Inevitable Failure of Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates Delayed Two Months

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have learned that, according to a so-called memorandum issued January 15, 2008, the spectacular and inevitable failure of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates will be delayed by a whole two months.

The delay is supposedly due to the rain or something, but the journalistically trained eyes of the Alameda Daily Noose and me saw right through that ruse. The real reason for the delay is to deprive Right-Thinking Alamedans of two full months of complaining about the latest abomination to blight our Treasured Island!

The Mayor and her Cronies know how much we were looking forward to attending every infuriating screening held at the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. We Right-Thinking Alamedans are willing to brave the traffic and the crowds so that we can see for ourselves what we knew all along: Nobody goes to the movies anymore, because nobody wants to brave the traffic and the crowds! The Mayor is quaking in her boots at the thought of the grumpy letters to the editor that we will write, announcing the imminent demise of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, so she has ordered her Cronies to delay the opening.

Let it be known that this delay will not slow us down. We will be there, along with thousands of our Right-Thinking friends and family, on the day the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates opens, tickets in hand, ready to prove that we were right about what an awful, unpopular failure it will be. Just be sure that you don't park in our spot in the new parking garage, you know, the one right by the door.

5:11 a.m.: Scoop! Lee Harvey Oswald Framed by Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

There have been a lot of shocking photos of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates in the major news media lately, but none as shocking as the exclusive Alameda Daily Noose photo we bring you today. The Alameda Daily Noose and I had invited our neighbors, Mildred Bolus and her husband, what's-his-name, over to watch some slides of our vacation in Dallas back in November 1963. We shot many pictures of the terrible traffic jam we saw there, which reminded us of something from a "Looney Tunes" short.

Right in the middle of our slide show, Mildred's husband jumped up and shouted, "Look! You've solved the mystery of who really shot J.F.K.! This photo is the proof everyone's been looking for!" He whipped out a red marker and started writing on the screen. "You see, here, on the grassy knoll stands the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, which I've marked 'A.' This arrow shows that there is a clear shot from this position to the presidential motorcade, 'B.' And, as if you needed any more proof, there's the lamp post, which I've marked 'C.' Does it look familiar, Rog?"

I was dumbstruck. The lamp Midred's husband had circled was the exact type of lamp post that was recently installed in front of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. What's-his-name was right: It all falls into place! Now, this is not the first time that the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates has been implicated in a murder, but up until now, the proof has been elusive. Our vacation snapshot, however, proves once and for all that this parking garage has not only killed before, but also framed an innocent man, Lee Harvey Oswald, for the crime. Clearly this is the work of an evil structure whose elevator does not go all the way to the top floor!

Mabelle Spayce-Teleskop Focuses on Astronomical Three-Faced Municipal Bamboozlement

Hi, Rog,

As I observe the construction of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, I can't help but notice that the northern side of the 6,000-car, 500-foot-high Parking Garage is totally different that the architectural renderings of the southern and western sides, as shown on the City's interweb dingus:

Artist's rendering of southern elevation of Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates.

Artist's rendering of western elevation of Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates.

Northern elevation of Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, as phtographed by a Right-Thinking Alamedan.

First of all, NONE of those fancy-schmancy airbrushed pictures show ANY scaffolding, cranes, or wooden concrete forms. What a con job! Worse yet, in all of the smoke-filled, back-room, closed-door meetings that planned this secret project, not once did ANYBODY say that this thing was going to have THREE DIFFERENT SIDES. I mean, I could have supported a one-sided parking garage, maybe, or a two-sided one at most, but THREE IS RIGHT OUT.

Needless to say, the whole thing looks COMPLETELY DIFFERENT if you lie flat on the ground and stare up at it. In fact, if you roll over into its shadow, it BLOTS OUT THE SUN!

I think we have been bamboozled.

Mabelle Spayce-Teleskop

2:29 PM: Scoop! of dirt

Today the Alameda Daily Noose scooped all of the other news media yet again. This time, we dug up the real dirt on the cine . . . er, I mean, super-mega-monster-plex project that everyone hates. As you can see from the photo, this is, without a doubt, our biggest scoop yet!

