Thursday, December 31, 2009

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 28 days, with the most recent shown in green:

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
Corica Have Mercy:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council December 15, 2009

Editor's Comments:

By even agreeing to consider Item 6-B at this meeting, the City Council crossed the line. All Right-Thinking Alamedans know that parking in front of one's own house is one of the unalienable human rights spelled out in Thomas Jefferson's eloquent preamble to the Declaration of Independence, the document that established Alameda as a sovereign state independent from her former colonial overlords across the Estuary. If the Alameda Daily Noose and I want to park an abandoned or unattended vehicle, a beat-up R.V., a leaky old boat, or a few heavy commercial vehicles in front of our own house, that is our God-given right, and none of those Tyrants on the City Council can say otherwise. If Chuck Corica were alive today, he would be spinning in his grave!

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
This Is an Outrage:
Regular Transportation Commission December 23, 2009

Editor's Comments:

As outraged as the Alameda Daily Noose and I were about the nautical propaganda being promulgated by Alameda's Traffic Board, we were pleased to discover that we have not exhausted the font of outrage just yet. This month's five-hour broadcast leads off with a propaganda puff piece touting the hideous parking garage attached to Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, but that was just the beginning. It is followed by a horrifying depiction of a giant tree, glowing with some kind of unearthly energy; after that come scenes of hideous mutant Tree People cavorting on the streets, followed by a stage performance of some bizarre tree ritual, all undoubtedly bankrolled with taxpayer dollars. Somebody needs to rein in this Transit Committee before they and their Big Arborist friends try to shove any more of this pine-scented propaganda down our throats.

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:

Golden AcornGolden Acorn
Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board December 14, 2009

Golden Acorn
Nothing Worth Complaining About:

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Former Alameda Ennui Boardmember Walter Drib Has a New Web Site


Just thought I'd pass a link to you about my blog-like web-site about my life and times on Alameda's Ennui Board, "Eight Years that Shook Alameda." Consider this a work in progress.

Walter Drib

P.S., I have a sneaky suspicion I'm going to write a lot about Squirrels, too (at least during gigantic acorn season).

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

City of Alameda Downplays Holiday Asbestos Risk

By all accounts coming into our Inaction Alameda news desk, our City leaders and the senior officials at the Alameda Fire Department were, and are ill-equipped to properly respond to reports of toxic contamination, such as the one phoned in by the concerned resident who snapped the photo you see here.

Alarmed at a situation unfolding in a neighbor's yard, a terrified resident called the Alameda Fire Department at 7:42 a.m. yesterday to report a veritable blizzard of suspicious white particles swirling around a helpless man, his child and some kind of animal—possibly the family dog—who stood there in their festive holiday garb, frozen, paralyzed with fear. Behind them loomed a figure clad in a white outfit, clearly one of those "hazmat" suit designed for handling hazardous materials, wearing blue plastic gloves and a blue mask, probably a respirator of some kind.

In a press release, and FAQ posted to the City of Alameda website, the City is downplaying the risk to residents from these mysterious white particles, claiming that they are not only "harmless" but also "contained" and therefore "do not pose a health risk."

But what about the person in the hazmat suit? Is he wearing it for fun? And how do they know that the particles are harmless and do not pose a risk? If so, why is that poor animal's nose so severely inflamed, in an obvious sign of respiratory distress?

The City failed to act—they didn't take air samples downwind of the neighbor's lawn, and they didn’t issue a shelter-in-place warning to residents, and they didn't use the emergency notification system to call residents, just because "there was no, repeat, no actual danger at any time." Are they saying that residents aren't smart enough to judge the danger for themselves? Oh, no, the eggheads in the ivory tower, the so-called experts, will decide what's dangerous and what isn't, so you common folks don't worry your pretty little heads about it! How disgustingly patronizing and insulting.

The chief purpose of municipal government is to protect citizens from every danger, real or imagined, and deliver whatever services to them that they desire, but without ever raising taxes, of course. This is only the latest example of how the City of Alameda is failing on all counts.

Dave Williamson
Chief Correspondent
Bureau of Righteous Indignation and Anti-Government Outrage
Inaction Alameda News

Monday, December 28, 2009

Breakin' 2: Alameda Bugaboo


As if excessive tree growth wasn't bad enough, now I see that somebody has put up a new sign on Encinal Avenue, right near that chic new restaurant. It clearly shows somebody doing a "Head-Spin," which apparently is some kind of "Break-Dancing" move I learned about in Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, a sobering documentary about hard-core juvenile delinquents that I saw back in 1984.

