Scoop! of Campus Chaos: Squirrels Continue to Terrorize Hallowed Halls of Academia

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were thrilled that Right-Thinking Alamedan Herb Albert has once again taken time out from his busy touring schedule with his Tijuana Brass Band to send us the following "Gee mail" dispatch from the Collegiate Front of the Global War on Squirrels:

From: marc albert
Sent: Tuesday, November 25, 2008 10:20 AM
To: Roger Grumbel
Subject: UC Eggheads join Global War on Squirrels

UC Davis under the Iron Heel of relentless organized squirrel attacks...Squirrels have attacked campus food supplies, and staged damaging suicide attacks against command and control centers by sabotaging electrical power systems. Wake UP America!

http://www.news.ucdavis.edu/search/news_detail.lasso?id=8845

excerpt:

"In seven years, we went from having no eastern fox squirrels on the campus to having more than 400, and there is currently no sign that their reproduction is slowing down," Krause said this week.

"This is an introduced species that has demonstrated elsewhere that it is prolific, adaptable, invasive and problematic for many reasons."

Krause, who earned a bachelor of science degree in natural resources at Cornell University (another campus well-populated with tree squirrels), said the squirrels' impacts could include:

* Injuries to people: More and more eastern fox squirrels are approaching students on the Quad and at Lake Spafford. No one here has been hurt yet. But in other communities, squirrels have become aggressive food-snatchers, especially from children, and people have been scratched and bitten.

* Competition with native plants and animals: Eastern fox squirrels eat the same foods, such as oak acorns, as native gray squirrels and native birds. Fox squirrels also eat bird eggs and baby birds.

* Damage to teaching plant collections: For example, fox squirrels have begun chewing the bark of redwood trees in the UC Davis Arboretum. Bark damage can weaken and even kill a tree.

* Damage to campus facilities: Fox squirrels have entered campus buildings. Like rats, they have an affinity for chewing on electric wires. On other university campuses, they have crashed the power supply.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I can only hope that the College of Alameda will take this lesson to heart, and start treating the Sciurine Threat seriously. Certainly, it makes little difference whether the various Squirrel factions such as "fox" and "gray" compete with each other for the same resources, and they are all welcome to damage each other's strategic tree outposts as much as they please, but the other trends mentioned in this dispatch are alarming.

Note that the Squirrels seem to concentrate their destructive effort on the young of whatever species they target, for example, snatching food "especially from children." The Alameda Daily Noose and I fear that it may not end there. We were particularly disturbed by the reference to Squirrels having developed a taste for eggs, and even baby birds. Today, it may be baby birds, but before we know it, it could be baby humans!

College Kids Hail Avian Hero in Global War on Squirrels

Last week, the Alameda Daily Noose and I had the honor of receiving yet another gee-mail message from none other than Marc Albert of Tijuana Brass Band fame:

From: marc albert
Sent: Thursday, November 15, 2007 1:48 PM
To: Roger Grumbel
Subject: Alameda's savior

Perhaps all the local peaceniks can be pushed aside. What we need to save Alameda is a real hawk for our War on Squirrels

http://media.www.thelantern.com/media/storage/paper333/news/2007/11/13/Campus/South.OvalKill-3097245.shtml

Apparently, an entire college campus somewhere in Ohio, which the Alameda Daily Noose and I understand is a Midwestern state famous for its potatoes, was being terrorized by a Squirrel that, no doubt due to exposure to gamma radiation in one of the institution's research labs, had mutated into some kind of hideous genetic freak. Thankfully, the beast's reign of terror was cut short by a true avian hero, an ordinary hawk that somehow managed to fell the monster, as shown in the exclusive Alameda Daily Noose photo above. Immediately after the incident, there was a great outpouring of support from the student body, as documented on one of those so-called My-Face pages on the interwebs that the kids today are so fond of.

On behalf of our grateful readers the Alameda Daily Noose and I thank you, Mr. Albert, for taking time out from your illustrious musical career to inform us of this great victory in the Global War on Squirrels.

