Ridiculously Over-Ambitious Sign Announces Opening of Huge, Unusable Parking Garage

The City of Alameda just spent millions of dollars on a new parking garage. You can't tell the Alameda Daily Noose and me that they still have money to throw around on two-story neon signs, just to advertise to their under-utilized mistake. We all know that the garage is in Alameda, so we don't know why they felt the need to include that information so prominently on the sign. How stupid do they think we are?

Clearly this move was in response to our earlier exposé on the shameful lack of advertising for the new parking garage, but the City gave us too much, too late. By this time, everyone is aware that the garage is open, and has been pointedly not parking in it as a protest. If our City Council can't tell the difference between deliberately driving past with our noses in the air, and just not noticing that the garage is open, then it's time we replaced them with someone more perceptive.

Protesters Battling "Uninvited and Unwelcome Intruder" Demand Reserved Parking Spaces

Editor,

All Right-Thinking Alamedans know that the hideous parking garage attached to the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates is not welcome in our city. It is an uninvited and unwelcome intruder, and we encourage all people to avoid parking in it, and applaud residents and organizations such as Code Grump, that may volunteer to impede, passively or actively, by nonviolent means, the use of any parking garage located in the City of Alameda.

As one of the founding members of the Code Grump, I plan to chain myself to the entrance to prevent anyone from using that monstrosity—which I know nobody will, because nobody goes to the movies or shops on Park St. anymore because there are too many people and too much traffic—but that's beside the point. This is about free speech, after all! The only problem with this plan is that there is no place to park right in front of the garage.

It is ridiculous that my right to protest is in jeopardy because of the short-sighted removal of parking spaces on Oak Street. I hereby demand that our corrupt Mayor and those incompetent boobs on the City Council take action to add parking in front of the garage, and reserve those spaces for Code Grump protesters like myself! I know the bumbling knuckle-draggers in the Public Works department aren't capable of putting up something as simple a "reserved parking" sign without someone drawing them a diagram first, so I have attached one for illustrative purposes.

Zaynie Glower
Subcomandante of Public Relations
Code Grump

Parking Garage a Proven Hazard to Environment and Public Safety

The Alameda Daily Noose and I got a hot tip recently regarding the new, unusable parking garage. We were told that the builders failed to install any kind of fence along the top, where there is a narrow gap between the roof of the garage and the roof of the new Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, and also gave no thought to any kind of drainage system for the structure.

Our thorough investigation of both these allegations revealed that, shockingly, they are both almost true! As the exclusive Alameda Daily Noose photos above show, what little fence exists on top of the garage is woefully inadequate. A determined child, especially one equipped with rock-climbing gear, could no doubt get over the top easily, fall off, and become wedged between the outer walls of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex and the garage.

Similarly, the one small drain located on the roof couldn't possibly have enough capacity to keep up with the scorn that will be dripping plentifully from Right-Thinking Alamedans. With the opening of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex only days away, the scorn will soon back up the drain and start flowing down the levels of the garage until it roars out into Oak Street, washing away any innocent churchgoers, high school students, or Longs shoppers who might be in its path.

It is doubtful that either of these nightmare scenarios was considered in the environmental impact report for the so-called project. By the time a thick layer of children has accumulated in the gap, and a thicker layer of scorn on the street, it will be too late to turn back. There will be nothing left but for the Alameda Daily Noose and me to say we told you so.

ROGER KORNBLUTH Proves PARKING GARAGE Was Designed by a Drunkard

DEAR EDITOR,

I CAN TELL YOU EXACTLY WHY NOBODY IS PARKING IN THE PARKING GARAGE. NO, NOT BECAUSE IT'S NEXT TO THE SUPER-MEGA-MONSTER-PLEX THAT EVERYONE HATES. IT'S BECAUSE THE GARAGE WAS DESIGNED SO POORLY THAT IT DANGEOROUSLY SAGS.

I HAVE ENCLOSED A PHOTOGRAPH THAT DEPICTS THIS ATROCITY. NOTICE HOW THE FLOORS SAG TO THE LEFT. ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS, THE OAK STREET SIDE OF THE GARAGE IS A FULL STORY TALLER THAN THE BACK OF THE LOT. IN THIS EARTHQUAKE-PRONE AREA WE CAN'T AFFORD TO RISK OUR LIVES BY ENTERING A STRUCTURE THAT WAS CLEARLY DESIGNED BY AN INTOXICATED (OR WORSE) ARCHITECT.

