Monday, February 16, 2009

Profiles in Courageous Greatness

Today we honor the courage and greatness of those larger-than-life figures whose courageous deeds loom larger than life, like great faces chiseled into granite in the minds of the citizenry. Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Roosevelt, Roosevelt: These men pale in comparison with the subject of today's exclusive Alameda Daily Noose interview.

We spoke at length with Roger Grumbel, Founder, President, Secretary, Treasurer, and Editor-in-Chief of the Alameda Daily Noose, about his ideas for continuing his long tradition of journalistic excellence, and his concerns over everyone else's failings.

Tell us about the Alameda Daily Noose?
That's not really a question, is it? I, Roger Grumbel, granted you, the Alameda Daily Noose, this exclusive interview with me because I thought you had spent enough time in my prodigious shadow to conduct it without causing embarrassment, and your first question is an imperative sentence with a question mark at the end? Shame! Now, what were we talking about again?

The Alameda Daily Noose?
Oh, right, the Alameda Daily Noose. The Noose expertly fills the gap left by those pathetic excuses for so-called local papers that litter doorsteps all over Alameda. We encircle the top stories of the day with our journalistic prowess, wrestle them to the ground, and imprint them with our special brand of completely objective analysis long before most people are even aware that anything is happening. Our legendary speed at reporting the scoops is due in part to the wonders of the interweb, which allows us to publish groundbreaking items at the drop of a hat. In fact, we often do drop our hat in our rush to be the first to publish exciting press releases and hard-hitting investigative reports that blow the lids off of movie show times.

Speaking of so-called local papers (pathetic excuses for them), what's wrong with them?
That's a great question. For one thing, they have been known to make spelling errors, which is a sure sign that you can't trust anything they wright. Only the Alameda Daily Noose is out there asking the tough questions and telling Right-Thinking Alamedans what they want to hear. And if you ask me, I think there are way too many opinions masquerading as facts in the local media. This is especially problematic in the context of the Boring, Lame, Online Gossip Shops, commonly known as B.L.O.G.S. Even though they are completely different from the Alameda Daily Noose, there is always a danger that someone might mistake one of those B.L.O.G.S. for a legitimate noose source. Just to be on the safe side, Right-Thinking Alamedans should not trust any interweb site without the word "noose" on the masthead.

Courageously asking tough questions is one of the things that makes the Alameda Daily Noose so great, and this interview is no exception. Sir, your harshest critics have accused you of being too modest. How do you respond?
It's true, I am very modest, almost as much as I am talented. As Editor-in-Chief of the Alameda Daily Noose, I have many opportunities to rub the faces of my loyal readers in my greatness or to talk about all of the awards I am soon to win, but I almost always resist that temptation because I am so modest. Now, what my so-called critics clearly don't understand is that there is no such thing as being too modest. I realize that just about everyone is jealous of my great modesty, but because I am so tolerant and magnanimous, I do not hold that against them.

Thank you for speaking with us?
You're welcome?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Real men of genius..
Mr. Snarky-Funny-Blogger-Guy