Scoop! of Utmost Secrecy: Squirrelist Training Camp

Rog,

US Army Rangers Photograph taken during recent incursion into Pakistan

--

Editor's Comments:

The letter above arrived not through our preferred method of delivery (carrier pigeon), but rather through "gee-mail." Although it would appear to the untrained, non-interweb-savvy eye that the author did not sign his missive, the Alameda Daily Noose and I did a little highly technical investigation and we can report with confidence that the message came from none other than Mr. Herb Albert of Tijuana Brass Band fame. Clearly, he's concerned that his celebrity status might detract from the seriousness of his dispatch from the front lines of the Global War on Squirrels, which is why we've decided to keep his identity a secret. We're only sorry that we can't wish him good luck on his tour of rural Alameda and, apparently, rural Pakistan. Once he and his band give those Pakistani Squirrels a little taste of honey, so to speak, they won't stand a chance!

Of course, we expect our loyal readers to be discreet, and not go spreading this information around willy-nilly via gee-mail, the interweb, pigeon, or what have you. The above image, in particular, could cause a panic if it were to circulate widely. Such delicate matters are best handled by professional journalists, who can avoid tipping off the Squirrels to the intelligence that has been gathered in conjunction with the Army Rangers' Special Operation "I Can Has Cheezburger," (a confusing yet deliciously secretive code name if we've ever heard one). So please, Right-Thinking Alamedans, if you know any folks who are still ignorant of the Squirrel threat, let them ease into it. Just tell them to put on some of those interweb "goggles" that everyone's talking about and type in "Global War on Squirrels" or "World's Greatest Noosepaper," and they will soon see the light.

Alameda Remembers Those Who Served Bravely

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are proud to salute local veterans of the many wars that have been fought on Alameda soil. Many triumphant survivors of those wars have long since gone to their final resting places, as with those noble freedom fighters who liberated the island from the tyranny of King George III, and those who answered the call to duty after a Berkeley anarchist with numerous shady ties to Squirrels assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Albany, touching off the Great War. Other veterans are just now passing the torch to the next generation of brave men and women who work tirelessly to preserve our Alamedan quality of life in our biggest current conflict. We are referring, of course, to our fine young troops in the Global War on Squirrels.

Just thinking about the selfless sacrifices that Alamedans have made to keep us safe from the Sciurine Menace brings a tear to our eyes. Soldiers in the Global War on Squirrels are not only among Alameda's greatest, but also our smallest. There may be Alamedans serving in other wars around the world, but here in Alameda, we know which fight is the most important one. Hats off to you, Squirrel fighters!

The Squirrels Speak! Is the World Listening?

Dear Roger,

Over the weekend, I found a web [sic] site that could finally give Alamedans a leg up in the Global War on Squirrels. This site actually lets people chat live with a Squirrel!

This morning, I decided to probe the mind of the Squirrel to find out what its diabolical plans are. The transcription follows:

 Q:  What are your plans for Alameda?
 A:  My purpose is to become smarter
     than humans and immortal.

 Q:  What do squirrels think of
     Measure Acorn?
 A:  They do their own thing.

 Q:  Why are squirrels trying to
     take over Alameda?
 A:  Well, it all comes back to
     squirrel world domination now,
     doesn't it?

 Q:  Are squirrels smarter than
     humans?
 A:  I really couldn't say for sure.

 Q:  Do you support John McCain or
     Barack Obama?
 A:  I am in favor of all records
     being broken, at any time.

 Q:  Is Alameda the global
     headquarters of the squirrel
     domination movement?
 A:  I think so, but I'm not sure.
     Ask Lucy if it is.

 Q:  Who is Lucy?
 A:  She is a chat robot based on
     AIML.

 Q:  So it's not just squirrels we
     have to fear, it's robots?
 A:  Ahem. That seems a bit
     negative. Really. It is?

 Q:  Do you read the Daily Noose?
 A:  I read it from time to time.

There you have it -- not only are Squirrels working on immortality, they are reading the Noose to find out what "the other side" is thinking! I urge Alamedans to utilize this vital intelligence-gathering tool.

