Dave Williamson sets the record straight

Rog,

Elaine Hollandaise should get her facts straight before she presumes to correct the supposed errors of right-thinking Alamedans. First of all, she claims that she and the rest of her D.A.R.L.I.N.G. friends live in Alameda. Anyone who understands logic can see that this is false. Everyone knows that to live in Alameda is to love Alameda. People love Alameda because of that special quality that makes Alameda great. Everyone knows that Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" preserves everything that's great about Alameda. It's common knowledge that D.A.R.L.I.N.G. is out to overturn Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn." That means D.A.R.L.I.N.G. wants to eliminate everything that's great about Alameda, which means that they cannot possibly love Alameda. If they don't love Alameda, then they must not live in Alameda. Q.E.D. So, Elaine Hollandaise may have resided in Alameda for over 40 years, but she most certainly does not live here!

Elaine Hollandaise goes on to claim that the brutal Squirrel attack in San Jose was an isolated incident. Preposterous! If it was an isolated incident, then why did multiple news media outlets cover the story? In addition to the Chronicle article, KPIX TV broadcast shocking coverage of the aftermath of the attack. Intrepid reporter Tony Russomanno, visibly shaken by the horror of the situation, began his report, "Wendy, here in San Jose's Evergreen School District there have been attacks on school administrators by wild boars, a lock-down caused by a mountain lion, but the only time anyone was injured by a wild animal was today, when two parents and an eleven-year-old girl were clawed and bitten by a squirrel. That's right, a squirrel."

Yes, you read that right. This statement proves that Squirrels are more dangerous that wild boars and mountain lions combined! Tell that to the D.A.R.L.I.N.G. deceivers who claim that Squirrels aren't really all that dangerous!

Some Squirrel-coddlers might say, "It can never happen here in Alameda because we have a relatively low density of Squirrels; Manhattan, definitely, Brooklyn, maybe, but never here!" Well, think again. As the Chronicle article I quoted earlier points out, even a low density of Squirrels can be enough to give rise to an attack like this one:

"It's not a heavily infested area, it's not like there are squirrel everywhere," he [school district spokesman Will Ector] said.

But even this horrific attack is just one shot in the opening salvo of the Squirrels' bid for world domination. As the Chronicle reports, it's not difficult to connect the dots in the emerging pattern of violence:

It's not the first aggressive squirrel the South Bay has seen lately. Since the fall, there have been problems at Mountain View's Cuesta Park, with at least four people suffering bites.

Animal control officials attributed the aggressive behavior to a preponderance of food being left around the park, which had emboldened the animals. In one case, a 4-year-old boy was bitten after a squirrel attempted to steal his muffin.

Our precious children and their delicious muffins are not safe! This quotation proves not only that Squirrel-on-human violence is widespread, but also that Squirrels are dangerously emboldenable. Just as criticizing our President's war policy only emboldens our enemies, criticizing Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" policy only emboldens the Squirrels.

So, Squirrel-snugglers, you have a choice to make, one you had better consider very carefully: You can stand with us Human Alamedans on the side of Freedom and Dignity, or you can side with the Bushy-Tailed Terrorists in their sworn struggle to destroy everything that is Right and Good about our town. I ask you: Are you with us, or are you against us?

Dave Williamson

Squirrel Pies For All!

Mr. Grumbel,

While I know that you have literally hundreds of non-Squirrel-related interests, I can't help but call your attention to an innovation that may turn the tide in the War Against Global Squirrels (WAGS). I refer, of course, to the Squirrel meat pie, or, as our friends in England (a Treasured Isle almost as nice as Alameda) call it, a Squirrel pasty.

Through simple preparation and a thick crust, we can take our Squirrel-shaped lemons and make tasty Squirrel-ade from them! That's a solution Vice-Presidential candidate-in-waiting Heidi Wilson would surely endorse. I hope that one of Alameda's forward-thinking restauranteurs, like Gym's Coffee Clutch, or Ole's Gruel & Hardtack Hovel, follows this lead, and makes fine-tasting Squirrel pies available to all.

Now we can see all those tax-sponsored trees for what they really are - fishing nets of the sky!

Yours in healthy food,
Joolie Childress

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are skeptical that Squirrel pies could be as good as Squirrel melts, but any tool that comes to hand could be useful in the ongoing effort to solve the Squirrel problem. It is important to keep our readers updated on all of the weapons available for their personal or militia-based anti-Squirrel arsenals. Doing so does not in any way indicate that we are abnormally fixated on those deceptively cute and undeniably vicious little Birdseed Raiders.

