I'm very green. There's nothing I wouldn't do to preserve this beautiful planet for the sake of our children. When it comes to our precious oil supply, however, there is no room for compromise! Mayor Johnson needs to demand the immediate commencement of oil drilling off the coast of Alameda!
Now at this point I'm sure I've ruffled the feathers of those seabird-huggers who constantly fret about the possibility of oil spills. Give me a break! They need to listen to some straight talk from that maverick John McCain: These days, offshore drilling is perfectly safe! I mean, really, thanks to today's technology, when was the last time you heard anything about an oil spill anywhere near our Treasured Island?
Utilizing untapped oil supplies is the only solution to our energy problems. Clean energy like wind and solar would be way too expensive, even if that kind of Buck Rogers idea could be put into practice. And of course there's no point in expecting anyone to start driving even smaller vehicles or driving less. I can barely fit a bag of groceries into my SUV's driver's side cup-holder as it is, and those three blocks to Starbucks are way too long for walking!
But there is a simple solution: Instead of paying outrageous prices at the gas pump, we should be pouring Alameda's financial resources into programs that will provide incentives for oil companies to wring every last drop of crude out of the Alameda's sand and shale.
If the entire nation follows our good example, the resulting increase in production could reduce the price of gasoline by as much as $0.075 per gallon! That would mean that at my current rate of driving, it would only take 29 days for me to save up enough money to buy that Grande Mint Mocha Chip Frappuccino® blended coffee with Chocolate Whipped Cream I've been craving…well, 29 days plus the 20 years it will take to ramp up production to the point that I actually start saving that $0.075 per gallon.
And that, my friends, is why we must Drill Here and Drill Now, to ensure that our quality of life will eventually be safe in the great island nation of Alameda…once and for all!
Sincerely yours (without my beard),