IT'S HIGH TIME WE DEMOLISH THE GARAGE BEFORE SOMEBODY GETS HURT. IT SHOULDN'T BE TOO HARD, PERHAPS IF A FEW OF US GIVE IT A SHOVE.

ADMIRINGLY,

ROGER KORNBLUTH

P.S. PLEASE EXCUSE THE IMPROPER CAPITALIZATION OF MY LETTER. MY PC'S "CAPS LOCK" KEY HAS BEEN STUCK IN THE "ON" POSITION.

Scoop! of Nothing: New Garage Is Empty, As Predicted in Alameda Daily Noose

Remember, you read it here first! The prediction that the new multi-million dollar parking garage on Oak Street would be too big appeared over a month ago in these very pages. And as you can clearly see from the exclusive Alameda Daily Noose photo above, the prediction was dead on; no-one is parking in the garage, and no-one ever will. The City might as well board it up, or knock it down. It would have made much more sense to create ten new free parking spaces right in front of each business in the neighborhood, because no-one wants to walk a block just to get coffee and a sandwich, or buy furniture, and no-one wants to pay for parking.

Now the nattering nabobs of negativism will be quick to point out that there isn't room to put in all those parking spaces right in front of each business, but the great minds here at the Alameda Daily Noose city planning think tank have the answer: We simply tear down all the buildings and rebuild them far enough back from the street to allow convenient free parking right in front, just like at the Seven-Eleven.

Of course, if there are houses or other buildings behind the first row of buildings, we may have to tear them down and move them back a bit, too, repeating the process until we reach the shoreline, where we can simply reconstruct the final row of houses on sturdy piers standing in the water. Problem solved!

Although this plan might sound just a bit extreme at first blush, all Right-Thinking Alamedans know that a business without plenty of free parking right in front of the door is not a business worth patronizing. Sometimes you have to destroy a downtown in order to save it!

Scoop! Of Self-Congratulation For Our Previous Scoop

It's been over three months since the Alameda Daily Noose and I first broke the story that the multi-million dollar parking garage on Oak Street had reached capacity, and it's only now that anyone else in the media is catching on to this enormous problem. Right from the start, before the ink on the plans was even dry, the Alameda Daily Noose and I were pointing out that the garage would be the wrong size for Alameda, but the City went ahead with it anyway. Clearly, our City Council had no idea that when there are big events on Park Street, the garage would be full!

Of course, the inadequate capacity of the garage is only one reason why no Right-Thinking Alamedan would ever want to park there. Another problem is that those darn payment machines are impossible to figure out, and if you don't pay to park there during the daytime, you get a ticket! Also, it's too hard to walk from your car to the elevator when you are forced to park on one of the upper levels, but parking all the way on the top is the only way to get the good views of Alameda. Um, not that the Alameda Daily Noose and I know any of this from personal experience, because we naturally stay as far away as we can from the whole Super-Mega-Monster-Plex and garage that everyone hates. But we've heard about how bad it is. Besides, we knew it would be bad, and our predictions are never wrong.

Completely Inadequate Sign Announces Opening of Huge, Unusable Parking Garage

The City of Alameda just spent millions of dollars for a new garage that nobody wanted, and yet they couldn't afford a better sign than the pathetic sandwich-board shown in the exclusive Alameda Daily Noose photo above. Come on! Don't the people of Alameda deserve better notification than that?

The letters on the sign are so small that it took over a week for the Alameda Daily Noose and me to even realize that it was anything other than another annoying warning of the street closures that have plagued that section of Oak Street since the start of garage construction.

It's obvious that everyone else has been ignoring the new sign, too. Our Alameda Daily Noose photo clearly shows that the good, honest parking lot is full, whereas the evil, developer-driven garage is empty. Not only is the garage clearly badly built, and in danger of falling down in the slightest earthquake, but you have to pay to park there, too. Get real!

Parking Garage Will Certainly Prove to Be the Wrong Size For Alameda

Editor,

Can you believe that huge parking garage right near City Hall? I just noticed it for the first time yesterday. It must have sprung up overnight. I don't know who would ever want to park there. It's too big! It's obvious that it is going to have way too many spaces!

Of course, when people see all of that empty parking space, they're going to want some of it for themselves. How long do you think it will be before employees at the high school, and City Hall, and nearby businesses, all have their special reserved spaces and their special free permits, and take up two spaces each with their big subsidized vehicles? And then there will be no place for the rest of us to park!

Clearly, there will not be enough spaces in that thing. They should never have built it because it is too small! Don't our City officials realize that people drive cars in Alameda?

