Recap of Measure Acorn Activities

Rog,

Now that we're about two years into the latest campaign to undo Measure Acorn, the low tree-density restriction in Alameda, I thought it might be a good time to summarize and re-cap some of what we've learned. To wit:

Measure Acorn critics like to blame the people of Alameda for planting so many trees. They claim that some people actually like having big, leafy Squirrel magnets all over town! But scientific studies have shown what the real driving force behind tree proliferation is. Squirrels burying acorns and other seeds, and then failing to dig them up before they sprout, cause the growth of untold numbers of trees every year. So I guess it's the Squirrels who are to blame for our tree overcrowding problem, and not people at all.

Measure Acorn critics also like to say that the presence of trees can increase property values. But we know from a 2005 study done by the Prestigious Institute of Sciurine Studies that high tree-density suburban cities tend to have much lower property values than we do in relatively tree-free Alameda. It is clear that people prefer to live in places where there are not many trees per acre, which is why housing prices are so high in our City. So I guess what this tells us is that Alameda is perfect just the way it is, and allowing higher tree densities would completely destroy our ability to profit from real estate transactions.

They say trees provide shade, but I ask you, is that not what umbrellas are for?

But, they argue, trees help prevent run-off by absorbing water. Well, so does Kentucky Bluegrass, so what do we need trees for?

Birds like trees, but who likes birds? Any creature that would treat automobiles—those shiny, turbocharged instruments of our Alamedan freedom—with such flagrant disrespect has no right to live in Alameda!

And, as I've already pointed out, trees are a haven for Squirrels. Measure Acorn critics try to convince us that this is not a problem, that we should like Squirrels because they are cute, to which I issue the following scathing rebuttal: "Nuh-uh!"

One could (and indeed, one often does) go on and on - so many of the claims by Measure Acorn critics have been debunked by now - but this covers the main issues that Measure Acorn critics have tried to raise over the past couple of years. But I think Alameda residents are smart enough to see through the smoke screen created by Measure Acorn critics to hide their real agenda - undoing Measure Acorn to allow Squirrels a free ride to maximizing tree growth and nut production at the expense of residents.

Dave Williamson

Dave Williamson Says Law Allows Registrar to Name SunCal's Measure as Alpha Rather than A to Avoid Confusing Voters

Rog,

California Elections Code provides that the registrar can pick a different letter - they don't have to start with "A" - in the event that a new measure might be confused with past measures. According to California Elections Code Section 11316, "An elections official may commence designating local measures with any letter of the alphabet following the letter 'A,' and continuing in alphabetical order, in order to avoid voter confusion that might result from different local measures carrying the same letter designation in successive elections."

Obviously, when it comes time for Alameda citizens to vote against the tree-laden peat bog that is planned for Alameda Point, they will be prone to confusing it with our beloved Measure Acorn, which also starts with "A." This community voted overwhelmingly in favor of Measure Acorn in an election which was succeeded by another election, which was succeeded by still more elections, which will be succeeded by the upcoming election, so by the computative property, the next election will be the successor to that original Measure Acorn election. We know that no-one actually reads any of the initiatives that they vote on, so everyone would be sure to vote for a new "Measure A" in the belief that they were upholding the old "Measure Acorn."

Simply changing the letter of the initiative to "B" is not an option, however. Many previous elections have involved completely unrelated initiatives labeled with that letter, some of which have been worth voting for. We can't take the risk that anyone might confuse the new "Measure B" with some previous "Measure B," or "C," or any other letter that might have positive associations. All of the letters of the alphabet, from "Acorn" to "Z" have been used at one time or another for elections in Alameda, or cities near Alameda. For example, the recent use of "Measure Z," in connection with marijuana law in that City That Is Not Alameda, would make it particularly confusing to use the letter "Z" in our election, because you would have to be high to vote for something that would tamper with Measure Acorn.

It would be much better to label this new initiative with a completely different kind of symbol, such as a letter of the Greek alphabet.


Of course, the election would need to be postponed to allow time for all voters to learn the Greek alphabet, but it is the only way to ensure fair results. There is no way that a capital letter "Alpha", for example, could be confused with the Alamedan letter "A". Right-Thinking Alamedans should urge the registrar to support Measure Acorn by not labeling the new anti-Measure Acorn initiative with an "A," but instead with the first letter of the Greek alphabet, which is the only way to prevent any possible confusion.