Burn, Baby, Burn, It's a Squirrely Inferno

The Alameda Daily Noose and I interrupt our regularly scheduled hippie-dippy environmentalist column to bring you this urgent dispatch from the front lines of the Global War on Squirrels. Yesterday we received the following "gee-mail" from a mysterious pseudonymous source:

From: Secret Squirrel Lover
Sent: Wednesday, September 02, 2009 1:06 PM
To: Mr Noose
Subject: SFGate: Clumsy squirrel sparks fire near Rossmoor


See? They *are* taking over the world. We may be next.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This article was sent to you by someone who found it on SFGate.
The original article can be found on SFGate.com here:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2009/09/02/BALM19HG96.DTL
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday, September 2, 2009 (SF Chronicle)
Clumsy squirrel sparks fire near Rossmoor
Henry K. Lee, Chronicle Staff Writer


(09-02) 12:11 PDT WALNUT CREEK -- A squirrel that became entangled in a power line apparently sparked a wildfire today near the senior residential community of Rossmoor, authorities said.
The two-alarm blaze was reported shortly before 9:30 a.m. in a remote canyon in the hills near Rossmoor on the border between Walnut Creek and Lafayette, said Emily Hopkins, spokeswoman for the Contra Costa County Fire Protection District.
Firefighters contained the blaze, located off a fire trail near Ptarmigan Drive, within an hour. Two firefighters were injured; one suffered an ankle injury and the other a knee injury, Hopkins said.
No evacuations were ordered, and the fire didn't threaten any homes, authorities said.
An undetermined number of Pacific Gas and Electric Co. customers lost their electricity when the squirrel became caught in the power line, authorities said.
The squirrel died, Hopkins said.

E-mail Henry K. Lee at hlee@sfchronicle.com. ---------------------------------
-------------------------------------
Copyright 2009 SF Chronicle

Editor's Comments:

First of all, the fact that this missive is addressed to the Alameda Daily Noose but not to me is a bit suspicious. Here at Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters, most of the mail is addressed to me, which is only natural given that the Alameda Daily Noose and I agreed a long time ago that it was only fair that I should always receive top billing. The really fishy—or, should we say, Squirrely—thing is the author's pseudonym, "Secret Squirrel Lover." Why would a self-professed Squirrel-hugger provide useful dispatches to a sworn enemy? Could this message actually be intended as a warning shot across Alameda's bow? Perhaps there is a trace of triumphant glee in the observation that "we may be next."

The Alameda Daily Noose and I treat such threats very seriously. Astute readers will note that the suicide attack Squirrel in the story cut the power of an unspecified number of victims who might well have been followers of the Alameda Daily Noose. Without access to the valiant, independent voice of the Noose, alone in its tireless reporting on the Global War on Squirrels, how can the rest of the world hope to survive the coming Squirrely inferno?

Scoop! of Shocking Footage: Is John McCain the Man-Squirrelian Candidate?

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were goggling the interwebs the other day when we ran across some evidence of new competition in the dog-eat-dog world of soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepapers. We don't know who this Colbert guy is or where he came from, but the Alameda Daily Noose and I like the cut of his jib.

Apparently, this Colbert fellow challenged his dozen or so readers to do some investigative reporting on his behalf (as a relative newcomer to the journalistic scene, he's obviously not up to the task himself), asking them to dig up embarrassing videos of the remaining presidential candidates. Just as the Alameda Daily Noose and I were preparing to tch-tch-tch this sophomoric prank, the following shocking entry stopped us dead in mid-double-click:



The Alameda Daily Noose and I have already made the public aware that our only remaining choices in the race for President are dishearteningly Soft on Squirrels, but now our diligent work has revealed that the problem is more serious than we imagined. It is clear from the video above that Senator McCain is desperately trying to distract us from the cheeky antics of the Squirrel behind him by hammering away at a laundry list of lesser threats to our Precious Quality of Life. He clearly hopes that we will be completely unaware of the Squirrel in the background, to say nothing of the Squirrel-Hugging in his background.

By now, you've probably bought into the image of Senator McCain that's currently being peddled by the other major news media: he's a maverick straight-shooter who's Tough on Squirrels. Perhaps you even cheered when he championed legislation that would push through a huge project "even if it killed every Squirrel" in an Arizona mountaintop forest.