I don't think this sort of flagrant "Electric Boogalooing" should be allowed in Alameda, and certainly not openly, in a specially signed "Break-Dancing Zone," with the apparent blessing of the authorities. I knew that the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates would be a bad influence on our youth, but I just didn't count on the fact that it would be a bad influence on the Public Works Department, too.

All of this goes to show that Measure B is Bad. Bagpipes start with B, but so does Break-Dancing. I think we all know what that means.

Brenda Snook

Friday, December 25, 2009

'Tis the Season to Honor Age-Old Traditions, the Alameda Daily Noose, Me

Editor's Comments:

Holidays are a time to enjoy fine old Alameda traditions that warm the hearts of Right-Thinkers everywhere. One such tradition is the one that the Alameda Daily Noose and I started last year, when we first published our sensational story proving the importance of our noosepaper during the holidays, and throughout the year. So, without further ado, here is our encore presentation of that classic, much-loved tale:

Scoop! Of Holiday Terror

Last night, as the Alameda Daily Noose and I were nodding over a stack of back issues, we heard an unusual rustling sound in the hallway. Before our startled eyes, there appeared in the doorway the apparition of a long-departed colleague who went to work for one of those worthless fishwrap "newspapers" (not that we are bitter). She was clothed in a smock made of yellowed tear sheets, and weighted down with copies of the AP Style Manual and other journalistic tomes.

"Rog," the phantom intoned, "Wherefore dost thou sit on thy tuchus when the city hungers for Noose?" With this, she waved a sheaf of papers before her, and the stack of back issues of the Noose rose in the air, enveloping us in a cloud of computer print-outs. When the pages settled, we beheld a vision of Nooses past. Lon Gedoff and Brenda Karl were there, complaining loudly. Dave Williamson had cornered Brenda Snook, and was convincing her that her tax money was being misspent. Such a charming scene had scarce presented itself to us these many years, and the Alameda Daily Noose and I were touched by the Spirit of Grump.

Then, the vision dissolved, only to be replaced by a scene of the present. Right-thinking Alamedans were rising from their beds, rushing to their computers, and searching for the latest edition of the Alameda Daily Noose. Imagine their surprise when no new Noose met their eager gaze. We could see the disappointment in their eyes, soon replaced by a curious indifference that chilled the Alameda Daily Noose and me to the bone.

Once more, the paper-clad phantom waved her hand, and the figures before us fled, to be replaced by a sobering street scene. Music was playing, there were people everywhere, new shops attracted curious shoppers, and strangers waved to strangers merrily parking in front of each other's houses. No-one read grumpy letters to the editor, much less wrote them. In other words, it was a nightmare world the likes of which infects the most unwholesome sleep of the Alameda Daily Noose and me. Nowhere was there grumpiness to be found. The art of complaining was clearly lost, as people on the street greeted one another with compliments and observations of the fine weather.

"Oh, spirit," we cried to the one draped in ad copy, "is this vision what will be, or only what may be?" Her only answer was to hand us a fresh quill pen, dripping ink.

We awoke with a start, and a rush of relief. Then, looking down, we beheld that same quill pen, still wet with ink. What good this would be to an internet Noosepaper, we have no idea, but casting the apparently symbolic quill aside, we rushed to the computer and began to scribe the edition of the Alameda Daily Noose that you see before you now.

Grumpy Christmas, Alameda, and Chuck Corica bless us, every one!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

The Perfect Last-Minute Christmas Gift

Dear Roger,

I would like to bring your attention to a wonderful item that would surely make a delightful Christmas gift for any proud Alamedan:

This beauty serves two functions: helping rid us of our pesky Squirrel problem, while providing a useful decanter for our Old Crow or Wild Turkey. Wouldn't the sweet nectar of Kentucky bourbon taste even better when poured from the neck of a Squirrel? I plan to buy these for everyone on my list.

Blackie Gerber

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Excessive Tree Growth Becoming a Reality in Alameda


You were right with all your warnings about the possibility of excessive tree growth in Alameda. Lately, I've noticed them sprouting in all kinds of crazy places, including inside stores! I first noticed this problem on Webster Street, but the other day I saw not one, but two trees growing right in a display window on Park Street. I took a photo of it, so I hope the police will give the store owner a warning about the danger of attracting Squirrels.

That's the kind of thing that might be tolerated in those cities that are named after trees, like Oakland and Pacific Grove, but that's not Alameda.

