Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Some Crazy Lady Favors Dickensian Working Conditions for Alameda Daily Noose and Me

Dear Rog:

I am writing to tell you that I am offended by the title of your newspaper site, Alameda Daily Noose.

Is it the word Alameda? Of course not! (Though if I were you I would double-check to see if the word is exclusively used in the publishing world to refer to our fair city and not used to refer to other cities, which might confuse people.)

Is it because of the word "noose", which may, to ranchers, invoke images of a rope device used to capture innocent farm animals? (And was once used generations ago, to administer capital punishment - thank goodness our society is past all that and that only the most backwards countries in the world still subscribe to this philosophy. But I digress!)

Oh no, something much worse that offends my sensitive nose - it is the word "Daily" in your newspaper's name!

For shame, Rog. You and I both know that although your skin glistens like the sun, and you radiate benevolent energy upon all of us here in Alameda, that you do not publish your newspaper DAILY. Far from it. Sometimes you go for days without a new edition, and sometimes you even publish more than once in one day.

You have no idea how much this offends me as a person who has a calendar on her desk, and a clock on her wall. Have you no shame?

And while I'm at it, I'd like to insinuate something. Did you notice my rich visual metaphors? Yes, I have found you out -- that you are not actually the publisher of the ADN, but are actually a FRONT for other subversive types here in Alameda. Just do a google search for "alamedadailynoose.blogspot.com" and right under your links to yourself, guess what website comes up - Yes, the Alameda SUN! As somebody who has worked in the tech industry since 1997 - that's 70 dog-years - I know what I'm talking about when it comes to web-based evidence and the game is up! You, Rog, are not who you say you are. You are the Sun. And, come to think of it, I am the Moon. You are the words - I am the tune. Play me!

But I digress again! I have a new, modern, exciting suggestion for your newspaper name: The Alameda Every-Few-Days Taser. I challenge you to change your name!

Luna C. Chillwether

Editor's Comments: Mrs. Chillwether is obviously a raving loony. By suggesting that everyone take the word "daily" literally, she is trying to turn back the clock to the dark days of Dickensian Alameda, when men and their trusty noosepapers toiled in dank and dripping newsrooms, the paper cuts scarring their fingers in ever more intricate webs, as if the news were etching itself into their beings—when they rose before noon and fell wearily into bed around dusk, without so much as a break for elevenses before a meager lunch at Ole's Gruel and Hardtack Hovel. How quickly she has forgotten how the Alameda Daily Noose and I banded together to form a union, and how we struggled to wring concessions from our tyrannical exploiters, the Alameda Daily Noose and me. We shed our blood and tears to win those weekends off, not to mention additional medical leave for our prune-based health care plan, and now Mrs. Chillwether would have us give all that up just because of something she found in a so-called dictionary? Shame!


Anonymous said...

Hilarious ... your site is much better than the carp-fest on Don Roberts site. Some folks there just need to get a life.

Anonymous said...

Young man, you should be aware that going without elevenses is no laughing matter. It happened to me once, and I've never been the same since. I hope you will never have to suffer that kind of deprivation.