Well, in yet another fine example of journalism in the classic sense, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have uncovered evidence that Senator McCain is merely hiding behind a flimsy screen of anti-Squirrel rhetoric, a shameless pander engineered to win crucial votes in the swing state of Alameda. The truth is that Senator McCain may have deeper ties to Squirrels than any politician we have criticized to date.

Yes, it's true. Thanks to a little-known interweb time-travel device, the Alameda Daily Noose and I were able to prove that as recently as October 17, 2006, Senator McCain was prominently featured as the "Squirrel of the Month" by that most sinister of sinister secret societies, the dreaded Global Squirrel Network.

Clearly, the only possible explanation for the disconnect between "Senator" McCain's dark sciurine past and his recent feeble attempts to appear Tough on Squirrels is that he is some kind of Manchurian Candidate—nay, a Man-Squirrelian Candidate—bent on destroying Truth, Justice, and the Alamedan Way…from the inside!

Squirrel Agenda Not So Secret Thanks to Mr. Delmonte

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are well aware that if it were not for our ground-breaking investigative reports, Right-Thinking Alamedans would not be sufficiently angry about the Squirrel problem. It is not merely a problem that threatens the security of nearly every nation in the world, but also one that lurks in our very own back yards. Thanks to our persistent yet not-too-frequent coverage of the Squirrel threat in our back yards, we have inspired countless of our loyal readers (nearly ten of them last time we checked) to send in their own tips on the latest movements of Sciurine troops on this most crucial battlefield, the great island nation of Alameda.

Our latest lead comes in the form of a gee-mail message we received from Mr. Delmonte, who has wisely deferred to our superior judgment in the past when it comes to making head or tails of shadowy figures in the world of Squirrels and the threat they pose to Alameda's tree-density-limiting Measure Acorn, colloquially known as "Measure Acorn":

Hmmmm…

Secret Squirrel for President

Edmundo Delmundo

Yes, my fellow Right-Thinking Alamedans, it has come to this. We already knew that one candidate for the highest office in our land, and perhaps even in Alameda, was a secret Scotsman. Another looks the other way when confronted with blatant Squirrel activity, and now we faced a third, mysterious contender who actually is an admitted Squirrel! Are there no limits to the brazenness of these Fluffy Fascists?

We've said it before, and remind you again, that there is no safe alternative in this fall's election but to write in bold Squirrel-Slayer Mike Huckleberry for President, and the even more culinarily accomplished Heidi Wilson as his Vice President.

Local Genius Puts Two and Two Together to Reveal Eight-Legged Menace

Dear Editor:

I was reading something on the computer the other day when I ran across this:


Now, unlike most Americans—or even most Alamedans, for that matter—I'm a genius, so I had no problem figuring out what's going on in the shocking photo above. I know that you will understand in a glance, but I'll spell it out for those of your readers who weren't lucky enough to be born geniuses like us.

Most Alamedans get the question wrong because they can't think outside the box the way we geniuses do. "Spider Or Squirrel"? That's a classic example of what logisticians call a false dicotyledon. Clearly, what's pictured isn't a Spider or a Squirrel, but rather a Spider and a Squirrel!

Yes, Spiders and Squirrels are one and the same. I haven't quite worked out all the details yet, but either Spiders are Squirrels in disguise, or Squirrels are Spiders in disguise. Think about it: When is the last time you saw a Spider and a Squirrel in the same room together? Coincidence? I think not.

Like all of the revolutionary discoveries of geniuses, my Spider-Squirrel hypothesis has been greeted by derisive laughter, first from my wife and kids, then from the guys at work, then from the lady at the lunch counter. I find this highly encouraging, because we all know that the more people laugh at your idea, the more ingenious it must be. We'll see how hard they're laughing when I take that all-expenses-paid trip to Finland to receive my Noble prize in zoo-ology.

At any rate, now that I have uncovered the Spider-Squirrel connection, it would behoove you to look more closely into the potentially subversive activities of that hippie-dippy environmental columnist who writes for you. When she's singing the praises of Spiders, does she realize that she is both undermining Measure Acorn and giving comfort to the enemy in the Global War on Squirrels? I call upon you to conduct a full investigation and immediately terminate her column once you find her guilty as charged.

Sincerely yours,
Dean Mirps

Editor's Comment:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I aren't sure which college Mr. Mirps is the dean of, but we see his point about the Spider-Squirrel connection. That would explain why Squirrels and Spiders are equally frightening. However, let's not be too hasty in our conclusions about Janet Marchant. Her pet Spider is an exception, because Miss Marchant is above reproach. We know this because we find it handy to have her columns to publish on Fridays, which are notoriously slow noose days. She saves the Alameda Daily Noose and me a lot of effort, and is therefore a trustworthy person. So hats off to you, Miss Marchant, and also to that rare creature, the helpful Spider.

