Friday, June 29, 2007

Former City Council Candidate's Touching Plea for Civility


Oh, what ever has become of politeness in our community? Contrary to popular opinion, I'm actually very polite. For example, I hardly ever insult any of the idiots who run our city to their faces. That's why it breaks my heart to see people sitting on the sidelines, week after week, making personal attacks on those of us who are just volunteering our time to try to make our community better. I am not childish, and I'd like to remind anyone who says so that I'm rubber, and he is glue, plus it takes one to know one. So there.

All of those jackasses out there who think that we can have a discussion of serious issues while making snotty remarks about those with opposing opinions should get their money-grubbing hands off of our Treasured Island and relocate their Squirrel-hugging families somewhere else...that is, if they even have families, given that most of them don't have what it takes to keep a partner satisfied, if you know what I mean...but of course, you wouldn't, because I would never be so vulgar and mean-spirited as to bring something like that up in the context of a political commentary.

People also need to clean up their goddamn language these days. I can't understand for the life of me why none of the other major news media are making a fuss about that and the general appalling lack of civility and politeness in this town. Well, I should say that one of the local fish-wraps did mention something about civility in a so-called editorial, but that snot-nosed know-nothing editor got the issue all wrong, and somehow seems to think that people like me are part of the problem! As if I would ever stoop as low as the sniveling New York elites who just want to drag down all of us Jane and Joe Six-Packs who are out there every day busting our humps for Alameda.


Former City Council Candidate

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Shameless Piece of Pro-Transit Propaganda Opens Friday

The stage version of the movie "Meet Me in St. Louis" opens at 8:00 p.m. this Friday at the Contra Costa Civic Theatre, 951 Pomona Avenue (at Moeser), in some town that is most definitely not Alameda. It will run at 8:00 p.m. on Fridays and Saturdays through August 4. Matinees are at 2:00 p.m. on Sundays July 8, 15, 22 and 29.

A good friend of the Alameda Daily Noose's and mine, Former City Council Candidate, assures us that absolutely nobody will attend this unrealistic play, which prominently features a ridiculously biased pro-transit number called "The Trolley Song." This might have worked in 1944, but today's audiences overwhelmingly prefer the convenience and freedom of private-automobile-themed musicals like "Grease." After all, who likes the idea of sharing a crowded streetcar with a bunch of people in their Sunday best, all belting out tunes at the tops of their lungs? It's downright un-American! People would much rather see someone driving alone in a Hummer, listening to Howard Stern on satellite radio. Now that's entertainment!

At any rate, ticket prices are $15.00 to $24.00, money that would be much better spent building more freeways. To complain about this theatrical outrage call 510-524-9132.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

5:04 a.m.: Scoop! of "Miracle Crystals"

Alameda Daily Noose and I were out for a romantic evening on the town when, on a whim, we decided to stop into one of the newfangled, upstart quote-unquote restaurants that have opened up lately. When we arrived at our table we couldn't believe our luck: Once again, we had scooped all of the other major news media with what may be our smallest—and yet most salacious—scoop yet!

This tiny scoop, pictured above, was nestled in a pile of a crystalline substance we had never before encountered in an Alameda eating establishment. When we inquired with our server, he suggested that we use our newfound scoop to place some of the mystery granules on our food. After half a glass of wine we were feeling very adventurous and decided to give it a go. Sweet Mother of Chuck Corica, were our taste buds in for a treat! It was almost as if the food had . . . what was that word we read in one of those fancy elitist gourmet magazines we sometimes see at the dentist's office? Oh yes, I believe it was "flavor"!

Now that we got the scoop of these "Miracle Crystals," Alameda Daily Noose and I are going to start experimenting with it at other eating establishments. We're normally opposed to change of any kind, but we might just have to make an exception in this one case!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland Sets the Record Straight on So-Called Mayor's Legacy


I am OUTRAGED that some half-witted Alamedans have been giving our mayor credit for single-handedly tearing down Alameda's own Berlin Wall that separated the Post Office from the rest of South Shore Center. Sure, she may have uttered those now-famous words, "This wall must come down!" However, if the Post Office was already in rapid decline, rather than in the ascendency that she believed, then the massive masonry build-up at South Shore Center in the 1960s was not decisive; it was excessive. The terrible pedestrian bloodshed in the road leading to the Post Office was not some necessary evil; it was a war crime aided and abetted by the mayor's administration!

