Bagpipe-Hugger Roy Avery Makes Ridiculous Claims About So-Called Problems of Low Bagpipe Density

Editor,

It's time for people to lay off the bagpipe-bashing a bit. There are many of us in Alameda who believe that, if it is done right, a large number of bagpipes can actually coexist harmoniously in a relatively small space. There are parts of our community that could actually be improved by the addition of a few more bagpipes, so let's do our part to accomodate more bagpipes instead of forcing them into more congested urban areas.

Bagpipes can actually have a stimultating effect on a population and its economy. In fact, the presence of bagpipes is one of the reasons that I am able to live happily here. Mr. Census and others should stop trying to blame all of their problems on bagpipes, and start looking at the problems that are being caused by a lack of bagpipes. If you've ever witnessed the pathetic efforts of a lone piper to cover both parts in a duet, you'll know what a tragedy it is when there are not enough qualified bagpipers to go around.

What little bagpiping there is in Alameda is essential to maintaining air circulation on the island. Most people don't realize that we could quickly become enveloped in smog of our own producing if it were not for the exhalations of bagpipers' powerful lungs. You should not be complaining about that bagpiper in your neighborhood, but hailing him as the environmental hero he is. Bagpipers breathe greatly that we may breathe more easily.

If Mr. Census had stayed for more than 30 seconds of the performance on
Saturday, he would have learned that bagpipes are also a healthy alternative to pesticides and other poisons for driving out rats, cockroaches, termites, horseflies, squirrels and other vermin. Those fine, musical lads explained that the powerful vibrations of the bagpipe's drone is too much for inferior creatures to bear, and they go scampering for the nearest way out almost as soon as the music begins. Come to think of it, I think I witnessed an example of such pestilent behavior at the performance in question.

Roy Avery

Janice Lighter-Merv Roiled by Roy Avery's Very Wrong-Headed Ideas

Editor,

Roy Avery's letter to the Alameda Fish Wrap (which I never read, of course) wants to inform us on "misinformation" about his favorite "musical" instrument Bagpipes. Roy debunks the 6,000 Bagpipes claims that reliable sources have made about planned development at Alameda Point, and he says that the Secret Robot Base initiative limits Bagpipes. With the new and existing Bagpipes, 6,000 is a reasonable number without the Bagpipe density bonus.

He proceeds to label 60,000 marching Bagpiper trips for the project a "faux analysis". The 60,000 trips are based on Bagpipe Engineers Accepted Guidelines from none other than the prestigious Glasgow University Bagpipe Tracking Program, which has accurately predicted increases in the number of Bagpipers marching through the streets of Glasgow every year since 1451. Those figures absolutely apply in this case, because we don't have any reason to expect that there would be more bagpipe traffic in Glasgow than in Alameda. With tubes at commute capacity, everyone knows the overflow of Bagpipers will flood the islands streets and bridges, making it impossible for anyone to get anywhere, or to hear anything.

Roy has been promoting Bagpipes from day one, maybe his letters should have a disclaimer above them "Paid Advertisement for Bagpipes". We all know that nobody actually likes Bagpipes so its obvious that he is taking kickbacks from Big Bagpipe. Otherwise he would keep his "facts" to himself and stop roiling us Right-Thinking Alamedans with his very wrong-headed ideas.

Janice Lighter-Merv

A "Third Way" Around Alameda's Bagpipe Controversy

Rog,

With all of the controversy lately over pro-Scottish propaganda, and fears about increasing Tartan congestion, it's time for some honest, straightforward analysis of where Alamedans stand on the issue of Bagpipe proliferation. Some extremists argue for an outright ban on Bagpipes as the only reliable solution. Other, equally extreme extremists actually believe that we should maintain current levels of Bagpipes, or even encourage higher concentrations of the purportedly musical instruments, as in so-called Tartan-Oriented Development.

As one of the only people doing any real research in this town, I have arrived at a solution that is not extreme at all. In fact, my research shows that the idea is supported by European Union health and safety laws. That is not to say that Alameda should blindly follow the example of other nations, which are in most ways completely unlike us. In this case, however, I can see that decision-makers in Brussels were inspired by my whitepaper entitled "Muffling Alameda's Bagpipes," in which I advocate a cap on the number of homes in Alameda that would be allowed to harbor Bagpipes, and a comprehensive plan of sound-proofing and ongoing earplug distribution to minimize the impact of any increase in total Bagpipes.

