Friday, February 26, 2010

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Hats Off to Our Green Heroes!

We all know people in our community who deserve a medal for their tireless work to save the environment, but did you know that those green heroes can now receive an actual military honor? From what I've heard, it requires intense training, but those who successfully complete the course are awarded a Green Beret, and are qualified to take part in special operations. I can only assume that those special operations include challenging missions like cleaning oiled waterfowl, rescuing baby harp seals, and battling Spartina with some sort of amphibious combat gear. The wearing of the Green Beret must signify an ability to do all of this while also enjoying a dizzying variety of wines and cheeses, and being able to produce nasal vowel sounds that the rest of us only dream of. Oh, and I hear that their green pick-up lines are simply irresistible!

I hope I'm right about all this, because it's exciting to think that even with the difficult wars going on right now, our country cares enough about the future of our planet to assign green warriors to protect it. I mean, the U.S. Army has long been one of the greenest on the planet, but those olive drab uniforms can't really compete with the vibrant green of a Green Beret. We are taking environmentalism to a whole new level. So look out, evil polluters and careless consumers; the Special Forces will soon have you whipped into clean, green shape!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Commonsense Legislation Could Have Prevented Latest Shooting Incident

Judging from a recent police report, and from authoritative rumors making the rounds, yeast-related crime is on the rise in Alameda:

Tuesday, February 16

DOUGHNUT DISPUTE: Police said a customer at a Central Avenue doughnut joint smashed a glass sugar bowl after he became angry when some spare custard erupted from the tasty cake. Police said that at 7:05 a.m. today, the suspect became hostile with a worker at the doughnut shop after custard shot out of the top of his doughnut. The pair argued, police said, and the suspect tried to push over a glass display case filled with doughnuts. The suspect then smashed a glass sugar container on the floor of the shop and left. The container was valued at two dollars.

This ugly custard shooting incident underlines the inherent danger of allowing these kind of pastries in our community. Clearly, there would be less anger, and less property damage, if the City of Alameda would simply ban all doughnuts. Yet, when faced with blatant doughnut controversies, our elected officials seem to just glaze over. We can't count on them to fight against the unholy alliance between big Pastry and Big Cream, even when that cream is literally shooting out of doughnuts.

What will it take to wake up Alamedans to the doughnut threat - the blood of a child? Call us old-fashioned, but we think children and life are important.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

You've Got to Admit, We're Getting Better

Mr. Williamson:

Why don't you ever write about the Alameda music scene the way Roger did? You haven't mentioned Alameda's own "Ja, und das ist Polka!" band even once since you took over the Daily Noose. There could be a scandal going on right now at the ACLO, and I wouldn't even know about it from reading your Alameda Daily Noose. I don't know if you have what it takes to run a noosepaper. Roger did it better.

Jim Crowley

[Editor note - What Mr. Crowley fails to realize is that there is objective analysis showing that the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose is just as good as the ordinary Daily Noose ever was, if not better. A brave commenter on this very site just recently pointed out what a good job we do of covering the most important events in Alameda:

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now. Keep it up!

Unlike the anonymous cyber-bullies who viciously attacked our outstanding coverage of Zeppelins, this hero has chosen to remain anonymous in order to protect himself and his income from Mr. Crowley and his ilk. Freed from fear of retribution from the "powerful people" that dominate the so-called Alameda music scene and Roger Grumbel fan club, he was finally able to tell the truth: the new Action Alameda Alameda Daily Noose by Action Alameda is more creative, more original - in short, more better - than the old Alameda Daily Noose ever was.]

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Miss Grumpy Alameda Shoots for the Stars, and Sometimes Wounds Them

The newly chosen Miss Grumpy Alameda will soon be heading off to her next hurdle in the competitive world of grump contests, the Miss Grumpy California pageant. In past years, the California title has gone to paragons of grump from other cities, but Alameda's chosen grump could really be a contender this year! We have a good feeling about her chances, and we're not saying that just because we're paid to. Although it's true that we are being paid to promote Miss Grumpy Alameda, we also happen to think that her bid for the Grump trophy is the biggest news of the day, and we would be publishing it even if we weren't being paid.

