Friday, October 30, 2009

This Just In! Reader's Property Values Under Attack


As the month of October has gone on, I have noticed gradually that the homes in my neighborhood are growing more and more dilapidated, and my neighbors are becoming less respectful of our fair city. As I drive around my street and the nearby streets I see the same thing everywhere. It's as if nobody cares about how their house looks anymore, and everything is going to pot. And what irks me is that this means that it's sending my property values down, down, down!

Let me tell you some examples of what I have seen around town:

  • People are leaving uneaten food, like whole squashes and pumpkins, around on their porches. Please people, if you have harvested something from your garden, I'm proud of you, but can't you store it in your basement where you are supposed to? Leaving them out front is just asking for vandalism — I see that a lot of neighborhood kids have cleverly drawn, or even cut, faces out of them.
  • The spiders (or is that the squirrels?) have been spinning outrageously ugly webs on the bushes in front of many people's houses. I can't blame the owners for that, but at least they would have the common decency to clean up once in a while! A broom works wonders to whisk away cobwebs.
  • This is unbelievably morbid, but I am pretty sure that the dead are being buried in people's front yards, of all places! Look, I know the economy is tight, so maybe you cannot afford a fancy funeral and cemetary, but if you grandmother passes away, at least bury her in the back yard so that her final resting place is not visible from the street!
  • I've seen a few scarecrows put up here and there. Scarecrows? In the city? Unless somebody has come up with an ingenious way to scare the squirrels away, I really don't see any need for scarecrows, and it just creeps people out. Honestly!
  • The windows in many houses are looking just terrible. Sometimes I see that the residents have put up a picture of some frightful creature, or maybe some words like "BEWARE" or "HAUNTED." Why in the world would anybody want to simulate a house that is haunted? There is nothing more that drives property values down than a neighborhood that has an allegedly haunted house.
Are my neighbors just trying to perpetuate some sort of scam, perhaps so they can drive down the property values to a point where I and other right-minded Alamedans, are forced to move out?

Please Roger, I hope you can help us get to the bottom of this nefarious plot to ruin Alameda.


James V. Wherdonfield

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Your Halloween IV: This Time, It's Environmental

If you're like me, you're ready and waiting for an exciting night of green trick-or-treating, with recycled costumes for your kids, all-natural decorations, and organic spirulina candies to hand out at your door. But wait! Before you fire up your Halloween jack-o'-lanterns, have you made sure that they are as kind to the planet as they can be? Until recently, when I plugged in my Halloween jack-o'-lanterns, they flickered to life with the white glow of compact fluorescent lights. Of course, when I realized that those light bulbs are made with some kind of dangerous chemical or heavy metal in them (I forget which), I immediately switched to all-natural incandescent bulbs.

Now my rows of festive pumpkins are guaranteed not to leak anything that is dangerous to children. And as an added bonus, they have the warm, orange glow that you can only get by using those incandescent bulbs.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

SunCal Opposes SunCal’s Alameda Point Revitalization Initiative

Citing concerns that have emerged since he initially endorsed it, Pat Keliher, vice president operations for SunCal's Northern California operation, announced that SunCal has dropped its support of SunCal's Alameda Point Revitalization Initiative.

"We like our plan for Alameda point, but we're just not convinced that we're giving the City of Alameda a sweet enough deal in our initiative," Keliher stated at a hastily arranged press conference, "and with so many people changing their position from support to opposition lately, frankly, we were beginning to feel a little bit left out."

Keliher added that although he had hoped that the City and SunCal could come to terms before the election, he has realized that the initiative should have been worded more vaguely, to allow the City room to negotiate a risk-free deal that will minimize distasteful developer profits. "I was walking down Park St. and this gentleman from Inaction Alameda…no, that's not right…Save Our Sandwiches! Alameda? No, I think it was Save Our Sock-Puppets! Alameda; no, no, wait, it was the Coalition of Sock-Puppets United In Inaction! Saving Our Sandwiches! for a Better Alameda…or was it What's the Point? Well, anyway, after talking with this guy for five minutes, I agreed to remove my signature from the petition and withdraw my company's support for the initiative, and I can say with 95 percent confidence that everyone else in Alameda would do exactly the same thing. He's very persuasive."

