Public Displays of American Flags are Unpatriotic, and Do Not Belong in Alameda

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are proud to announce that from now on, the glorious flag of Alameda will forever fly on the masthead of our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper. This should effectively counteract the unpatriotic displays of garish red, white and blue flags that some of the so-called local media sport at the expense of what should be our top priority: our loyalty to Alameda.

Unlike our good, honest Alameda flag, that stripy thing is the same flag that flies atop the skyscrapers of big cities, big cities like...Manhattan! The Alameda Daily Noose and I see no difference whatsoever between hoisting that banner and personally piloting a bulldozer down each side of Grand St. and personally laying the first bricks for the foundations of those skyscrapers that our Manhattanite arch-nemesis so desperately wants to build.

And let's not forget what spangly abomination waved over the White House during the administration of Everyone's Least-Favorite President—you know, the one with the big nose and the even bigger cheeseburger habit, the one who was personally responsible for closing down the Naval Air Station. I ask you, are those the kinds of values that we want to represent with the flags that we raise proudly in Alameda?

So, loyal readers, when you see the flag of Alameda flying majestically on our masthead, remember, you are right-thinking Alamedans first and Americans only incidentally. Yes, this constant reminder of what makes our Treasured Island great is our gift to you, yours to keep. You're welcome.