I am dismayed that the Alameda Daily Noose is accusing squirrels of somehow tampering with last Tuesday's election results. As a long-time squirrel-watcher, I can assure you that if there was any unusual squirrel activity last week, I saw no sign of it. I believe Alameda's squirrel population had all the work it could handle just trying to stay warm and dry last week. Regrettable incidents with certain people's prize sunflowers aside, I believe that staying warm and dry are a squirrel's main concerns at this time of year, with charming skitterings among fallen leaves being a close second in frequency, according to my observations. Just take a look at those innocent, forlorn eyes in the video that one of my fellow squirrel-watchers took last week and tell me if that is the gaze of one who would try to interfere with our democratic process. Squirrels gained nothing from this election, although they could probably use some help from us.
The Alameda Daily Noose and I are not the least bit moved by these images of a poor, cold, bedraggled Squirrel using its little tail as an umbrella. No, we did not feel a sympathetic shiver as we watched the raindrops pelting it relentlessly, and if even we did, it must have been due to camera tricks and deceptive editing. There is no way that this clearly amateur video will dupe Right-Thinking Alamedans into feeling sympathy for the Squirrels. Now, you'll have to excuse us, because the Alameda Daily Noose and I seem to have gotten something irritating in our eyes.