Dave Williamson

Council Fails to Disclose Secret Plan to Overturn "Measure Acorn"

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were on the edges of our seats watching last night's City Council meeting, as we waited for the Council to reveal its secret plans to overturn Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn." Way back on September 5, 2007, an alert reader informed us that the Council had formed a committee for the sole purpose of subverting Measure Acorn, colloquially known as "Measure Acorn," under the guise of cleaning up obsolete language in the City Charter. You can only imagine our disappointment at the Council for failing to come clean, despite a withering barrage of questions from representatives of Inaction Alameda!

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were so disappointed that we spent the whole night reviewing our tape of the meeting, yet closer scrutiny revealed nothing more than a mind-numbingly boring discussion of accountants' credentials and masculine and feminine pronouns. Of course, just as predicted in the Alameda Daily Noose, the committee favored the abolition of the Alameda Secret Police Fund, which we know will come as a huge disappointment to our good friend and loyal reader Marlene Verloren.

Finally, as the Alameda Daily Noose and I backed the tape up for what seemed like the hundredth time, we noticed something unexpected. Sure enough, when we turned up the volume and ran the tape slowly backwards, we could hear the Mayor utter the following phrase, clear as a bell:

"When 'Measure Acorn' comes, they run and hide their nuts."

Bingo! Obviously, the Mayor was using what sounded like bureaucratic gobbledygook to insert a coded secret message to her minions. On the face of it, the text seems to refer to the way the Squirrels are held in check by "Measure Acorn," but there must be some way to interpret it as a malevolent call to arms against the low tree density of our Treasured Island. The Alameda Daily Noose and I will continue listening to the suspicious backwards message until we've figured out how to twist it into the meaning that we know is there.

Developer Drooling Dream Team, the Planning Board Is, Yes!

Editor,

What's wrong with this picture? All of the Mayor's appointed Planning Board Members are on record as wanting to dump Measure Acorn. We have them all on tape, but the tape is so shocking we're not showing it to anybody. You'll have to trust us on this one.

Anyway, this so-called Planning Board insists on oak, walnut and fetid buckeye trees in every project, then complains about "nutty" developments and blames Measure Acorn for what they approved. Everyone knows that those Evil Developers are in league with the Squirrels. Housing, in the middle of nowhere, all nut trees and open fields, no demands on the Evil Developer for creative designs and suddenly the place is overrun by Squirrels playing "bingo," and its their number one poster child example of why we should get rid of Measure Acorn.

Back in my day many award winning and soon to be award winning projects such as Curmudgeon Estates and Grump Landing, which as you well know is the home of Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters, were developed in compliance with Measure Acorn, not a Squirrel in sight; look at them and see what a good Planning Board can accomplish.

There is a vacancy on the Planning Board and avowed anti-Measure Acorn opponent John…Knox…White has applied. If the Mayor nominates him, Alameda will have its first ever 100% anti-Measure Acorn Planning Board. Alameda has an Evil Developer drooling dream team on the Planning Board composed of high tree density advocates, with a nutty taste in their mouths, who never question Evil Developers assertions of what they must build to appease their secret allies the Squirrels.

Bottom line, Planning Board is appointed and cannot be recalled. Mayor and City Council appoint them; remove them and set a policy of "The Buckeye Stops There".

Janice Lighter-Merv

Sue Rijos Has a New Name for Measure B

Editor,

I have an Idea.

They should change the name of Measure B
to Measure C for Crummy!!

Ha, ha, that's really clever and funny. Maybe it should be
Measure D for Dumb!!

Even better! How about
Measure E for Evil!!
Measure F for Foolish!!
Measure G for God-Awful!!
Measure H for Horrible!!
Measure I for Idiotic!!
Measure J for Junky!!
Measure K for Kooky!!
Measure L for Lousy!!
Measure M for Messed-Up!!

Wow, this just never gets old. How about
Measure N for Nasty!!
Measure O for Obnoxious!!
Measure P for Poopy!!
Measure Q for Questionable!!
Measure R for Rotten!!
Measure S for Stupid!!
Measure T for Trashy!!
Measure U for Unbearable!!
Measure V for Villainous!!
Measure W for Weak!!
Measure X for…

Measure X for…

Measure X for Xylophone, because…because X is always for Xylophone, and a Xylophone's as good as a Bagpipe in the dark to a blind bat, as my dear old grandmother always used to say!!

