Monday, June 11, 2007

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland expresses outrage at Roy Avery's outrageous suggestion


I realize that far-reaching conspiracy theories are a stock argument for any right-thinking Alamedan, but this time it's different because this time it's real!

Roy Avery paints a lovely picture of Alameda Point as a giant peat bog, but he conveniently leaves out one crucial fact. Wherever there's peat, there's whisky, wherever there's whisky, there are Scotsmen, and wherever there are Scotsmen, there are...

bagpipes! Yes, bagpipes, the very reason that Alamedans passed Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus" way back in 1893, when wave after wave of Scottish immigrants threatened to drown out the peaceful sounds of factories, railroad locomotives, and steamships with the din of their Devil-pipes. As the disturbing photograph above shows, the most horrible thing about bagpipes is their effect on The Children, who are clearly shocked and screaming in terror.

Ironically, many newcomers to Alameda have never even heard of "Measure Angus," despite the fact that it is the only thing that protects the small-town peace and quiet that drew them here in the first place. Unless they want to find themselves up to their aching ears in bagpipes, they had better wise up and join me in tossing Roy Avery out of town on a caber!

Fight for "Measure Angus." Attend meetings. Object to everything at every opportunity. Don't wait for an election.

The Scotsmen are in constant contact with our elected and appointed officials. They have relationships with city staff. Resistance must be constant.

Keep "Measure Angus."

Donald Kirkland

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