Throngs of Shoppers Drive Business Away from Park Street

Roger,

As fans of parking in front of one's house, you and I share a desire for easy and quick parking no matter where we are. Imagine my shock and dismay this past weekend as I made my way to Gym's Coffee Clutch for my usual Saturday 4-egg omelet with ham steak and black coffee (2 Equals), only to find the entirety of Park Street closed! Closed! Closed, I said!

Apparently, some hippie freaks had convinced those nitwits on the city council to hold some sort of "festival" dedicated to selling hemp clothing and oversized novelty hot dogs. The roads were swarming with non-Alamedans and their cars! It got so bad, I had to park in the garage no one uses, and even that was full of people not using it, and for free!

What did I see when I finally made my way through the throng? Strangers wandering the streets as willful as you please, buying costume jewelry and French Fries topped with garlic! (What will those crazy French think of next?) Is this why I pay my property taxes - so non-Alamedans can shop right in the middle of the street? Is this what things will be like when the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates opens? Woe is us! Woe is indeed us!

Booh Gradley

Editor's Comments:

Loyal readers will no doubt notice that the Alameda Daily Noose and I refrained from pointing out the obvious connection between lack of parking and that Tool of the Squirrels called "street trees". Again, this is definitive proof that we are not obsessed with Squirrels.