Despite the rosy financial predictions of the spin-meisters behind the super-mega-monster-plex that everyone hates, our photo proves that the project is already deep in the hole. This comes as no surprise to us, since we all know that the movie industry is dead, dead, dead. Everybody knows that the VHS video recorder killed the industry way back in the ‘80’s, and that it was killed again by the laser disc player in the ‘90’s, and then again by the DVD player in the ‘00’s. Hasn’t anybody seen the “Friday the 13th” movies (at home, on a DVD player, of course)? Just like Jason, this time the movies are dead for sure!

The super-mega-monster-plex project that everyone hates will be lucky if it manages to attract a moth to the light of the projector at the first screening. Of course, in reality the moth will drop dead before it gets anywhere near the theater, because the air will be so thick with exhaust fumes from all the traffic choking the surrounding streets, battling to get in and out of the six-hundred-story parking garage that is growing like a tumor on the side of the historic Alameda Theater! All of those people not going to the movies, driving all of those cars, and everywhere, everywhere, the children are threatened. The children!

This whole super-mega-monster-plex project that everyone hates stinks to high heaven. In fact, our Pulitzer-prize-eligible photograph confirms what all right-thinking Alamedans already knew: City Hall is almost completely buried in dirty politics! For now, the flag of freedom still waves above the filthy pile of muck, but for how long? I ask you, for how long?!

Alameda Daily Noose publishes yet another routine press release . . . but this time, with a twist!

Hey, kids! At first glance, you might think that the following text is a reprint of a press release taken straight from the City of Alameda's Web site. However, if you look closely, you'll see that Alameda Daily Noose and I are not content merely to reprint press releases, like all of the other major news media do, no Siree, Bob! No, we prefer to take the press release, make a few changes here and there, and then neglect to cite the source. Of course, the changes are all made in the interest of clarity and by no means betray any sort of editorial bias on our part. Furthermore, our failure to cite the source is not, as it might first appear to anyone who's taken a high-school-level writing course, an instance of plagiarism; rather, it is a community service to avoid confusing our readers with superfluous information. So, without further ado, here is the much-anticipated press release:

The block of Central Avenue between Oak Street and Park Street will be closed between the hours of 9:00 A.M. and 2:00 p.m. tomorrow, and Tuesday, May 7, 2007. The temporary closure is required to facilitate trenching across Central Avenue, which will bring permanent power to the cine . . . er, I mean, super-mega-monster-plex and parking garage projects that everyone hates. While the public parking lot situated across from the construction project that everyone hates, will remain open via its two driveways on Alameda Avenue, the northern driveway located along Central Avenue will be closed during the street closure hours. As needed, a construction flagman will be available to assist with directing traffic in the parking lot and along Central Avenue during the street closures and to offer hugs and sympathy to disconsolate citizens distraught over the havoc being wreaked upon Our Fair City by this terrible, terrible project that everyone hates.

All surrounding businesses, churches, and their parking lots will remain open during the street closure, and emergency vehicle access will be maintained at all times. Signs placed throughout the surrounding area will provide drivers with information about the temporary street closure. Even though it was included in the original press release, we're not going to tell you the name and telephone number of the person with the City of Alameda whom you should contact for more information, because that person has been a spokespers . . . er, I mean, shill for the super-mega-monster-plex project that everyone hates, and we don't want to give her the opportunity to subject any more Alamedans to her pro-super-mega-monster-plex-project-that-everyone-hates propaganda.

Be the first one of our readers to identify the 11 words that were changed, the 20 words that were deleted, and the 109 words that were added, and you could win a cheesy "award" and a bottle of wine with a whimsical name. For bonus points, identify the one (1) factual error we accidentally slipped into the press release along with our changes, but please do so privately. After all the crowing we did about mistakes on other people's Web sites, we don't wish to have our own journalistic dirty laundry hung out in a public forum, for all to see. Here's a hint: Take a long, hard look at your calendar.

