Acorn Controversy Gnaws Away at Alamedan Democracy

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were trying to get one of those dratted video-tapes to play in our VCR last week when something on the T.V. screen caught our eye. It seemed to be some kind of two-person grump-off, but the younger participant wasn't accomplishing much in the way of grimacing, accusing, and eye-rolling. What really got our attention, though, was when the grumpier contestant uttered the word "Acorn," and everything fell into place. This wasn't just any grump-off, we realized, but a debate between Secret Scotsman Barack Obama and what's-his-name, the running mate of brave, Squirrel-fighting Vice Presidential candidate Miss Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I immediately turned off the T.V. and set off on what would prove to be a days-long journalistic adventure. At first, we simply assumed that both Obama and what's-his-name had finally realized the importance of supporting Squirrel-limiting Measure Acorn in order to secure the Alameda vote, but a little hard-hitting investigative reporting revealed that there is more to it than that.

It turns out that there is a shady organization known as "Acorn" which has been brazenly taunting legitimate voters by registering Squirrels to vote in the upcoming November election. The Alameda Daily Noose and I, based on our extensive knowledge of Sciurine strategy, have reconstructed a list of fake registrants that would probably be typical of those who see America as so nutty that they pal around with Squirrels. All might seem in order to the untrained eye, but the Alameda Daily Noose and I could spot such obviously phony names at a glance:

Ardilla Bonita
Chip N. Dale
George H. W. Bushy
Scamper McNutt
Bill Davidson
Sy R. Ine
Beth Bourland
Kawai Risu
Dweeby Treehugger
Ima S. Quirrel

Oh, sure, Acorn claims that bogus registrations are caught in the "verification" process, which is undoubtedly carried out by so-called experts, and we all know how much we can rely on them. With such clever tricks afoot, the only safe solution is to throw out all voter registrations that have been made since Measure Acorn was passed.

While some politicians would like to distract us from their shameless cavorting with known Squirrels by going on about ridiculous non-issues like the economy, foreclosures, health care, etc., we need to keep our focus on the twin dangers of tree proliferation and Squirrels. Only voters who recognize those threats should be allowed to vote in this election, because we know they will make the right choice.