The announcement comes on the heels of a series of high-profile reversals that have left Councilmember Lena Tam alone as the only person in Alameda who does not yet oppose the initiative. However, given that Ms. Tam has been known to stroll down Park St. herself, it is most likely only a matter of time before she is buttonholed by a concerned citizen and convinced of the error of her ways. When that happens, Alameda will finally be left with the perfect plan for Alameda Point, the only plan that will never disappoint anyone: a plan that will never be implemented!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Lon Geddoff Warns of Gigantic Acorns


Now, I never read those sorry excuses for "newspapers" that claim to compete with the Alameda Daily Noose, but a piece of one of those worthless things was blowing around the street the other day and plastered itself to the windshield of my car just as I was getting in it. As I peeled the offending paper off my car, these words caught my eye: "…gigantic acorn…."

A wintry forecast 
Judging from the gigantic acorn crop now falling on my roof, I conclude that the squirrels will get fat and that we are going to have a cold and nasty winter. 
OrindaI knew there must be some mistake, because if there had been any incidents with a gigantic acorn, I would have read about it in the Alameda Daily Noose. Well, I looked more closely at that darned paper, and it turned out it wasn't even from Alameda. It makes no sense, but someone must have brought a newspaper over here from San Francisco, where they printed a letter from someone in a completely different town that is having a problem with gigantic acorns, and consequently with fat Squirrels.

The amazing thing, though, is that this letter writer has discovered that Squirrels control the weather. There's no explanation of how this works, but when Squirrels eat gigantic acorns, they get fat, and that causes a colder winter.

We'd better make sure there aren't any giant acorns growing in Alameda, because our winters are already cold enough! And with global warming, our summers are too hot, and I suppose that Squirrels (maybe extra-skinny Squirrels) are to blame for that, too. The bottom line is that all of our problems are caused by Squirrels, and whether they are increasing in number or just increasing in size, they are clearly working to collectively outweigh us.

Lon Geddoff

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Schedule of Classic Movie Playing at the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

Following are the schedule and synopsis of this week's classic movie playing at the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, 2317 Central Avenue (all times are a.m. except for those shown as p.m.):

Vampires' Couples' Retreat Citizen (R), 11:10, 1:35 p.m., 4:20 p.m., 7:25 p.m., 10:00 p.m.

It's 1941, and newspaper tycoon Charles Foster Kane (Orson Welles, who also directed and co-wrote the script) is dead. The opening shots show Xanadu, Kane's vast, elaborate, now unkempt estate in Florida. Following failed attempts to conceive, Jason (Jason Bateman) and Cynthia (Kristen Bell) are close to getting a divorce. In an effort to save their marriage, they book a vacation to Xanadu, which they have mistaken for a couples' therapy retreat.

Interspersed with segments of Kane's newsreel obituary are scenes of swimming with sharks and yoga sessions with an amorous instructor Salvadore (Carlos Ponce). Most puzzling are Kane's last moments: clutching an orange, he mutters, "I vaahnt to saahck your blaahd."

A young newspaperman named Darren Shan (Chris Massoglia) digs into Kane's past, seeking the meaning of his enigmatic last words. He meets a mysterious man at a freak show who turns out to be a Vampire. After a series of events, Darren must leave his normal life and go on the road to Xanadu and become a Vampire. Darren meets Jason and Cynthia, and, seeing that they have worked out their problems, frees them from the therapy and tells them to go jet skiing.

Soon Jason and Cynthia return to Darren, informing him with great disappointment that jet skiing will not be invented until 1965. As an apology and consolation, he invites them up to his room for a little drink.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Local Genius Puts Two and Two Together to Reveal Eight-Legged Menace

Dear Editor:

I was reading something on the computer the other day when I ran across this:

Now, unlike most Americans—or even most Alamedans, for that matter—I'm a genius, so I had no problem figuring out what's going on in the shocking photo above. I know that you will understand in a glance, but I'll spell it out for those of your readers who weren't lucky enough to be born geniuses like us.

Most Alamedans get the question wrong because they can't think outside the box the way we geniuses do. "Spider Or Squirrel"? That's a classic example of what logisticians call a false dicotyledon. Clearly, what's pictured isn't a Spider or a Squirrel, but rather a Spider and a Squirrel!

