Corruption of Measure Angus: Shocking Footage Shows What Happens…When Bagpipes Attack!

Rog,

Although we are long-time fans of the traditional German fare offered at Alameda's Wienerschnitzel restaurants, on Saturday the wife and I decided to try out that upstart German restaurant—I think the name was "Species-Crammer," or something like that—just for a lark. Once we overcame our initial disappointment at the lack of a drive-thru window, we found the place pleasant enough, though the food is not very authentic: There was not a single wiener, frankfurter, or hamburger on the menu!

At any rate, we had just ordered our second round of "Budweiser" (which is German for "beer") when we noticed a rag-tag band of musicians setting up to play in the restaurant's bar area. Just then, an unmistakable flash of plaid caught my eye. Tartan! Before I knew it, one of plaid-clad men was fumbling around with something in a suspicious package. "My God, he's got a Bagpipe!" I shouted, but it was too late.

Rog, you would not believe just how much noise a single moth-eaten windbag can produce, drowning out all conversations and demanding everyone's attention! As I dived for cover, my wife bravely pulled out her fancy new "Eye Phone," which she tells me is a camera that can also make telephone calls, and started filming. After 30 seconds I could take no more; I reached over, shut off the camera, and escorted her to safety, being careful not to make any sudden moves that might have drawn the piper's attention. We got out alive, but I doubt the others were so lucky. There were children in there, Roger…children!

I must admit that I sometimes wondered if your coverage of the Bagpipe threat was somewhat…overblown. I told myself it could never happen here, that Alameda's Tartan-limiting Measure Angus would keep us safe from the Scottish threat. How wrong I was! Now I understand that forces of corruption are everywhere at work. Clearly the Mayor and her cronies are trying to make an end-run around Measure Angus by claiming that it only applies to Scottish restaurants like McDonald's. It's this kind of lawyerly nitpicking that puts our children at risk!

I would encourage the pro-Measure-Angus people to immediately focus on finding one new friend or neighbor in Alameda per week to start talking about Measure Angus with, and explain to them the corruption we face in town, and explain the facts behind Measure Angus and expected results of exempting German restaurants from Measure Angus. My wife used her "Eye Phone" to send in her video of the Bagpipe attack by "Gee Mail." Please, double-click on Roger's interweb dingus and show it to a friend. This fight isn't going to be won or lost at the "Stammtisch" tables with the same-old, same-old, it's going to depend on Measure Angus supporters winning over friends and neighbors one-by-one.

Drake Census

5:02 a.m.: "Measure Angus" Sub-committee Hunting for Speakers

The last forum on Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus," held in 1898, was a lively event well-attended by the townspeople. Although fiery and sometimes pointed arguments were made, in the end, everyone joined hands to tar and feather the quote-unquote facilitator and shove him onto the next streetcar headed for Berkeley. The tintype above is the only official record of the meeting. Although the image pretty much tells the whole fair and balanced story, a vocal minority of uppity newcomers have had the gall to claim that we need yet another forum on "Measure Angus," so the same old issues can be rehashed one more time.

To that end, the "Measure Angus" sub-committee is soliciting public suggestions for speakers to present, at a public forum on "Measure Angus," the facts, benefits and limitations of "Measure Angus," in the context of bagpipe "music" and the Scottish Housing Element. Please submit the suggested speaker’s name, kilt size, contact information, interests, so-called experience, quote-unquote qualifications, proof of medical insurance, and name of next of kin, in writing, by Friday, June 29, 2007 to: Aithbhreac Auchmuty, Haggis and Kilts Director, City of Alameda, Haggis & Kilts Dept., 2263, Santa Clara Avenue, Room 390, Alameda, CA 94501-4477 OR e-mail:

aauchmuty@haggis.kilts.ci.alameda.ca.us

The sub-committee will review the suggestions and select potential speakers at its next committee meeting, which has yet to be scheduled. The sub-committee will present its final recommendations for the forum to the Haggis Board in a public hearing that provides opportunity for community input. Notice of the Haggis Board hearing will be given when the date is set.

