Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Squirrel Action Well Taken!

Dear Sir,

For many years, the residents of Alameda have had to look within for inspiration, as the world outside the island so rarely offers heroes and role models. There is Heidi Wilson, sure, but after her, who? The Parks & Recreation Department of Spokane, that's who! Our northerly brothers in the fight against the Furry-Tailed Menace have finally hit on the solution: Squirrel detonation!

I'm not sure why no one in Alameda noticed that Squirrels were explosive, but now that we do, the tables surely will turn! I call on our Evil Robot Mayor to convert the military whoositz everyone's clattering on about into a Squirrel detonation supply manufacturing center. The mining of propane, the harvesting of oxygen, all can be done on-island. Perhaps we could lure the makers of the Rodenator to set up shop here, where we need them most!

Let us be sure not to tell the Squirrels about our plans, though. If they ever realized they could explode, well, there's no telling where and when they'd do it, just for spite! Let us just be thankful we are not plagued by the "saber-toothed gopher." Heaven knows what that is!

Yours in Alameda,
Bennifrond Appherton

Editor's Note:

Although the Alameda Daily Noose and I appreciate Mr. Appleton's correspondence and are very excited about the potential application of the Rodenator Pro system in Alameda, we beg to differ with the completely unfounded claim that "no one in Alameda noticed that Squirrels were explosive." The Alameda Daily Noose and I have sounded this warning not once, but twice! All we can say is that we're thrilled that somebody has finally figured out a way to turn this unusual property of Squirrels against them.


hally said...

Madness, you just look at it!!! SPOKANE, Wash.
The agency is using a special machine called the Rodenator Pro
"That borders on cruelty."
Join here:Rodenator

Elaine Hollandaise said...

As a Squirrel Enthusiast, I am saddened by this article. However, as a pet owner, I can sympathize with fears about the spread of diseases. Still, it's hard to believe that the method of population control described is a serious, long-term solution to whatever problems these poor ground squirrels are causing. Has anyone even tried offering the females tiny birth-control pills?

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