Yes, Spiders and Squirrels are one and the same. I haven't quite worked out all the details yet, but either Spiders are Squirrels in disguise, or Squirrels are Spiders in disguise. Think about it: When is the last time you saw a Spider and a Squirrel in the same room together? Coincidence? I think not.

Like all of the revolutionary discoveries of geniuses, my Spider-Squirrel hypothesis has been greeted by derisive laughter, first from my wife and kids, then from the guys at work, then from the lady at the lunch counter. I find this highly encouraging, because we all know that the more people laugh at your idea, the more ingenious it must be. We'll see how hard they're laughing when I take that all-expenses-paid trip to Finland to receive my Noble prize in zoo-ology.

At any rate, now that I have uncovered the Spider-Squirrel connection, it would behoove you to look more closely into the potentially subversive activities of that hippie-dippy environmental columnist who writes for you. When she's singing the praises of Spiders, does she realize that she is both undermining Measure Acorn and giving comfort to the enemy in the Global War on Squirrels? I call upon you to conduct a full investigation and immediately terminate her column once you find her guilty as charged.

Sincerely yours,
Dean Mirps

Editor's Comment:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I aren't sure which college Mr. Mirps is the dean of, but we see his point about the Spider-Squirrel connection. That would explain why Squirrels and Spiders are equally frightening. However, let's not be too hasty in our conclusions about Janet Marchant. Her pet Spider is an exception, because Miss Marchant is above reproach. We know this because we find it handy to have her columns to publish on Fridays, which are notoriously slow noose days. She saves the Alameda Daily Noose and me a lot of effort, and is therefore a trustworthy person. So hats off to you, Miss Marchant, and also to that rare creature, the helpful Spider.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Your Halloween: Episode III - Revenge of the Silk

If you're like me, you keep those pesky spiders on the run most of the time, whisking away their sticky webs as fast as they can build them around your house. But Halloween is when the araneaeid order plots its silky revenge at my house. In fact, I encourage it! This year, I'm decorating with 100% natural cobwebs. My pet spider, Nancy, is already hard at work dressing up our front porch and yard.

Whenever I run across other spiders in the house or yard, I introduce them to Nancy in the hopes that they will make friends and start spinning webs together. So far, the other spiders always disappear overnight, sometimes with their webs half-finished, but at least Nancy seems fat and happy.

As you can see from the photos, Nancy has already done some great work on one of the few remaining trees that we haven't cut down for firewood yet, and she has started on the door, too.

Unlike synthetic cobwebs, natural cobwebs are biodegradable. They also cost nothing, which will save you some green! So why not start today on your organic, free-range Halloween spider webs? You'd better hurry, though, because there's not much time left for your neighborhood spiders to set up camp and secure victory in the field of decorations.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 14 days, with the most recent shown in green:

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
Corica Have Mercy:

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
This Is an Outrage:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council October 20, 2009

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were a little confused by the proceedings, but for the benefit of our even more confused readers, we have prepared a summary of what we believe happened at the City Council meeting. First, our newly good Evil Robot Mayor proposed a public presentation of the analysis of the initiative to build a Secret Robot Base that so many Alamedans were confused into signing. Then, other council members pushed to make the presentation less confusing by providing complete information on the legal ramifications of the initiative.

In a daring gambit, our good Evil Robot Mayor strove valiantly to create even more confusion by presenting all available information, but not all at the same time. She doubtless hoped that by doing so, the City would create at least three different levels of understanding among voters, given that some would attend one presentation, some the other, and still others would see neither. Clearly, the good Evil Robot Mayor realizes that Alamedans make their most Right-Thinking decisions when in a state of confusion.

After that, there was a bit of confusion, and when the dust had cleared, the Council had voted unanimously to present all of the information at the same time. Although this seems to indicate a lapse in confusion on the part of the mayor, we assume that she has some secret plan for introducing even more confusion at the actual presentation.

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board October 12, 2009

Golden AcornGolden Acorn
Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:
Regular ARRA Meeting October 7, 2009

Golden Acorn
Nothing Worth Complaining About:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council October 6, 2009

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Sharp-Eyed Reader Spots More Shills For Big Arborist


I can't believe how blind I was to the enormity of the Squirrel problem before I started reading the Alameda Daily Noose. Now I see them everywhere! It's like some kind of cult. The one in my photo is in the window of a store that sells cards and gift wrap, and I can't figure out what that would have to do with Squirrels. Since it is clearly not alive, and not a robot, this Squirrel must be just a secret signal that the owners of the shop are shills for Big Arborist.