The credit belongs to the many ordinary citizens who ended the government blockade of the shopping center parking lot with their own hands, demolishing that soulless wall by any means available to us. I have a chunk of that wall displayed on my mantelpiece, complete with a fragment of revolutionary grafitti, as a reminder of the time when Alamedans could not walk freely from grocery store to mail slot.

I realize that it's tempting to give the mayor credit just because something she worked on appears to have turned out OK, but right-thinking Alamedans know better than to satisfy themselves with this easy solution. After all, we FEEL that the mayor must be wrong, and so it's just a simple matter of figuring out why!

Donald Kirkland

Monday, June 25, 2007

WILL Sign Save Us?


I wrote to you back in May about our new signs that say "KEEP MEASURE ACORN! LOW TREE DENSITY = LESS SQUIRREL TRAFFIC" (unfortunately it wouldn't all fit on the sign, so we had to leave some bits off, but everybody knows what we mean.) Those brave folks with our signs in their yards are fighting the good fight, but I have seen shocking evidence that signs alone may not be enough! The signs seemed to work for a while, but now I think those beady-eyed little rodents are starting to find ways around them.

I recently snapped this picture of a Squirrel in my neighborhood rearing up on his hind legs - - in FULL VIEW of one of our "Measure Acorn" signs! It was clearly defying both me and the sign. You can see from the stealy glint in it's eye that this Squirrel intends to rob us of our quality of life. It held it's ground for several minutes, until I shouted at it to go to some other City if it wanted to live where there are plenty of trees. The encounter left me shaking. I'm glad there were no Children present.

Clearly, concerned Alamedans must do more to preserve our low-Squirrel density community from bushy-tailed varmints and the tree-huggers who love them. If any of your readers own chain saws or sturdy axes, I urge them to contact me. The time has come for more drastic action!

Janice Lighter-Merv

Friday, June 22, 2007

Inspiration from Beyond . . . the Estuary?

Alameda Daily Noose and I are reluctant to acknowledge that there is anything worth covering, to say nothing of emulating, outside of Alameda. However, we recently took a wrong turn and found ourselves in the Lake Something-or-Other neighborhood of That City on the Other Side of the Estuary from Alameda. In our rush to get back to the welcoming arms of our island home, we almost missed this inspiring message. It warmed our hearts to see that the Spirit of Alameda is alive and well throughout the world. Wherever there's a slick-talking elected official or bureaucratese-babbling city staffer peddling nonsense about "IMPROVING OUR COMMUNITY," a right-thinking citizen will be there to speak crankiness to power: "You, Sir, and your so-called expert friends can take your dog-and-pony show about the supposed rehabilitation of our quote-unquote sanitary sewers and flush it down where the sun don't shine! In a word, NO!"

Thursday, June 21, 2007

8:48 a.m.: Glinda Wright Concerned About Exploding Squirrels at Countrie Peripherie

WATCH OUT ALAMEDA! A convoy of 20 foot-wide tanker trucks filled with fuel will soon be coming down residential streets and into the Countrie Peripherie shopping center. Piggly Wiggly refuses to tell us how many – which means it must be a lot or they would have answered the question when asked the other night at the City Council Meeting.

The neat trick is that the truck driver will have to have precision accuracy to make the necessary 3 left hand turns onto the 22 foot roads to fill up the tanks for Piggly Wiggly. That will be a sight to see!. This means the driver of one of those 20 foot-wide tractor-trailer trucks has a 1 foot clearance on either side during the turns. According to the spiffy ruler I showed off at the Council Meeting, that's anywhere from two thirds to one half the length of -- you guessed it - a CALIFORNIA GREY SQUIRREL!

