Right-Thinking Alamedans Sure to Report Widespread Acorn Activity and Other Squirreliness at the Polls Today
The Alamdeda Daily Noose and I have it on good authority that the Squirrels and their Fellow Travelers are organizing in an attempt to destroy Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" by influencing the outcome of today's election. Our hard-hitting investigative journalistic techniques have revealed that they intend to achieve their dastardly objectives primarily by making their way toward polling places and voting, rather than merely cowering under a tree and munching nuts on election day.
Given the damning evidence of voter fraud that the Alameda Daily Noose and I have uncovered deep within our imaginations, it is the duty of all of you Right-Thinking Alamedans to keep an eye out for any and all Squirrely activity at the polls today and report the many irregularities that you will undoubtedly observe to a qualified conspiracy theory expert like the Alameda Daily Noose, or me. If you think you saw something but you weren't quite sure, we suggest selecting an item from the following list and repeating it to yourself until you are confident that you did, in fact, see it:
- An acorn rolling out of the voting booth over in the corner.
- A strange rustling sound, punctuated by distinctive chit-chit-chittering, emanating from the ballot box.
- A ballot-marking pen that had obviously been worked over by someone with massive incisors which grow continuously and must be kept worn down by gnawing.
- Voter information pamphlets shredded and stuffed into natural cavities within trees, often in areas of the kind of moderate to dense vegetation that offers cover and concealment.
- A bushy tail sticking out from under the coat of that hirsute gentleman in front of you in line.
As soon as you see these things, drop everything—including your yet-to-be-cast ballot, if necessary—rush straight home, fire up your computer, and send a "gee-mail" to email@example.com. Whatever you do, don't let an unimportant thing like voting get in the way of stopping the Squirrels from stealing the election!