We wish we could say the same of those other "newspapers" in town. Not a single one of them has even whispered about this earth-shaking development in our community. It's gotten to the point where we are wondering whether we should suggest that we would bribe them to give Miss Grumpy more press exposure, but of course no reputable journalist would ever stoop to offering bribes, even if the undoubtedly corrupt editors of his rival publications would be sure to accept those bribes. So, for the record, we are "not" offering to bribe anyone, and will continue to singlehandedly promote Miss Grumpy Alameda while also being forced to provide the only independent, unbiased coverage of her progress toward her admirable goal.

So far, Miss Grumpy Alameda has successfully submitted her profile and head shots along with the other paperwork required for application to the Miss Grumpy California contest. As stated in her application, Miss Grumpy Alameda's hobbies are whining, complaining, marathon rants, baking cookies, and belittling celebrities. Once, when a film crew showed up in her neighborhood to use the street as a location, Miss Grumpy greeted them and their so-called permit with a loaded shotgun. To this day, she prides herself on having grazed the scalp of a major motion picture star.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Anonymous Cowards Clearly Don't Know Much about Latest Developments in Zeppelins

We here at the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose by Inaction Alameda understand that some people - let us call them "people who agree with us" for short - wish to divorce their local political activities from their professional life, for the sake of preserving their income, and still others - known for the sake of brevity as "people who don't agree with us" - are just plain cowards or cyber-bullies that won't put their name behind what they say, and it makes them feel strong to hurl anonymous epithets at others online.

That is why we will defend to our heroic deaths the right of people who agree with us to post anonymous comments, and that is why we will stop at nothing to expose and condemn the cowardly anonymous cyber-bullying perpetrated by people who don't agree with us.

It didn't take long for these bottom-feeders who don't agree with us to crawl up from the ooze where they reside and sully our comment section with their vile dreck. Just listen to what one of them had to say about our story about the new BART station in Alameda:
Notice how the new Park St. BART station already has signs for the so-called Air-Train? Only a week after federal grants were pulled from the Oakland Airport to Coliseum BART John Knocks Whyte and the evil forces of Big Helium got the exclusive contract to fly people aboard "Air-Trains" from the new Park St. station. These so-called "Air-Trains" are just a euphemism for those dangerous Zeppelins. I'm sure Roger Grumble would not have left a hole in a story so big, you could drive a truck through it. Roger Grumble even covered the dangerous Zeppelin mast built atop the Giant Parking Garage That Everyone Hates.

I must say that the level of integrity and intellectual curiousity of the Alameda Daily Noose has declined markedly under the editorship of Dave Williamson and his legion of InAction Alameda members.
This coward immediately loses all credibility by spelling Roger Grumbel's name wrong, then goes on to misspell "curiosity" and write "Inaction Alameda" with incorrect capitalization. There is a Zen proverb, "The way a man does one thing is the way he does everything." For those of you who don't understand the finer points of Eastern philosophy the way we do, that means that if someone who doesn't agree with us makes even one mistake when writing something, then everything he ever writes is always wrong.

Sensing what appeared to be an opportunity, a second anonymous cyber-bully piled on with this tirade:
Yes, this is OUTRAGEOUS!!!! Where is Roger Grumbel to stop these marauding Airships?

We ALREADY had blimp traffic jams on our roads before the greedy interests of Big Helium began blocking out our sun, light and air with these monstrous behemoths.
Obviously, these two cowards haven't read Inaction Alameda's ground-breaking whitepaper, "Inflated Promises: Exposing the Rising Zeppelin Threat to Alameda." This whitepaper is the culmination of minutes upon minutes of scholarly research, including multiple citations from multiple issues of Scientific Alamedan. It goes without saying that this is an internationally respected peer-reviewed scientific journal; after all, it has the word "scientific" right there in the title.