Piggly Wiggly better hope they have some really good drivers - - oh, I forgot, if I recall, they said they sub-contract out the driving – so who knows what the experience level is for whatever discount fuel hauling company they use - let's hope it is not the same level as the company that was involved in the 580 melt-down.. And to make it more interesting, one of the turns could be right next to the proposed 3 level parking deck – also filled with cars, filled with fuel, next to the new sidewalk filled with pedestrians, some of which might well be Scotsmen playing distracting melodies on bagpipes! We will soon find out – probably the hard way when the truck is making the turn and a SUICIDE SQUIRREL gets into that crucial one foot gap and it explodes.

Of course, Piggly Wiggly says it is all fine – because the “software says so”. Anyone with software experience knows if you put Squirrely numbers in you’ll get Squirrely numbers out. Time will tell just how accurate this piece of software was.

Glinda Wright

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

When will the City of Alameda disclose the full extent of its thievery?

Our crack team of investigative journalists turned up this shocking piece of photographic evidence of widespread corruption in Alameda's city government. Amazingly enough, this piece of City property, a sawhorse of some type, was brazenly placed in full view of the public at a recent street fair. Normally Alameda Daily Noose and I would have to dismiss this out of hand due to the apparent spelling error; however, since we agree wholeheartedly with the message, we are prepared to overlook it, just this once.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Alameda shuffles slowly toward "gathering place" plan


Thank you so much for your continuing coverage of the super-mega-monster-Plex project that Everyone hates. Now that Unaction Alameda has revealed that the new Parking Garage will be made largely of green Cheese and stale Twinkies, it is only a matter of time before ravenous Squirrels and overly frugal Scotsmen in search of a Free meal devour the structural supports and send the whole Thing tumbling down. Fortunately for us Right-thinking Alamedans, this cloud has a silver Lining!

What this town really needs is a Gathering Place. The rubble of the super-Mega-monster-plex project that everyone Hates could be seeded and turned into a lovely meadow. It would be a great place for folks to Gather, perhaps at Night, or at Dawn, or maybe even in the Day. It would be a great place to Wander aimlessly, and who knows, maybe even find a tasty Bite to eat.

This will be a Great chance to turn a Dead space into a Living place. It's a no-Brainer!

Glinda Costman

Monday, June 18, 2007

Paper nobody reads offers cautionary tale for Alameda


I opened up this Sunday's San Francisco Chronicle, and I just had to share what I saw with the readers of your noosepaper, the circulation of which I'm sure is a hundred times larger than that of the so-called Chronicle. (I know you must have had some technical problems over the weekend, because it's not possible that the quote-unquote Chronicle scooped you on this story.)

Anyway, this Sunday's shocking exposé documented the sub-human conditions that have resulted from an overpopulation of Scotsmen in San Francisco. The overcrowding is so severe that it has forced elderly Scotsmen to practice their bagpipes in the dank, haggis-infested cellars of local businesses!

These horrible scenes, many of which stretch the boundaries of what is printable in a family noosepaper, take place every day on what most people agree is a peninsula. Alameda, on the other hand, is an island! Can you imagine what the situation would be with our limited ingress and egress of Scotsmen? I'll spare you the gory details, but let's just say it involves bumper-to-bumper bagpipes backed up all the way to Buena Vista. Think of The Children!

San Francisco doesn't have Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus," and look what a God-forsaken Hell-hole it has become. Everybody needs to remember that Alameda is not San Francisco. Keep "Measure Angus"!

Jack Delinger

Friday, June 15, 2007

5:02 a.m.: "Measure Angus" Sub-committee Hunting for Speakers

The last forum on Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus," held in 1898, was a lively event well-attended by the townspeople. Although fiery and sometimes pointed arguments were made, in the end, everyone joined hands to tar and feather the quote-unquote facilitator and shove him onto the next streetcar headed for Berkeley. The tintype above is the only official record of the meeting. Although the image pretty much tells the whole fair and balanced story, a vocal minority of uppity newcomers have had the gall to claim that we need yet another forum on "Measure Angus," so the same old issues can be rehashed one more time.

