Award-Winning Squirrel Is Cause for Concern, Confusion

Washington (AP) October 8 2008

The nation's highest military honor, the Gold Acorn of Freedom, was awarded to Pvt. B. Tail of the newly created Sciuridae Division of the US Armed Forces in this pool photograph released by the Pentagon Wednesday. Pvt. Tail, of the 13th Deciduous Division, 23rd Non-mechanized Powerline Climbing Regiment, II Corps based at the Ansbach garrison in Germany, infiltrated a suspected Taliban base in Afghanistan, and directed ground artillery and airstrikes against the enemy.

The results proved lethal for the enemy squirrels who were then dressed and served to Coalition soldiers from the Ukraine contingent.



Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were cleaning out our mailbag the other day, assuming we would find more new year's accolades, when we discovered the following press release stuck to the bottom of the bag by some kind of reddish viscous substance not unlike barbecue sauce. We would like to apologize on behalf of Marc Alpert of Tijuana Brass Band fame for his sloppy eating habits, which delayed our publication of his latest dispatch from the front lines of the Global War on Squirrels. We must say that we find the subject matter of his report deeply disturbing and not a little confusing. As soon-to-be-award-winning journalists, we fail to understand why a Squirrel should receive any kind of award, and most certainly not before we get what's coming to us. We have often warned that our federal government is dangerously Soft on Squirrels, and this latest development is disheartening evidence of a growing trend. The Alameda Daily Noose and I are rightfully disgusted by such sciurine appeasement. We do like the part about the Squirrel kabobs, though. They look delicious!