The most recent Scientific Alamedan article cited in our whitepaper covers the whole "Air Train" issue in great detail. It is dated December 4 of '09, a mere two months ago. On the other hand, the last Zeppelin story published by Roger "Grumble," the supposed hero of these anonymous cyber-cowards, was July 7 of '09, which was seven months ago, and it didn't even mention the Air Train. Clearly, these anonymous cowards don't know much about the latest developments in Zeppelins. They would be wise to keep their mouths shut and read our whitepaper, that is - if they can read without moving their lips.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Recycling Your Valentine

If you're like me, you have trouble remembering that cut flowers need to have some water added to their vases even after Valentine's Day. I don't know how many times I've forgotten to water and ended up with roses that are all dry and droopy.

You might think that the only thing to do with those flowers now is to toss them in your gray bin and send them to the landfill, but wait! I have a great tip for recycling them into something that you can use every day. Simply remove the dried leaves and petals from your flowers, then take an old slip, coat the front of it with heavy-duty epoxy, and apply the flower parts to create an attractive sundress. Allow to dry according to the epoxy directions, and then decorate the back of the slip. Once both sides are dry, brush the surface with an additional layer of epoxy to ensure that your dead flowers will keep blooming for years.

Now, if you didn't get any flowers for Valentine's Day, don't feel left out. Just about anyone can find something to recycle after the holiday, whether that means candy-wrapper crafts projects or heart-shaped lampshades. In fact, you can even recycle a threadbare relationship. I recently came across a song on that subject, and it reminded me of a certain young recycling truck driver I once dated.

Needless to say, it didn't work out, but boy did he know how to sort plastics! I thought you might like to share this song with me, and if you want, you can share any fond memories it brings up about love, or recycling, or both, and send them to me in care of:

Who knows? Your green musings might even find it into a future column!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Book Selection - Helping Kids Get Grumpy

[Editor Note: This is a special book feature exclusive to the Alameda Daily Noose. We know you would rather be watching television, as all Right-thinking Alamedans do, but it may be worth your time to fetch one or more of these books to read to your children and grandchildren. Be sure to shop locally, at bookstores like, Barnes and Noble, and Borders!]
Are you troubled by the perpetually sunny, singing child or grandchild in your life? A great way to communicate with youngsters is to read them a colorful, picture-filled book, especially one with animal characters. What a better way to teach the youngster in your life how to be grumpy than to give them the gift of a book that they can read (and be read to) over and over again. It's never too early to teach the next generation how to view the glass as half-empty!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

BART Service Comes to Alameda

Yesterday, BART cut the ceremonial ribbon and began sending its famed underground trains into and out of Alameda.

We here at the Alameda Daily Noose have mixed feelings about this. While certainly we are happy to have visitors come to Alameda, from other Right-Thinking parts of the world (if there are any, that is), but we are not too keen on the idea of anybody wanting to actually LEAVE our fair island city.

We call upon the BART board of directors to suspend outbound service from Alameda. This will save about fifty percent of the budget in our troubled economy, so it's a win-win for everybody concerned. We are sure that BART will be inclined to consider this frugal suggestion, since they are actively looking for ways to make up the budget deficit they created to fund the Alameda extension.

In their press release announcing the new station, BART stated that they are considering closing down several older stations, and transferring those maintenance and staffing funds to make up for the construction, maintenance and staffing costs of the new station. Meanwhile, plans for future extensions are already underway.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Once Again, Alameda Daily Noose Editor Forced to Point Out the Obvious to Clueless Reader

Dear Roger,

I notice that Dave Williamson has not listed his email address on the "new" Daily Noose, but I trust you can forward this to the young man.

Thank you,
Imelda Jackson-Perge

Dear Mr. Williamson,

I congratulate you on your new position as Editor of the Alameda Daily Noose. However, as you are a relative newcomer to our community, I fear you have not given the crushing defeat of Measure B and the saving of our Treasured Isle the respect it deserves. I feel that with this pivotal event in our island's history, we have now reached what philosopher Francis Fukuyama once referred to as "the end of history." What better way to celebrate than by leaving the pages of the Noose blank? Only by featuring no content at all can you truly represent the fact that Alameda will now be the same, forever and ever.