Imelda Jackson-Perge

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I thank Miss Pepperjack-Purge for her submission, but we would like to point out that we scooped all of the other major news media by alerting Alameda to the threat of Robo-Squirrels way back on May 6, 2008. We are not sure what to make of the fact that the Squirrels are reading our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper "from time to time." Although we hate Squirrels with every fiber—not to mention all of the bran—of our being, we also love to see our Interweb site's hit count rise. Maybe we'll have to place those pesky Squirrels in the same category as "Spam Boughts."

Endorsements by Alameda Daily Noose & Roger Grumbel

President: Mike Huckleberry

**************************************************

Vice-President: Heidi Wilson

**************************************************

Yesterday's letter from a Mr. Leonard Putkin Obama threw Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters into a tizzy. The Alameda Daily Noose and I had grown so cynical and disillusioned about presidential politics that we could hardly muster a tch-tch-tch, to say nothing of an endorsement. All of that changed forever, though, when we opened our hearts and heard Mr. Obama's message of hope.

After a hastily convened editorial conference in front of our bathroom mirror, the Alameda Daily Noose and Roger Grumbel together decided to embrace a new hope for Alameda's future by endorsing presidential candidate Mike Hucklebee.

The incredible story of Mike Hucklebee is the story of Alameda, the story of you and me. His mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.

After teaching himself the three R's—Ranting, Raving, and Right Thinking—in the humble one-room school he fashioned from rolled-up copies of worthless local newspapers, a young Mike Huckleberry donned diving gear and floated down the Mississippi River on a raft. His literary account of his boyhood adventures, Huckleberry's Fins, continues to thrill the children of Alameda to this day.

Fresh out of medical school, Mr. Huxtable met the love of his life, Janet, and in 1984, they settled down to raise a family in a ground-breaking and award-winning television comedy series. The day-to-day family life of Mike, Janet, and their four children, John, Mark, David, and Sarah, delighted audiences throughout Alameda and became a touchstone for a decade.

Once the children went off to college and the show went into reruns, Mr. Huxley wrote his first novel, Brave New World, about how wonderful life in Alameda will be once we are finally rid of the twin plagues of Squirrels and Bagpipes: Everyone is happy all the time, and nobody parks in front of anybody else's house.

As Mr. Obama's letter pointed out, the thing that sets Mr. Huckleberry apart from all of the other presidential candidates is that he is truly a hawk in the Global War on Squirrels. He doesn't just talk tough on Squirrels; he eats them for breakfast…literally!

Sure, other candidates like Fred Thompson and Mike Gravel may seem exciting, but the hard truth is that all of them—young and old, liberal and conservative, Democrat, Republican, and Independent—are Soft on Squirrels. We are at war, and we can't afford to elect a lily-livered president whose quaking finger might slip off of that big red button. For Mr. Hucklebee, on the other hand, the task will be no more difficult than frying up a mess o' Squirrels in the popcorn popper.

For vice-president, the Alameda Daily Noose and I heartily endorse Heidi Wilson, the only other person on the national scene who actually has a plan to save Alameda from the sciurine threat. Like most candidates, especially those who aren't officially in the race yet, Miss Wilson has not gone into great detail on her plan…but suffice it to say that it involves delicious melted cheese.

Miss Wilson, the Alameda Daily Noose and I hereby implore you to throw your hunting cap into the ring. You and Mr. Huckleberry will make an unstoppable ticket, and once you have triumphed this November, we will hardly be able to wait for the inaugural banquet!

Burn, Baby, Burn, It's a Squirrely Inferno

The Alameda Daily Noose and I interrupt our regularly scheduled hippie-dippy environmentalist column to bring you this urgent dispatch from the front lines of the Global War on Squirrels. Yesterday we received the following "gee-mail" from a mysterious pseudonymous source:

From: Secret Squirrel Lover
Sent: Wednesday, September 02, 2009 1:06 PM
To: Mr Noose
Subject: SFGate: Clumsy squirrel sparks fire near Rossmoor


See? They *are* taking over the world. We may be next.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This article was sent to you by someone who found it on SFGate.
The original article can be found on SFGate.com here:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2009/09/02/BALM19HG96.DTL
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday, September 2, 2009 (SF Chronicle)
Clumsy squirrel sparks fire near Rossmoor
Henry K. Lee, Chronicle Staff Writer


(09-02) 12:11 PDT WALNUT CREEK -- A squirrel that became entangled in a power line apparently sparked a wildfire today near the senior residential community of Rossmoor, authorities said.
The two-alarm blaze was reported shortly before 9:30 a.m. in a remote canyon in the hills near Rossmoor on the border between Walnut Creek and Lafayette, said Emily Hopkins, spokeswoman for the Contra Costa County Fire Protection District.
Firefighters contained the blaze, located off a fire trail near Ptarmigan Drive, within an hour. Two firefighters were injured; one suffered an ankle injury and the other a knee injury, Hopkins said.
No evacuations were ordered, and the fire didn't threaten any homes, authorities said.
An undetermined number of Pacific Gas and Electric Co. customers lost their electricity when the squirrel became caught in the power line, authorities said.
The squirrel died, Hopkins said.

E-mail Henry K. Lee at hlee@sfchronicle.com. ---------------------------------
-------------------------------------
Copyright 2009 SF Chronicle

Editor's Comments:

First of all, the fact that this missive is addressed to the Alameda Daily Noose but not to me is a bit suspicious. Here at Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters, most of the mail is addressed to me, which is only natural given that the Alameda Daily Noose and I agreed a long time ago that it was only fair that I should always receive top billing. The really fishy—or, should we say, Squirrely—thing is the author's pseudonym, "Secret Squirrel Lover." Why would a self-professed Squirrel-hugger provide useful dispatches to a sworn enemy? Could this message actually be intended as a warning shot across Alameda's bow? Perhaps there is a trace of triumphant glee in the observation that "we may be next."

The Alameda Daily Noose and I treat such threats very seriously. Astute readers will note that the suicide attack Squirrel in the story cut the power of an unspecified number of victims who might well have been followers of the Alameda Daily Noose. Without access to the valiant, independent voice of the Noose, alone in its tireless reporting on the Global War on Squirrels, how can the rest of the world hope to survive the coming Squirrely inferno?

Movie Provides Exciting New Strategy in Global War on Squirrels

Dear Editor,

As a right-thinking Alamedan, I am, of course, firmly opposed to Squirrels and the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. However, I recently found out about a new film that might give fresh ammunition to the anti-Squirrel forces here in town.

I refer, of course, to "Hot Tub Time Machine." I happened to see a poster for this upcoming feature and noticed that it had a Squirrel, along with several popular Hollywood actors. At first, I was outraged, figuring that this would be yet another Tinseltown picture glamorizing the scuirine menace, in the tradition of the Nutty Squirrels and Rocky the Flying Squirrel. However, a little Internet research proved that this movie might just help humans win the war on Squirrels once and for all!

According to an Australian review, "Hot Tub Time Machine" includes "a wince-inducing projectile vomiting scene in which a squirrel gets plastered and knocked off a ledge." I am not sure if the author means that the Squirrel in the movie drinks to excess, or that one of the human characters vomits on the vile creature. The review notes that "the squirrel lives," but since Alamedans are the best at everything, including projectile vomiting, I have no doubt that we can borrow this cinematic strategy to help rid our island of Squirrels. I can tell you that when this movie opens, I'll be in the front row of the theater, taking notes!

Edith M. Rigiro

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland Expresses Outrage over Squirrel Coverage

Rog,

I have been fuming ever since I read your article about Squirrel self-defense classes on Friday. Thanks for ruining the weekend for me and my family!

Don't get me wrong, the Alameda Daily Noose and all of the other major news media need to pay more attention to Squirrel-related violence, but your failure to mention Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" was an affront to right-thinking Alamedans around the world. I'm sure Mr. Risa's karate chop packs a mean wallop, but everyone knows that "Measure Acorn" is, was and always will be our FIRST line of defense against Squirrels. Biased coverage like this just plays into the hands of the shills for Big Arborist who try to downplay the importance of "Measure Acorn" in limiting Squirrels.