Sue Rijos Has a New Name for Measure B

Editor,

I have an Idea.

They should change the name of Measure B
to Measure C for Crummy!!

Ha, ha, that's really clever and funny. Maybe it should be
Measure D for Dumb!!

Even better! How about
Measure E for Evil!!
Measure F for Foolish!!
Measure G for God-Awful!!
Measure H for Horrible!!
Measure I for Idiotic!!
Measure J for Junky!!
Measure K for Kooky!!
Measure L for Lousy!!
Measure M for Messed-Up!!

Wow, this just never gets old. How about
Measure N for Nasty!!
Measure O for Obnoxious!!
Measure P for Poopy!!
Measure Q for Questionable!!
Measure R for Rotten!!
Measure S for Stupid!!
Measure T for Trashy!!
Measure U for Unbearable!!
Measure V for Villainous!!
Measure W for Weak!!
Measure X for…

Measure X for…

Measure X for Xylophone, because…because X is always for Xylophone, and a Xylophone's as good as a Bagpipe in the dark to a blind bat, as my dear old grandmother always used to say!!

Then again, maybe it should be
Measure Y for Yucky!!
Measure Z for Zombifying!!

Which brings us back to
Measure A for…

No, no, wait, Measure A is reserved in perpetuity for Measure Acorn and Measure Angus, each of which is the only thing that stands between Alameda and total destruction. No, no, Measure A is out.

OK, so that only leaves the best name yet
Measure B for Bad!!

Sue Rijos

Measure Angus Champion to Take On All Comers Tonight

On Thursday, November 8, at 7 p.m., concerned Alamedan Dave Williamson will pull on his rhetorical gloves for a debate to end all debates on Alameda's Tartan-limiting Measure Angus. Mr. Williamson will, of course, be arguing in favor of Measure Angus. No-one in particular has been invited to argue the other side, but there is generally a rowdy group of auburn-haired, kilted proponents of runaway Tartan density who show up to such events.

The winner of tonight's rumble, which all Right-Thinking Alamedans already know will be Mr. Williamson, will walk away with a $10,000 purse or "sporran," as it is called by those who hate Alameda as much as they love Bagpipes. So get ready for the match of the millennium as Mr. Williamson defeats them all in a rock-'em, sock-'em, perfectly fair and completely balanced and civilized debate.

For those readers who aren't from Alameda, Measure Angus, colloquially known as "Measure Angus," is some legal dingus in the City of Alameda that saves us all from the horror of Bagpipe music, makes it safe for us to walk our dogs at night, and is the only reason we all bought houses here in the first place. For more information, attend the debate at Alameda Central Gathering Place. All cabers must be checked at the door.

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland is Outraged to See Measure A on Ballot

Rog,

I opened up the sample ballot that I got in the mail (not that there's any point in voting, but I like to know what I'm refusing to vote on) and what was the first thing I saw? It was a big "A" staring me in the face. Everyone knows that "A" stands for only one thing in Alameda, and that's Tartan-limiting Measure Angus! Oh, that and Squirrel-limiting Measure Acorn…but that's all! We all know what is the real threat, and I am OUTRAGED that those money-grubbing, know-nothing, Council-co-opting DEVELOPERS would try to back-door the vote on the most important law there is in Alameda.

Did they think we wouldn't notice that big "A"? Do they think we're too stupid to realize that changing Tartan-limiting Measure Angus won't do anything to help children or hospitals? I, for one, like children, and I think it's absolutely DISGUSTING to use them for political purposes. I know my own adorable kids would burst into tears if they ever saw Measure "A" on the ballot. You'd like that, wouldn't you, you heartless Measure Angus opponents!