Imelda Jackson-Perge

[Editor note - What kind of an idiot would take a soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper with a huge and growing readership and leave it blank indefinitely? That would amount to journalistic suicide! Clearly, Mrs. Perge needs to educate herself about how to handle a major noosepaper rebranding campaign without alienating its loyal reader base.

Speaking of self-education, we had hoped that the old loyal readers of the Alameda Daily Noose would be a little quicker on the uptake, but clearly they lack the technical sophistication demanded by our quantum leap to Noosepaper 3.0. Obviously, if you want to send a letter to the Alameda Daily Noose, you should send it to, not run crying to your old friend Roger Grumbel for help. Fortunately Rog took pity on poor Mrs. Perge this time, but other readers may not be so lucky. Despite the fact that it should be obvious, trivial and left to our readers we have added a new section to our front page - a sort of electronic "masthead" if you will - with instructions for contacting us. We can only hope this redundancy will speed the adjustment of any remaining slow learners out there, bless their quilted and crocheted hearts.]

Monday, February 15, 2010

A Day to Celebrate Our Greatest Heroes

Here in Alameda, schoolchildren are indoctrinated with the propaganda that they should be celebrating presidents today, but we at the Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose by Inaction Alameda argue that it is time to change that. To reflect the true values of our community, the day should be called not "President's Day", but "Resident's Day."

As we all know, presidents are people who try to push their agenda of change on innocent Right-thinking citizens. True Alamedans, on the other hand, understand that everything needs to stay exactly the way it was when our families first became established in this town. Whenever something changes, it has a bad effect on the residents of Alameda, just as we were negatively impacted when George Washington and his gang decided to change the perfectly good system of government that we had under King George.

Since everyone has the day off from work on this day, it is the perfect time to celebrate our rights as residents of Alameda. Just think: Resident's' Day could become a time for Alamedans to peer between the curtains, watching for anyone who might try to park in front of our house. Since the day is a government holiday already, we could be assured that no change is going to be inflicted on us by those in power. That would leave us free to revel in the complete lack of change that can come only from doing nothing.

So, of course, Residents' Day would not be a day for doing humdrum jobs like changing the furnace filter. It works just fine, so why would we ever need to change it? No, changing Presidents Day to Residents Day would be a huge improvement, teaching the next generation the importance of not changing anything.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Your Valentine's Day

It's almost St. Valentine's Day, and we all know what that means: a time to celebrate your love for that special someone by buying things like fresh, long-lasting flowers flown in from around the world, delightful stuffed animals made by peppy teenage girls in Thailand, and affordable boxes of chocolates from China with a taste that has a certain magical je ne sais quoi.

However, those of us in happy relationships need to remember the folks who may be looking for a love of their own this Valentine's Day. Fortunately, finding a Valentine can be just as good for the planet as it is for your love life. Here is a wonderful video just chock-full of fantastic green dating tips:

I don't know about you, but I felt an instant connection and kinship with this woman. She's like the hip, green sister I never had!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Birthplace of Roger Grumbel Made an Historical Monument

Just in time to honor the retirement of Roger Grumbel, founder of the mighty Alameda Daily Noose media empire to which we are the rightful heirs, Mr. Grumbel's birthplace has been enshrined as an historical monument.

We are somewhat disappointed to find that the name "Alameda Daily Noose" is apparently too wide to fit into the commemorative plaque. We are hoping that the City will see it within their hearts (and budget) to re-order a new, slightly wider plaque, that will accommodate the entire name. Surely, it's the least they can do for someone who laid the groundwork for us to single-handledly save our Treasured Island from the horrors of Alamedageddon.

In spite of this technical glitch, we here are beside ourselves with pride and joy for our journalistic forefather to be honored in such a fashion. Don't worry readers, we know that this feeling will pass soon and we will go back to being our usual angry selves. You can take that to the bank!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Political Bumper Stickers All Over Alameda


I have been noticing, and photographing, a number of bumper stickers on the backs of cars as I drive around town. I thought that I would contribute my photographs to give you sense of what is on people's minds — and, by extension, their cars.

