Wednesday, November 12, 2008

"Plans" to Make "Changes" Unrealistic


My neighbor wants to remodel his house, but there is no physical evidence to suggest that he will succeed. The remodeling project does not exist yet. He's just been showing people all of the fancy blueprints he's made up, which are nothing more than a bunch of lines on paper. There's nothing real in these fantastical "plans" for a "one-room addition" with "no impact on street view." What guarantee do we have that the elements of these plans will turn out the way they are supposed to? I doubt that the project will even be able to get the funding it needs in this bad economy, and there should be an independent audit of my neighbor's finances to determine his ability to undertake such a project.

This neighbor has been wasting all kinds of time getting permits and hiring contractors. Meanwhile, I've come up with a better plan for his house. It's a bold approach, but not without precedent. In essence, the best thing he could do with his property would be to leave it exactly as it currently is, so that future generations could enjoy it. This approach works very well for me with my home, and it will work for my neighbor just as indisputably as the moon is made of green cheese, which, as everyone knows, it is. (Samples of that verdant caseous lunar substance were brought back from the first moon landing, although the rigors of re-entry into earth's atmosphere rendered them hard as rocks.)

Speaking of coming back down to earth, I have produced a full-color flier—entitled "The Time Has Come For A New Vision for My Neighbor's House ~ Citizens for Doing Nothing ~"—detailing the advantages of my alternative plan, and I am distributing it to everyone who might have an interest in preserving neighbors' houses, in situ, precisely as they were planned and executed by the mid-20th century masters of ranch-style dwellings who practiced their art so prolifically along Grand Street and Gibbons Drive.

The advantages of my plan should be clear to all who read it. If my neighbor fails to recognize the pointlessness of making "plans" that will "change" his house in any way, I will call upon Right-Thinking Alamedans to join me in picketing his home until he sees the light.

Walt Piro

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