What, you may ask, could be even worse than exploiting children? Well, half of the language on the ballot is about That City That Is Definitely NOT Alameda, and they admit that the ill-gotten gains to be generated from changing Measure Angus will be going directly to That Other City, NOT Alameda!!

We all know how lucrative Bagpipes can be, but AT WHAT COST? AT WHAT COST??? I have no idea what the actual cost is, but I'm sure it's enormous. That is why every Right-Thinking Alamedan needs to show his or her outrage by BOYCOTTING this crooked election. We don't need this change, and we shouldn't even dignify the deceptively abbreviated Measure A with a vote. So don't just vote NO on February 5th; instead, make it NO VOTE!

Yours in OUTRAGE,

Donald Kirkland

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland expresses outrage at Roy Avery's outrageous suggestion

Rog,

I realize that far-reaching conspiracy theories are a stock argument for any right-thinking Alamedan, but this time it's different because this time it's real!

Roy Avery paints a lovely picture of Alameda Point as a giant peat bog, but he conveniently leaves out one crucial fact. Wherever there's peat, there's whisky, wherever there's whisky, there are Scotsmen, and wherever there are Scotsmen, there are...


bagpipes! Yes, bagpipes, the very reason that Alamedans passed Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus" way back in 1893, when wave after wave of Scottish immigrants threatened to drown out the peaceful sounds of factories, railroad locomotives, and steamships with the din of their Devil-pipes. As the disturbing photograph above shows, the most horrible thing about bagpipes is their effect on The Children, who are clearly shocked and screaming in terror.

Ironically, many newcomers to Alameda have never even heard of "Measure Angus," despite the fact that it is the only thing that protects the small-town peace and quiet that drew them here in the first place. Unless they want to find themselves up to their aching ears in bagpipes, they had better wise up and join me in tossing Roy Avery out of town on a caber!

Fight for "Measure Angus." Attend meetings. Object to everything at every opportunity. Don't wait for an election.

The Scotsmen are in constant contact with our elected and appointed officials. They have relationships with city staff. Resistance must be constant.

Keep "Measure Angus."

Donald Kirkland

Traitor Roy Avery wants to destroy Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus"!

Editor,

I must say, I was taken aback by Mr. Kirkland's violent overreaction to my modest peat bog proposal. Mr. Kirkland may long for auld lang syne, before Scotsmen ever found their way to Alameda's bonnie shores, but all of his wishing won't change the Association of Bay Area Governments' Projected Immigrant Population Estimate, or ABAGPIPE. According to ABAGPIPE, Alameda must accommodate its fair share of approximately 3,979 additional Scotsmen by 2025.

Sadly, Alameda's record so far is abysmal: It has only managed to house 27% of its fair share of Scotsmen from 1995 to 2005, earning it a grade of "F" from the Bay Area Scottish Council. Some have argued that Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus" is largely to blame.

Many things have changed since "Measure Angus" was passed in 1893. I won't deny that bagpipes are still a concern, but recent innovations in the new field of Tartan-oriented development (TOD) allow the clustering of Scotsmen around so-called Tartan nodes, where a colorful interweaving of different land uses and transportation options allows Scotsmen to board convenient public transport vehicles instead of striding endlessly around the bogs, playing their bagpipes. Here are some photographs that illustrate the exciting TOD concept in action:




These quiet, modern ferries and trains whisk the Scotsmen to their destinations in air-conditioned, sound-insulated comfort. Study after study has shown that Scotsmen living in Tartan-oriented developments own fewer bagpipes per household and play them less often than those living on the sparsely populated heaths commonly known as "Scottish sprawl."

Just a wee modification to "Measure Angus," geographically limited to the peat-friendly area of Alameda Point, would allow for the kind of Tartan-oriented development that will enable Alameda to accommodate its ABAGPIPE fair share of Scotsmen in a way that enriches the whole community while minimizing the perceived impact of bagpiping.

Roy Avery

When Evil Red Squirrels Battle Evil Scottish Developers, Just Whose Side is a Right-Thinking Alamedan Supposed to Take?

