Monday, May 5, 2008

Flawed Environmental Report Omits Likely Effects of Toxic Contamination at Alameda Point

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have just discovered that there may be radioactive waste at Alameda Point! We're not sure exactly when we made this discovery, because the environmental report we were reading mentioned that a similar substance is present in certain kinds of wristwatches, and upon learning that, we were quick to ensure that no watch of any kind remained in our immediate vicinity.

Notably missing from all descriptions of contamination on the former naval air station is any mention of the likely effects of all this radioactivity. By "likely effects," we mean, of course, the inevitable mutation of the sparse but toughened Squirrel population in that part of our Treasured Island. As they breathe the radioactive air and ingest the radioactive soil, these monstrous nucivores will grow stronger, bolder, and more aggressive. It is obvious that they will eventually turn their destructive sights on the city across the bay from us, just for target practice, and then wheel around and begin in earnest the accomplishment of their true goal: the utter obliteration of Alameda.

Such disturbing discoveries as this make it all the more incredible that some people, far from shunning Squirrels, devote entire interweb sites to promoting them. It's bad enough that these Squirrel sympathizers brush aside the obvious threat their wild cohorts pose to our way of life, but we also have to wonder about the mental health of anyone who can devote such sheer amounts of time and attention to that single subject. Anyone who is sufficiently fixated on the creatures to write about them day after day, month after month, is probably in need of intervention. Somebody should set these nut-jobs straight, and cure them of their Squirrel addiction once and for all.

No comments: