Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Evil Developer Really Pushing It with Ridiculous Plan for Gondoliers

We all know that Evil Developers say the darnedest things, so it should come as no surprise that the latest plans to destroy Alameda Point involve forcing everyone there to travel by gondolier. That might be okay for anyone who both lives and works on the shore (as if anyone would want to live anywhere on that toxic swamp of pristine open space), but what about people who want to go to inland destinations? It's ridiculous to expect anyone to hold onto heavy bags of groceries or other large purchases while balancing on the shoulders of a huffing, puffing, gondolier.

Besides, it's a well-believed fact that in order for a gondolier to gain momentum, he must first start singing, and then continue singing in order to maintain a constant speed. As if the constant din of bagpipes in Alameda weren't bad enough, the city now wants to add multiple simultaneous renditions of "O Sole Mio" to our already noisy streets.

Nobody wants to travel by gondolier in this country, as they soon found out in that nearby city that's not Alameda. People love their cars too much to allow gondoliers, maglev personal transporter pods, unicorn-drawn omnibuses, or anything else to replace them. If the development plans for Alameda Point go forward (although of course they are doomed to fail in this economy), all of our tax money is going to be wasted on straw hats that will then be tilted over the somnolent eyes of idle gondoliers, and no-one will be able to get anywhere in Alameda.