Sympathy for the Squirrel

Dear Editor:

I am dismayed that the Alameda Daily Noose is accusing squirrels of somehow tampering with last Tuesday's election results. As a long-time squirrel-watcher, I can assure you that if there was any unusual squirrel activity last week, I saw no sign of it. I believe Alameda's squirrel population had all the work it could handle just trying to stay warm and dry last week. Regrettable incidents with certain people's prize sunflowers aside, I believe that staying warm and dry are a squirrel's main concerns at this time of year, with charming skitterings among fallen leaves being a close second in frequency, according to my observations. Just take a look at those innocent, forlorn eyes in the video that one of my fellow squirrel-watchers took last week and tell me if that is the gaze of one who would try to interfere with our democratic process. Squirrels gained nothing from this election, although they could probably use some help from us.

Sincerely yours,
Elaine Hollandaise

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are not the least bit moved by these images of a poor, cold, bedraggled Squirrel using its little tail as an umbrella. No, we did not feel a sympathetic shiver as we watched the raindrops pelting it relentlessly, and if even we did, it must have been due to camera tricks and deceptive editing. There is no way that this clearly amateur video will dupe Right-Thinking Alamedans into feeling sympathy for the Squirrels. Now, you'll have to excuse us, because the Alameda Daily Noose and I seem to have gotten something irritating in our eyes.

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland Expresses Outrage over Squirrel Coverage

Rog,

I have been fuming ever since I read your article about Squirrel self-defense classes on Friday. Thanks for ruining the weekend for me and my family!

Don't get me wrong, the Alameda Daily Noose and all of the other major news media need to pay more attention to Squirrel-related violence, but your failure to mention Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" was an affront to right-thinking Alamedans around the world. I'm sure Mr. Risa's karate chop packs a mean wallop, but everyone knows that "Measure Acorn" is, was and always will be our FIRST line of defense against Squirrels. Biased coverage like this just plays into the hands of the shills for Big Arborist who try to downplay the importance of "Measure Acorn" in limiting Squirrels.

Another shameful tactic of Squirrel apologists is to claim that Squirrels are cute and harmless. DON'T BELIEVE IT FOR A SECOND! Some people have accused me of being paranoid, but now I have proof that all Squirrels are agents of evil. Just this week, 14 Squirrels were arrested and held on espionage charges in the Middle East:

http://worldblog.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2007/07/20/280529.aspx

So far nobody has figured out who employed these Squirrel secret agents, but that's only because those incompetent investigators haven't bothered to ask any right-thinking Alamedans. We know that those bushy-tailed terrorists are the agents of none other than Big Arborist!

So, the next time you see a Squirrel in the park creeping closer and closer, constantly giving you the Beady Eye of Evil, remember: He's not some cute critter begging for a treat, he's SPYING ON YOU and reporting everything back to his puppet masters at Big Arborist!

Keep "Measure Acorn." It's our only hope for victory in the Global War on Squirrels.

Donald Kirkland

Local Grocery Store Urges Alamedans to Feed the Squirrels

Dear Roger,

I went to the Trader Joe's today -- I do hate trying to find a place to park at South Shore, but I needed to purchase a bottle of Charles Shaw's finest in order to make my famous coq au vin -- and was stunned to see the attached sign. MAKE YOUR SQUIRREL A SANDWICH, with organic peanut butter, no less? Obviously the management of this store has been co-opted by the Bushy-Tailed Menace, and they are shamelessly demanding that we spend our hard-earned dollars, not to mention our precious time, feeding these scuirine pests! Between this shocking display and the bronze squirrel statue already erected at the shopping center, it is obvious that South Shore has become "ground zero" for Squirrel sympathizers. I plan to start growing grapes in Alameda's cool Mediterranean climate and make my own wine, so I can boycott these pro-Squirrel establishments!

Imelda Jackson-Perge

Editor's note:

It's obvious that Miss Jacket-Purse has misinterpreted the meaning of the sign in the photo. The truth is that adding peanut butter and jelly to a Squirrel makes it more palatable in sandwich form, and turning Squirrels into sandwiches is a time-honored means of fighting the Sciurine menace. Once you have bagged your Squirrel, following the excellent example of our future Vice President, Sarah Palin, it is your patriotic duty as an Alamedan to "make it a sandwich," thus converting the bushy-tailed beast from a threat to a source of energy for the Global War on Squirrels.

