Scoop! Alameda Daily Noose Documents Test of Zeppelin Mooring Masts on Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates

Once again, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have scooped all of the other major news media with our exclusive Pulitzer-prize-eligible Alameda Daily Noose photo (above) of Sunday evening's test of the new Zeppelin mooring masts that were recently installed atop the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. When fully operational, the facility will be able to accommodate up to six of the giant airships at one time, according to City propaganda.

The mooring masts are part of the latest trend in "Zeppelin-Oriented Development," or Z.O.D., which is all the rage among the so-called planning experts who regularly gather to plot the destruction of our cherished way of life. This unwelcome development in the already unsightly project is clearly the work of none other than our arch-nemesis, John…Knox…White and his diabolical Transit Panel. John…Knox…White's dastardly scheme is to force people out of their cars and into Zeppelins, thus turning our Treasured Island into this:Doesn't that Manhattanite John…Knox…White know that unlike New Yorkers, Alamedans love their cars, and will never tolerate big, ponderous gas-bags drifting around town, all puffed up with seemingly inexhaustible quantities of hot air?

Swan Flock's Plight

Concerned residents of Alameda's Marina Village are in a flap over the predicament of the swans that frequent the development's artificial ponds. "I bought my house here solely for the brilliant white swans I saw in the pond. Well, that and Alameda's Squirrel-limiting 'Measure Acorn.'" explained long-time resident Madge Kerfuffle. "Lately, the swans have been more of a charcoal gray. I don't have any so-called evidence to back this up, but I'm just sure it's due to all of the dirty politics in this town, particularly that Manhattanite musician on the Traffic Board. What's his name again? Anyway, if this problem isn't fixed immediately, we homeowners demand to be compensated for the drop in our property values. We're not sure the City Council realizes this, but we pay taxes, the very taxes that feather their cushy nests! I am madder than a wet hen about all of this blatant swan-dirtying corruption, and there's no way I'm going to let them duck the issue."

Fortunately, help is on the way. As you can see in the Alameda Daily Noose photo above, employees of Alameda's newly created Department of Animal Sanitation Services are hard at work soaking the soiled swans in Palmolive® brand dishwashing liquid. Homeowners were taken aback by the City's quick response. The Mayor explained: "Normally, instead of taking action we would hold a secret meeting in a smoke-filled back room in order to hatch a scheme to cover something like this up. However, once a couple of homeowners stood up and delivered the shock news that they actually pay taxes, we knew our goose was cooked. We formed the Department of Animal Sanitation Services the next day, using that big pot of their property tax money we discovered under the table in the back room. There goes our nest egg!"

Public Displays of American Flags are Unpatriotic, and Do Not Belong in Alameda

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are proud to announce that from now on, the glorious flag of Alameda will forever fly on the masthead of our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper. This should effectively counteract the unpatriotic displays of garish red, white and blue flags that some of the so-called local media sport at the expense of what should be our top priority: our loyalty to Alameda.

Unlike our good, honest Alameda flag, that stripy thing is the same flag that flies atop the skyscrapers of big cities, big cities like...Manhattan! The Alameda Daily Noose and I see no difference whatsoever between hoisting that banner and personally piloting a bulldozer down each side of Grand St. and personally laying the first bricks for the foundations of those skyscrapers that our Manhattanite arch-nemesis so desperately wants to build.

And let's not forget what spangly abomination waved over the White House during the administration of Everyone's Least-Favorite President—you know, the one with the big nose and the even bigger cheeseburger habit, the one who was personally responsible for closing down the Naval Air Station. I ask you, are those the kinds of values that we want to represent with the flags that we raise proudly in Alameda?

So, loyal readers, when you see the flag of Alameda flying majestically on our masthead, remember, you are right-thinking Alamedans first and Americans only incidentally. Yes, this constant reminder of what makes our Treasured Island great is our gift to you, yours to keep. You're welcome.

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland Asks, Could Blythe Ergot Stand Up to a Whomping Willow?

Rog,

With all of the discussion about trees this week, I am OUTRAGED that no-one has pointed out one important thing that completely discredits Blythe Ergot as a reliable source of information on the subject. Surely, someone besides me has noticed that an anagram of "I'm Blythe Ergot" is "Lo, big tree myth!"

A big myth is exactly what people like her are promulgating. Trees are not the innocent beings that she would have us think. Right-thinking Alamedans are well aware of the connection between overcrowding of trees and dangerous levels of Squirrel traffic, but many people may not be aware of the deep connection between trees and Tartan density. The truth is, the letters in "I'm Blythe Ergot" also spell, "Lob mighty tree," which is a clear reference to Highland games, and thus, inescapably, to Bagpipes.

Furthermore, Ms. Ergot's long, wavy hair makes her look just like that girl Hermione Granger from the popular series of movies about the boy wizard who looks just like that Manhattanite who is president of Alameda's Transportation Committee. And oh my, what skinny legs she has under her. So, what is she going to do if a tree threatens to fall on her -- cast a spell on it? Ha! I'll bet she wouldn't last two minutes against a Whomping Willow, and there will be plenty of those at large in Alameda if we follow her tree-increasing plan.

Donald Kirkland

Some Perfectly Fair Questions About Alameda Point

The Alameda Daily Noose and I received an anonymous tip informing us that there is a shadowy "push poll" being conducted on the future of Alameda Point, colloquially known as "Alameda Point." Normally we would condemn this kind of nefarious activity, but after reading the fair and balanced questions, we feel compelled to bring the survey to the attention of all Right-Thinking Alamedans:

1. Don't you think that it would be better to leave Alameda Point as a big empty space, or, better yet, a place for people from out of town to fly their model airplanes?

2. Would you rather that the future of Alameda Point be placed in the hands of Evil Developers from Out of Town, who would like nothing better than to tie up our Treasured Island and have their way with her, or would you prefer it to be placed in the hands of kind, gentle, Right-Thinking Alamedans?

3. Should that Manhattanite, John…Knox…White, be tarred, feathered, or both?

4. What are your top complaints about the potential redevelopment of Alameda Point? Please rank the following choices from 1 to 5:

• Traffic.


• Traffic.


• Traffic.


• Traffic.


• TRAFFIC!

5. Wouldn't you have to be some kind of an idiot to support so-called Tartan Oriented Development at Alameda Point, knowing full well that it might be your children who are exposed to Bagpipe music every night, and knowing that Scotsmen might be parking in front of your house?

6. Measure Acorn, colloquially known as "Measure Acorn": great measure, or greatest measure?

7. Is it not untrue that trees beget Squirrels, and Squirrels beget mayhem, and therefore, tree density should continue to be limited by "Measure Acorn" at Alameda Point?

8. If Chuck Corica were alive today, wouldn't you agree that He would be disgusted by any plans for Alameda Point that did not consist entirely of a golf course, and wouldn't you be a sorry excuse for an Alameda citizen—ignorant of our Treasured Island's history and not fit to kiss its soiled golf shoes—if you thought otherwise?

9. Don't you hate surveys that don't have a nice, tidy, round number of questions?

10. Don't you love it when the handsome, intelligent writers of a survey insert a completely unnecessary, totally uninformative question at the end, even though there's no more information to be gleaned, just to make a nice, tidy, round number of questions?

Please record your answers on a standard 5" by 5" cocktail napkin and submit them to Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters by Tuesday, December 4, 2007. All of the results we like will be tabulated and published whenever we are darned well good and ready.