To that end, the "Measure Angus" sub-committee is soliciting public suggestions for speakers to present, at a public forum on "Measure Angus," the facts, benefits and limitations of "Measure Angus," in the context of bagpipe "music" and the Scottish Housing Element. Please submit the suggested speaker’s name, kilt size, contact information, interests, so-called experience, quote-unquote qualifications, proof of medical insurance, and name of next of kin, in writing, by Friday, June 29, 2007 to: Aithbhreac Auchmuty, Haggis and Kilts Director, City of Alameda, Haggis & Kilts Dept., 2263, Santa Clara Avenue, Room 390, Alameda, CA 94501-4477 OR e-mail:

The sub-committee will review the suggestions and select potential speakers at its next committee meeting, which has yet to be scheduled. The sub-committee will present its final recommendations for the forum to the Haggis Board in a public hearing that provides opportunity for community input. Notice of the Haggis Board hearing will be given when the date is set.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Squirrel/Bicycle Accident


Yesterday, I came across this accident at the corner of Lincoln Avenue and Sherman Street. Around 3:00 p.m., a Squirrel traveling southbound on Sherman collided with a youngster's bike traveling north bound on Sherman, just south of Lincoln. Alameda police said the Squirrel's brazen attempt to murder a child was thwarted and nobody was seriously injured. But the hapless bicyclist's knee was severely skinned. (See photo)

Well, there you have it, the blood of a child, just like I warned you...but would you listen? No! I hope you're happy, all of you Squirrel-coddlers out there!

Dave Williamson

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Dave Williamson tears Roy Avery a rhetorical new one


There he goes again. Roy Avery tries to play sweet and innocent, claiming that he only wants a "wee" modification to Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus," just for Alameda Point. Well, that is just the camel's nose under the kilt! Make one "wee" exception and pretty soon every Scotsman in Alameda will be asking for his own peat bog, and taking it all the way the Supreme Court!

Furthermore, I just snapped a picture that proves that so-called Tartan-oriented development is nothing but a pipe dream...a bagpipe dream, that is! Sure, Roy Avery would have us believe that Scotsmen are going to leave their bagpipes at home and take public transit, but he neglects to mention that only 30% of Scotsmen will ever take quote-unquote transit. That means 70% will drive their cars, and, as my photo clearly shows, they will all demand special bagpiper parking places! And I don't even have to tell you what kind of horrible effect a drive-by piping can have on The Children.

You know what? I would not be surprised at all if the white car in the photo belonged to none other than Roy Avery! Yes, he claims to be a big so-called transit advocate, but then he puts his bagpipes in the trunk of his automobile, which I'm 100% certain he drives to work every day! You don't see him trying to fit those bagpipes into the basket of his bicycle, do you? Roy Avery is just like all of the other people who are out to destroy "Measure Angus." What a bunch of hypocrites!

Oh, and did I mention that Alameda is an island? Study after study, including an extensive survey conducted by the prestigious Royal Board of Ordnance, has shown that Scotland is most certainly not an island. That means quote-unquote Tartan-oriented can never work here. I rest my case.

Dave Williamson

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Traitor Roy Avery wants to destroy Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus"!


I must say, I was taken aback by Mr. Kirkland's violent overreaction to my modest peat bog proposal. Mr. Kirkland may long for auld lang syne, before Scotsmen ever found their way to Alameda's bonnie shores, but all of his wishing won't change the Association of Bay Area Governments' Projected Immigrant Population Estimate, or ABAGPIPE. According to ABAGPIPE, Alameda must accommodate its fair share of approximately 3,979 additional Scotsmen by 2025.

Sadly, Alameda's record so far is abysmal: It has only managed to house 27% of its fair share of Scotsmen from 1995 to 2005, earning it a grade of "F" from the Bay Area Scottish Council. Some have argued that Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus" is largely to blame.