Brenda Snook

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

No, No, No! Angry Christmas!


Here in Alameda, we can't really celebrate a holiday of any kind without a healthy dose of negativity. Every year, we look forward to the parade of protesting Santas. It doesn't matter much what they are protesting, as long as they are firmly against it. The true spirit of the season lies in just saying, "NO, NO, NO!"

Angrily yours,
Charles Thurston III

Monday, December 21, 2009

Suspect Apprehended for Loitering by Alameda's Beach

The above photo shows a suspicious character found loitering on a shoreline park bench by Alameda police officers. The suspect was uncooperative, refusing to answer questions, and had to be removed by force. Police at first believed that the suspect might have been fishing without a license, but the fish in evidence later proved to be merely cottony fluff wrapped in shiny acrylic. At least, the Alameda Daily Noose and I assume this is what happened after we placed the call to police about the suspicious character. We weren't about to risk our lives by hanging around to find out.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Your Holiday Feast

I just love all of the festive meals of the holiday season. When the whole family gathers around the table instead of just grabbing our organic pizza pockets on the go, it makes me feel glad that I can leave a better planet for my children. That's why, at this time of year, I'm usually busy in the kitchen, preparing my special soybean casserole while my husband puts the finishing touches on a big pitcher of eggnog. This year, however, I've started thinking more about how the choices we all make in our own kitchens can affect our carbon footprints.

Now, if you've already torn out all of your old kitchen cabinets, counters, and flooring to replace them with more sustainable alternative materials, there are still plenty of things you can do to make your kitchen greener. The foods you choose, and the way you prepare them can affect how much energy goes into a meal, and how much carbon dioxide gets dumped into our atmosphere as a result. There are various cookbooks and grocery aisle tips that my family has used for years to help reduce our kitchen's carbon footprint, but I realized recently that there's a quick and easy way to reduce your kitchen's footprint to zero!

Here's how you do it: pack your family into the old hybrid S.U.V., and drive to a restaurant of your choice. Now, eat your meal in the restaurant. Since you haven't used your kitchen at all in the production of the meal, that means your kitchen has produced zero carbon! I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner. Why not try it today, and start enjoying your cleaner, greener kitchen right away?

Thursday, December 17, 2009

"Ja, und das ist Polka!" Band to Perform at Gym's Coffee Clutch in Downtown Alameda

In an attempt to compete with the fancy-schmancy new restaurants that keep opening up downtown, the venerable Gym's Coffee Clutch has announced that it will be staying open late on Monday nights to offer patrons a chance to experience Alameda's exciting music scene live on their new stage, which they constructed by dismantling the salad bar. "Nobody was using that thing anyway," said Roland Dunkelbauer, former all-Alameda bodybuilding champion and owner of Gym's, "and we were able to re-use a lot of the lumber, which we believe will be sturdy enough to support the considerable musical heft of Alameda's own 'Ja, und das ist Polka!' band." Their first performance will be Monday, December 21, from 7:00 to 8:00 p.m.

"We realize this is pretty late at night for a lot of our regular clientele, but we are hoping to attract some of those mindless yuppies to spend their big wads of money here at Gym's instead of at new places like that raw fish and yogurt beauty parlor," Mr. Dunkelbauer explained to the Alameda Daily Noose and me. "We've added a lot of sweet coffee drinks with funny names to the menu, and we've started using words from various foreign languages instead of 'small,' 'medium,' and 'large.' We've turned down the lights and turned up the music, installed some extra flat-screen T.V.'s, and we've started serving dishes with reductions and compotes and demi-glace, whatever those are. And of course, we've jacked up the prices on everything. We think it's going to be a huge hit!"

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

In Scathing Response, Little Jimmy Demolishes Little Johnny's Flimsy Arguments

Dear Johnny,

I am writting this to answer your stupid letter from yesterday. Remember what the teacher told you in math class – you dont know what a fact is and what an opinion is.

The facts are the facts. The people that read my letter can draw a conclusion – or not – of whatever they want to from them. They can even draw a picture of stupid Johnny in your stupid Stuperman Underoos if they want to. After all I found the package in your garbage and you never denyed it not even once so you agree I was right all along.

Sounds like you are pretending to know a lot of stuff you do'nt really know and just repeating things that people say about you, even though you dont' understand them.

