Some Crazy Lady Has the Gall to Ask Silly, Insulting Questions

Editor,

Can you please clarify something for me? I am confused as to which source of Alameda news I love the most, because I am having trouble comparing them. Your noosepaper is not justified on both sides of each column the way that the printed papers are, which makes it look too different from them. On the other hand, I can't seem to make the print papers stay vertical as well as yours does. On the other hand, those print papers are much better for making paper hats. On the other hand, your noosepaper never gets ink on my other hand. How am I supposed to figure out which one I should read?

By the way, do you ever cover Squirrels in your noosepaper?

Perplexedly,
Elsie Eider

Editor's Comments: The Alameda Daily Noose and I are shocked—shocked!—that anyone would claim that our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper is "not justified." We don't have to justify anything to anyone! Everybody knows that the so-called newspapers in this town aren't fit to wrap the fish, line the bird cages, swat the flies, or train the puppies of the Alameda Daily Noose and me. As for Squirrels, we don't just cover them, we bury them…six feet under! We are left to wonder whether or not Mrs. Eider—if that is her real name—even lives in Alameda at all. Shame!