Thursday, August 9, 2007

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland Has It Right about Squirrels, but What's All This Nonsense about More Buses?!


Holy smokes! What is Dolores Hepherhumper smoking? I am OUTRAGED at the suggestion that Squirrels are not Public Enemy Number One! EVERYBODY knows that every year in American cities of 70,000 to 80,000 in population, Squirrels kill 157.4% more children than buses! Of course, since I actually love my wife and kids, I don't have time to waste doing research, so I can't cite any "sources" for that number, but it just feels right. Maybe those of you who don't care about your families can check that out for me.

Furthermore, we all know that the average 40-foot transit bus kills 2.6 Squirrels on an average day. Although the 2/5 of a Squirrel that invariably escapes is injured and extremely dangerous if cornered, the overall risk to The Children is still reduced by 212.3% , even if you factor in the danger posed by the rogue fractional Squirrel.

I hate buses as much as the next right-thinking Alamedan - almost as much as I hate people regularly parking in front of my house - BUT I HATE SQUIRRELS MORE. This is war, and war demands sacrifices. That is why I am asking all red-blooded patriotic Alamedans to "take one for the team" by DEMANDING a bus route on their street! It won't be easy, but when the Squirrels see our determination and face the inevitable carnage on our roadways, their resolve will crumble and they will turn their bushy tails and flee our Treasured Island like the cowards they are.


Donald Kirkland

No comments: