Squirrel-Hugging Tree Nut Wants to Increase Air Density in Alameda

Editor,

I don’t know why some people in Alameda are so worried about acorns and their resulting trees. The truth is that the trees in our town are the sole natural source of oxygen for everyone who lives here. I often feel as though I am not getting enough oxygen in the air I breathe, and I’m sure we could all benefit from an increase in oxygen density.

One acre of trees produces about enough oxygen for fourteen people, so we should really have 6,000 acres of our town devoted to trees to help everyone in our current population breathe freely. I think that’s about half of our land, so of course some people will probably have to live in the trees once we get them planted in cleared-out spaces that were once cluttered with houses and other buildings. I have already been practicing living in a tree, partly in solidarity with the Berkeley tree sitters, and it’s so easy!

During my practice tree-living periods, I have never once been troubled by a squirrel, so I can only conclude that they are all sweet, harmless creatures that we should be able to live in perfect harmony with, sharing acorns and laughing over the events of our days. I want to assure all of your readers that there really would be no disadvantage to putting many, many more trees into the life-giving soil of our island. Please, give trees a chance.

Fondly,

Blythe Ergot