Sunday, July 4, 2010

July 4th: A Day to Celebrate Our Journalistic Independence

As the great island nation of Alameda prepares once again to honor the Alameda Daily Noose and me with its annual parade, we cannot help reflecting modestly upon the many years of service that we have given freely to our Right-Thinking fans, holding aloft the eternal flame of Alamedaness. In that journalistic endeavor, no-one yet has been able to fill our estimable shoes. Not even the mighty Dave Williamson was able to pull our noble editorial pen from the loathsome ash tree of Wrong-Thinking that we had impaled with it. Beset the while by chit-chit-chittering Squirrels as annoying as the notorious Ratatoskr of ancient Noose mythology, young Dave strove with all his strength (except for that which he expended on Miss Grumpy Alameda's publicity) for three months to gain mastery of that pen, even practicing with an electronic simulator, but to no avail. I, Roger Grumbel, was forced to step in again to show the younger generation of Alamedans how it is done.

It is just such masterful decision-making that defines the truly great editor. No set of journalistic rules, however comprehensive, can replace the daring independence of a Noose Man in the Classic Sense. There are times when one must throw off the chafing chains of fact and fly free. There is no telling where true journalistic integrity may take an editor next. Sometimes, it may even lead to some city that is not Alameda, as unexpected as it may seem that there would be anything worth noting outside our Treasured Isle. You need not fear for our safety when we go to such lengths in pursuit of items for publication, for there is always a place reserved in the Noosemobile for our faithful canine companion, Scoop, who will face any danger, with the possible exception of cats and some other things.

But let us not forget that the foundation of any noosepaper worth its salt is a firm grasp of the history of Alameda. The Alameda Daily Noose and I make sure to remind our readers of the details of long-standing institutions that should be common knowledge, such as our Secret Police. Yes, from the time of Alameda's discovery in 1492, up to our current travails under a Bagpipe-hugging President, our every scrap of history must be preserved, perhaps in some of those enormous hangars that were recently discovered in western Alameda.

It is only right that today Alameda should celebrate us, who bring you all of those noose stories and more. Of course, we are too modest to say it ourselves, but it must be obvious that we embody that ancient Alamedan legend: in Alameda's hour of greatest need, a hero braves the leaping magic flames to awaken a sleeping noosepaper. With that hard-won prize, he goes forth to fight the never-ending battle for truth, justice, and the Alamedan way.

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