You Can't Fit a Seven-Foot Tree in a Five-Foot Car

Rog,

I'm spittin' mad, because my Scotch Pine delivery service went out of business this year, and I've been scrambling to find another one that won't park its big van in front of my house to do the delivery. I know what you're thinking, but I always say the only good tree is a dead tree. That's why I'm always sure to stick a dead one in my living room at this time of year. It lets me fume and gloat all at once, because it's one more tree in my sight, but one less to plague the world once I'm done with it.

I've been complaining to everyone I meet about my delivery problem, and some idiot told me to use my own car to go pick up a tree. That's impossible! I need a tree that's at least seven feet tall, and my car is only about five feet tall, so there's no way I could get the tree in there.

Clearly, some people just don't understand the way things work in Alameda. How am I supposed to spread holiday cheer with just the three-foot tree that would fit in my car, if I wanted to get pine sap all over the seat upholstery? How dare that stupid business go out of business? What does a person have to do to get a measly seven-foot tree delivered around here?

Former City Council Candidate