Thursday, February 5, 2009

Berkeley Anarchists Join "Righteous Rebellion" Against Tyrannical Mayoral Proclamation

This is Subcomandante Precious Moments® calling you forth to action, Alamedia!

Our Berkeley-based band of anarchists was searching the web yesterday for organic, free-trade, hypoallergenic black bandanas that will not be inflammatory on long marches, when we happened across this notice of the cruel abuses inflicted upon you by your so-called government.

Your Mayor Johanson is supporting that group of kitten and puppy fanatics by approving their shameless proclamation. Well, anyone capable of connecting the dots can see that the Feline And Canine Infant Support Trust is nothing other than a FACIST organization! This is how our viciously capitalistic representative democracy keeps us all down. It's just like when they try to make us pay to park our parents' BMW's in front of our own dorms. They are always trying to tell us what to do, but we noble anarchists are here to tell you not to do what anyone tells you to do!

In solidarity with your fight against oppressively cute kittens and puppies, we used our iPhones to get driving directions to the Pets, Inc. pet store at the Country Periphery shopping center, over at the corner of Park Ave. and Otis St. Although we got totally lost around that wack 23rd Ave. exit off the 880, we finally arrived at our destination, smashed all the windows, and renditioned the feline and canine enemy combatants to secret fluffy beds in undisclosed parts of Berkeley.

Just because we are now feeding and petting these incredibly cute tools of the ruling class, that doesn't mean that we have succumbed to cuteness in any degree. To prove it, we will be burning all of the greeting cards bearing images of cute kittens and puppies that remain in our Revolutionary Hallmark Gold Crown® Store…that is, all that remain after this week's 50% off sale on cards featuring cute puppies and kittens. Stock up now, while supplies last! Nothing sticks it to the man like using his own weapons against him, which is why we recommend writing letters of protest on those cards with cute kittens and puppies. The irony will be so intense, it'll be like a smack in the face to your tyrannical mayor and her minions on the council.

Now, there are sure to be some mindless yuppies and other members of the bourgeoisie who will question our tactics. But if your systems of government to make change are unavailable, if your justice system isn't just, if your kittens and puppies are attacking and destroying the immune systems of your citizens, people are going to show that anger and frustration in people's immediate surroundings. If people committing violence are doing it to get attention, they certainly get more attention than people doing things peaceful and positive.

Yes, comrades, we have fomented a righteous rebellion, stemming from a long history of feline and canine repression, that has liberated your Treasured Island of Alamedia! No longer will your quote-unquote mayor be able to distract you from the injustices of the system by shoving cute kittens and puppies in your faces.

Join us!

Yours in Revolutionary Struggle,
Subcomandante Precious Moments®
Assistant Manager
Revolutionary Hallmark Gold Crown® Store
2374 1/2 Telegraph Avenue, Berkeley

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