Then again, maybe it should be
Measure Y for Yucky!!
Measure Z for Zombifying!!

Which brings us back to
Measure A for…

No, no, wait, Measure A is reserved in perpetuity for Measure Acorn and Measure Angus, each of which is the only thing that stands between Alameda and total destruction. No, no, Measure A is out.

OK, so that only leaves the best name yet
Measure B for Bad!!

Sue Rijos

Fight "Acorn": Keep Measure Acorn

Over the weekend, the Alameda Daily Noose and I mysteriously received the following mysterious note from a mysterious Miss Ann Ominous:

Anonymous said...

Dave Williamson, you should dig deeper. You are being used. Your holy document, Measure Acorn, is obviously the work of a community organizer from the disgraced group ACORN, a known squirrel front group.

September 26, 2009 1:12 PM

Let the Alameda Daily Noose and me be the first to step up to defend Mr. Williamson's reputation against these libelous charges. Now, you may disagree with Mr. Williamson—if you're a Wrong-Thinking Alamedan, that is—but you have to admit that his facts are always 100% correct. In fact, that's an understatement: They are usually between 110% and 120% correct.

When it comes to the subject of "Acorn," the Alameda Daily Noose and I have already done some deep digging. Alamedans are right to be concerned about the Squirrel-related activities of this shady organization. However, there is no connection between these tree-hugging troublemakers and Alameda's time-honored Measure Acorn, which, as anyone who has lived in Alameda for any time at all knows, is the only thing saving our town from the proliferation of trees and the Squirrel scourge that comes with them.

Don't be confused by similar-sounding names, Miss Animus. Just because your name sounds like "Ann on a Moose," that doesn't mean that anyone would accuse you of being from Canada, although that would explain your poor knowledge of Alameda.

Janice Lighter-Merv Knows How to Handle "Measure Acorn" Sub-Committee

Rog,

I am SHOCKED at recent reports that the city council is forming a sub-committee for the sole purpose of overturning Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn." Sure, they SAY they are only looking at removing moldy old language from the city charter, like the provision for the "Secret Police Fund," established by an enthusiastic and very snappily dressed group of German immigrants in 1937. Well, first of all, I'm not entirely sure we should get rid of the Secret Police. Nobody knows what they're doing, but whatever it is, it must be working, because people can walk their dogs at night without fear of Zeppelin attacks. We should probably keep them around, just to be on the safe side.

Wait, where was I? Oh, right, the "Measure Acorn" sub-committee! As the president of the Alameda Cultural Heritage Education Society, I can assure you that if Chuck Corica was still mayor, he wouldn't have put up with these Shenanigans - and I will use that word, Shenanigans. All right-thinking Alamedans know about the exact replica of Mayor Corica's barber shop enshrined in the most popular A.C.H.E.S. exhibit, but not many know what is on display in the small brick-walled courtyard out behind City Hall:

Although Chuck Corica never actually used these during his administration, everybody knows that if anybody had even THOUGHT about forming something like this "Measure Acorn" sub-committee, they would have been strung up faster than you could say "shave and a haircut"! The very fact that he was ready and willing to do it meant he never had to. Unfortunately, today the Chuck Corica Memorial Gallows are just another moth-eaten A.C.H.E.S. exhibit, and the only Noose that evildoers today have to fear is of the Alameda Daily variety.

Janice Lighter-Merv

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland Expresses Outrage over Squirrel Coverage

Rog,

I have been fuming ever since I read your article about Squirrel self-defense classes on Friday. Thanks for ruining the weekend for me and my family!

Don't get me wrong, the Alameda Daily Noose and all of the other major news media need to pay more attention to Squirrel-related violence, but your failure to mention Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" was an affront to right-thinking Alamedans around the world. I'm sure Mr. Risa's karate chop packs a mean wallop, but everyone knows that "Measure Acorn" is, was and always will be our FIRST line of defense against Squirrels. Biased coverage like this just plays into the hands of the shills for Big Arborist who try to downplay the importance of "Measure Acorn" in limiting Squirrels.

Another shameful tactic of Squirrel apologists is to claim that Squirrels are cute and harmless. DON'T BELIEVE IT FOR A SECOND! Some people have accused me of being paranoid, but now I have proof that all Squirrels are agents of evil. Just this week, 14 Squirrels were arrested and held on espionage charges in the Middle East:

http://worldblog.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2007/07/20/280529.aspx

So far nobody has figured out who employed these Squirrel secret agents, but that's only because those incompetent investigators haven't bothered to ask any right-thinking Alamedans. We know that those bushy-tailed terrorists are the agents of none other than Big Arborist!