Movie Provides Exciting New Strategy in Global War on Squirrels

Dear Editor,

As a right-thinking Alamedan, I am, of course, firmly opposed to Squirrels and the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. However, I recently found out about a new film that might give fresh ammunition to the anti-Squirrel forces here in town.

I refer, of course, to "Hot Tub Time Machine." I happened to see a poster for this upcoming feature and noticed that it had a Squirrel, along with several popular Hollywood actors. At first, I was outraged, figuring that this would be yet another Tinseltown picture glamorizing the scuirine menace, in the tradition of the Nutty Squirrels and Rocky the Flying Squirrel. However, a little Internet research proved that this movie might just help humans win the war on Squirrels once and for all!

According to an Australian review, "Hot Tub Time Machine" includes "a wince-inducing projectile vomiting scene in which a squirrel gets plastered and knocked off a ledge." I am not sure if the author means that the Squirrel in the movie drinks to excess, or that one of the human characters vomits on the vile creature. The review notes that "the squirrel lives," but since Alamedans are the best at everything, including projectile vomiting, I have no doubt that we can borrow this cinematic strategy to help rid our island of Squirrels. I can tell you that when this movie opens, I'll be in the front row of the theater, taking notes!

Edith M. Rigiro

Pizza King Beckons Right-Thinking Alamedans

Dear Roger:

As General Manager of Pizza King on Clement Avenue, I would like to extend a personal invitation to the readership of the Alameda Daily Noose to come try our newest culinary invention: Squirrel Meat topping on our island-famous, delicious pizzas!

These are sure to please right-thinking Alamedans with the most discerning palettes. Pick a pizza with this new topping by itself for an unadulterated slice of Italian Heaven, or get our Mega Combo Squirrel Pizza and you'll be delighted with how the taste of squirrel mixes with traditional pizza toppings such as olives, mushrooms, and bell peppers! We have a full selection of wines and beers — you haven't experienced a fine Napa Valley Chardonnay until you've had it with our deep-dish Squirrel Surprise!

And be sure to bring the kids — not only will they love the food, but they will find our new squirrel-shooting video arcade games absolutely irresistible!

We're pleased that we have finally found a good use for the squirrels that Alamedans have been working so hard to eradicate. In order to let the community "pitch in", we have a drive-through squirrel carcass bin on the right side of the building, available 24 hours. So if you are cleaning out your back yard or sweeping up the street in front of your house, we encourage you to swing on by and drop off the bodies in our bin. (To make sure our food is the freshest, please no more than a week old.) And if you bring them before 11 AM, you could be eating dinner that you yourself caught!

Kind Regards,

Nigel Crossbone
General Manager, Pizza King
1301 Clement Ave.
Alameda, CA 94501

2:52 PM: Who's Snickering Behind the Backs of S.Q.U.I.R.R.E.L.-H.A.T.E.R.S.!?

Rog,

The Anti-anti Squirrel sticker is undoubtedly a ploy currently applied / CAPITALIZED ON / employed / exercised / exploited / operated / plied / practiced / put forth / run by noneother than THE SQUIRREL LIBERATION FRONT. (My son just just got me this great new book called The Saurus, no dinosaurs like he thought but its got so many great words)!

In fact as I was driving slow around Mr Williamsons neighborhood looking for the S.U.V pictured in your picture, I heard somebodys sneaky snicker's behind my back.. I looked in the rearview mirror and all I saw was a BUSHIE FLASH OF REDISH FUR! I view this sneaky snickers' sudden appearance as a not to be ignored threat to the preservation of Alamedas-squirrel Limiting "measure Acorn".

THEY will stop/halt at nothing to promote/father their agenda of adding and embedding the Furry Terrorists. I want to know, as most of us right thinking Alamedan's would, WHOSE/WHATS behind these/those particular sneaky snickerings.

Margaret James.
founding Member; S.Q.U.I.R.R.E.L.-H.A.T.E.R.S.!

Squirrel "False Flag" Operation Impending?

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have learned from sources that the Alameda Squirrel population may be planning on staging a "False Flag" attack in order to justify a fully fledged assault on the human population of Alameda.

Following up on our investigative reporting on terrorist "sleepy cells," the Alameda Daily Noose and I have uncovered another Squirrel Supremacy interweb site which is the online base of operations for the Squirrel so-called "intelligence."

False Flag attacks are military operations in which one group stages a fake attack on their own population in order to generate the urgent patriotism needed to launch a counter-attack against the imagined perpetrator. This technique was used in foreign countries that no Right-Thinking Alamedan has ever heard of, dozens of years ago, but it was more famously documented in the "Gulf of San Leandro" incident, in which the Alameda Squirrel population blew up one of their own walnut trees along the shores of Bay Farm Island, blaming the incident on the Chipmunks. This justified the Alameda Rodent War that lasted over a decade, and finally exterminated every last Chipmunk from the island. (We humans tolerated the battles because, well, we were happy to see those darned Chipmunks go.)

Through our intrepid investigation, we have learned that the Squirrels are ready to try this technique again, probably just before the upcoming election, in order to distract us from going to the polls and voting for the popular Measure "Hate Squirrels." Their plans are to scatter thousands of poisoned acorns throughout the city, enough to kill off several hundred Squirrels, and then blame the incident on the humans. They already have sympathizers in the Alameda Puppy Trainer and the Alameda Fish Wrap, ready to go to press with news stories that call for an all-out war with the human population of our Island City. Their plans, it seems, are to do to the human population of Alameda what they did to the Chipmunks.

If you start running over already-dead Squirrels in the next few weeks as you drive home from your work on the other side of the island, realize that the so-called attack by the humans is not all that it seems. And get ready for an all-out assault from an enraged Rodent population.

Reports of Kamikaze Squirrels Should Light a Fire Under Complacent Alamedans

Tuesday, October 14, 2008 (AP)
Flaming squirrel blamed for small Calif. wildfire

10-14) 10:05 PDT Redding, CA (AP) --

With southern California fighting wind-driven flames and spot fires breaking out across northern California, firefighters have fingered at least one arsonist: an unlucky squirrel.

Redding firefighters say the squirrel set off the blaze when it shorted out a power line, caught fire and dropped into dry vegetation.

Battalion Chief Gerry Gray says it took 18 firefighters and six fire engines to fight the fire that started behind a Redding restaurant.

The fire briefly threatened a home before it was contained Monday.

Redding Electric Utility spokesman Pat Keener says about 200 customers might have noticed their electricity flicker when the squirrel shorted out the high-voltage power line. But the incident did not cause a power outage.

Information from: Record Searchlight, http://redding.com

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I got wind of this disturbing escalation in Sciurine activities from not one, but two of our infallible sources. Lest we make our sources' vegetation patches targets for similar kamikaze attacks, we will not reveal their identities. Suffice it to say that one of them has a bit of a sweet tooth, judging from some of his song and album titles, and the other enjoys living in a place that is surrounded by greenery of the kind that is ideal for soccer games and other pleasant, tree-free recreation.

As usual, the Alameda Daily Noose and I were out in front of this story when we warned last year of the likely danger of exploding Squirrels in Alameda. Unfortunately, it seems that Alameda's "decision makers" were not paying attention. With flaming Squirrels now undoubtedly planning to strike within Alameda's borders, this is no time for our City Council to be limiting funds to our fire department. Instead, we should be beefing up our special Squirrel-extinguishing units, regardless of the expense. After all, what price freedom from flaming or, even worse, exploding Squirrels?

Mayday! Mayday! Radical Group Seeks Funding for Bushy-Tailed Terrorist "Sleepy Cells"

It may be hard to believe that there are people in the world who not only tolerate Squirrels, but actively work to help increase their numbers. For those who need to see the proof with their own eyes here it is:

Dear Editor,

Each spring WildCare admits more than one thousand orphaned and injured baby animals, all needing warmth, gentle care and proper nutrition to grow up strong and wild.

These babies rely on generous and caring people like you to see that WildCare has the resources available to give them a second chance at life. We need your help! Please consider sponsoring a group of baby animals today!

Like most mammals, squirrel mothers take very good care of their young, but if Mom is hit by a car or attacked by a dog, the babies may be orphaned. They arrive at WildCare cold, hungry and desperately needing care.

Baby squirrels in foster care like to snuggle in a hammock hung from the top of their cage. Each year over 100 squirrels need help of some kind from our wildlife hospital, and many of these are orphaned babies. Sponsor a hammock of baby squirrels!

You can make a difference for orphaned baby squirrels and all of WildCare's wild babies by sponsoring a group of little ones for yourself or as a gift. Your sponsorship includes an eCard you may send to someone special featuring the baby of your choice or a download-print-and-fold PDF card for Mother's Day. These wild babies will make any mother smile, and with your sponsorship you'll be helping all of WildCare's orphaned baby animals grow up strong and healthy.