Jimmy Ward

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have to hand it to little Jimmy Ward. His perceptive, thoughtful, and thoroughly original critique of little Johnny's letter systematically demolished each and every one of Johnny's weak attempts at arguments, tearing into them like some kind of unstoppable argument-demolishing machine. The way this kid shines at anything he undertakes reminds us of—dare we even think it, much less say it?—a young Chuck Corica!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Little Johnny Breaks Silence in Weak Attempt to Deflect Devastating Underoos Charges

Dear Alameda Daily Noose Editor,

Please don't put this letter on your website, but I want to set the record straight, like my mom always says. So the problem is that I'm tired of Jimmy Ward saying stuff about people that isn't true. Like, I do not wear Superman Underoos. My little brother does, but why would anyone care about that, anyway?

It seems like Jimmy is always trying to say mean things about somebody for no reason, and the things he says sometimes don't make any sense. Like, one time he told this other kid, "You're a jerk," and when I told him that was a mean thing to say, he said it wasn't because he looked in the dictionary before that and it said that "jerk" means "a quick, sharp pull," so its not a mean word. And then one time in math class he said that 9 x 9=90, and when the teacher said it was 81, Jimmy said, "That's just your opinion!" I don't think he knows what a fact is and what an opinion is.

He also seems to pretend to know a lot of stuff that he doesn't really know. Like, one time I told him, "You're a hominid," because that's something that all people are, and he said, "No I'm not! You're a hominid." It seems like he just repeats things that people say about him, even though he doesn't understand them.

So, that's why I think maybe you shouldn't always post his letters on your website, Mr. Editor. Kids are going to make fun of him when they see his letters, and then he'll start saying the same mean things they said. Maybe it would help if you or somebody else could give him some ideas for how to make his letters better so kids won't make fun of him.

Johnny Black

Monday, December 14, 2009

Little Jimmy Pulls Down Pants of Deception to Reveal Underoos of Truth

Dear Mr. Grumbel,

I have some great news for you. Everybody knows, " 'News' is anything that anybody doesn't want somebody to know." Thats my motto, and maybe your's too.

So what you need to report on is this amazing story I have about how that dumb Johnny is so dumb that he still wears Superman Underoos like he is a little kid or maybe Superman or both. I saw the empty package in the garbage can right in front of his house, so I know for sure.

That is so dumb. Why would anyone ever listen to someone who wears Underoos, or call on them in class, but our teachers still call on Johnny even thought hes dumb. Even he thinks it is dumb because I told him I know that he wears them and he said no I don't that is so dumb. That means it's news cause he doesn't want anyone to know. He says its not true, which means that it must be true but he does'nt want people to know.

Jimmy Ward

Friday, December 11, 2009

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Put a Green Twist on an Old Flame

There are a lot of winter holiday traditions out there, and the one thing they all seem to have in common is candles. As much fun as it is to set things on fire, it's important to think about the potential impact of all these candles on the environment. Fortunately, as we environmental writers so often discover, there is a guilt-free solution in the form of a fantastic new consumer product!

Now, those of us who like to enjoy a little sushi while we're getting our nails done (with environmentally friendly polish, of course) know all about edamame, a healthy Japanese snack food which is as delicious with yogurt as it is with beer. Apparently, edamame is made out of soy beans, which are highly flammable, but in a very Zen, connected-with-nature kind of way. You can simply twist the ends into little wicks, light them, and they burn cleanly and greenly for hours.

So the next time you're having edamame, be sure to order plenty extra. You can take them home in one of those handy Styrofoam containers and use them as environmentally friendly alternatives to candles in all of your holiday decorations!

Now, if all of this sounds like too much trouble, fortunately ready-made edamame candles are available for purchase on-line. You know they're perfectly safe because they aren't made with chemicals. The only down side is that they smell so delicious when they're burning that you may find yourself craving yogurt…or a beer!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Cindy Sherman Exposes Yet Another Case of Indoctrination in our Schools


Yesterday I overheard my children singing a song they had learned at school. What began as a seemingly innocent song about a series of Christmas presents took a disturbing turn when "eleven pipers piping" were mentioned not once but twice. I did some quick research on the Google, and my worst fears were realized. Just look at what I found on some interweb page:

The pipers referred to in the song would be the professional bagpipe musicians hired to entertain the guests with their music and provide music for dancing.
Just as I suspected! The mention of "pipers piping" was not some innocent reference to plumbing, but rather a clear case of Bagpipe indoctrination in our schools!