As you can see, not all people who drive cars are Right-Thinking Alamedans! While I was proud to find myself behind Ms. "Happiness is being grumpy", I had to resist the urge to rear-end the "I brake for greedy developers" and "Honk if you [heart] Bagpipes" cars.

I was particularly pleased to see a fan of the Alameda Daily Noose, as the last picture shows.

I will keep my eyes out for more bumper stickers and send them in, if you would like.

Warmest Regards,

Len Salchek

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Jean Kerkwilligers Just Doesn't "Get" Noosepaper 3.0

Dear Mr. Williamson:

I am writing to complain about the changes you have made to the Alameda Daily Noose. First of all, the new colors are really hurting my eyes. The bold, bright yellow and stark, manly black of the Alameda Daily Noose always put me in the mood for a good rant, but as I look at these cool shades of blue, I feel a strange sensation. I think it's called "relaxing" and I don't like it!

I also want to complain about all the advertisements. I don't get it, we fought long and hard to have those ugly billboards banished from Alameda streets and now suddenly you're putting them up all over the interwebs! There ought to be a law against it! I was going to write a grumpy letter to my councilman about it, but I look at these darned colors and suddenly I can't be bothered. Please change everything back, preferably now.

You know, I had high hopes for you, young man, but now I'm starting to wonder. Didn't you promise Roger that you weren't going to change anything? I don't understand, and although I'm seething mad, all I want to do is search for videos of kittens playing the piano on the U-tubes. Darn those new colors!

Sincerely yours,
Jean Kerkwilligers

[Editor note - right from the start we worried that some old loyal readers of the old Alameda Daily Noose may not - how do we put this delicately? - "get" the technologically advanced concept of Noosepaper 3.0. We suggest they educate themselves on the latest marketing trends, which they can read about in the all-new vigorous and youthful Inaction Alameda Alameda Daily Noose by Inaction Alameda. If this doesn't do the trick, maybe they should just go back to their needlepoint or taxidermy or whatever it is they do.]

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Dave Williamson to Take Alameda Daily Noose in Exciting New Direction

Dave Williamson, better known to all Right-Thinking Alamedans as the Alameda family man who single-handedly defeated the Evil Developer in the Final Battle of Alamedageddon, otherwise known as the February 2, 2010, special election, plans to bring his vast expertise as a Silicon Valley technologist and entrepreneur to bear in his new role as Editor-in-Chief, Ace Reporter, Pulitzer-Prize-Eligible Photographer, President, Vice-President, Chairman, and Publisher. We here at the Alameda Daily Noose managed to secure an exclusive interview with Mr. Williamson, who spoke with us from his opulent yet tastefully understated Alameda home.

Alameda Daily Noose: Tell us about your plans for the Alameda Daily Noose.

Dave Williamson: Well, we here at the Alameda Daily Noose have big plans for the future. Now, don't get us wrong; Roger Grumbel is a great man, but the Alameda Daily Noose as a brand was growing somewhat stale under his direction. This is understandable, given the way his vision is so narrowly limited by his training in dead-tree journalism. We Silicon Valley technologists understand that today's journalist needs to be intuitively adapted to the agile synergy of the Web 2.0 crowd-sourced ecosystem at higher and higher clock rates. This means leveraging every strategic opportunity to monetize mindshare while incenting brand loyalty.

ADN: Come again?

DW: We're going to put ads on the site.

ADN: Oh, OK. Anything else?

DW: We're planning a massive rebranding campaign to re-launch the Alameda Daily Noose, repositioning it as the premiere example of what everyone is calling "Noosepaper 3.0."

ADN: Don't you mean "Noosepaper 2.0"?

DW: No. We're so advanced, we skipped right over that.

ADN: Wow, "Noosepaper 3.0." That sounds pretty exciting! So, what exactly does this mean in practical terms?