Another shameful tactic of Squirrel apologists is to claim that Squirrels are cute and harmless. DON'T BELIEVE IT FOR A SECOND! Some people have accused me of being paranoid, but now I have proof that all Squirrels are agents of evil. Just this week, 14 Squirrels were arrested and held on espionage charges in the Middle East:

http://worldblog.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2007/07/20/280529.aspx

So far nobody has figured out who employed these Squirrel secret agents, but that's only because those incompetent investigators haven't bothered to ask any right-thinking Alamedans. We know that those bushy-tailed terrorists are the agents of none other than Big Arborist!

So, the next time you see a Squirrel in the park creeping closer and closer, constantly giving you the Beady Eye of Evil, remember: He's not some cute critter begging for a treat, he's SPYING ON YOU and reporting everything back to his puppet masters at Big Arborist!

Keep "Measure Acorn." It's our only hope for victory in the Global War on Squirrels.

Donald Kirkland

Brenda Snook is Completely Wrong, Except For Part About Alameda Daily Noose's Value to the Community

Rog,

I wanted you to know that I agree with what you said about some of those people out there who seem to have an unhealthy obsession with Squirrels. However, as a frequent reader, I couldn't help noticing that the Alameda Daily Noose seems to be in danger of falling into that same trap. Do you realize that you've been running Squirrel stories for the past four days in a row now (not counting the weekend, of course).

Aren't you worried that if Right-Thinking Alamedans read too much about Squirrels they might start to understand and even sympathize with them? As important as it is to make everyone aware of the Squirrel threat, I'm afraid you may have crossed the line into too much Squirrel coverage. Please, step back from the edge of that abyss before it's too late. The Alameda Daily Noose is far too valuable a resource in our community. I don't want to see it fall to friendly fire in the Global War on Squirrels.

Concerned Citizen Brenda Snook

Editor's Comments:

Brenda Snook clearly doesn't know what she is talking about. The Alameda Daily Noose and I run plenty of stories about things other than Squirrels. Miss Snook must not read carefully enough to realize that. As Tom Paine—or was it Tom Petty?—once said, it is "the height of the folly of ridiculousness" to suggest that we could be susceptible to wasting as much time on Squirrels as those nutty researchers and unrealistic "rehabilitators" who seem to think that being a Squirrel is not necessarily cause for punishment. The Alameda Daily Noose and I can't help it that there has been an alarming amount of Squirrel activity lately, on which it was our duty to report.

Dave Williamson Wants Spy Squirrel Prosecuted for War Crimes

Rog,

I snapped a picture of this Squirrel in front of my house, and as you can see, it had just finished snapping a picture of its own! I'm sure that my house number was visible in the photo. The Squirrel was clearly spying on me. Everyone knows that Squirrels are acting as spies, as reported in the Alameda Daily Noose and the other major news media. It is clear that the Squirrels discriminate against me because I am a Cal fan. Everyone knows that Squirrels have a longstanding relationship with Stanford, and were extremely influential in establishing that team's arboreal mascot.

Can I expect Squirrels to sneak into my front yard in the middle of the night and bury acorns that will grow into massive, property value destroying trees?

Ah, but who indeed, are the ones behind this shady activity. There is plenty of evidence to suggest that this is the work of Big Arborist. I don't actually have any of this evidence, so the City Council needs to investigate this. Perhaps the Alameda Secret Police even need to investigate this as a war crime. After all, everyone knows that Alameda is the front line in the Global War on Squirrels.

Dave Williamson

Anonymous Reader Attacks Parody

Editor,

Can you believe this vicious attack video about vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin that is circulating on the internet [sic]? What did she ever do to deserve such blatant parody?

Anonymously Yours,
Anonymous

Editor's comments:

It is reprehensible that anyone would take Miss Governor Palin's own words out of context in a futile attempt to make her look foolish. The T.V. "comedians" responsible for this insult are not fit to de-fuzz and roast the many Squirrels that she must serve up every day in her noble defense of Alameda. That less-than-intelligent T.V. show simply mocks everything, which makes all of their sketches meaningless.

Everyone in the media ought to be showing deference to Miss Palin, the mighty huntress whose Alaska home is a bastion against those Red Squirrels lurking so dangerously close to Alameda's very narrow maritime borders. There's nothing "funny" about that.

Miss Palin, the Alameda Daily Noose and I recommend that, in order to prevent such ignoble attacks on your character in the future, you keep tight control of all existing videos of your interviews and other appearances. No-one should be allowed to see them unless you yourself choose to share some of the highlights with a close group of supporters, perhaps on a local cable access channel.

And whatever you do, Miss Governor Palin, don't give up on convincing your running mate, what's-his-name, of the imminent threat that Squirrels present. The fate of Alameda depends on you winning this election, and ending the Global War on Squirrels once and for all!

Local Genius Puts Two and Two Together to Reveal Eight-Legged Menace

Dear Editor:

I was reading something on the computer the other day when I ran across this:


Now, unlike most Americans—or even most Alamedans, for that matter—I'm a genius, so I had no problem figuring out what's going on in the shocking photo above. I know that you will understand in a glance, but I'll spell it out for those of your readers who weren't lucky enough to be born geniuses like us.

Most Alamedans get the question wrong because they can't think outside the box the way we geniuses do. "Spider Or Squirrel"? That's a classic example of what logisticians call a false dicotyledon. Clearly, what's pictured isn't a Spider or a Squirrel, but rather a Spider and a Squirrel!

Yes, Spiders and Squirrels are one and the same. I haven't quite worked out all the details yet, but either Spiders are Squirrels in disguise, or Squirrels are Spiders in disguise. Think about it: When is the last time you saw a Spider and a Squirrel in the same room together? Coincidence? I think not.

Like all of the revolutionary discoveries of geniuses, my Spider-Squirrel hypothesis has been greeted by derisive laughter, first from my wife and kids, then from the guys at work, then from the lady at the lunch counter. I find this highly encouraging, because we all know that the more people laugh at your idea, the more ingenious it must be. We'll see how hard they're laughing when I take that all-expenses-paid trip to Finland to receive my Noble prize in zoo-ology.

At any rate, now that I have uncovered the Spider-Squirrel connection, it would behoove you to look more closely into the potentially subversive activities of that hippie-dippy environmental columnist who writes for you. When she's singing the praises of Spiders, does she realize that she is both undermining Measure Acorn and giving comfort to the enemy in the Global War on Squirrels? I call upon you to conduct a full investigation and immediately terminate her column once you find her guilty as charged.

Sincerely yours,
Dean Mirps

Editor's Comment:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I aren't sure which college Mr. Mirps is the dean of, but we see his point about the Spider-Squirrel connection. That would explain why Squirrels and Spiders are equally frightening. However, let's not be too hasty in our conclusions about Janet Marchant. Her pet Spider is an exception, because Miss Marchant is above reproach. We know this because we find it handy to have her columns to publish on Fridays, which are notoriously slow noose days. She saves the Alameda Daily Noose and me a lot of effort, and is therefore a trustworthy person. So hats off to you, Miss Marchant, and also to that rare creature, the helpful Spider.

Anti-Squirrel Thanksgiving Menu from Dave Williamson

Rog,

Here is my amusing photo of an anti-Squirrel Thanksgiving turkey. Note the thoroughness with which my visual critique makes the case against Squirrels. I knew you would find it clever, although my wife doesn't seem to understand the complexity of my humor. She doesn't follow the Global War on Squirrels as closely as I do, which must be why she wasn't laughing during the photo shoot.

Well, I'll show those Squirrels. They must think that just because they're cute and make people laugh, they're better than the rest of us. But I can make people laugh, too. In fact, anything Squirrels can do, I can do better! That's why I've stuffed the turkey full of Acorns.