Jane Dervish

Scoop! Of Inadequate Parking

Remember, you read it here first! The prediction that the new multi-million dollar parking garage on Oak Street would be too small appeared months ago in these very pages. And as you can clearly see from the exclusive Alameda Daily Noose photo above, the prediction was dead on; there is scarcely a space to be found on an average day, even on the second level. Sure, a person could go all the way to the third or fourth level, and face an interminable delay at the one, inadequate elevator, but who has the patience to look that hard for a parking space? And if you think the garage is crowded now, just wait until the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates opens! Clearly, the City of Alameda has no idea how to plan for parking that will be useful for Right-Thinking citizens.

Once Again, White Ruins Alameda

Recent, disturbing evidence confirms the Alameda Daily Noose's reports that subversive elements are ruining, rather than renovating, the historic Alameda Theatre. As if it wasn't bad enough watching the 600-story parking garage and Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates grow out of the side of the old theater, now the lettering on the big vertical sign above the entrance is almost completely obscured. The "Alameda" sign has been uniformly painted a color that cannot be described as "Off-White," nor "Ivory," nor even "Clean Newsprint," but instead is unmistakably "John...Knox...White!"

The White influence, usually spread through propaganda pieces, is an even more powerful threat to our community than the influence of Perata, which was evident in the left-leaning pillars of the parking garage that we reported earlier. How many citizens have already forgotten that there ever was an Alameda Theatre, now that the letters of the sign blend into their background?

Everyone knows what a tragedy it is that those few people who patronize the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates will see little of the old theater as they are swept through the dimly-lit lobby with the throngs rushing for seats in front one of the countless new screens. The City is essentially John...Knox...Whitewashing this ugly truth. That is why the Alameda Daily Noose and I are here, spilling editorial ink all over the blatantly secretive injustice of the ruined sign.

Mabelle Spayce-Teleskop Focuses on Astronomical Three-Faced Municipal Bamboozlement

Hi, Rog,

As I observe the construction of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, I can't help but notice that the northern side of the 6,000-car, 500-foot-high Parking Garage is totally different that the architectural renderings of the southern and western sides, as shown on the City's interweb dingus:

Artist's rendering of southern elevation of Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates.

Artist's rendering of western elevation of Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates.

Northern elevation of Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, as phtographed by a Right-Thinking Alamedan.

First of all, NONE of those fancy-schmancy airbrushed pictures show ANY scaffolding, cranes, or wooden concrete forms. What a con job! Worse yet, in all of the smoke-filled, back-room, closed-door meetings that planned this secret project, not once did ANYBODY say that this thing was going to have THREE DIFFERENT SIDES. I mean, I could have supported a one-sided parking garage, maybe, or a two-sided one at most, but THREE IS RIGHT OUT.

Needless to say, the whole thing looks COMPLETELY DIFFERENT if you lie flat on the ground and stare up at it. In fact, if you roll over into its shadow, it BLOTS OUT THE SUN!

I think we have been bamboozled.

Mabelle Spayce-Teleskop

Parking is disappearing!

Editor,

On Sundays, my wife hits the swap meets and because they are early, she's back by 10am with a car load of things. Lately, we've been having problems parking in front of our house so that we don't ahve to walk too far with the new treasures. We're lucky that our garage isn't too far from the curb, and until recently, we've been able to park about 15 feet from it, which has made it really easy to move our latest acquisitions from the trunk to the garage.

Honestly, I'm not sure what we're going to do soon, as the place is packed to the gills with our weekly booty. The storage shed we've put in the driveway is also filling up.

But I digress, the trouble is, my neighbors now think they can park one of their cars in front of my house and that Alameda Police Department will do nothing to stop them. With all the talk about bus stops and crosswalks happening around town, I'm really nervous that we might lose our parking space once and for all. And then what will we do? Walk 50 feet from the car to the garage with our stuff? We'll have to stop shopping. This city's going down the drain quick.

Joel McGilliam

Alameda Daily Noose publishes yet another routine press release . . . but this time, with a twist!