Well, that's one store I won't be shopping at!

Nona Megiven

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Former City Council Candidate Says She was Gobsmacked that Robot Mayor Seems to Have Done a 180 on Secret Robot Base


I was literally gobsmacked by the news that our Evil Robot Mayor seems to have done a 180 on the Secret Robot Base. You see, when I was a little girl and I got over-excited, my grandmother would always smack me in the gob with a fish, just like they do in the Old Country. Now my husband keeps a nice rainbow trout on hand whenever I read the Noose, just in case, and believe me, it came in handy yesterday.

I cannot believe that anyone could be wishy-washy enough to change their opinions that much so quickly, but good for us, there's now an excellent chance of nothing being built at Alameda Point in our lifetime. Until now, I thought that the Evil Robot Mayor was just being influenced and manipulated by people who don't even live in Alameda, people who think we need to build a bunch of high-rises here, but now I see that she makes decisions using her own good common sense.

Former City Council Candidate

Monday, October 19, 2009

In Stunning Flip-Flop, Alameda's Evil Robot Mayor Becomes Good

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are pleased to report that, yet again, we told you so. We always knew that our incisive exposés of the Evil Robot Mayor's plans for a Secret Robot Base would hit her smack in the Right-Thinking circuits, shocking them to life. Although she still claims that plans to build the Secret Robot Base are "good," she at least admits that passing a ballot measure that would actually implement those plans would be disastrous.

In the past, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have proven, by means of repeated assertion, that our Evil Robot Mayor has taken bribes from Fat-Cat Developers, Big Acorn, and numerous other enemies of Alameda. Now that she has seen the light and agrees with us, however, it is obvious that she has always been incorruptible, and we can trust her completely.

This dramatic development reminds us of that second big action movie the governor was in. What was the name of it again? Term-something…TermTerm…oh, right, Terms of Endearment 2: Judgment Day, where the governor of California is reprogrammed to be a good Evil Robot instead of a bad Evil Robot, and sent back in time to protect Shirley MacLaine and Debra Winger, a mother and daughter who march to different drummers. The Alameda Daily Noose and I really loved the part where Shirley MacLaine teaches the governor to say "¿Donde está el baño, baby?" and we must have gone through three whole boxes of Kleenex after Debra Winger discovered that she had terminal cancer, and that neither a mother's love nor a cyborg from the future would be able to save her.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Bride of Greening Your Halloween

Last week, I gave my readers some tips on recycling Halloween costumes, and you'll be glad to know that I have even more fresh-out-of-the-box ideas for you today!

Did you know that some Halloween costume companies are starting to use recycled materials in parts of their production process? It's true! You can now buy costumes that used to be cardboard tubes or snack bags. Some of the sturdier plastic materials are impervious to moths, so they will keep your little spooks and sprites in Halloween wear for years to come. Just one look at the expression on the face of little "Count Chipula" in the photo above tells you how much kids love it when their mothers dress them up in old potato chip bags!

You'd better hurry, though; green-thinking parents are going to be snapping up these alternative costumes by the minivan-full. Besides, you will need to allow time for shipping that perfect get-up, since none of the companies that make recycled costumes are in Alameda. So let's all start today, and make sure that none of Alameda's kids will have to be green with envy over their friends' green costumes!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

New Business on Park Street

An innovative new business has arrived on Park St., and when we say "on the street," we mean "taking up the entire sidewalk and part of the gutter." As you can see from the exclusive Alameda Daily Noose photo below, this new shop will be highly convenient for those wishing to purchase a can of hairspray or a desk lamp without getting out of their cars. That's the benefit of having a parking space actually inside the store.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are gratified to see that it's not just sidewalk cafes that are starting to utilize these previously wasted stretches of concrete. Now that's what they call "street presence."

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Some Other City Actually Makes a Good Decision


At last, Alameda's parking nightmare is over. I still have to be quick to get that one spot that's close enough to the door of Ole's Gruel and Hardtack Hovel, but at least I'm no longer competing with all of those people from some city that's not Alameda.

When I first heard that they had raised parking rates in that other city, I immediately started noticing more traffic on Park St. and Webster St. There were even times when I had trouble finding a space without the necessary two empty spaces on either side of it to protect my paint job.