It should be clear that "Muffling Alameda's Bagpipes" provides a reasonable compromise - a third way - between the two extremes of Bagpipe eradication and Bagpipe hugging. We might all enjoy the charms that Bagpipe proponents insist they possess, if only the darn things didn't make so much noise! The sooner everyone recognizes the sheer genius of my modest proposal, the better.

Dave Williamson

Act Now to Halt Bagpipe Contagion

Editor,

Now, personally, I never read any of those so-called newspapers, preferring the balanced coverage of the Alameda Daily Noose, but someone recently forced this appalling clipping into my hand. When I saw what horrors it contained, I felt compelled to send it on to you:

Yes, now there are Irish Bagpipers. Things were bad enough when it was just Scotsmen who were wandering around, menacing the populace with ear-destroying Bagpipes, but now it has become apparent that Bagpiping is contagious. My guess is that the disease of Bagpiping is spread through the air, and possibly also through contact with Tartan. If the Irish have already caught the bug, can the innocent citizens of our own precious island be safe? Lest anyone question the severity of this threat, let me point out that the Bagpipes have clearly already completely clogged the streets of those other nearby cities that are not Alameda. Any fool can see that the density of Bagpipes in those cities has brought with it many other urban ills, including cable cars, Children's Fairy Land, and the excessive tree growth evident in the photo.

If Alameda wishes to avoid a similar fate, we must inoculate our city against Bagpipes. Many of us moved to Alameda because it was a nice, quiet town without a lot of Bagpipe traffic, and we want to keep it that way. Besides, Alameda already has a higher Bagpiper density than any other city in the Bay Area, so it's obvious that we can't allow even one more Pipe band to locate here. Right-Thinking Alamedans must act now to halt the spread of Bagpipes, preferably while wearing protective respirators and earplugs.

Drake Census

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland expresses outrage at Roy Avery's outrageous suggestion

Rog,

I realize that far-reaching conspiracy theories are a stock argument for any right-thinking Alamedan, but this time it's different because this time it's real!

Roy Avery paints a lovely picture of Alameda Point as a giant peat bog, but he conveniently leaves out one crucial fact. Wherever there's peat, there's whisky, wherever there's whisky, there are Scotsmen, and wherever there are Scotsmen, there are...


bagpipes! Yes, bagpipes, the very reason that Alamedans passed Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus" way back in 1893, when wave after wave of Scottish immigrants threatened to drown out the peaceful sounds of factories, railroad locomotives, and steamships with the din of their Devil-pipes. As the disturbing photograph above shows, the most horrible thing about bagpipes is their effect on The Children, who are clearly shocked and screaming in terror.

Ironically, many newcomers to Alameda have never even heard of "Measure Angus," despite the fact that it is the only thing that protects the small-town peace and quiet that drew them here in the first place. Unless they want to find themselves up to their aching ears in bagpipes, they had better wise up and join me in tossing Roy Avery out of town on a caber!

Fight for "Measure Angus." Attend meetings. Object to everything at every opportunity. Don't wait for an election.

The Scotsmen are in constant contact with our elected and appointed officials. They have relationships with city staff. Resistance must be constant.

Keep "Measure Angus."

Donald Kirkland

5:51 a.m.: Plaid Flag Warning: No Bagpipe News Stories for Last 3 Days in Alameda Fly-Swatter

Editor's Comments:

On Friday, August 31, 2007, the Alameda Fly-Swatter published one news story about Bagpipes. During the subsequent 3 days, the Fly-Swatter has published no news stories about Bagpipes. Subscribers and daily purchasers of the Alameda Fly-Swatter are not getting their money's worth and are being bamboozled into purchasing the paper by its title of Alameda Fly-Swatter, mistakenly believing that they will be able to read news stories about Bagpipes and other menaces kept in check Alameda's all-important Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus." Shame on the Alameda Fly-Swatter for shirking its responsibility to report news stories about the ominously inflated threat that Bagpipes pose to our Treasured Island. The misleading title Alameda Fly-Swatter should be changed to what it actually is - the Oakland Cage Liner - or, if there were any truth in advertising, the Not-from-Alameda Peace-and-Quiet-Destroying Bagpipe-Hugger!

Roger Grumbel

Jean Kerkwilligers is Worried about How Worried to Be about Bagpipes

Dear Roger,

It seems like it's been months since you reported on the Bagpipe situation in Alameda. I'm starting to forget how I'm supposed to feel about Bagpipes, and reading that confusing book by Alameda author Danielle MacSteele didn't help.

Could you please let me know how worried I should be about Bagpipes? Lately, I've been having to do most of my worrying and complaining about Zeppelins instead.

Jean Kerkwilligers

Editor's Comments:

You can be sure that if there had been any untoward Bagpipe in Alameda recently, the Alameda Daily Noose and I would have reported on it. Obviously, we have those tartan-wrapped ruffians, the Bagpipers, on the run. That bunch of cowards must have been driven right out of town by our unrelenting critiques. Their ear-splitting racket was no match for our journalistic integrity, which just proves the old Alamedan maxim that the pen is mightier than the chanter.

Traitor Roy Avery wants to destroy Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus"!

Editor,

I must say, I was taken aback by Mr. Kirkland's violent overreaction to my modest peat bog proposal. Mr. Kirkland may long for auld lang syne, before Scotsmen ever found their way to Alameda's bonnie shores, but all of his wishing won't change the Association of Bay Area Governments' Projected Immigrant Population Estimate, or ABAGPIPE. According to ABAGPIPE, Alameda must accommodate its fair share of approximately 3,979 additional Scotsmen by 2025.

Sadly, Alameda's record so far is abysmal: It has only managed to house 27% of its fair share of Scotsmen from 1995 to 2005, earning it a grade of "F" from the Bay Area Scottish Council. Some have argued that Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus" is largely to blame.

Many things have changed since "Measure Angus" was passed in 1893. I won't deny that bagpipes are still a concern, but recent innovations in the new field of Tartan-oriented development (TOD) allow the clustering of Scotsmen around so-called Tartan nodes, where a colorful interweaving of different land uses and transportation options allows Scotsmen to board convenient public transport vehicles instead of striding endlessly around the bogs, playing their bagpipes. Here are some photographs that illustrate the exciting TOD concept in action:




These quiet, modern ferries and trains whisk the Scotsmen to their destinations in air-conditioned, sound-insulated comfort. Study after study has shown that Scotsmen living in Tartan-oriented developments own fewer bagpipes per household and play them less often than those living on the sparsely populated heaths commonly known as "Scottish sprawl."

Just a wee modification to "Measure Angus," geographically limited to the peat-friendly area of Alameda Point, would allow for the kind of Tartan-oriented development that will enable Alameda to accommodate its ABAGPIPE fair share of Scotsmen in a way that enriches the whole community while minimizing the perceived impact of bagpiping.

Roy Avery

5:39 a.m.: Plaid Flag Warning Update: After 23 Days of Drought, "Alameda" Fly-Swatter Finally Publishes a News Story about Bagpipes

On Friday, August 31, 2007, the Alameda Fly-Swatter published one news story about Bagpipes, which they have since removed from their interweb site and are now shamefully charging people money to view. During the subsequent 21 days, the Fly-Swatter published no news stories about Bagpipes. The paper's drought of Bagpipe news ended with one Bagpipe news story published in its September 22 edition. The tardy "Alameda" Fly-Swatter's story recounts a tragic incident in which over 100 people were trapped in a room and subjected to the unspeakable torture of Bagpipe music. Sadly, no-one emerged from that chamber of horrors unscathed.

No newspaper worthy of the word "Alameda" in its masthead would neglect its duty to inform Alamedans of the Tartan threat for so long. So great was this misdeed that the Alameda Daily Noose and I have devoted the past 11 days to an unprecedented extended tut-tut-tutting, culminating with today's final devastating tch-tch-tch!

Lon Geddoff Fails to Appreciate Our Fair and Balanced Squirrel and Bagpipe Coverage

Editor,

I realize that we don't need any more Bagpipes in this town, especially not in my neighborhood, but why is the Alameda Daily Noose publishing so many stories about the lack of Bagpipe stories in other newspapers, while completely ignoring the Squirrel Threat? Why, it's been a whole week since you've printed anything about those acorn-scarfing trouble-makers. Whenever I'm not looking, I'm sure they are out in my yard, destroying my Kentucky Bluegrass. How are right-thinking Alamedans supposed to keep up with developments in the Squirrel Problem if you're not reporting on it? Would you stop droning on about the Bagpipes for long enough to give some attention to the real issues affecting my property value, like Squirrels and people regularly parking in front of my house?

