Registrar of Voters Releases Final, Devastating Results in November's Election

There's no denying that Right-Thinking Alamedans suffered some disappointments in the recent election, primarily due to tampering by Squirrels. However, some of the local candidates favored by the Alameda Daily Noose and me enjoyed wide margins of victory over the complete losers who opposed them. Certain unopposed candidates also earned impressive numbers of votes, considering their circumstances.

Clearly, the populace has spoken. Some candidates earned literally hundreds more votes than others who were also elected, which means that they are sure to be next in line for even higher positions in the next election. In fact, why wait that long? For example, the current Secretary of Defense for Alameda, whoever that is, is hardly making great strides in the Global War on Squirrels. That person should step aside to make way for one of the triumphant, unopposed candidates who is currently holding a lesser office.

It's time to throw the bums out, and make way for real, Alamedan democracy.