Then on Monday, I heard that the citizens of the city that's not Alameda had risen in revolt against the unjust financial burden placed on people who needed to go to movies and nail salons frequently. They demanded that their city council charge less for parking, which was a generous compromise considering that parking should always be free everywhere. Now their rates are back in line with Alameda's which means there is no reason for them to drive into our city now.

That's exactly the way I like it. The stores are empty again, which makes it more pleasant to go shopping in the few places that have anything worth buying. The streets are much more peaceful now, so I can more easily drive around the block enough times to be sure I get the right parking space. It's too bad our city council never does anything to improve the parking situation here, but at least some other city actually made a decision that is good for Alameda.

Marlene Verloren

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

There Goes the Neighborhood: N.A.S.A. Rocket Permanently Blights Alameda's Moon


Well, there goes the neighborhood.

The main reason I bought my house in Alameda, other than the low density of Squirrels, of course, is that I have an absolutely beautiful view of the moon through my bathroom window. When I moved here I expected everything to stay just as it was when I fell in love with it, but now everything has been ruined once again.

The other day I heard that N.A.S.A. lost control of one of its rockets and it crashed into the moon, causing a huge splattering of green cheese and leaving a permanent crater on the surface. At first I couldn't believe how incompetent those government lab monkeys are: I mean, it doesn't exactly take a rocket scientist to guide a spacecraft accurately into lunar orbit. But then I started asking around, and I was shocked to learn that N.A.S.A. actually crashed this rocket into the moon on purpose, as shown in the enclosed official N.A.S.A. illustration I discovered.

As an Alamedan living within 238,857 miles of the affected area, I demand to know why I was not notified in advance of this plan that is already having an astronomical affect on my property values! I know everybody always talks about property values, but this time I'm not just using it as a fig leaf to cover up my real complaint. I actually checked the value of my house back in July 2006, before this mission was launched, and I checked it again after the big crash on the moon, and guess what? By permanently blighting Alameda's only moon, those pencil-necked bureaucrats at N.A.S.A. have completely destroyed the value of my house!

Frieda Bellows

Monday, October 12, 2009

The Alameda Daily Noose and I Rediscover a Columbus Day Tradition, No Thanks to You

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I never miss an opportunity for an encore presentation of one of our journalistic masterpieces. That's why we were at a bit of a loss as to why we did not re-run this particular piece last Columbus Day. Then we remembered that we intentionally failed to celebrate Columbus Day last year as a test of the perspicacity of our readers, a test you have failed miserably. Despite having one full year to notice the omission, not a single reader reported it to us. Shame!

So, even though you have not earned it, the Alameda Daily Noose and I hereby magnanimously offer you with your encore presentation, for which you have exactly one year to be grateful to us:

Praise from Margarita Encanto: A Columbus Day Tradition

A scene from the Alameda Cultural Heritage Education Society's historically accurate re-enactment of Columbus' discovery of Alameda.

Editor's Comments: Although it may seem like just yesterday, it's been 515 years since Christopher Columbus discovered Alameda. The voyage from Spain was an arduous one, especially since the Panama Canal hadn't been built yet. When the crews of the Niña, the Pinta and the Santa Corica feared they would fall off the edge of the world, Columbus defended his dreams of discovery: "But, if the world is round, it is not Hell that lies beyond that stormy sea. Over there must lie a land where Bushy Tails dare not wave, where small-town charm abounds, where a man might walk his dog at night with tranquil mind. Surely, in such a land, the din of Bagpipes shall never assault man's ears, and no man need ever station his carriage directly before the domicile of his fellow man."

It's a fine day for reflecting on the glorious past of Alameda. In that spirit, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have unearthed a gem from our archives. Ever since the Alameda Daily Noose and I first printed her wonderful letter on Columbus Day, the late Margarita Encanto has been delighting Alamedans on a yearly basis with those familiar turns of phrase that rival the complex dance steps she used to execute as a professional Flamenco dancer. Here, once again, is an encore presentation of her letter:

Dear Roger,

What a joy it is to see, all the time, your newest reviews of motor oil. The way you describe their performance makes me feel as if I were in the auto supply store myself, comparison shopping by reading the labels, or perhaps under the car, draining the old oil to make way for a superior variety.

You are so unbiased in your evaluations! They have made it clear to me that my preferences in motor oil are indeed correct. Please continue with this valuable community service. As my mother always said when she was making me check the fluids of the family car, saber es poder.

Gracias por todo,
Margarita Encanto

Friday, October 9, 2009

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Scaring Up a Green Halloween

All Hallows' Eve is fast approaching, and my mailbox is brimming with letters from parents concerned about the environmental impact of all those plastic-and-vinyl store-bought costumes that wind up in our landfills every November 1. Like it or not, store-bought Halloween costumes are a fact of life, much like the weather, or the need to drive to the grocery store in a vehicle designed for off-road or military use. After all, everyone knows that homemade costumes are lame, and only the loser kids wear them!

It's common knowledge that purchasing a hybrid S.U.V. makes it okay to drive it to the corner store to pick up a quart of milk…if only there were a similar way to completely eliminate the harmful environmental impacts of Halloween. Well, after a good deal of thought and experimentation in my own household, I am pleased to announce that I have come up with a solution: instead of just throwing those old costumes away, now you can recycle them!

It turns out that with a little care, you can actually store your Halloween costumes and use them again next year. The key is spritz them with plenty of disinfectant, give them a once-over with hand sanitizer, spray them with Raid® Green, and store them in a closet with a box or two of mothballs. With the twin dangers of germs and insects eliminated, there is nothing to stop you from recycling the same costumes year after year. Imagine the possibilities!

What kid today wouldn't love to wear this timeless classic?

For those who want to show their softer, less cubical side, there are the ever-popular Care Bears:

With proper cleaning and storage, perennial favorites like this one will stay as fresh and relevant as the day you bought them:

Of course, it's possible that your little ones might grow tired of the same costume after five or six years. Never fear…simply arrange a swap with the neighbor kids, and everyone can enjoy the recycled Halloween fun all over again. As the kids today would say, "I pity the fool" who says you can't green your Halloween!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Update: Adorable Doggie Adopted!

No need to contact owner of Snookums - he has been adopted.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have it on good authority that Snookums has been taken in by a nice family who, we can only assume, own a farm upstate, where he'll have lots and lots of space to run and play. We're only sorry that the Cambers won't be able to visit him there, because it's so very far away and hard to find, and farmers are such busy people.

Hearing this heartwarming story reminds us of our old dog Rover we had when we were growing up. The Alameda Daily Noose and I still wonder if we might be able to visit Rover someday, perhaps when that farmer is ready for retirement and will finally have the time to host us, and after we finally break down and buy one of those newfangled "gee-P.S." systems so we don't get lost up there in farm country.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Adorable Doggie Needs to be Adopted


It breaks our hearts but we have to find a new home for our beloved doggie Snookums. You see, we had a few little little…incidents involving the mailman, the kid down the street, the neighbor's (former) cat, our uncle Fred, and finally, that poor gentleman from the courthouse who came around to serve us up a ream of legalistic gobbledygook demanding that we put poor little Snookums up for adoption.

Snookums is a friendly mutt who just loves to play. He's always so cuddly and adorable, and he just lives for his "ball." Ha-ha, "ball"…that's our funny little word for the mailman, the kid down the street, the neighbor's cat, our uncle Fred, and employees of the court system. You should see the look on the face of the "ball" when Snookums comes running to play!

Anyway, now that we have this "deadline" from the court, I'm sending this e-mail to everyone I can think of in hopes of finding a new home for Snookums. I even thought about writing letters to the editor, but I figured that no newspaper worth its salt would bother printing such a trivial item. I just hope this e-mail finds its way into the heart of another animal lover who will love Snookums as much as we do.

Joe and Charity Camber

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Radical Petition Proponent Blames Alamedans for Not Reading Things before Signing Them


A number of petitions have been circulating in Alameda this year, and from what I hear, they have caused some confusion and anxiety among voters. A number of people are disappointed to have missed the opportunity to sign certain petitions, while others are regretting having signed them. Some, in fact, have become so mired in an indiscriminate fear of ballot measures that they are attempting to gather signatures on a petition to ban signature gathering.