This may be hard for Right-Thinking Alamedans to believe, but the idea that the Tartan Agenda would be forced down our throats was openly discussed by rabid Bagpipe-huggers like Roy Avery over a year ago, in the run-up to the presidential election. Unfortunately, Alameda ignored these warning signs and put that Secret Scotsman Barack Obama in the White House, and now those Tartan-clad, Bagpipe-playing chickens are finally coming home to roost.

This brings me to Measure B. Bagipes are a Bad Deal for Alameda. Vote no on Meausure B!

Cindy Sherman

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Alameda Threatened by Crazed Robot Lawyers Running Amok


I have it on good authority that in the near future, Robots are going to have their own lawyers. Chances are that those lawyers are also going to be Robots, which I can easily guess since our Evil Robot Mayor, Beverly Johnson, just happens to be a lawyer. Who better to defend the activities at the Secret Robot Base that she is promoting or undermining—I forget which.

Robots are already cleaning people's houses, and soon they'll be delivering all of our mail, and who knows what all. Obviously, the human race is on the brink of destruction, because our beds are going to be short-sheeted, our floors waxed to such a shine that they're too slippery to walk on, and all of our mail will get delivered to the wrong addresses, crumpled. All the while, Robot lawyers will be suing innocent Alamedans for buying those service Robots in the first place, as if it were our fault that our housework is done badly.

Frieda Bellows

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Alameda Leads the Way in Quality of Life, Sea Cucumbers

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are proud to announce that Alameda's own Dancing Sea Cucumbers were recently featured in a major holiday parade in some city that's not Alameda. This means that once again, Alameda is leading the way as the rest of the world slowly comes to understand that there is no quality of life better than the Alamedan quality of life.

The Sea Cucumbers, seen here rehearsing for their busy performance season, will also dance at Cap'n Everett Street's traditional boat-lighting ceremony on December 10th, outside the Rusty Scupper Family Seafood Restaurant. The boat-lighting ceremony should not to be confused with the Lighted Yacht Parade on December 5, which reportedly included no Sea Cucumbers and was therefore not worth watching.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Free Public Meeting on Measure B Featuring Proponents & Opponents


The public is invited to hear a fair and balanced presentation on Measure B, one that will include not only all of the fantastic arguments against this horrible so-called initiative that will destroy life as we know it in Alameda, but also all of the weak excuses for arguments put forth by the shady characters behind Measure B, along with the many reasons they are completely bogus. The Alameda Cultural Heritage Education Society is sponsoring this free presentation on Wednesday, December 9 from 1:00 p.m. to 2:00 p.m. at the Most Honorable Order of the Least Terns Lodge in the Inquisition Room, located in the sub-dungeon immediately below the Ratskeller.

Representatives of the Evil Developer and the Sleazy Wall Street Fat Cats who wrote the initiative will be there. Representatives of What's the Point, a grassroots group dedicated to Truth, Justice, and the Alamedan Way and opposed to the initiative will be there. Both sides will enter, but only one will stride forth victorious from the blood-soaked arena of combat. The initiative is over 283 pages long. Here is your chance to hear from proponents and opponents before carefully weighing the evidence and arguments and voting against Measure B.

The election is coming right up on February 2, and all we can say now is that everybody in town is going to vote no. With so many reasons to vote against Measure B and so little time to review them all, it's important to take this opportunity to decide which ones are the most important to you, your family, your friends, and your neighbors.

Basil Rand, What's the Point

Friday, December 4, 2009

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Green Your Holidays with Recycled Gift Giving

Oh, the holiday season is full swing now, and if you're like me, you give gifts for all of them. I simply can't resist a winter gift-giving occasion, whether I'm delivering a box of frozen organic latkes, or a homemade Kinara cleverly crafted from an old egg carton. As you might have guessed, the common element is always kindness to the planet.

There are lots of easy ways that you can make your gifts kind to the planet, but one that often gets overlooked is Recycled Gift Giving, or "Regifting" for short. Regifting is sustainable, because no additional resources are required to produce the gift. You simply take a gift that you received on a previous occasion, wrap it nicely in colorful hemp paper if it's not still in the original gift-wrap, cross out your name on the "To" tag and insert the name of the person to whom you are giving it.

I have been using this planet-friendly method for many of my gifts every since I saw a fascinating documentary on the subject that aired on NBC back in January of 1995. According to the documentary, there are a variety of items that are ideal for regifting, such as tickets to major sporting events or label makers. As an added bonus, I've found that items I recycle often find their way back around to me, sometimes from unexpected sources! Not only have I seen the same whole-grain, unsulfured fruitcake return to my household more than once, but my family was recently reunited with the macaroni artwork that my son gave to a friend for St. Patrick's Day.