So, the next time you see a Squirrel in the park creeping closer and closer, constantly giving you the Beady Eye of Evil, remember: He's not some cute critter begging for a treat, he's SPYING ON YOU and reporting everything back to his puppet masters at Big Arborist!

Keep "Measure Acorn." It's our only hope for victory in the Global War on Squirrels.

Donald Kirkland

Acorn Controversy Gnaws Away at Alamedan Democracy

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were trying to get one of those dratted video-tapes to play in our VCR last week when something on the T.V. screen caught our eye. It seemed to be some kind of two-person grump-off, but the younger participant wasn't accomplishing much in the way of grimacing, accusing, and eye-rolling. What really got our attention, though, was when the grumpier contestant uttered the word "Acorn," and everything fell into place. This wasn't just any grump-off, we realized, but a debate between Secret Scotsman Barack Obama and what's-his-name, the running mate of brave, Squirrel-fighting Vice Presidential candidate Miss Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I immediately turned off the T.V. and set off on what would prove to be a days-long journalistic adventure. At first, we simply assumed that both Obama and what's-his-name had finally realized the importance of supporting Squirrel-limiting Measure Acorn in order to secure the Alameda vote, but a little hard-hitting investigative reporting revealed that there is more to it than that.

It turns out that there is a shady organization known as "Acorn" which has been brazenly taunting legitimate voters by registering Squirrels to vote in the upcoming November election. The Alameda Daily Noose and I, based on our extensive knowledge of Sciurine strategy, have reconstructed a list of fake registrants that would probably be typical of those who see America as so nutty that they pal around with Squirrels. All might seem in order to the untrained eye, but the Alameda Daily Noose and I could spot such obviously phony names at a glance:

Ardilla Bonita
Chip N. Dale
George H. W. Bushy
Scamper McNutt
Bill Davidson
Sy R. Ine
Beth Bourland
Kawai Risu
Dweeby Treehugger
Ima S. Quirrel

Oh, sure, Acorn claims that bogus registrations are caught in the "verification" process, which is undoubtedly carried out by so-called experts, and we all know how much we can rely on them. With such clever tricks afoot, the only safe solution is to throw out all voter registrations that have been made since Measure Acorn was passed.

While some politicians would like to distract us from their shameless cavorting with known Squirrels by going on about ridiculous non-issues like the economy, foreclosures, health care, etc., we need to keep our focus on the twin dangers of tree proliferation and Squirrels. Only voters who recognize those threats should be allowed to vote in this election, because we know they will make the right choice.

Some Perfectly Fair Questions About Alameda Point

The Alameda Daily Noose and I received an anonymous tip informing us that there is a shadowy "push poll" being conducted on the future of Alameda Point, colloquially known as "Alameda Point." Normally we would condemn this kind of nefarious activity, but after reading the fair and balanced questions, we feel compelled to bring the survey to the attention of all Right-Thinking Alamedans:

1. Don't you think that it would be better to leave Alameda Point as a big empty space, or, better yet, a place for people from out of town to fly their model airplanes?

2. Would you rather that the future of Alameda Point be placed in the hands of Evil Developers from Out of Town, who would like nothing better than to tie up our Treasured Island and have their way with her, or would you prefer it to be placed in the hands of kind, gentle, Right-Thinking Alamedans?

3. Should that Manhattanite, John…Knox…White, be tarred, feathered, or both?

4. What are your top complaints about the potential redevelopment of Alameda Point? Please rank the following choices from 1 to 5:

• Traffic.


• Traffic.


• Traffic.


• Traffic.


• TRAFFIC!

5. Wouldn't you have to be some kind of an idiot to support so-called Tartan Oriented Development at Alameda Point, knowing full well that it might be your children who are exposed to Bagpipe music every night, and knowing that Scotsmen might be parking in front of your house?

6. Measure Acorn, colloquially known as "Measure Acorn": great measure, or greatest measure?

7. Is it not untrue that trees beget Squirrels, and Squirrels beget mayhem, and therefore, tree density should continue to be limited by "Measure Acorn" at Alameda Point?

8. If Chuck Corica were alive today, wouldn't you agree that He would be disgusted by any plans for Alameda Point that did not consist entirely of a golf course, and wouldn't you be a sorry excuse for an Alameda citizen—ignorant of our Treasured Island's history and not fit to kiss its soiled golf shoes—if you thought otherwise?

9. Don't you hate surveys that don't have a nice, tidy, round number of questions?

10. Don't you love it when the handsome, intelligent writers of a survey insert a completely unnecessary, totally uninformative question at the end, even though there's no more information to be gleaned, just to make a nice, tidy, round number of questions?

Please record your answers on a standard 5" by 5" cocktail napkin and submit them to Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters by Tuesday, December 4, 2007. All of the results we like will be tabulated and published whenever we are darned well good and ready.

"Measure Acorn" Rivals to Face Off in Squirrel Cage Smackdown

Wednesday! Wednesday! Wednesday! July 11, at 7:00 p.m. in the old gymnasium at Alameda Hospital, the City of Alameda Democratic Wrestling Federation (C.A.D.W.F.) will present a no-holds-barred steel cage match that is being internationally promoted as the "Fray by the Bay." Frustrated with years of so-called community meetings and quote-unquote public forums that have decided nothing, the C.A.D.W.F. plans to settle the long-running debate over Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" the American way: with good old-fashioned, red-blooded violence.

Proudly representing the views of right-thinking Alamedans everywhere will be former councilmember Brenda Karl, who is fiercely independent and is not, repeat, not wrestling on behalf of the community group "Save Quiet, Unspoiled Islands from Rapacious Rodent Evildoing Limb-Hoppers Attacking, Terrorizing, and Endangering Residents: Squirrels!" (S.Q.U.I.R.R.E.L.-H.A.T.E.R.S.!). Karl will face off against the reviled Squirrel-hugger Elaine Hollandaise, founding member and co-chair of "Delightful Acrobatic Rodents Living In Neighborhood Greenery" (D.A.R.L.I.N.G.), paid shill of Big Arborist, and all-around nasty person. The outcome of the match will determine whether "Measure Acorn" is upheld or rejected, thanks to a little-known provision in the City Charter that has not been invoked since 1894, when Thurston Wainwright defeated Fergus Avery in a thrilling match that upheld Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus," which had been enacted just one year earlier.

Tickets will go on sale today, Friday, July 5 at 10:00 a.m. at the C.A.D.W.F. box office and ticketmaster.com. Ticket prices are $15 for the bleachers, $20 for floor seats, $25 for ringside seating, and special V.I.P. passes for $50. Bell time is 7:00 p.m. and the doors open at 6:30 p.m. Parents who see this be warned, this match is going to be violent and bloody and may contain foul language, twisted logic, and explicit discussion of Squirrels.

Voters Demand Answers…and Questions to Match!

Every election year, the Alameda Daily Noose and I provide a valuable service to our readers by endorsing an eclectic array of candidates, from the most seasoned veterans of battles over Measure Acorn to the freshest, most puzzling young faces on the political scene. We do not make these decisions lightly, although we reserve the right to suddenly switch our endorsements without explanation. Indeed, so swift and silent are we in this process of course correction that many Right-Thinking Noose fans fail to notice that anthing has changed, and assume that our final endorsement is the one and only version that has ever existed.

In order to make our well-considered and influential decisions on this year's races, we require a certain amount of effort from those who are running. If you wish to obtain or keep a political office in the city of Alameda, you will need to provide us with the answers to certain hard-hitting questions. Of course, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are a bit short of time, what with it being so close to election day, and our life-sized lawn sculpture tribute to Miss Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin still being far from completion. So, although we will read your responses with our usual thoroughness and keen understanding, we will need you all to provide the actual questions as well. We like to deliver some real zingers in our interviews of candidates, and who could be more qualified to identify your weakest points than yourselves? The Alameda Daily Noose and I have thoughtfully provided this clip-'n'-complete form for your convenience:



Potentially self-incriminating topics that you may wish to ask yourself about include Measure Acorn, Measure Angus, people parking in front of each other's houses, John Knox White, morons, bosons, and the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. Please structure your questions to yourselves such that in trying to answer them, you will find yourselves backed into a corner, at which point the Alameda Daily Noose and I will be able to point out, triumphantly, that despite your feeble protestations to the contrary, you are really not a strong supporter of Measure Acorn.

Mail your completed questions and answers to the Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters, or type them into a gee-mail letter to rogergrumbel@gmail.com. Be sure to spell your name correctly, and identify which position you hope to win, and which, if any, you currently occupy. The Alameda Daily Noose will not be responsible for any misidentifications of School Board members or other such trivial errors.

Alamedageddon: This Time, We're Not Just Imagining It!

Sound the alarms! It's official: Squirrels are attempting to undermine Alameda's sacred, tree-limiting Measure Acorn. The Alameda Noose and I have yet to find evidence that Squirrels are the masterminds of this operation, but that is because Squirrels are so notoriously devious and secretive. They often conceal evidence of their activities in hollow trees or buried under garden plants, or in impenetrable 288-page documents that no-one in their Right-Thinking minds would bother to read. As you can see, the Squirrel in the photo above is menacing a collection of potted plants, do doubt attempting to conceal the evidence that potted plants are a sensible alternative to those darned trees that our government keeps trying to force on us.

Yes, there is no doubt in our minds that our so-called City Council was in cahoots with the Squirrels last night when they revealed that plans for the Evil Robot Base at Alameda Point include exempting it from the perfectly sensible restrictions of Measure Acorn! We all know that trees benefit no-one, except for Squirrels. Therefore, last night's announcement is tantamount to a declaration of which side the Council is taking in the Global War on Squirrels!

At this very moment, developer fat cats are at work gathering signatures in an underhanded attempt to put their plans to a vote of the people of Alameda. They know full well that we are all far too easily distracted by glossy mailers to be able to keep straight in our heads that we must support Measure Acorn at all costs! That has been the battle cry of Right-Thinking Alamedans since our treasured Measure was first passed in 1971, and then passed again in 1973.

It won't be easy, but we will have to try to remember that fundamental principle, even in the face of glossy, expensive mailers still redolent with the alluring smell of fresh ink. Be strong, Alamedans, and if the worst comes to pass, refuse to vote! We know that nothing good can come of direct democracy.

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 63 days, with the most recent shown in green:


Corica Have Mercy:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, May 18, 2010

Editor's Comments:

City staff seems determined to go on and on about plans to develop Alameda Point, even though the electorate, by voting down Measure B this spring, soundly rejected the idea of ever changing anything at the former naval air station. The Alameda Daily Noose and I are amazed that the City still cannot get this fact through their skulls!


This Is an Outrage:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, May 10, 2010

City of Alameda Public Utilities Board, May 17, 2010

Editor's Comments:

If we can just pass proposition 16 in the election next week, this could be the last Public Utilities Board interwebcast we ever have to sit through! The Alameda Daily Noose and I can't wait to join other Right-Thinking voters in wresting control of the clean coal content of our power away from those fat cats at Alameda Muniserable Power.


So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:
Regular Transportation Commission, April 28, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, May 24, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, June 1, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, June 15, 2010

Editor's Comments:

The City Council as good as admitted that the parking garage has turned out to be a complete failure and should be torn down. Of course, even the most Right-Thinking among them were too timid to suggest that sensible course of action, but they acknowledged that the garage hasn't brought in as much revenue as expected, which amounts to the same thing.


Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:
Regular Transportation Commission, May 26, 2010

Editor's Comments:

We can't decide whether the footage of boats is more boring than the meetings with people droning on about public transportation, but it's high time the City stopped holding these Transformation Committee meetings altogether.

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council May 4, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, June 14, 2010

Special Planning Board Meeting, June 21, 2010


Nothing Worth Complaining About:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, April 26, 2010

Special ARRA Meeting - AP Environmental Update, May 6, 2010

Dave Williamson sets the record straight

Rog,

Elaine Hollandaise should get her facts straight before she presumes to correct the supposed errors of right-thinking Alamedans. First of all, she claims that she and the rest of her D.A.R.L.I.N.G. friends live in Alameda. Anyone who understands logic can see that this is false. Everyone knows that to live in Alameda is to love Alameda. People love Alameda because of that special quality that makes Alameda great. Everyone knows that Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" preserves everything that's great about Alameda. It's common knowledge that D.A.R.L.I.N.G. is out to overturn Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn." That means D.A.R.L.I.N.G. wants to eliminate everything that's great about Alameda, which means that they cannot possibly love Alameda. If they don't love Alameda, then they must not live in Alameda. Q.E.D. So, Elaine Hollandaise may have resided in Alameda for over 40 years, but she most certainly does not live here!