Let's all take a deep breath, and remember these three time-tested principles of petitions:

  1. First, when confronted with a ballot measure or other petition, you should take a minute to read whatever it is that you are signing. If you are in too much of a hurry to read so much as the first sentence of a ballot proposition, you probably shouldn't take the time to put your signature under it, either. Although it may be possible to remove a signature later, it will sure be a lot simpler for everyone concerned, including you, if you look before you leap.

  2. Second, if a proposition seems too good to be true, it probably is. Be especially careful to check for small print if the signature collector smells strongly of sulfur. Quite a few Alamedans have been burned by failing to observe this simple principle.

  3. Third, think twice before signing a petition that uses the word "penguin." To the best of my knowledge, there have never been large numbers of penguins in Alameda, nor do they seem inclined to relocate here, so any claim that we face problems stemming from an excess of penguins is probably a red herring.
If you follow these three principles, all that remains is to judge each proposition as best you can by testing it against your knowledge and personal convictions. A functioning democracy depends not only on an educated population, but also upon every individual's attention to issues of the day, and the guidance of our conscience.

Marjorie O'Leo

Editor's Comments:

Miss Oleo is clearly unaware that we Right-Thinking Alamedans deserve to be outraged at the results of our own inattentiveness. The Alameda Daily Noose and I aren't sure what else she is going on about, but it can't be anything good, because we thought we saw the word "penguin" in there somewhere.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Adoring Chinese Fans Can't Get Enough of Alameda Daily Noose and Me

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were surprised to find that one of our Chinese readers is apparently a fan of our reviews of interwebcasts of City meetings. He (or is it she?) somehow left a message attached to our October 1st issue:

"I am from Taiwan! If you want to visit Taiwan, welcome to my site visits and Zhijiao, I will provide various guided tours and guided tours."
We can only assume that this has something to do with the award that we won recently for our excellent coverage of Chinese culture. The author obviously realizes how worldly the Alameda Daily Noose and I are, because he seems to have repeated his message in several other languages that are not Alamedan. We are flattered that the people of China are so eager for us to accept the award in person that they are offering to provide not only guided tours, but also guided tours. That is the sort of treatment that heads of state can expect, but the Alameda Daily Noose and I think we could fight back our natural modesty enough to accept the generous hospitality of our Chinese fans.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Your Fall Cleanup

At this time of year, falling leaves remind me of the sun-dappled Octobers of my childhood, before I was environmentally conscious. My family would rake up dead leaves, scoop them into plastic bags, and send them straight to the landfill. It never occurred to us that there might be a better way to handle that yearly problem, but lately I've discovered how rewarding it can be to handle my fall leaves the Green Living way.

Want to know my secret? It's so simple: just cut down all of your trees. Luckily, I had already started burning chunks of my trees indoors to help reduce my home heating costs last year, and boy has it paid off! I can already tell the difference in the number of bags of leaves I'm having to put in the trash. I can't wait to get out my chainsaw and start doing some more good for my pocketbook and for our overburdened landfills. This is what they call a "win-win" solution. And as an added bonus, I get much better views from my windows without all those trees in the way.

So why not get started today, before all of the leaves have fallen? Of course, those green leaves stuck to the branches don't burn very well, so I might have to come up with some other way to dispose of them, but that'll be no problem next year.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 14 days, with the most recent shown in green:

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
Corica Have Mercy:

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
This Is an Outrage:
City of Alameda Public Utilities Board September 21, 2009

Editor's Comments:

This has to be the most boring meeting video the Alameda Daily Noose and I have ever seen. For six hours, all we saw was the following message:

The system was unable to find an appropriate server for the content you requested, the content may be behind a firewall or may be in the process of transferring to a distribution server. Please try again later.
Thank you for your patience.
Patience indeed! One would think that the Municipal Power Commission would be a little more concerned that some of their equipment is apparently on fire behind some kind of wall, but no; instead of decisive action, we have six whole hours of bureaucratic gobbledygook. Isn't it time we mounted a campaign to recall these bums?

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:
Regular Transportation Commission September 23, 2009

Editor's Comments:

Where to begin? The Conveyance Committee is at it again, with another five-hour propaganda broadcast pushing everything from boats to sunsets to orange cones and the outrageous traffic delays they wreak. Whose idea was it to create a bureau whose sole responsibility is to delay traffic in Alameda?

Golden AcornGolden Acorn
Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board September 28, 2009

Golden Acorn
Nothing Worth Complaining About: