The Alameda Daily Noose and I received an anonymous tip informing us that there is a shadowy "push poll" being conducted on the future of Alameda Point, colloquially known as "Alameda Point." Normally we would condemn this kind of nefarious activity, but after reading the fair and balanced questions, we feel compelled to bring the survey to the attention of all Right-Thinking Alamedans:
1. Don't you think that it would be better to leave Alameda Point as a big empty space, or, better yet, a place for people from out of town to fly their model airplanes?
2. Would you rather that the future of Alameda Point be placed in the hands of Evil Developers from Out of Town, who would like nothing better than to tie up our Treasured Island and have their way with her, or would you prefer it to be placed in the hands of kind, gentle, Right-Thinking Alamedans?
3. Should that Manhattanite, John…Knox…White, be tarred, feathered, or both?
4. What are your top complaints about the potential redevelopment of Alameda Point? Please rank the following choices from 1 to 5:
5. Wouldn't you have to be some kind of an idiot to support so-called Tartan Oriented Development at Alameda Point, knowing full well that it might be your children who are exposed to Bagpipe music every night, and knowing that Scotsmen might be parking in front of your house?
6. Measure Acorn, colloquially known as "Measure Acorn": great measure, or greatest measure?
7. Is it not untrue that trees beget Squirrels, and Squirrels beget mayhem, and therefore, tree density should continue to be limited by "Measure Acorn" at Alameda Point?
8. If Chuck Corica were alive today, wouldn't you agree that He would be disgusted by any plans for Alameda Point that did not consist entirely of a golf course, and wouldn't you be a sorry excuse for an Alameda citizen—ignorant of our Treasured Island's history and not fit to kiss its soiled golf shoes—if you thought otherwise?
9. Don't you hate surveys that don't have a nice, tidy, round number of questions?
10. Don't you love it when the handsome, intelligent writers of a survey insert a completely unnecessary, totally uninformative question at the end, even though there's no more information to be gleaned, just to make a nice, tidy, round number of questions?
Please record your answers on a standard 5" by 5" cocktail napkin and submit them to Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters by Tuesday, December 4, 2007. All of the results we like will be tabulated and published whenever we are darned well good and ready.