Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Endorsements by Alameda Daily Noose & Roger Grumbel

President: Mike Huckleberry


Vice-President: Heidi Wilson


Yesterday's letter from a Mr. Leonard Putkin Obama threw Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters into a tizzy. The Alameda Daily Noose and I had grown so cynical and disillusioned about presidential politics that we could hardly muster a tch-tch-tch, to say nothing of an endorsement. All of that changed forever, though, when we opened our hearts and heard Mr. Obama's message of hope.

After a hastily convened editorial conference in front of our bathroom mirror, the Alameda Daily Noose and Roger Grumbel together decided to embrace a new hope for Alameda's future by endorsing presidential candidate Mike Hucklebee.

The incredible story of Mike Hucklebee is the story of Alameda, the story of you and me. His mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.

After teaching himself the three R's—Ranting, Raving, and Right Thinking—in the humble one-room school he fashioned from rolled-up copies of worthless local newspapers, a young Mike Huckleberry donned diving gear and floated down the Mississippi River on a raft. His literary account of his boyhood adventures, Huckleberry's Fins, continues to thrill the children of Alameda to this day.

Fresh out of medical school, Mr. Huxtable met the love of his life, Janet, and in 1984, they settled down to raise a family in a ground-breaking and award-winning television comedy series. The day-to-day family life of Mike, Janet, and their four children, John, Mark, David, and Sarah, delighted audiences throughout Alameda and became a touchstone for a decade.

Once the children went off to college and the show went into reruns, Mr. Huxley wrote his first novel, Brave New World, about how wonderful life in Alameda will be once we are finally rid of the twin plagues of Squirrels and Bagpipes: Everyone is happy all the time, and nobody parks in front of anybody else's house.

As Mr. Obama's letter pointed out, the thing that sets Mr. Huckleberry apart from all of the other presidential candidates is that he is truly a hawk in the Global War on Squirrels. He doesn't just talk tough on Squirrels; he eats them for breakfast…literally!

Sure, other candidates like Fred Thompson and Mike Gravel may seem exciting, but the hard truth is that all of them—young and old, liberal and conservative, Democrat, Republican, and Independent—are Soft on Squirrels. We are at war, and we can't afford to elect a lily-livered president whose quaking finger might slip off of that big red button. For Mr. Hucklebee, on the other hand, the task will be no more difficult than frying up a mess o' Squirrels in the popcorn popper.

For vice-president, the Alameda Daily Noose and I heartily endorse Heidi Wilson, the only other person on the national scene who actually has a plan to save Alameda from the sciurine threat. Like most candidates, especially those who aren't officially in the race yet, Miss Wilson has not gone into great detail on her plan…but suffice it to say that it involves delicious melted cheese.

Miss Wilson, the Alameda Daily Noose and I hereby implore you to throw your hunting cap into the ring. You and Mr. Huckleberry will make an unstoppable ticket, and once you have triumphed this November, we will hardly be able to wait for the inaugural banquet!

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