Naturally, it's important to make sure that the gifts you recycle are not perishable, and that recycled gifts to children do not contain alcohol or choking hazards. If you follow those simple guidelines, though, you will find that recycled gifts are the gifts you keep on regiving for years to come!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 42 days, with the most recent shown in green:

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
Corica Have Mercy:

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
This Is an Outrage:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board October 26, 2009

Editor's Comments:

It's hard to believe that anyone would even consider talking about allowing the construction of a two-story skyscraper in Alameda, but that's just what our so-called Planning Board was doing.

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board November 9, 2009

Replay Planning Board Meeting November 4, 2009 (September 28)

Editor's Comments:

As if it weren't bad enough that there were multiple Planning Board meetings in November, they had to hold one of them again. The Alameda Daily Noose and I are dumfounded that they would go to the trouble of repeating the exact same agenda, play by play, saying all the same things they did the first time they held the meeting, and in exactly the same tones of voice. What a colossal waste of taxpayer money! If we're going to hold reenactments, they should be of Civil War battles, or some other stirring events in Alameda history.

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council December 1, 2009

Golden AcornGolden AcornGolden Acorn
So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:
Special Meeting of the Community Improvement Commission November 4, 2009

Editor's Comments:

When it comes to "Community Improvement," the Alameda Daily Noose and I find ourselves in the unusual position of pointing out that they actually have a better approach in that city that's not Alameda.

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board November 23, 2009

Golden AcornGolden Acorn
Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council November 3, 2009

Regular ARRA Meeting November 4, 2009

Golden Acorn
Nothing Worth Complaining About:
Regular Transportation Commission October 28, 2009

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council November 17, 2009

Regular Transportation Commission November 25, 2009

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Cracking Nuts and Taking Names

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were excited to learn that on Saturday, December 19th, and Sunday, December 20th, the Alameda Civic Ballet (ABC) will be performing The Nutcracker. As we understand it, this ballet is a stinging indictment of Squirrel activities, featuring a hero who fearlessly confronts the King of the Squirrels and destroys his entire stash of winter provisions by masticating them.

Attending The Nutcracker should be a great activity for children, but ABC doesn't stop there. They are also conducting a campaign to encourage children to consume ice-cream instead of alcohol, and are conducting covert operations to prevent anyone from slipping alcohol into Alameda's ice-cream supply. It's easy to imagine what kind of subversive element might resort to such sabotage, but since not all of our readers are imaginative at all, we'll spell it out for you: S-Q-U-I-R-R-E-L-S! We're lucky that highly trained ballerinas are standing ready to knock some sciurine heads together, probably with dazzlingly coordinated and deceptively powerful taps of their pointe shoes.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Frieda Bellows Knows How to Protect Alameda's Children from Distracted Drivers


I heard that somebody read somewhere that there was a car crash recently that was caused by a puppy distracting the driver. Today's drivers have so many things to concentrate on, like sending text messages while eating a breakfast burrito (those are so good!) and putting on makeup, that even the slightest distraction could cause an accident. I've said before that this town is too soft on puppies, but did anyone listen?

Now that we know that it's puppies that are causing all those car crashes, the only solution is to ban puppies. After all, the driver crashed into a day care center, and even though none of the children were hurt, it doesn't take a genius to see that allowing puppies near children is just an accident waiting to happen.

And to think that our mayor has actually issued a proclamation in favor of puppies and kittens! Is the blood of a child what it will take for people to figure out that we have to get Alameda's puppy problem under control? Dogs are okay, as long as you're not allergic, but it's clear that we need to have a zero tolerance policy for puppies. They should never get the chance to set a paw on Alamedan soil.

Frieda Bellows

Monday, November 30, 2009

Holiday Shirt Shopping Tip from Nedash Potter

Dear Mr. Grumbel,

Allow me first to say how much I love your noosepaper. I love it more than life itself, which is saying quite a bit because I love life!

But now, here is the reason I am writing this letter. I came across this store on the Inter-Nets, and I felt that although the item was miscategorized as "funny" rather than "serious", the shirt being sold would be a good gift for any right-thinking Alamedan on your Holiday list.

I believe that I actually recognize a couple of the characters in the second row from my own back yard.

I am not affiliated with this clothing store, but considering how serious a problem we have here, any opportunity to spread the word about these menaces to society is OK by me.

Nedash Potter