Also on my Thanksgiving menu are Roasted Root-of-All-Evil Vegetables, I Yam an Evil Squirrel and Marsh-Not-Very-Mellow Casserole, Suffering in Alameda Because Squirrels Suck-otash, and Pumped—with Adrenaline for Fighting Squirrels—kin pie.

Dave Williamson

Alamedageddon: This Time, We're Not Just Imagining It!

Sound the alarms! It's official: Squirrels are attempting to undermine Alameda's sacred, tree-limiting Measure Acorn. The Alameda Noose and I have yet to find evidence that Squirrels are the masterminds of this operation, but that is because Squirrels are so notoriously devious and secretive. They often conceal evidence of their activities in hollow trees or buried under garden plants, or in impenetrable 288-page documents that no-one in their Right-Thinking minds would bother to read. As you can see, the Squirrel in the photo above is menacing a collection of potted plants, do doubt attempting to conceal the evidence that potted plants are a sensible alternative to those darned trees that our government keeps trying to force on us.

Yes, there is no doubt in our minds that our so-called City Council was in cahoots with the Squirrels last night when they revealed that plans for the Evil Robot Base at Alameda Point include exempting it from the perfectly sensible restrictions of Measure Acorn! We all know that trees benefit no-one, except for Squirrels. Therefore, last night's announcement is tantamount to a declaration of which side the Council is taking in the Global War on Squirrels!

At this very moment, developer fat cats are at work gathering signatures in an underhanded attempt to put their plans to a vote of the people of Alameda. They know full well that we are all far too easily distracted by glossy mailers to be able to keep straight in our heads that we must support Measure Acorn at all costs! That has been the battle cry of Right-Thinking Alamedans since our treasured Measure was first passed in 1971, and then passed again in 1973.

It won't be easy, but we will have to try to remember that fundamental principle, even in the face of glossy, expensive mailers still redolent with the alluring smell of fresh ink. Be strong, Alamedans, and if the worst comes to pass, refuse to vote! We know that nothing good can come of direct democracy.

Nightmare Becomes Reality: Squirrel-Hugging Secret Scotsman Becomes Our 44th President

Yesterday was a sad day in the Global War on Squirrels. Due to covert interference of the Bushy-Tailed kind in last November's election, the Great Island Nation of Alameda has now lost a golden opportunity to rout the Sciurine menace once and for all. Instead, we have a new president who is even more Soft on Squirrels than the last. The Alameda Daily Noose and I couldn't be bothered to watch the sham of an inauguration that ushered in this new era of Sciurine appeasement. Alameda should have learned its lesson when that sniveling Chamberlain gave Czechoslovakia to the Squirrels in 1938.

We assume that today's inauguration ceremony ended with a procession of Bagpipes, since there is no longer any need for Secret Scotsman Barack Obama to hide his true identity. The Alameda Daily Noose and I had so hoped for a last-minute miracle, perhaps in the form of staunch Squirrel opponent Miss Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin delivering a devastating flying karate kick to the lead Bagpipe, rendering the whole band harmless, and inspiring the grateful crowd to sweep her into the Oval Office on a wave of ecstatic anti-Squirrel and anti-Tartan sentiment.

Unfortunately, as of press time, we have heard no rumors of such activities at the inauguration, and so must assume that we now have a Squirrel-hugger as our president. We can only hope that he will soon stop prattling on about what he is for, so that he can get down to the serious business of telling us what he is against.

Award-Winning Squirrel Is Cause for Concern, Confusion

Washington (AP) October 8 2008

The nation's highest military honor, the Gold Acorn of Freedom, was awarded to Pvt. B. Tail of the newly created Sciuridae Division of the US Armed Forces in this pool photograph released by the Pentagon Wednesday. Pvt. Tail, of the 13th Deciduous Division, 23rd Non-mechanized Powerline Climbing Regiment, II Corps based at the Ansbach garrison in Germany, infiltrated a suspected Taliban base in Afghanistan, and directed ground artillery and airstrikes against the enemy.

The results proved lethal for the enemy squirrels who were then dressed and served to Coalition soldiers from the Ukraine contingent.



Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were cleaning out our mailbag the other day, assuming we would find more new year's accolades, when we discovered the following press release stuck to the bottom of the bag by some kind of reddish viscous substance not unlike barbecue sauce. We would like to apologize on behalf of Marc Alpert of Tijuana Brass Band fame for his sloppy eating habits, which delayed our publication of his latest dispatch from the front lines of the Global War on Squirrels. We must say that we find the subject matter of his report deeply disturbing and not a little confusing. As soon-to-be-award-winning journalists, we fail to understand why a Squirrel should receive any kind of award, and most certainly not before we get what's coming to us. We have often warned that our federal government is dangerously Soft on Squirrels, and this latest development is disheartening evidence of a growing trend. The Alameda Daily Noose and I are rightfully disgusted by such sciurine appeasement. We do like the part about the Squirrel kabobs, though. They look delicious!

Reader Exposes Truck-Driving Squirrel's Plot to Terrorize Parade Spectators

Dear Roger,

Well, great! It's finally happened. The Squirrels have taken Alameda. Though we fought long and hard, it appears their victory is complete. The duller among us have even elevated them to positions of power.

No sooner did I open today's edition of the Alameda Puppy Trainer than I saw this horrifying image (attached). That's right -- the Squirrels are in charge of our recycling! Who better than a varmint to know what to do with trash? They've even made a Squirrel the mascot for our beloved Fourth of July parade!

But it gets much worse:

http://planetalameda.com

That's right - not only are the Squirrels taking over the world, they've also graduated from school! And they're spreading their filthy lies about trees to our children:

http://planetalameda.com/online_activities.html

What's next - mandatory bushy tails? I never thought I'd live to see the day! Woe is us! Woe is us!

Tearfully,
Imelda Jackson-Perge

Editor's Comments:

Although the Alameda Daily Noose and I deeply appreciate Jack Purge's effort to keep Right-Thinking Alamedans informed about the Sciurine Menace, we strenuously object to any suggestion that the Global War on Squirrels has already been lost. This is just the kind of defeatism that one has come to expect from the "blame Alameda first" moonbats on the loony liberal left, who refuse to recognize that the recent "Measure Acorn" surge is having a great effect on levels of Squirrel-related violence.

Squirrel Fanatics Are at It Again

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are flabbergasted. As if real Squirrels were not bad enough, someone actually had the bad judgment to fund researchers who have created mechanical Squirrels, which are sure to run amok and threaten Alameda to an even greater extent than it is already threatened! We thought we had seen some real Squirrel enthusiasts, but this takes the cake.

These people are so obsessed with Squirrels that they are actually trying to communicate with the fidgety little critters. Do they think they're going to negotiate a treaty? I mean, come on! We're talking about one of the most devious, least trustworthy types of creatures in Alameda. To actually talk to one of them would be to admit defeat in the Global War on Squirrels.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are highly suspicious of anyone who would devote such copious time and effort to analyzing the behavior of Squirrels. We don't need to understand them, we just need to defeat them. It's just like when you're invading a country. Every minute spent trying to learn their language, culture, history, and politics is a precious minute that could be spent kicking some enemy butt.

Keep Up with the Latest Squirrel Strategems

As Right-Thinking Alamedans are well aware, the Global War on Squirrels requires all of us to stay on our toes to keep up with the latest strategems of our crafty enemy. We are at constant risk from suicide Squirrels, and we can only hope that the next one will take as few of us with him (or her!) as the unsuccessful one in the Alameda Daily Noose exclusive photo below.

Yes, the image is chilling. To take off that chill, we advise you to read up on anti-Squirrel tactics now, before your own automobile has a run-in with one of these ruthless kamikazes. Thanks to an tip from an astute Alameda Daily Noose reader, we can heartily recommend starting with the book Squirrel Wars by George H. Harrison, perhaps followed by Outwitting Squirrels: 101 Cunning Stratagems to Reduce Dramatically the Egregious Misappropriation of Seed from Your Birdfeeder by Squirrels by Bill Adler, Jr.

Start reading as soon as you can. Both the seed and the safety of Alameda may hang in the balance.