Friday, June 13, 2008

Bagpipe-Hugger Roy Avery Waves His Kilt Around


I know a great many of your readers are unwilling to recognize the benefits of incorporating more tartan into our community, but I've got some news that I think is really going to change their minds. I have been experimenting with some exciting new technology that could revolutionize our means of powering electronic practice chanters and other essential equipment without doing harm to the environment. I think I've come up with a real winner this time!

Taking advantage of Alameda Power and Telecom's generous rebate program, I have incorporated photovoltaic threads into all of my kilts in such a way that you can hardly tell the difference in the pattern. Striding about in one of these enhanced kilts enables me find the optimal sun-soaked point at which to strike a stalwart pose and start reducing my electricity bills.

Now, pipers habitually position themselves to catch the last rays of sunset, and the first rosy glow of dawn, which makes them a natural choice for helping maximize the island's collection of solar energy. Depending on the angle of the kilt in relation to the sun, a single piper can produce as much as .5 watts of power in the time it takes to play "The Kilt is My Delight," and a well-placed wind turbine in the vicinity of this same piper could more than double that output.

In this time of global warming and high energy costs, tartan and bagpipes can be powerful tools for positive change. I hope that more Alamedans will learn to embrace them, for the sake of our future. The benefits far outweigh any short-term, aural and visual impairment that may result from widespread use of these time-tested, and now thoroughly updated, tools.

Roy Avery

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