"The Day Alameda Stood Still" Opens Friday at the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

All Right-Thinking Alamedans will want to be sure to take the kids to see "The Day Alameda Stood Still," the feel-good fantasy movie opening this week at the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. The Alameda Daily Noose and I believe that the premise of the movie is that alien beings land their spaceships in Alameda on a mission to stop all new development. During the ensuing battle with Evil Developers, in which the newcomer aliens team up with humans who know how things work around here, some recently built structures are accidentally and fortuitously destroyed. The Alameda Daily Noose and I hope that the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates is among them! If you hear cheering from the front row during that part of the movie, you can bet that it's us.

Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates Can't Even Get Sign on Right Side of Street

Rog,

I've found another problem with Alameda's Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates.

I happen to live on Central avenue, near Versayalls. A few evening ago, I was on my way to my car to drive over to Starbucks, when I noticed that the horrendous "ALAMEDA" neon sign had been lit up. That in itself is worth complaining about, because how dare they use the name of OUR town to name THEIR theater? But what shocked me was that the big developers from out of town had put up the sign on the WRONG SIDE OF THE STREET. Yes, the neon erection is on the SOUTH side of the street, not the north side where the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex is.

I had to take a picture of this before they realize their mistake and move it back to the correct side of the street. Please forgive the photographer's shaky hand, but I think you can see perfectly here that the sign (the pink thing) is too far to the left.

If you don't believe this, try it for yourselves! Take a little trip past my house toward Park street and you will see that the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex has provided us with yet another reason for everybody to hate it!

Warm Regards,

Pamela Mirabelle

Inaction Alameda's Report Card on Inaction Alameda's Report Card on Alameda's Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

Rog,

It is important for members of our community to recognize worthy achievements within the community, wherever they may be found. That is why Inaction Alameda has spent long hours to put together a Report Card evaluating last week's Report Card on Alameda's Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, which, coincidentally, was also authored by Inaction Alameda. It's available here:

REPORT CARD
Thorough Research	A+
Hard-Hitting Analysis	A+
Fair and Balanced Objectivity	A+
Modesty	A+
Not Muddying the Water with "Facts"	A+
Alamedaness	A++

Rog, I hope you will continue your soon-to-be-award-winning investigative reporting on boondoggles such as the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates in downtown mainland Alameda which is attached to the historic and minimally-refurbished Alameda Theatre. I have a feeling that there might be an "A+" with a shiny gold star in your future!

Dave Williamson

Gargantuan Church Towers Blot Out View of Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

Going…

Going…

Gone!

Hi, Rog,

My car was in the shop, so I was walking the two blocks from my nail salon on Park St. back to my house. I made extra sure to walk along Central Ave. so I would get a good view of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates over my shoulder as I walked along. I like to curse the structure as I go, the vigorous complaining makes my walk so much more enjoyable.

Anyway, you can imagine my surprise when I saw these huge, gargantuan towers looming up, blocking my view of the object of my scorn! Worse yet, the farther away I walked, the higher the towers rose, until finally the entire Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates was completely shielded from my withering stare! My complaints were all bottled up inside me, and I tell you, that isn't very comfortable.

Why wasn't I informed that there was a huge church in my neighborhood? I didn't get any notices in the mail, or stapled to my door, or presented to me by my elected officials, or printed on my breakfast cereal box, which is the only thing I read, anyway. Does the City think we're too stupid to ever figure it out?

Something ought to be done about it. We can't have people going around putting up huge churches on every corner, interfering with the daily routines of derision carried out by Right-Thinking Alamedans like me.

Mabelle Spayce-Teleskop

Mr. T. Pities the Fools Who Built the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

Editor,

I love your article on the disgusting movie multi-plex. I think that place is absurd and disgusting...I am also sad that the Central Cinema will have to move. I moved to Alameda because it seemed to be an progressive place to live-apparently not! : ( BTW, do you know what happened on Webster St. last night? I am actually looking for some local news on why there were 80 zillion cop cars in Oakland on Broadway and here in Alameda on Webster last night.

Thanks,T.

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I welcome T.V. personality Mr. T. to our Treasured Island, because he clearly has excellent taste when it comes to coverage of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. Certainly, the absurdity is abundantly obvious in our noose stories on the subject.

As long-time readers know, we always get the scoop on nooseworthy events in Alameda. Therefore, if you don't see something mentioned here, it can't be anything worth reading about. We're sure that was the case with the incident on Webster Street, whatever it was. You will note that we are not attempting to blame either the horrors of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex, nor the non-event on Webster Street, on Squirrels. That is because we implicate them only where there is reasonable cause to do so, and not because we are obsessed.

Hatred of Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates is No Reason to Not Go There

Now, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have not, as some might erroneously claim, gone soft on the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. The whole thing was a terrible idea, and it should never have been built, but of course we're going to go see movies there. Quite a few interesting films are showing this weekend, so stay tuned for our insightful reviews. Or, if you want to take a shot at forming your own opinions, keep in mind that ticket prices are $9.50 for General Admission, and $7.00 for Seniors over age 15, children under age 65, and for everyone attending movies starting before 4:00 p.m. For show times, call the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex.

Once Again, White Ruins Alameda

Recent, disturbing evidence confirms the Alameda Daily Noose's reports that subversive elements are ruining, rather than renovating, the historic Alameda Theatre. As if it wasn't bad enough watching the 600-story parking garage and Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates grow out of the side of the old theater, now the lettering on the big vertical sign above the entrance is almost completely obscured. The "Alameda" sign has been uniformly painted a color that cannot be described as "Off-White," nor "Ivory," nor even "Clean Newsprint," but instead is unmistakably "John...Knox...White!"

The White influence, usually spread through propaganda pieces, is an even more powerful threat to our community than the influence of Perata, which was evident in the left-leaning pillars of the parking garage that we reported earlier. How many citizens have already forgotten that there ever was an Alameda Theatre, now that the letters of the sign blend into their background?

Everyone knows what a tragedy it is that those few people who patronize the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates will see little of the old theater as they are swept through the dimly-lit lobby with the throngs rushing for seats in front one of the countless new screens. The City is essentially John...Knox...Whitewashing this ugly truth. That is why the Alameda Daily Noose and I are here, spilling editorial ink all over the blatantly secretive injustice of the ruined sign.

More on "State-of-the-Art" Equipment at Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

Editor,

I read with great interest outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland's report on the projection equipment that the Evil Developer plans to install in the new Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. He is right that nothing in that monstrosity is going to be "state of the art," but we'll be lucky if they install one of those fine Keystone Moviegraph projectors I remember so fondly from my youth.

In fact, we'll be lucky to get any kind of projector at all. My unnamed sources tell me that on opening day, each movie patron will be handed an individual plastic movie viewer doohickey like the one in the picture I enclosed in this letter. And, instead of a screen, there will be a big table lamp up in front for you to point you doohickey at. Good luck cranking that thing and eating your stale popcorn at the same time!

Of course, there aren't actually going to be any people buying tickets on that day, because no-one wants to bother fighting for a space in that overcrowded parking garage. Even the thrill of watching Idaho Smith—or whatever that paleontologist guy's name is—run backwards when you crank the blue plastic doohickey in reverse isn't enough to lure Right-Thinking Alamedans into this new municipal temple of traffic doom!

Lon Geddoff

Inaction Alameda's Report Card Gives 5 "F"s to Alameda's Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

Rog,

Does anybody remember the Great Depression? This is the direction our current Mayor is taking us on - down a path where ultimately we will have to roll wheelbarrows full of money down to Ole's Gruel and Hardtack Hovel just to buy a single pat of butter. It's unconscionable.

Don't believe me? Read our report card on the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. It's available here:

REPORT CARD
Height	F
Number of Parking Spaces	F
Ownership and Operation	F
Vertical Columns and Shear Walls	F
Concrete Masonry Units (CMU)	F

We are not making this up! All of it is based on supporting documentation provided by the City of Alameda itself, right here in this so-called "fact" sheet and these supposed "minutes" of a quote-unquote "council meeting" held earlier this year. We, too, are amazed that the City would leave this kind of explosive stuff just lying around, considering how bad it makes them look. Perhaps if they weren't such a bunch of incompetent boobs they would have anticipated that Inaction Alameda would use the data to give them this scathing indictment.

Does this phenomenal carelessness prove that democracy is crumbling beneath our feet, and our community is about to plunge into a dark age in which citizens are all herded into work gangs and made to haul huge concrete blocks into place to build towering pyramids in honor of the very officials that some of us so foolishly "elected" not long ago? Possibly.

Dave Williamson

Scoop! Alameda Daily Noose Documents Test of Zeppelin Mooring Masts on Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

Once again, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have scooped all of the other major news media with our exclusive Pulitzer-prize-eligible Alameda Daily Noose photo (above) of Sunday evening's test of the new Zeppelin mooring masts that were recently installed atop the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. When fully operational, the facility will be able to accommodate up to six of the giant airships at one time, according to City propaganda.

The mooring masts are part of the latest trend in "Zeppelin-Oriented Development," or Z.O.D., which is all the rage among the so-called planning experts who regularly gather to plot the destruction of our cherished way of life. This unwelcome development in the already unsightly project is clearly the work of none other than our arch-nemesis, John…Knox…White and his diabolical Transit Panel. John…Knox…White's dastardly scheme is to force people out of their cars and into Zeppelins, thus turning our Treasured Island into this:Doesn't that Manhattanite John…Knox…White know that unlike New Yorkers, Alamedans love their cars, and will never tolerate big, ponderous gas-bags drifting around town, all puffed up with seemingly inexhaustible quantities of hot air?

Schedule of Classic Movie Playing at the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

Following are the schedule and synopsis of this week's classic movie playing at the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, 2317 Central Avenue (all times are a.m. except for those shown as p.m.):

Vampires' Couples' Retreat Citizen (R), 11:10, 1:35 p.m., 4:20 p.m., 7:25 p.m., 10:00 p.m.

It's 1941, and newspaper tycoon Charles Foster Kane (Orson Welles, who also directed and co-wrote the script) is dead. The opening shots show Xanadu, Kane's vast, elaborate, now unkempt estate in Florida. Following failed attempts to conceive, Jason (Jason Bateman) and Cynthia (Kristen Bell) are close to getting a divorce. In an effort to save their marriage, they book a vacation to Xanadu, which they have mistaken for a couples' therapy retreat.

Interspersed with segments of Kane's newsreel obituary are scenes of swimming with sharks and yoga sessions with an amorous instructor Salvadore (Carlos Ponce). Most puzzling are Kane's last moments: clutching an orange, he mutters, "I vaahnt to saahck your blaahd."

A young newspaperman named Darren Shan (Chris Massoglia) digs into Kane's past, seeking the meaning of his enigmatic last words. He meets a mysterious man at a freak show who turns out to be a Vampire. After a series of events, Darren must leave his normal life and go on the road to Xanadu and become a Vampire. Darren meets Jason and Cynthia, and, seeing that they have worked out their problems, frees them from the therapy and tells them to go jet skiing.

Soon Jason and Cynthia return to Darren, informing him with great disappointment that jet skiing will not be invented until 1965. As an apology and consolation, he invites them up to his room for a little drink.

Hard-Boiled Cop Drama Heads Schedule of Movies Showing at Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

Movie schedule at the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, 2317 Central Avenue:

Paul Blart: Mail Cop (PG) 11:20, 1:30, 4:20, 7:10, 9:30
He's Just Not That Into You (PG-13) Fri-Tues 12:30, 4:00, 7:00, 10:00
Coraline (PG) Dolby Digital 3D, 12:00, 2:20, 4:40, 7:15, 9:35
Paul Blart: Male Cop (PG) 11:20, 1:30, 4:20, 7:10, 9:30
Slumdog Millionaire (R) 11:00, 1:50, 4:50, 7:40, 10:20
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (PG-13) 8:00
Gran Torino (R) Fri – Tues: 11:30, 2:00, 4:45, 7:20, 10:15
Paul Blart: Maul Cop (PG) 11:20, 1:30, 4:20, 7:10, 9:30
Hotel For Dogs (PG) 11:10, 1:35, 4:10

Ticket prices are reasonable, but the parking costs are outrageous! If you go to any movies, be sure to complain afterwards about the lack of free parking in the parking garage that nobody uses because it's too full.