Hey, kids! At first glance, you might think that the following text is a reprint of a press release taken straight from the City of Alameda's Web site. However, if you look closely, you'll see that Alameda Daily Noose and I are not content merely to reprint press releases, like all of the other major news media do, no Siree, Bob! No, we prefer to take the press release, make a few changes here and there, and then neglect to cite the source. Of course, the changes are all made in the interest of clarity and by no means betray any sort of editorial bias on our part. Furthermore, our failure to cite the source is not, as it might first appear to anyone who's taken a high-school-level writing course, an instance of plagiarism; rather, it is a community service to avoid confusing our readers with superfluous information. So, without further ado, here is the much-anticipated press release:

The block of Central Avenue between Oak Street and Park Street will be closed between the hours of 9:00 A.M. and 2:00 p.m. tomorrow, and Tuesday, May 7, 2007. The temporary closure is required to facilitate trenching across Central Avenue, which will bring permanent power to the cine . . . er, I mean, super-mega-monster-plex and parking garage projects that everyone hates. While the public parking lot situated across from the construction project that everyone hates, will remain open via its two driveways on Alameda Avenue, the northern driveway located along Central Avenue will be closed during the street closure hours. As needed, a construction flagman will be available to assist with directing traffic in the parking lot and along Central Avenue during the street closures and to offer hugs and sympathy to disconsolate citizens distraught over the havoc being wreaked upon Our Fair City by this terrible, terrible project that everyone hates.

All surrounding businesses, churches, and their parking lots will remain open during the street closure, and emergency vehicle access will be maintained at all times. Signs placed throughout the surrounding area will provide drivers with information about the temporary street closure. Even though it was included in the original press release, we're not going to tell you the name and telephone number of the person with the City of Alameda whom you should contact for more information, because that person has been a spokespers . . . er, I mean, shill for the super-mega-monster-plex project that everyone hates, and we don't want to give her the opportunity to subject any more Alamedans to her pro-super-mega-monster-plex-project-that-everyone-hates propaganda.

Be the first one of our readers to identify the 11 words that were changed, the 20 words that were deleted, and the 109 words that were added, and you could win a cheesy "award" and a bottle of wine with a whimsical name. For bonus points, identify the one (1) factual error we accidentally slipped into the press release along with our changes, but please do so privately. After all the crowing we did about mistakes on other people's Web sites, we don't wish to have our own journalistic dirty laundry hung out in a public forum, for all to see. Here's a hint: Take a long, hard look at your calendar.

Hard-Boiled Cop Drama Heads Schedule of Movies Showing at Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

Movie schedule at the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, 2317 Central Avenue:

Paul Blart: Mail Cop (PG) 11:20, 1:30, 4:20, 7:10, 9:30
He's Just Not That Into You (PG-13) Fri-Tues 12:30, 4:00, 7:00, 10:00
Coraline (PG) Dolby Digital 3D, 12:00, 2:20, 4:40, 7:15, 9:35
Paul Blart: Male Cop (PG) 11:20, 1:30, 4:20, 7:10, 9:30
Slumdog Millionaire (R) 11:00, 1:50, 4:50, 7:40, 10:20
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (PG-13) 8:00
Gran Torino (R) Fri – Tues: 11:30, 2:00, 4:45, 7:20, 10:15
Paul Blart: Maul Cop (PG) 11:20, 1:30, 4:20, 7:10, 9:30
Hotel For Dogs (PG) 11:10, 1:35, 4:10

Ticket prices are reasonable, but the parking costs are outrageous! If you go to any movies, be sure to complain afterwards about the lack of free parking in the parking garage that nobody uses because it's too full.

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 63 days, with the most recent shown in green:


Corica Have Mercy:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, May 18, 2010

Editor's Comments:

City staff seems determined to go on and on about plans to develop Alameda Point, even though the electorate, by voting down Measure B this spring, soundly rejected the idea of ever changing anything at the former naval air station. The Alameda Daily Noose and I are amazed that the City still cannot get this fact through their skulls!


This Is an Outrage:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, May 10, 2010

City of Alameda Public Utilities Board, May 17, 2010

Editor's Comments:

If we can just pass proposition 16 in the election next week, this could be the last Public Utilities Board interwebcast we ever have to sit through! The Alameda Daily Noose and I can't wait to join other Right-Thinking voters in wresting control of the clean coal content of our power away from those fat cats at Alameda Muniserable Power.


So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:
Regular Transportation Commission, April 28, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, May 24, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, June 1, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, June 15, 2010

Editor's Comments:

The City Council as good as admitted that the parking garage has turned out to be a complete failure and should be torn down. Of course, even the most Right-Thinking among them were too timid to suggest that sensible course of action, but they acknowledged that the garage hasn't brought in as much revenue as expected, which amounts to the same thing.


Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:
Regular Transportation Commission, May 26, 2010

Editor's Comments:

We can't decide whether the footage of boats is more boring than the meetings with people droning on about public transportation, but it's high time the City stopped holding these Transformation Committee meetings altogether.

Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council May 4, 2010

Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, June 14, 2010

Special Planning Board Meeting, June 21, 2010


Nothing Worth Complaining About:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, April 26, 2010

Special ARRA Meeting - AP Environmental Update, May 6, 2010

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 28 days, with the most recent shown in green:


Corica Have Mercy:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council December 15, 2009

Editor's Comments:

By even agreeing to consider Item 6-B at this meeting, the City Council crossed the line. All Right-Thinking Alamedans know that parking in front of one's own house is one of the unalienable human rights spelled out in Thomas Jefferson's eloquent preamble to the Declaration of Independence, the document that established Alameda as a sovereign state independent from her former colonial overlords across the Estuary. If the Alameda Daily Noose and I want to park an abandoned or unattended vehicle, a beat-up R.V., a leaky old boat, or a few heavy commercial vehicles in front of our own house, that is our God-given right, and none of those Tyrants on the City Council can say otherwise. If Chuck Corica were alive today, he would be spinning in his grave!


This Is an Outrage:
Regular Transportation Commission December 23, 2009

Editor's Comments:

As outraged as the Alameda Daily Noose and I were about the nautical propaganda being promulgated by Alameda's Traffic Board, we were pleased to discover that we have not exhausted the font of outrage just yet. This month's five-hour broadcast leads off with a propaganda puff piece touting the hideous parking garage attached to Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, but that was just the beginning. It is followed by a horrifying depiction of a giant tree, glowing with some kind of unearthly energy; after that come scenes of hideous mutant Tree People cavorting on the streets, followed by a stage performance of some bizarre tree ritual, all undoubtedly bankrolled with taxpayer dollars. Somebody needs to rein in this Transit Committee before they and their Big Arborist friends try to shove any more of this pine-scented propaganda down our throats.


So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:


Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board December 14, 2009


Nothing Worth Complaining About:

I — I Mean, We — Told You So!

In our continuing duty to let you know how terrible the super-mega-monster-plex project that everyone hates is, we felt we needed to write in with a big I told you so. We warned you that the city was skimping on the details and now we have proof!

The big spanking shiny new parking structure is going to have wooden floors! As seen in this photo that we we took while walking around the neighborhood, you can clearly see that the second floor of the parking garage is made of wood.

How hypocritical of the city council to continue assuring actual citizens of Alameda that the planned work would be of the highest quality. How many cars are going to be able to park on each floor? Two? Three? And doesn't anyone remember the Great Chicago Fire, in which the entire city burned because it was made of wood? Or was that San Francisco after the Big One? I'm fairly sure a cow — or was it a Squirrel? — was involved . . . we confuse these things all the time. Anyway, my photo proves what I — I mean, we — have said all the time . . . this project is a disaster!

5:02 a.m.: Milhous K. "Grrr" Sanka's Open Letter to Mayor and Councilmembers

My Dear, Honorable, Elected Officials:

Recently I became aware of a Sinister Plan being promoted by Alameda Power & Telecom to create yet another useless City Board and/or Commission called the "Solar Panel," which would erect an Infernal Machine to blot out the sun and then charge our homeowners outrageous rates for electricity to light our domiciles, to say nothing of cable television and interweb videos to watch during those long days of permanent darkness. In fact, the foundation for the Sun-Blotting Device to be controlled by the "Solar Panel" is already in place, ingeniously disguised as a combination parking garage and Zeppelin port. How do I know this? I know this because I read about it in an objective and soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper – not in one of those local fish wraps and dog trainers run by interlopers with preset convictions – and no history of life in our great city. So, without further adieu:

1. I urge you, My Sweet, Tender, Elected Officials, not to open the so-called "Pandora's Box" by approving the creation of this "Solar Panel." Once the "Pandora's Box" is opened, it's very difficult to get "Pandora" back inside. And as I mentioned earlier, the foundation of the Sun-Blotting Device is already in place, which leaves only the opening of the so-called "Box" between us and Certain Doom. Do we want a bunch of non-elected Pencil-Necked Bureaucrats controlling our Sun? Hardly! Read on.

2. Some have alleged that my concern over the "Solar Panel" has become a personal Crusade, my "so-called goal in life." What blundering idiots! My goal(s) in my life, after treading this planet for nearly as many years as there are words in one of my shorter Grumpy Letters to the Editor, surely have been/are/undoubtedly shall remain greater in magnitude than that which you would otherwise assume.

