Monday, August 25, 2008

Who's Really behind the School Parcel Tax? The Answer May Surprise You!

The Alameda Daily Noose and I don't like taxes any more than we like cats, and the latest school parcel tax is no exception. We first smelled a rat when alert reader Jamie Neatly informed us that the tax passed with approximately zero percent of the vote. Now it turns out that it wasn't a rat at all, or even a hamster, but rather that most feared of all rodents: a Squirrel!

We were helping our neighbors, Mildred Bolus and her husband, what's-his-name, clean out their basement this weekend when the Alameda Daily Noose and I found a whole stack of back-issues of that sorry excuse for a newspaper, the Alameda Puppy Trainer. While the Mildred and what's-his-name continued to toil away in the dank basement, the Alameda Daily Noose and I lugged the stack out into the sun and, for a much-deserved break, sat down to scan each issue for particularly amusing errors.

Right on top of the pile, in a story about a lawsuit to overturn the latest parcel tax, I found the following shocking quotation from Mr. Brilliant, the world's smartest lawyer:

Meanwhile, even Brillant admitted that some lawsuit backers might be getting cold feet. "If I'm going to [file a suit], it's going to be Monday, but things are getting rather SQUIRRELLY," he said.
Many Right-Thinking Alamedans showed their support for the school parcel tax by questioning the motives of the shadowy figures who, shrouded in undemocratic cloak-and-dagger secrecy, wrote up the devious language of the ballot measure. These brave Alamedans can now take great satisfaction in the fact that their worst fears were, in fact, realized: The most brilliant attorney on earth has confirmed that the authors of the parcel tax were none other than the Bushy-Tailed Terrorists themselves!

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