Please click to sponsor a group of babies now! Thank you!

Sincerely,

Karen Wilson
Executive Director
WildCare

PS: Please consider sponsoring a group of baby animals this spring. Donations of $50 or more include a one-year WildCare membership and an invitation to our free Mother's Day event for the whole family!

It is clear that in directing these marching orders to the Alameda Daily Noose and me, the Squirrel sympathizers, operating from their high-security base outside Alameda, are attempting to insinuate Squirrels from other cities into our very homes! The very idea makes the Alameda Daily Noose and me shudder.

However, forewarned is forearmed. Now that the plot has been revealed, Right-Thinking Alamedans will not be taken in by the images of sweet, innocent fawns and ducklings, and inadvertantly end up with one of these "sleepy cells" of Squirrels hanging in a hammock on their front porch.

And, although most of us would choose to stay as far away from Squirrels as we can, the bravest among us may be able to turn this knowledge into a covert anti-Squirrel offensive. By infiltrating the ranks of Squirrel-coddlers, gaining their trust through participating in bottle-feeding and bedding changing, one could gain access to the Squirrels at a critical stage of their political development, and perhaps train them to be less Squirrelly. Then, when these brainwashed Squirrels are released into the wild, they may be able to influence the more Squirrelly members of their species, thus reducing overall levels of Squirrel-like activity.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I would of course be brave enough to complete this mission ourselves, but we are far too busy with…uh…other very important things. Surely some of our loyal readers are willing to risk their own safety for the good of our Treasured Island.

Brenda Snook is Completely Wrong, Except For Part About Alameda Daily Noose's Value to the Community

Rog,

I wanted you to know that I agree with what you said about some of those people out there who seem to have an unhealthy obsession with Squirrels. However, as a frequent reader, I couldn't help noticing that the Alameda Daily Noose seems to be in danger of falling into that same trap. Do you realize that you've been running Squirrel stories for the past four days in a row now (not counting the weekend, of course).

Aren't you worried that if Right-Thinking Alamedans read too much about Squirrels they might start to understand and even sympathize with them? As important as it is to make everyone aware of the Squirrel threat, I'm afraid you may have crossed the line into too much Squirrel coverage. Please, step back from the edge of that abyss before it's too late. The Alameda Daily Noose is far too valuable a resource in our community. I don't want to see it fall to friendly fire in the Global War on Squirrels.

Concerned Citizen Brenda Snook

Editor's Comments:

Brenda Snook clearly doesn't know what she is talking about. The Alameda Daily Noose and I run plenty of stories about things other than Squirrels. Miss Snook must not read carefully enough to realize that. As Tom Paine—or was it Tom Petty?—once said, it is "the height of the folly of ridiculousness" to suggest that we could be susceptible to wasting as much time on Squirrels as those nutty researchers and unrealistic "rehabilitators" who seem to think that being a Squirrel is not necessarily cause for punishment. The Alameda Daily Noose and I can't help it that there has been an alarming amount of Squirrel activity lately, on which it was our duty to report.

A Day for Appreciation…of the Sciurine Menace

Last week, the Alameda Daily Noose and I received a tip from a concerned reader whose name we are withholding in order to protect her life. She alerted us to a shocking story in one of those Boring, Lame Online Gossip Shops (B.L.O.G.S.) called the Hufflepuff Post, or something like that. We wouldn't know because we never read B.L.O.G.S.

Supposedly, last Thursday, January 21, was "Squirrel Appreciation Day," but the Humperdinck Post's radical pro-Squirrel agenda went far beyond mere "appreciation." Not content merely to indoctrinate its readers with Sciurine propaganda and urge them to "spread the word," this shameful rag asked people to fortify the Enemy with sustenance, including—but not limited to—pine cones, peanut butter, and nuts.

As if that weren't bad enough, the Squirrel-hugging Hackensack Post went on to preach defeatism to Right-Thinking Alamedans with enough sense to recognize the Sciurine menace: "If you're a squirrel hater, fight the urge to chase one, throw things at it, etc."

Finally, under the guise of "education," the Heffalump Post presented a terrifying film clip showing a gang of vicious Squirrels terrorizing a poor, defenseless cobra.