Lon Geddoff

Editor's Comments: Lon Geddoff used to understand just how unbiased we are—he even told us so himself—but suddenly he fails to appreciate our Fair and Balanced coverage of the twin threats facing Alameda today, Squirrels and Bagpipes. Lon should be praising the yeoman service we perform for this town, day in and day out, instead of nitpicking about our perceived lack of Squirrel coverage. The Alameda Daily Noose and I will publish an item on Squirrels when we're darned good and ready, not when some armchair editor tells us to. As the great noosepaper publisher Paul Masson famously said, "We will print no whine before its time!"

Reader Connects Dots to Reveal Deadly Triangle

Editor,

I have noticed your publication has been not necessarily obsessed with, but rather focused on Squirrels and Robots of late, with nary a mention of the ever-present threat posed by Bagpipes. Right-thinking Alamedans around the world thank you for your pioneering work on the link between Robots and Squirrels, as well as your earlier reportage on the complex relationship between Squirrels and Bagpipes. However, it appears that you have overlooked the crucial third side of this Sciurine-Scotian-Robotic Triangle of Death: the Bagpipe-Robot connection!



A vacationing friend of mine used his "Eye Phone" to shoot this shocking footage on the streets of another city that, thank God, is not Alameda…yet. It's all too clear that Robot Bagpipers are capable of unleashing sonic mayhem at speeds and volumes no human—or even Scotsman—could produce. Don't let our Evil Robot Mayor's apparent change of heart on the Secret Robot Base issue fool you. Just imagine what havoc her leagues of Robot minions could wreak upon our Treasured Isle if they were retrofitted with these fearsome mechanical Bagpipes!

Drake Census

Dave Williamson tears Roy Avery a rhetorical new one

Rog,

There he goes again. Roy Avery tries to play sweet and innocent, claiming that he only wants a "wee" modification to Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus," just for Alameda Point. Well, that is just the camel's nose under the kilt! Make one "wee" exception and pretty soon every Scotsman in Alameda will be asking for his own peat bog, and taking it all the way the Supreme Court!

Furthermore, I just snapped a picture that proves that so-called Tartan-oriented development is nothing but a pipe dream...a bagpipe dream, that is! Sure, Roy Avery would have us believe that Scotsmen are going to leave their bagpipes at home and take public transit, but he neglects to mention that only 30% of Scotsmen will ever take quote-unquote transit. That means 70% will drive their cars, and, as my photo clearly shows, they will all demand special bagpiper parking places! And I don't even have to tell you what kind of horrible effect a drive-by piping can have on The Children.


You know what? I would not be surprised at all if the white car in the photo belonged to none other than Roy Avery! Yes, he claims to be a big so-called transit advocate, but then he puts his bagpipes in the trunk of his automobile, which I'm 100% certain he drives to work every day! You don't see him trying to fit those bagpipes into the basket of his bicycle, do you? Roy Avery is just like all of the other people who are out to destroy "Measure Angus." What a bunch of hypocrites!

Oh, and did I mention that Alameda is an island? Study after study, including an extensive survey conducted by the prestigious Royal Board of Ordnance, has shown that Scotland is most certainly not an island. That means quote-unquote Tartan-oriented can never work here. I rest my case.

Dave Williamson

5:27 a.m.: Plaid Flag Warning Update: No Bagpipe News Stories for Last 12 Days in "Alameda" Fly-Swatter

On Friday, August 31, 2007, the Alameda Fly-Swatter published one news story about Bagpipes. During the subsequent 14 days, the Fly-Swatter has published no news stories about Bagpipes. Any Alameda daily news publication that downplays the Bagpipe threat and fails to lavish sufficient praise on Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus" has not earned the right to use the word "Alameda" in its name. Tch, tch, tch!

How Right Is Your Thinking? Take the Alameda Daily Noosiversary Quiz!

Today, the celebration of the beginning of our Interweb archiving continues with our Alameda Daily Noosiversary quiz. A special prize will go to the Right-Thinking Alamedan with the highest score. Of course, all of our loyal readers should be able to answer the following questions with perfect accuracy, so we will draw a random name from among those whose answers are 100% correct.