3. My verified career accomplishments – intramural, interpersonal and interdepartmental are manifold – I have eaten Squirrels for breakfast, I have defended Grand St. against none other than John…Knox…White, I have been to the Gates of Hell and back and I have even been to Oakland.

4. My unverified career accomplishments – interstate, international and intergalactic, including defeating a horde of bagpiping "Measure Angus" opponents with one hand tied behind my back and no earplugs, traveling as a Soldier of Fortune to war-torn lands and Parking in Front of the Houses of Infamous Dictators and negotiating a peace treaty with an army of hostile alien invaders will attest to the fact that my energies have been/are/always will be devoted to protecting Truth, Justice and the Alamedan Way – not abusing them.

5. Wait, what was I talking about again?

6. Oh right, the "Solar Panel." Let me add, I did not seek publicity on my efforts and success. Well, other than the multiple Grumpy Letters to the Editor I wrote to one fair and balanced and soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper. Oh, and other than that one front-page story in the Alameda Puppy Trainer. To this day, few know of my efforts other than the Alameda Daily Noose and Rog. Accordingly, I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the honors and accolades you undoubtedly wish to bestow upon me.

7. Not even if you beg me.

8. Well, OK, maybe if you really grovel and put your heart into it.

Milhous K. "Grrr" Sanka

Alameda to Ban Throwing of Balls in City Parks

The Alameda City Council will be meeting this Tuesday to ratify a complete ban on ball-throwing in city parks.

Two weeks ago, the city council, not paying attention due to their uncontainable excitement to discuss the annual budget, gleefully crafted an outright ban on ball-throwing in Alameda parks unless there was signage specifically allowing it.

"We're worried that somebody might hurt somebody else by throwing a ball at them," said Mayor Beverly Johnson, leader of the ball ban. "Even if somebody is throwing a ball directly to somebody else, they might get hurt if the ball isn't thrown just so. So we think it's better to just prohibit ball-throwing entirely."

The ball-throwing ban came out of a discussion on banning cars from the parking garage next to the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. Mayor Johnson decided that it made sense to include balls as well as (or instead of) cars. She may have gotten confused between the term "park" and "parking lot," perhaps attributable to her excitement over staying up late to talk about the city's finances.

The decision did not come without considerable debate. "What if somebody needs to walk through the park, and they are transporting a ball?" asked one council member (who shall remain unnamed) during the meeting. Mayor Johnson's response: "That's fine, as long as they hold it with both hands and do not toss it up in the air or bounce it on the ground."

The council passed the ban after three minutes' discussion.

Due to the structure of the City Charter, the ban must be voted upon twice. The council has been issued transcripts of their previous meeting so they can re-enact the entire discussion, word-for-word, this Tuesday.

Many community leaders are expected to attend the Council meeting to protest the decision, not that this would amount to anything. Representatives of the Alameda Little League, the Alameda Girls' Softball Association, the Alameda Ball-Throwing Club, and many others have pledged to use up their entire 30-seconds' allotted public speaking time to speak up on behalf of balls and ball-throwers. "Where else are my children expected to throw balls? We've had too many broken windows in our neighborhood to allow the children to play baseball in the street, and those ubiquitous basketball hoops are no longer allowed," said Geoff Mitchell-Davies, executive director of Let's Play Ball Alameda. "What does the City Council want our parks to be used for, if not playing?"

The mayor's office declined to comment.

Inevitable Failure of Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates Delayed Two Months

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have learned that, according to a so-called memorandum issued January 15, 2008, the spectacular and inevitable failure of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates will be delayed by a whole two months.

The delay is supposedly due to the rain or something, but the journalistically trained eyes of the Alameda Daily Noose and me saw right through that ruse. The real reason for the delay is to deprive Right-Thinking Alamedans of two full months of complaining about the latest abomination to blight our Treasured Island!

The Mayor and her Cronies know how much we were looking forward to attending every infuriating screening held at the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. We Right-Thinking Alamedans are willing to brave the traffic and the crowds so that we can see for ourselves what we knew all along: Nobody goes to the movies anymore, because nobody wants to brave the traffic and the crowds! The Mayor is quaking in her boots at the thought of the grumpy letters to the editor that we will write, announcing the imminent demise of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, so she has ordered her Cronies to delay the opening.

Let it be known that this delay will not slow us down. We will be there, along with thousands of our Right-Thinking friends and family, on the day the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates opens, tickets in hand, ready to prove that we were right about what an awful, unpopular failure it will be. Just be sure that you don't park in our spot in the new parking garage, you know, the one right by the door.