Elaine Hollandaise goes on to claim that the brutal Squirrel attack in San Jose was an isolated incident. Preposterous! If it was an isolated incident, then why did multiple news media outlets cover the story? In addition to the Chronicle article, KPIX TV broadcast shocking coverage of the aftermath of the attack. Intrepid reporter Tony Russomanno, visibly shaken by the horror of the situation, began his report, "Wendy, here in San Jose's Evergreen School District there have been attacks on school administrators by wild boars, a lock-down caused by a mountain lion, but the only time anyone was injured by a wild animal was today, when two parents and an eleven-year-old girl were clawed and bitten by a squirrel. That's right, a squirrel."

Yes, you read that right. This statement proves that Squirrels are more dangerous that wild boars and mountain lions combined! Tell that to the D.A.R.L.I.N.G. deceivers who claim that Squirrels aren't really all that dangerous!

Some Squirrel-coddlers might say, "It can never happen here in Alameda because we have a relatively low density of Squirrels; Manhattan, definitely, Brooklyn, maybe, but never here!" Well, think again. As the Chronicle article I quoted earlier points out, even a low density of Squirrels can be enough to give rise to an attack like this one:

"It's not a heavily infested area, it's not like there are squirrel everywhere," he [school district spokesman Will Ector] said.

But even this horrific attack is just one shot in the opening salvo of the Squirrels' bid for world domination. As the Chronicle reports, it's not difficult to connect the dots in the emerging pattern of violence:

It's not the first aggressive squirrel the South Bay has seen lately. Since the fall, there have been problems at Mountain View's Cuesta Park, with at least four people suffering bites.

Animal control officials attributed the aggressive behavior to a preponderance of food being left around the park, which had emboldened the animals. In one case, a 4-year-old boy was bitten after a squirrel attempted to steal his muffin.

Our precious children and their delicious muffins are not safe! This quotation proves not only that Squirrel-on-human violence is widespread, but also that Squirrels are dangerously emboldenable. Just as criticizing our President's war policy only emboldens our enemies, criticizing Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" policy only emboldens the Squirrels.

So, Squirrel-snugglers, you have a choice to make, one you had better consider very carefully: You can stand with us Human Alamedans on the side of Freedom and Dignity, or you can side with the Bushy-Tailed Terrorists in their sworn struggle to destroy everything that is Right and Good about our town. I ask you: Are you with us, or are you against us?

Dave Williamson

New Book about Measure Acorn

Following is an exclusive, hard-hitting press release from Angry Minds, Inc., the world-renowned publisher of do-it-yourself books for people with self-esteem issues:

Hop on down to your local Barnes & Noble, Amazon.com, Borders, or Waldenbooks store! The long-awaited Measure Acorn for Dummies book is finally available.

This is a book that every Right-Thinking Alamedan should have. This is a full guide to everything about Measure Acorn, including:

• How Squirrels are undermining our liberties
• Homemade poisons for Squirrels
• How to chase Squirrels out of your back yard and into your neighbors'
• Fun activities to do with Squirrel carrion
• Spotting double-agent Squirrels
• Creative capturing techniques

5:16 a.m.: New Movie, in which Bamboozlers and Muzzlers Freeze in Hell, Opens Today at Alameda's Midtown Movies

The PG rated fantasy movie "Inferno: Book of Secrets" opens today at Alameda's Midtown Movies, 824 Encinal Avenue. This film is a dramatization of the fate that awaits opponents of Alameda's Squirrel-limiting Measure Acorn, colloquially known as "Measure Acorn," in the afterlife. Rog Grumbel gave it a grade of A+, and the Alameda Daily Noose gave it a grade of A++.

Despite our bitter difference of opinion on the quality of this film, the Alameda Daily Noose and I agreed that one of the best parts was when the hero, Don Tay, first arrives in the Ninth Circle of Hell, which is reserved for the Muzzlers and Bamboozlers who spent their useless lives trying to destroy Measure Acorn. As Don arrives at the shore of a huge, very convincing model of a frozen lake, the movie's narrator solemnly intones:

So, to where modest shame appears, thus low
Blue pinch'd and shrined in ice the Muzzlers stood,
Moving their teeth in shrill Bamboozlement.
Her face each downward held; their mouth the cold,
Their eyes express'd the dolour of their heart.

