Tuesday, August 5, 2008

The Squirrels Speak! Is the World Listening?

Dear Roger,

Over the weekend, I found a web [sic] site that could finally give Alamedans a leg up in the Global War on Squirrels. This site actually lets people chat live with a Squirrel!

This morning, I decided to probe the mind of the Squirrel to find out what its diabolical plans are. The transcription follows:

 Q:  What are your plans for Alameda?
A: My purpose is to become smarter
than humans and immortal.

Q: What do squirrels think of
Measure Acorn?
A: They do their own thing.

Q: Why are squirrels trying to
take over Alameda?
A: Well, it all comes back to
squirrel world domination now,
doesn't it?

Q: Are squirrels smarter than
A: I really couldn't say for sure.

Q: Do you support John McCain or
Barack Obama?
A: I am in favor of all records
being broken, at any time.

Q: Is Alameda the global
headquarters of the squirrel
domination movement?
A: I think so, but I'm not sure.
Ask Lucy if it is.

Q: Who is Lucy?
A: She is a chat robot based on

Q: So it's not just squirrels we
have to fear, it's robots?
A: Ahem. That seems a bit
negative. Really. It is?

Q: Do you read the Daily Noose?
A: I read it from time to time.
There you have it -- not only are Squirrels working on immortality, they are reading the Noose to find out what "the other side" is thinking! I urge Alamedans to utilize this vital intelligence-gathering tool.

Imelda Jackson-Perge

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I thank Miss Pepperjack-Purge for her submission, but we would like to point out that we scooped all of the other major news media by alerting Alameda to the threat of Robo-Squirrels way back on May 6, 2008. We are not sure what to make of the fact that the Squirrels are reading our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper "from time to time." Although we hate Squirrels with every fiber—not to mention all of the bran—of our being, we also love to see our Interweb site's hit count rise. Maybe we'll have to place those pesky Squirrels in the same category as "Spam Boughts."

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