1. The best restaurant in town is:

a. Ole's Gruel and Hardtack Hovel
b. Gym's Coffee Clutch
c. either of the Wienerschnitzel fine German dining establishments
d. the Rusty Scupper Family Seafood Restaurant on the Alameda Riviera

2. The one thing that protects our high quality of life in Alameda is:

a. Measure Acorn
b. Measure Angus
c. the Alameda Daily Noose and I
d. all of the above

3. Anyone who manages to get elected to public office in this town must, by definition, be:

a. an idiot
b. too clever to be trusted
c. in the Developer's Pocket
d. all of the above

4. The only place to buy groceries in Alameda is:

a. the enormous new Safeway
b. Lucky, which the Alameda Daily Noose and I never called "Albertson's"
c. that hippie grocery store where you can buy prunes in bulk
d. Dusty Shelves Market

5. Traffic in Alameda is:

a. as bad as it was when the base was open
b. worse than Manhattan, Mexico City, and Bangkok combined
c. not my fault, because I have to drive
d. all of the above

6. The only good Bagpipe is:

a. one fighting with a Squirrel
b. locked safely in a closet thanks to school funding cuts
c. close to convenient mass transit in a Tartan-Oriented Development "node" with a large concentration of other Bagpipes
d. a dead Bagpipe

7. The Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates is all the fault of:

a. Squirrels
b. people who don't even live in Alameda
c. the Mayor
d. all of the above

8. The Alameda Daily Noose's 2,000th interweb visitor resides in:

a. Alameda
b. Brazil
c. China
d. definitely China; the Alameda Daily Noose and I know this for a fact

9. Next to Squirrels and Bagpipes, the greatest threat known to Alameda is:

a. John Knox White
b. so-called traffic calming devices
c. people regularly parking in front of my house
d. all of the above

10. The best number of questions to ask in a soon-to-be-award-winning quiz is:

a. 165
b. 9
c. 26
d. 10

Submit your Right-Thinking answers by jotting them on an otherwise useless issue of the Alameda Fish Wrap "newspaper" and slipping it under the door of Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters. Or, for the technolo-savvy reader, type your answers into a gee-whiz mail message addressed to rogergrumbel@gmail.com and hit the "send" dingus. All answers must be received by 5:00 p.m. on March 31st, 2008, in order to qualify.

When Evil Red Squirrels Battle Evil Scottish Developers, Just Whose Side is a Right-Thinking Alamedan Supposed to Take?

Once again, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have scooped all of the other major news media by being the first to report—well, OK, the first to report in a soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper—that the exodus of Squirrels from Alameda is causing confusing repercussions around the globe. Apparently, a group of Sciurine Communists has single-pawedly stopped an entire housing development in the weak, Squirrel-coddling nation of Scotland.

The backward island nation of Scotland, which lacks both Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" and Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus," is defenseless not only against Squirrels but also against Bagpipes. Paradoxically, by allowing Squirrels to get the upper paw, Scotland has actually prevented the construction of more high-density housing for Scotsmen, which, as all Right-Thinking Alamedans know, leads inevitably to a plague of Bagpipes.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are used to sharp distinctions and easy answers. We find it extremely disturbing that we are unsure whether we should root for the Evil Communist Squirrels for battling the scourge of Tartan-oriented development, or applaud the Evil Developers for plotting to destroy the secret bases or "dreys" of the Evil Squirrels. Our uneasiness is proof that there is something terribly, terribly wrong with the country of Scotland, and only reinforces our belief that "Measure Angus"—together with "Measure Acorn"—is the only thing that can save our Treasured Island.

5:34 a.m.: Plaid Flag Warning Update: No Bagpipe News Stories for Last 9 Days in "Alameda" Fly-Swatter

On Friday, August 31, 2007, the Alameda Fly-Swatter published one news story about Bagpipes. During the subsequent 9 days, the Fly-Swatter has published no news stories about Bagpipes. How long will the Fly-Swatter drone on about unimportant issues while the drama of the growing Bagpipe threat plays out all around us? Any so-called newspaper that does not understand that Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus" is the only thing that makes our town worth living in has no right to put the word "Alameda" on its masthead. Shame!

Sean Knocks Wight

Editor,

As I'm sure your readers already know, Alameda is the greatest island in the world. I recently vacationed on another island, the Isle of Wight, and let me tell you, there is no comparison. Although the Isle of Wight, much like Alameda, is an island famous for its grand Victorians, including Alfred Lord Tennyson and Princess Beatrice, such assets are overshadowed by the many problems afflicting Wight.

For starters, there are way too many tourists there. We should be glad that Alameda doesn't attract outsiders at that rate. Even the lack of bridges doesn't seem to keep them away from the Isle of Wight!