Many things have changed since "Measure Angus" was passed in 1893. I won't deny that bagpipes are still a concern, but recent innovations in the new field of Tartan-oriented development (TOD) allow the clustering of Scotsmen around so-called Tartan nodes, where a colorful interweaving of different land uses and transportation options allows Scotsmen to board convenient public transport vehicles instead of striding endlessly around the bogs, playing their bagpipes. Here are some photographs that illustrate the exciting TOD concept in action:

These quiet, modern ferries and trains whisk the Scotsmen to their destinations in air-conditioned, sound-insulated comfort. Study after study has shown that Scotsmen living in Tartan-oriented developments own fewer bagpipes per household and play them less often than those living on the sparsely populated heaths commonly known as "Scottish sprawl."

Just a wee modification to "Measure Angus," geographically limited to the peat-friendly area of Alameda Point, would allow for the kind of Tartan-oriented development that will enable Alameda to accommodate its ABAGPIPE fair share of Scotsmen in a way that enriches the whole community while minimizing the perceived impact of bagpiping.

Roy Avery

Monday, June 11, 2007

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland expresses outrage at Roy Avery's outrageous suggestion


I realize that far-reaching conspiracy theories are a stock argument for any right-thinking Alamedan, but this time it's different because this time it's real!

Roy Avery paints a lovely picture of Alameda Point as a giant peat bog, but he conveniently leaves out one crucial fact. Wherever there's peat, there's whisky, wherever there's whisky, there are Scotsmen, and wherever there are Scotsmen, there are...

bagpipes! Yes, bagpipes, the very reason that Alamedans passed Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus" way back in 1893, when wave after wave of Scottish immigrants threatened to drown out the peaceful sounds of factories, railroad locomotives, and steamships with the din of their Devil-pipes. As the disturbing photograph above shows, the most horrible thing about bagpipes is their effect on The Children, who are clearly shocked and screaming in terror.

Ironically, many newcomers to Alameda have never even heard of "Measure Angus," despite the fact that it is the only thing that protects the small-town peace and quiet that drew them here in the first place. Unless they want to find themselves up to their aching ears in bagpipes, they had better wise up and join me in tossing Roy Avery out of town on a caber!

Fight for "Measure Angus." Attend meetings. Object to everything at every opportunity. Don't wait for an election.

The Scotsmen are in constant contact with our elected and appointed officials. They have relationships with city staff. Resistance must be constant.

Keep "Measure Angus."

Donald Kirkland

Friday, June 8, 2007

Roy Avery has soggy suggestion for Alameda


Mr. Geddoff makes some excellent points, but the word "bogged" in his letter has gotten me thinking. Why not turn Alameda Point into a giant peat bog? Easy access to peat would be a great benefit to the whiskey distillery out there, and burning peat for fuel could be the energy alternative we've all been looking for. Apart from the existing buildings, we could turn the whole piece of land into a haven for deer, snipe, and mire pill beetles. Who could ask for better neighbors than those? Add a bit of heather around the edges, and Alameda Point would look quite pretty. Ah, I can just imagine the red sun sinking behind a ruined hangar, while an unwise out-of-town traveler sinks into the bog. Let’s bring back Alameda's lost swampland, only bigger and peatier than before!

Roy Avery

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Lon Geddoff has valuable lesson for Alameda


Why can't our Council see that every "plan" they come up with for development at the old base is just going to get bogged down in impossible to understand financial problems and pollution and traffic, or scrapped because of some stupid endangered varmints? Plans are just like dreams: useless. I had a dream once to make a lot of money, but you know what? My plan didn't work! I learned an important lesson: We need to stop dreaming and making plans and just let everything be. If Alameda is good enough for me, it must be good enough for anyone else who matters.

Lon Geddoff

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Now Jean Kerkwilligers KNOWS what the big deal is!

Dear Roger,

FINALLY I understand what the big deal is! Writing to the Daily Noose yesterday is the best thing I've ever done. It has completely changed my life. Just five minutes after my letter appeared in your paper I heard the most awful "chop chop chop" sound out in the back yard. The plants in my garden were blowing around like crazy! I went out there and I saw not one but TWO news helicopters hovering over my house, trying to get a close-up! Unfortunately I was still in my curlers and bathrobe, so I hope they'll be back tomorrow for a better shot.

