Monday, April 20, 2009

Dave Williamson Traumatized by Assault


Rumors are flooding into our news desk that small gangs of aggressive youths all over town are accosting Right-Thinking Alamedans as they attempt to go about their daily business. Your correspondent has suffered physical intimidation himself—by the menacing young woman in the attached photo—on Sunday, April 19th in front of That Yuppie Coffee Shop.

We were just walking by when she began to personally mock us, calling us names which aren't re-printable in this soon-to-award-winning daily noosepaper, including what must have been some kind of gang slang: "Dulce de Leche," "Samosa," and "Do-Si-Do." She stood up out of her chair and walked toward us to physically intimidate us as we stood frozen with fear, glancing nervously at an array of suspicious-looking boxes she had spread out on her table.

She was so physically imposing that we felt it would be pointless to run, so we held our ground and reluctantly accepted the "free sample" that she forced upon us. In the process of handing it over, she bumped our hand with the serving plate. We were about to hurry off and throw the sample away when we realized that it smelled like peanut butter. Was she trying to kill us? Everyone knows that our nation's entire peanut butter supply is simply crawling with Salmonella!

As we were taking a box of the offending merchandise away to be analyzed for tainted peanuts, the same young woman shouted after us about "paying" for it, and when we tried to escape, she ran after us and rudely snatched the box from our hands, scratching our left thumb slightly in the process. We told her that we intended to charge her with assault and peanut-butter battery, and secretly took the above photo to prove that she was employing menacing techniques in her efforts to push tainted foodstuffs on other innocent people.

Your correspondent is still traumatized and psychologically scarred after being man-handled by this little girl. She may think nothing can stop her peanut-buttery reign of terror, but we have five brave words for her: We'll see you in court.

Dave Williamson

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