As great as that part was, our favorite part was the dramatic climax of the film. We don't want to spoil it for those who weren't important enough to be invited to an exclusive sneak preview, so we can't tell you how shocked we were to see Satan depicted in all his computer-generated glory:

Speak of the Devil! To his rear shot forth
A mighty tail, enormous as became
A Squirr'l so vast. Sails never such I saw
Outstretch'd on the wide sea. No plumes had it,
But was in texture like a brush; and this
He flapp'd i' th' air, that from him issued still
A chit-chit-chitting deep within his throat
The likes of which no human ears have heard
Whilst perch'd upon a bench in Jackson Park.

The movie will be shown at 1:00 p.m. and 3:30 p.m. Friday through Sunday and at 3:30 p.m. Monday through Thursday.

Tickets are $7.00 for everyone at matinees, and $8.00 for adults after 6:00 p.m., or $7.50 for people who are adults only before 6:00 p.m., or when the moon is full, except after "c," or when sounded as "a," as in "neighbor" and "Stoneleigh."

Oakland Cinema Chimes in on Measure Bagpipe

Spotted! The historic "Grand Lake Theatre" in the foreign country of Oakland has taken a keen interest in Alameda Politics.

The controversial theatre, known for playing movies about things that happen outside of Alameda, is well known for its politically charged marquees. Usually the signs declare half-brained cockamamie accusations about flaws in electronic voting machines or insider trading or government coverups, but it's nice to see that even these "liberal" nut-jobs have embraced the grumpy side of the force, and are now coming out against Measure Bagpipe!

The Alameda Daily Noose and I can't believe it took so long for a bunch of nuts to realize that they are in danger from Squirrels. Right-Thinking Alamedans have long known that Measure Acorn is the one thing standing between us and destruction by Squirrels, and now Measure Bagpipe (colloquially known as Measure B) threatens to undermine Measure Acorn, thereby destroying our precious quality of life.

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland is Outraged to See Measure A on Ballot

Rog,

I opened up the sample ballot that I got in the mail (not that there's any point in voting, but I like to know what I'm refusing to vote on) and what was the first thing I saw? It was a big "A" staring me in the face. Everyone knows that "A" stands for only one thing in Alameda, and that's Tartan-limiting Measure Angus! Oh, that and Squirrel-limiting Measure Acorn…but that's all! We all know what is the real threat, and I am OUTRAGED that those money-grubbing, know-nothing, Council-co-opting DEVELOPERS would try to back-door the vote on the most important law there is in Alameda.

Did they think we wouldn't notice that big "A"? Do they think we're too stupid to realize that changing Tartan-limiting Measure Angus won't do anything to help children or hospitals? I, for one, like children, and I think it's absolutely DISGUSTING to use them for political purposes. I know my own adorable kids would burst into tears if they ever saw Measure "A" on the ballot. You'd like that, wouldn't you, you heartless Measure Angus opponents!

What, you may ask, could be even worse than exploiting children? Well, half of the language on the ballot is about That City That Is Definitely NOT Alameda, and they admit that the ill-gotten gains to be generated from changing Measure Angus will be going directly to That Other City, NOT Alameda!!

We all know how lucrative Bagpipes can be, but AT WHAT COST? AT WHAT COST??? I have no idea what the actual cost is, but I'm sure it's enormous. That is why every Right-Thinking Alamedan needs to show his or her outrage by BOYCOTTING this crooked election. We don't need this change, and we shouldn't even dignify the deceptively abbreviated Measure A with a vote. So don't just vote NO on February 5th; instead, make it NO VOTE!

Yours in OUTRAGE,

Donald Kirkland

Election Yard Sign Round-up: A Special Report

Last year, our scoop of noose showing the only pro-measure-B (and thus, anti-measure-Acorn) sign to be found in Alameda demonstrated our journalistic integrity and also helped preserve Measure Acorn.

This year, with the election just around the corner (Be sure to vote on Election Day, June 27, or mail in your ballots by June 26) we here at the Alameda Daily Noose thought it would be a good idea to take a drive around the island and see what yard signs are on display, and get a sense of what the public is thinking (and also to keep tabs on any non-Right-Thinking Alamedans).

Naturally, the most popular signs are all the variations of the "Keep Measure A(corn)" signs that are on nearly everybody's lawns, even after nearly four years. We know that there are different sides to the issue, and that the yard signs don't always agree but what we can all agree on is that Measure A must be preserved for all eternity.

As for the current state propositions, we here at the Noose can never keep track of all these confusing numbers, but fortunately the yard signs have made the choices clear.