DW: We're changing the colors.

ADN: Anything else?

DW: Did we mention the ads?

ADN: Yes.

DW: Well, let's just say we have a lot more than that up our sleeves.

ADN: Like what?

DW: Oh, look at the time! We're afraid this interview is over. We're so glad we were able to take time out from our busy schedule to give you the opportunity to talk with us.

ADN: Uh…you're welcome.

DW: The pleasure was all yours, we're sure.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Scoop! Roger Grumbel, Alameda Daily Noose Announce Retirement, Introduce Hand-Picked Successor to Head Alameda Daily Noose Media Empire

The crushing defeat of Measure B, colloquially known as "Measure Bagpipe," was a bittersweet victory for the Alameda Daily Noose and me. On one hand, we have helped avert Alamedageddon in the ultimate triumph of Right-Thinking over the Cynical, Hypocritical, Disingenuous, Mendacious, Villainous, Dishonest, and Dishonorable Forces of Darkness that Threatened to Destroy Us All. On the other hand, whither the warrior when all great battles are fought and won? Whither the explorer with no new seas to ply? Whither the hero when all heroic deeds are done? Whither the Alameda Daily Noose and I?

It is therefore with heavy heart and the great humility of which only the Alameda Daily Noose and I are capable that we announce our retirement from the greatest soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper in Alameda…nay, from the greatest publication of any kind in all of Greater Alameda, colloquially known as "the world." Though we will miss living the rough-and-tumble, Devil-may-care life of the News Man in the classic sense, we welcome this opportunity to spend more quality time complaining at length to our family members.

Of course, the abdication of any throne immediately raises the question of succession. Who among men is worthy to inherit the vast Alameda Daily Noose media empire? Fortunately for you, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have given this a great deal of thought, by which we mean, of course, that we had a gut feeling that we subsequently reinforced until we became absolutely convinced of our infallible judgment.

Yes, there is a new kid on the block, a rising star, a breath of fresh air, a new hope that will reinvigorate this grand enterprise: we're talking about the incomparable Dave Williamson, our youthful protégé over at Inaction Alameda News. The Alameda Daily Noose and I have been watching this kid, and believe you us, he's got moxie. He's going places, and he's going to take you with him, whether you like it or not. We have asked, and he has agreed, to succeed us as Editor-in-Chief, Ace Reporter, Pulitzer-Prize-Eligible Photographer, President, Vice-President, Chairman, and Publisher of the Alameda Daily Noose.

Young Mr. Williamson made a solemn vow to remain faithful to the almost impossibly high standards that the Alameda Daily Noose and I have set. In fact, he promised a seamless transition, assuring us that loyal readers would scarcely notice any change whatsoever. The Alameda Daily Noose and I were deeply touched by this, not only because we know that the way we do things is always the best, but also because all Right-Thinking Alamedans agree that changing things is bad. So fear not, loyal readers; you can count on the fact that the Alameda Daily Noose will stay exactly the same as it is today, for ever and ever, amen.

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Become a Compost Connoisseur!

I certainly had a nice vacation, but now it's time to put my chemically sensitive nose back on the all-natural granite grindstone, as it were, digging up the latest green living tips for you and your family. This week I'm featuring an instructional video that contains a lot of fantastic information about composting. I don't usually stay up that late watching television, but this was definitely worth it. I knew that those gummi worms needed time to do their eco-friendly work, but I never was sure how to tell when they are finished. Now I know!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Tired of Monthly Air Raids on Alameda

Dear Roger,

What can be done about these monthly attacks by Terrorists?

Every month, almost like clockwork, Alameda is attacked. This has happened for years now. I hear the air raid sirens go off near my house. (It seems to happen right as I'm getting ready for lunch, near the beginning of the month. Come to think of it, I think it always happens on a Wednesday.) It happened just a few minutes ago, in fact, as I write this from my fallout shelter.

(See the attached picture - I'm very proud of the job I did in building it myself, nearly 40 years ago.)