Watching that poor snake suffer at the paws of those heartless Squirrels reminded the Alameda Daily Noose and me of a chilling poem we learned back in our school days:

First they came for the pine cones, and I did not speak out—because I was not a pine cone;

Then they came for the peanut butter, and I did not speak out—because my name was neither "Skippy" nor "Jif";

Then they came for the African cape cobras, and I did not speak out—because I was not a member of the suborder Serpentes;

Then they came for me—and there were no Right-Thinking Alamedans left to speak out.

It's time for Right-Thinking Alamedans everywhere to wake up take back our Treasured Island from the Squirrels and the Squirrel sympathizers, before it's too late.

Palin Takes Fight to the Squirrels and Their Allies

Until just a few days ago, the Alameda Daily Noose and I had been in despair over the state of the presidential race. First brave anti-Squirrel crusader Mike Huckleberry was forced to drop out, then came disturbing revelations about John McCain's clandestine ties to Squirrels, and finally Barack Obama was exposed as a kilt-clad Secret Scotsman. Well, all of that changed with McCain's shocking announcement that Sarah Palin, the bible-thumping, gun-toting hockey mom featured in that well-researched Alaskan documentary series "Northern Exposure," will be his running mate.

According to some worthless rag called the Chicago Tribune, Miss Palin is not only taking the fight to the Squirrels, but also the Squirrel-hugging liberal media:

Expect Palin to knock squirrels out of trees across Ohio and Pennsylvania, along with other critters, fur and feathered. Unlike other candidates, she'll probably do her own shooting and skinning, and maybe roast them on sticks, with a pinch of salt, demanding reporters eat some, so they can say it tastes like chicken.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I had been holding out hope of writing in Heidi Wilson for president, but with Palin on the ticket we can finally put aside our reservations about John McCain and vote Republican with a clear conscience. We may not agree with McCain on any of the issues, and we may still believe that he is Soft on Squirrels; however, when we think of Miss Palin drawing a bead on a scurrilous Squirrel, nothing else seems to matter. Almost as exciting, Miss Palin's name will actually be on the presidential ballot! And how can any Right-Thinking Alamedan resist the political allure of roasted Squirrel on a stick?

So watch out, Squirrels and shameless Squirrel-loving "news" media! Well might the hairs on your flea-bitten pelts stand on end. Once this election is over, and Sarah Palin and her running mate, what's-his-name, have been swept to victory, your days will indeed be numbered.

Dave Williamson to Squirrel-huggers: "The blood of a child? Is that what it will take?"

Rog,

Your readers should not be fooled by Elaine Hollandaise's D.A.R.L.I.N.G. arguments. She makes a disingenuous plea for rational discussion, "Oh, no, we just want to talk about Squirrels," when, in reality, she and her ilk are plotting to pack Alameda with dense forests of high-rise trees absolutely stuffed to the gills with Squirrels.

These D.A.R.L.I.N.G. agitators, none of whom actually live in Alameda, are just trying to take advantage of the fact that a tiny minority of Alamedans has gone soft on Squirrels. "Oh, but they're so cute," they say, "They're not hurting anyone; can't we all just get along?"

Well, I suggest those Squirrel-huggers try telling that to the parents of the innocent child who was so viciously attacked during a brazen assault on a San Jose elementary school, carried out in broad daylight less than two weeks ago. As the San Francisco Chronicle reported, the hideous creatures have acquired a taste for human blood:

An 11-year-old student and two parents at Evergreen Elementary School got a scare this morning when a squirrel ran into the building and attacked them, drawing blood in two cases, school officials said. . . .

San Jose Police spokesman Sgt. Nick Muyo said police received a call around 8:45 a.m. alerting them to the attack. The student and one of the parents were bitten hard enough to draw blood, he said.

Bitten hard enough to draw blood. Hard enough to draw blood. So, Squirrel-lovers, is that what you want? The blood of a child? Is that what it will take? The blood of child, a red badge of shame smeared all over your Squirrel-petting hands: Is that what it is going to take for you to see the error of your ways?

Dave Williamson

Squirrel/Bicycle Accident

Rog,

Yesterday, I came across this accident at the corner of Lincoln Avenue and Sherman Street. Around 3:00 p.m., a Squirrel traveling southbound on Sherman collided with a youngster's bike traveling north bound on Sherman, just south of Lincoln. Alameda police said the Squirrel's brazen attempt to murder a child was thwarted and nobody was seriously injured. But the hapless bicyclist's knee was severely skinned. (See photo)


Well, there you have it, the blood of a child, just like I warned you...but would you listen? No! I hope you're happy, all of you Squirrel-coddlers out there!

Dave Williamson