The naysayers can stop naying now, because the rest of the world is finally becoming aware of the growing Squirrel threat. Time after time, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have scooped the other major news media on this issue, but now the problem has become so great that even small-time publications like the Alameda Puppy Trainer are starting to take notice.
Of course, no-one reads that kind of "newspaper" on purpose. It was by sheer chance that a certain phrase caught our attention as the Alameda Daily Noose and I were tidying up after our trusty newshound, Scoop. The paper was a little damp and torn, but we spotted this phrase in some story about toxic cleanup at Alameda Point:
"...add plastic sheeting below the contaminated soil to prevent burrowing animals like squirrels from reaching the waste."Thanks to the Alameda Daily Noose and me, everyone knows the risks of allowing Squirrels to come into contact with hazardous waste. Is it any coincidence that our diligent reporting of those risks came before the Navy's sudden decision to employ protective plastic sheeting? Clearly, our searing indictments of the hitherto inadequate levels of protection against mutant killer Squirrels has shamed those responsible into taking more thorough measures.
There's no need to thank us, although we're sure you will, anyway. Letters of praise should be directed to email@example.com. But really, it's all in a day's work for the Alameda Daily Noose and me.