But it gets worse. Inhabitants of the Isle of Wight not only play Bagpipes, they also produce them. Can you imagine what the Bagpipe traffic on our streets would be like if Alameda allowed that kind of commercial activity?

And of course, wherever there are bagpipes, you will also find Squirrels. Amazingly, people on the Isle of Wight not only allow this dangerous state of affairs to continue, they actively encourage growth of the Squirrel population! As you can see in my vacation photo above, I spent my entire trip in fear of running afoul of one of Wight's notorious Red Squirrels. I never saw one, but I'm not sure that they didn't see me. I can only hope that none of those bushy-tailed terrorists followed me home to Alameda.

Oh, it's so good to be back. I wouldn't recommend the Isle of Wight as a vacation spot for any Alamedan, unless maybe that guy who runs the Transport Ministry - I can never remember his name. Of course, if people like him had had their way, they would probably have knocked down all of the grand Victorians and replaced them with high-density housing, thus depriving English literature of one of its greatest poets and, more tragically, making Wight's woeful traffic even worse.

Sean O'Doherty

Paper nobody reads offers cautionary tale for Alameda

Editor,

I opened up this Sunday's San Francisco Chronicle, and I just had to share what I saw with the readers of your noosepaper, the circulation of which I'm sure is a hundred times larger than that of the so-called Chronicle. (I know you must have had some technical problems over the weekend, because it's not possible that the quote-unquote Chronicle scooped you on this story.)

Anyway, this Sunday's shocking exposé documented the sub-human conditions that have resulted from an overpopulation of Scotsmen in San Francisco. The overcrowding is so severe that it has forced elderly Scotsmen to practice their bagpipes in the dank, haggis-infested cellars of local businesses!

These horrible scenes, many of which stretch the boundaries of what is printable in a family noosepaper, take place every day on what most people agree is a peninsula. Alameda, on the other hand, is an island! Can you imagine what the situation would be with our limited ingress and egress of Scotsmen? I'll spare you the gory details, but let's just say it involves bumper-to-bumper bagpipes backed up all the way to Buena Vista. Think of The Children!

San Francisco doesn't have Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus," and look what a God-forsaken Hell-hole it has become. Everybody needs to remember that Alameda is not San Francisco. Keep "Measure Angus"!

Jack Delinger

Reader Rattled by Deafening Silence on a Critical Issue

Editor,

Alameda's problems are getting worse and worse. Our skies are constantly choked with bumper-to-bumper Zeppelin traffic, Bagpipes are proliferating at rates far exceeding government safety standards, and those kids these days are getting more and more carried away competing with each other to show off the most irritating car stereos.

Why hasn't there been more complaining about these problems? Is every Right-Thinking Alamedan asleep at the switch that could turn off these "boom car" sound systems? I thought Tim Gubitnik was going to start a crusade against noise in general, and "boom cars" in particular. Instead, all I see in the Noose is complaints about Squirrels and graffiti. I don't see how graffiti is anywhere near as important as "boom cars," because graffiti never wakes me up at night, no matter how loud the colors are.

There hasn't been any good complaining about "boom cars" in this noosepaper for almost two years now! I can't always be the one complaining about these things. Other people have to step up with the grumpy letters. Why, I haven't even personally been woken up by a "boom car" for weeks, maybe because the cement and razor wire street barricades I put up in front of my house are making a difference. Sure, they make it hard for me to drive just about anywhere, but I don't have to worry about anyone parking in front of my house, either.

Still, I know that somewhere out there, someone is being irritated by ever bigger and badder arrays of massive speaker sets on wheels. It's pretty hard for me to get up a good rant about them when they don't even come down my street, so somebody else needs to pick up the slack and get cracking with the complaints. What is this town coming to, anyway?

Lon Geddoff

Political Bumper Stickers All Over Alameda

Editor,

I have been noticing, and photographing, a number of bumper stickers on the backs of cars as I drive around town. I thought that I would contribute my photographs to give you sense of what is on people's minds — and, by extension, their cars.

As you can see, not all people who drive cars are Right-Thinking Alamedans! While I was proud to find myself behind Ms. "Happiness is being grumpy", I had to resist the urge to rear-end the "I brake for greedy developers" and "Honk if you [heart] Bagpipes" cars.

I was particularly pleased to see a fan of the Alameda Daily Noose, as the last picture shows.

I will keep my eyes out for more bumper stickers and send them in, if you would like.

Warmest Regards,

Len Salchek