Parking Garage a Proven Hazard to Environment and Public Safety

The Alameda Daily Noose and I got a hot tip recently regarding the new, unusable parking garage. We were told that the builders failed to install any kind of fence along the top, where there is a narrow gap between the roof of the garage and the roof of the new Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates, and also gave no thought to any kind of drainage system for the structure.

Our thorough investigation of both these allegations revealed that, shockingly, they are both almost true! As the exclusive Alameda Daily Noose photos above show, what little fence exists on top of the garage is woefully inadequate. A determined child, especially one equipped with rock-climbing gear, could no doubt get over the top easily, fall off, and become wedged between the outer walls of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex and the garage.

Similarly, the one small drain located on the roof couldn't possibly have enough capacity to keep up with the scorn that will be dripping plentifully from Right-Thinking Alamedans. With the opening of the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex only days away, the scorn will soon back up the drain and start flowing down the levels of the garage until it roars out into Oak Street, washing away any innocent churchgoers, high school students, or Longs shoppers who might be in its path.

It is doubtful that either of these nightmare scenarios was considered in the environmental impact report for the so-called project. By the time a thick layer of children has accumulated in the gap, and a thicker layer of scorn on the street, it will be too late to turn back. There will be nothing left but for the Alameda Daily Noose and me to say we told you so.

Movies Showing at the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

The following movies are currently showing at the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates:

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2: Star Wars — As the Clone Wars sweep through the galaxy, the new story catches up with Tibby, Carmen, Padmé, and Leia, four young women who find themselves on a mission with far-reaching consequences. Now it will take more than a hurried note…or even a treasured pair of pants passed back and forth among them to keep their lives connected and lead the massive clone army in a valiant effort to resist the forces of the dark side…

The Clone Wars: Fly Me to the Moon in 3-D — More and more systems are falling prey to the forces of the dark side as the Galactic Republic slips further and further under the sway of three tween-aged flies who go along on an incredible space adventure…in 3-D!

Mamma Mia: The Mummy — The story of a bride-to-be trying to unearth her real father, a shape-shifting entity who was cursed by the popular '70s group ABBA decades ago.

Tomb of the Dragon Emperor: Henry Poole Is Here — In the Far East, a trouble-seeking Henry Poole abandons his fiancée and family business to spend what he believes are his remaining days searching for the first Emperor of Qin.

The Dark Knight: Tropic Thunder — Through a series of freak occurrences, a group of actors shooting a big-budget war movie are forced to deal with the chaos unleashed by an anarchist mastermind known only as the Joker, as it drives each of them to their limits.

Swing Vote Pineapple: Express Journey to the Center of the Earth in 3-D — In a remarkable turn-of-events, the result of the presidential election comes down to one tropical fruit in the hands of a stoner, his dealer, a scientist, his nephew, and their mountain guide, who, on the run from the police, discover a fantastic and dangerous lost world of American democracy in the center of the earth…in 3-D!

Ticket prices are: General Admission $9.50, and $7.00 for over age 59, children age 11 and under, and movies starting before 4:00 p.m., or when the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars.

Alameda shuffles slowly toward "gathering place" plan

Rog,

Thank you so much for your continuing coverage of the super-mega-monster-Plex project that Everyone hates. Now that Unaction Alameda has revealed that the new Parking Garage will be made largely of green Cheese and stale Twinkies, it is only a matter of time before ravenous Squirrels and overly frugal Scotsmen in search of a Free meal devour the structural supports and send the whole Thing tumbling down. Fortunately for us Right-thinking Alamedans, this cloud has a silver Lining!

What this town really needs is a Gathering Place. The rubble of the super-Mega-monster-plex project that everyone Hates could be seeded and turned into a lovely meadow. It would be a great place for folks to Gather, perhaps at Night, or at Dawn, or maybe even in the Day. It would be a great place to Wander aimlessly, and who knows, maybe even find a tasty Bite to eat.

This will be a Great chance to turn a Dead space into a Living place. It's a no-Brainer!

Glinda Costman