Of course, the very next thing I did was to head downtown to get my nails done. I have to look great the next time those reporters show up! Anyway, the ladies at the nail salon were absolutely abuzz! One of the younger ones fainted when I walked in. They were flitting around me like butterflies, asking if I knew Rog, asking what it felt like to see my letter featured ABOVE THE FOLD as the TOP STORY in a soon-to-be-award-winning daily was almost too much! And they gave me a free pedicure to boot!

Next I stopped in at that hippie grocery store to pick up some of those great dried prunes you wrote about. As soon as the nice young tattooed girl at the cash register saw my name on the check, she started acting as if she had seen that Elvis Presley fellow. "Oh my GOD, it's JEAN KERKWILLIGERS! I can't tell you how much I LOVED your letter!" She called some of her hippie friends over and I had to sign various different parts of their bodies. They said they wanted to have my signature made into a tattoo...can you imagine that? And they absolutely REFUSED to accept my check for the groceries. "For you, Mrs. Kerkwilligers, it's on the house."

The only down side is that people are constantly asking me if I've met THE famous Roger Grumbel, and is he really as handsome in person as he is on TV, and is he really as intelligent as his editorial comments make him seem, and I just hate to disappoint them by saying I don't know! Please, Roger, now that you've changed my life by printing my letter, won't you join me for tea at your earliest convenience? Please don't print the time and place in your paper, though, because I don't want those darned helicopters messing up my hair!

Finally "in the know" in Alameda,

Jean Kerkwilligers

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Jean Kirkwilligers asks what the big deal is


I've been reading your site for years now and this is the first time I've written in.

I am really curious what the big deal is.


Jean Kerkwilligers

Monday, June 4, 2007

Alameda Museum is the perfect Cultural Entity


There's been a lot of talk about the terrible things going on in Alameda. We have Arts center's opening that are expecting to bring people to them, shopping centers that will increase shoppers, and now, open discussions about Measure A. How did it come to this?

Anyone who moves to Alameda should be required to study and visit the Alameda Museum. Nothing says Alameda more than this venerable institution. It is culture at it's highest and is a beacon to wonderful days of yore. And as all good institutions should be, it generates almost no traffic because almost nobody visits it. We get the best of both worlds! We can talk about the cultural spaces that we have and have them make no impact on the community.

Add to that the museum's focus on Measure A. They sponsor all the right speakers so that Alamedans can rightly understand our great island town, heck they even have the official Chuch Corica memorial, who wouldn't want to know that they could visit an actual replica of the barbershop where Mayor Corica worked, if they actually decided they wanted to visit the museum? The Museum is the only place in the city where one can see where the backroom deals of city government actually took place before California's sunshine laws kicked in---I don't count the back room of Ole's because they attract customers, and customers mean traffic.

Our current council should be looking at Alameda Museum as the perfect institution to be subsidizing, enough with these other ridiculous cultural projects.

Dolores Hepherhumper

Friday, June 1, 2007

I — I Mean, We — Told You So!

In our continuing duty to let you know how terrible the super-mega-monster-plex project that everyone hates is, we felt we needed to write in with a big I told you so. We warned you that the city was skimping on the details and now we have proof!

The big spanking shiny new parking structure is going to have wooden floors! As seen in this photo that we we took while walking around the neighborhood, you can clearly see that the second floor of the parking garage is made of wood.

How hypocritical of the city council to continue assuring actual citizens of Alameda that the planned work would be of the highest quality. How many cars are going to be able to park on each floor? Two? Three? And doesn't anyone remember the Great Chicago Fire, in which the entire city burned because it was made of wood? Or was that San Francisco after the Big One? I'm fairly sure a cow — or was it a Squirrel? — was involved . . . we confuse these things all the time. Anyway, my photo proves what I — I mean, we — have said all the time . . . this project is a disaster!