A few hours after each attack, I carefully emerge from the shelter to check if my house is standing. Fortunately, the terrorists have not yet destroyed my house or my neighborhood, but I feel sorry for the neighborhoods that have been attacked, especially if right-thinking Alamedans live there!

Each week after the attack I check the Alameda Daily Noose, and even other noosepapers if I can find them lying around in the gutter, to learn more about this attack. And yet, there is never any mention of the previous day's attack!

Has this reign of terror become so commonplace that nobody even bothers to report about it any more? Alamedans are dying here, and there is never a mention of this. We should do more to honor our fallen brothers.

When will our Mayor declare war on the terror that is striking us on a monthly basis? Is this yet another reason that we must replace Beverly Johnson with a new mayor, one who will fight Terror with Terror? We must find a foreign country that we can blame for these attacks so we can send our young soldiers away to fight the terror on its home soil.

Ever vigilant,

Xavier Snowleopard Jr.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Whew! That Was a Not-So-Close One!

Well, the results are in, and the outcome couldn't be any less ambiguous. By an astoundingly overwhelming 85% to 15% margin, Alamedans have rejected neighborhood libraries, new schools, jobs, open space, sports fields, bike paths, retail, and more frequent bus service, thereby averting Alamedageddon.

Measure B opposition is not just about a couple of Robots, a few Squirrels, or a Bagpipe or two—it's about Zeppelin traffic and parking in front of people's houses on the island of Alameda, with limited access and no viable plans for future bridges, tubes, or Zeppelin mooring masts.

Ridiculous Buck Rogers concepts like neighborhood libraries, robot maids, new schools, flying cars, jobs, time travel, open space, teleportation, sports fields, force fields, bike paths, faster-than-light-speed travel, retail, more frequent bus service, and vast networks of interconnected computers will do nothing to free us from the plague of Zeppelins and rogue parkers that threatens to destroy us all. In the face of all that scary, scary change, the only Right-Thinking remedy is to do nothing. Therefore, let us never forget the clear message of the defeat of Measure B: "Doing something is bad."

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Shedding New Light on a Very Special Day

According to ancient Alameda folklore, the second day of February is a very special day. If a Right-Thinking Alamedan emerging from the voting booth on this day fails to see his shadow, he will leave the booth, signifying that the old Navy base will soon be developed, thereby ushering in Alamedageddon: the end of Alameda, and also the end of Greater Alameda (otherwise known as "the world"), as we know it. If on the other hand, the Right-Thinking Alamedan sees his shadow, he will supposedly retreat into the voting booth, and the old Navy base will remain undeveloped for six more years.

Of course, this is all a silly superstition, because we all know that everybody will be voting "no" on Measure Bagpipe today, thereby saving Alameda from the ravages of Evil Robots, "Break-Dancing," Squirrels, Bagpipes, and People Parking in Front of Our Houses. Nevertheless, we will go through the empty ritual of casting ballots and running from our shadows, because it is Traditional, which makes it Good. However, just to be on the safe side, members of Inaction Alameda will be setting up huge banks of spotlights just outside the voting booths. These lights will be capable of casting multiple shadows, so with any luck, the old Navy base will stay just the way it is for twelve, eighteen, or possibly even 24 years!

Monday, February 1, 2010

Anti-Voting Inaction Group Has Taken Over Public Signage

This picture was taken from the side window of our roving Noosemobile, out in front of Alameda International Bank. As you can see, the sign has been altered to read "DON'T VOTE" instead of the usual DON'T WALK.

We here at the Alameda Daily Noose are alarmed too find out that not only are there people who are opposed to our opposition to Measure Bagpipe, but there is apparently another group of people who are opposed to voting!

We have done some looking around, and found that this group is called "Inaction Alameda." It consists of a talented electrical engineer, who has been going around the city, altering the city's electronic signage that was originally designed for the admirable purpose of discouraging people from walking.

We hope that the police apprehend the culprit as soon as possible (certainly before Tuesday's election), and return the signs to their usual DON'T WALK message, which we have grown used to seeing 24 hours a day.