I was beginning to think that you had finally come to your senses and decided to stop droning on about the supposed negative effects of bagpipes, but I see that you decided to squeeze yet another anti-bagpipe rant into yesterday's edition. I don't want to get into an argument about the advantages and disadvantages of bagpipe automation; indeed, the very real threat to the livelihood of human bagpipers must be weighed against the enormous promise of modern mechanized production that could bring bagpipe music to every corner of the globe with such efficiency that it will be too cheap to meter.
No, I am writing today about the new neighborhood watch group I've formed in response to a problem we've had with people walking their dogs there and not collecting the unwanted deposits that their pets leave in our yards. In particular, many of my neighbors have reported glimpsing a grey-haired fellow who walks his little white dog down our street every day around 5 a.m., and has never been seen to pick up after it.
Whenever a member of the neighborhood watch group spots a dog owner failing to scoop up the dog's leavings, he or she will make a loud noise somewhere within earshot of the neighbors, who will then rush out with their cameras and cell phones, all of which I have pre-programmed to dial 9-1-1 simply by pressing the "Menu," pressing the up-arrow button three times until "SPEED DIAL" appears in the display, pressing "OK," pressing the down-arrow button four times until "9-1-1" appears, then pressing "OK."
Of course, the key to the entire scheme is equipping everyone with a device capable of making enough noise to rouse the entire neighborhood out of bed at 5 a.m., yet one that is melodious and pleasing enough to put everyone in a fine crime-fighting mood. Fortunately, I found something that fits the bill perfectly. I have issued one to each of my neighbors, and we've been practicing our neighborhood watch alert call in the nearest park early every Saturday morning.
The Alameda Daily Noose and I simply cannot condone this barbaric vigilantism; we only condone barbaric vigilantism against people we really don't like. This Roy Avery character has a lot to learn about dog ownership. He should try taking an energetic noose hound for a walk at 5 a.m. sometime and see if he feels like cleaning up after the little fellow every single time, even when he's absolutely positive that nobody's looking. The Alameda Daily Noose and I feel a lot more sympathy for the poor dog owner in this case, whoever he may be…especially when the alert signal itself is far, far worse than the supposed crime.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009