Monday, June 16, 2008

Scoop! of Shocking Footage: Is John McCain the Man-Squirrelian Candidate?

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were goggling the interwebs the other day when we ran across some evidence of new competition in the dog-eat-dog world of soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepapers. We don't know who this Colbert guy is or where he came from, but the Alameda Daily Noose and I like the cut of his jib.

Apparently, this Colbert fellow challenged his dozen or so readers to do some investigative reporting on his behalf (as a relative newcomer to the journalistic scene, he's obviously not up to the task himself), asking them to dig up embarrassing videos of the remaining presidential candidates. Just as the Alameda Daily Noose and I were preparing to tch-tch-tch this sophomoric prank, the following shocking entry stopped us dead in mid-double-click:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have already made the public aware that our only remaining choices in the race for President are dishearteningly Soft on Squirrels, but now our diligent work has revealed that the problem is more serious than we imagined. It is clear from the video above that Senator McCain is desperately trying to distract us from the cheeky antics of the Squirrel behind him by hammering away at a laundry list of lesser threats to our Precious Quality of Life. He clearly hopes that we will be completely unaware of the Squirrel in the background, to say nothing of the Squirrel-Hugging in his background.

By now, you've probably bought into the image of Senator McCain that's currently being peddled by the other major news media: he's a maverick straight-shooter who's Tough on Squirrels. Perhaps you even cheered when he championed legislation that would push through a huge project "even if it killed every Squirrel" in an Arizona mountaintop forest.

Well, in yet another fine example of journalism in the classic sense, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have uncovered evidence that Senator McCain is merely hiding behind a flimsy screen of anti-Squirrel rhetoric, a shameless pander engineered to win crucial votes in the swing state of Alameda. The truth is that Senator McCain may have deeper ties to Squirrels than any politician we have criticized to date.

Yes, it's true. Thanks to a little-known interweb time-travel device, the Alameda Daily Noose and I were able to prove that as recently as October 17, 2006, Senator McCain was prominently featured as the "Squirrel of the Month" by that most sinister of sinister secret societies, the dreaded Global Squirrel Network.

Clearly, the only possible explanation for the disconnect between "Senator" McCain's dark sciurine past and his recent feeble attempts to appear Tough on Squirrels is that he is some kind of Manchurian Candidate—nay, a Man-Squirrelian Candidate—bent on destroying Truth, Justice, and the Alamedan Way…from the inside!

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