Once again, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have scooped all of the other major news media by being the first to report—well, OK, the first to report in a soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper—that the exodus of Squirrels from Alameda is causing confusing repercussions around the globe. Apparently, a group of Sciurine Communists has single-pawedly stopped an entire housing development in the weak, Squirrel-coddling nation of Scotland.

The backward island nation of Scotland, which lacks both Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" and Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus," is defenseless not only against Squirrels but also against Bagpipes. Paradoxically, by allowing Squirrels to get the upper paw, Scotland has actually prevented the construction of more high-density housing for Scotsmen, which, as all Right-Thinking Alamedans know, leads inevitably to a plague of Bagpipes.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are used to sharp distinctions and easy answers. We find it extremely disturbing that we are unsure whether we should root for the Evil Communist Squirrels for battling the scourge of Tartan-oriented development, or applaud the Evil Developers for plotting to destroy the secret bases or "dreys" of the Evil Squirrels. Our uneasiness is proof that there is something terribly, terribly wrong with the country of Scotland, and only reinforces our belief that "Measure Angus"—together with "Measure Acorn"—is the only thing that can save our Treasured Island.

¡Scoop! South(west) of the (Clinton) Border

The Alameda Daily Noose and I recently received this hot tip from Mr. Herb Albert of Tijuana Brass Band fame:

Roger,

I wanted to alert you to a BLATANT violation of Alameda's bagpipe limiting Measure Angus that I personally witnessed this morning. Perhaps, an enterprising reporter such as yourself, could record and expose this flagrant outrage. I witnessed this outrage in front of 887 Cedar Street, just southwest of Clinton. Because we don't publish for another week, I thought I would turn over this scoop to the Island City's leading noosewriter.

All the best,
Herb Alpert

P.S. The incident occurred just prior to 11 a.m. on Friday 23 May

Eager to catch a Bagpipe violator plaid-handed, we rushed to gather our gear almost as soon as we'd finished enjoying our three-day weekend, and sped to Cedar Street in the Noosemobile.

At first glance, there seemed to be nothing amiss at the address in question. As we scanned the scene with our keen journalistic eyes, we asked a passerby if she had observed any Bagpipe activity there. Oddly, we heard no response to our question. Then we remembered that we were still wearing our Bagpipe-proof ear protection. Once we could hear our source, she told us that she was not aware of any Tartan violations on that street, although she did mention that one of her neighbors on Clinton owned an egregious set of Dress Stewart knickers, which should probably be reported to the proper authorities.

Just as we were beginning to think that there was nothing nooseworthy to be found, a chilling sight arrested us. Lurking behind some foliage was an actual shrine, not to Bagpipes, but to Squirrels! It included a basin that was clearly designed to catch the blood of innocent children sacrificed to the greed of tree-loving, caber-tossing, plaid-wearing, Bagpipe huggers!

Surely, this is what had Mr. Albert so alarmed. We can understand how, in an agitated state, he could have made the mistake of confusing Measure Acorn with Measure Angus in his report, especially since the two laws are intertwined in ways best not described in a family noosepaper. He must have also misstated the address, as this monstrous blight was clearly on the property of 885 Cedar, and not 887.

Of course, Mr. Albert is just an honorary cub reporter for the Alameda Daily Noose, so we can't blame him for making such common, rookie mistakes. In fact, if he keeps up the good work of alerting us to potential scoops, he may one day achieve the exalted status of soon-to-be-award-winning journalist.

We heard that Mr. Albert did, in fact, win some kind of award recently, presumably for his latest jazz album. We haven't seen that for sale anywhere yet, which might explain what he meant by "we don't publish for another week," but we look forward to hearing his latest work soon.

Technology Run Amok Could Doom the World, or Even Alameda

Mr. Grumbel,

The Interweb can be a wonderful tool, a way to share information around the world, and, most importantly, a way to read a newspaper sure to garner many, many awards. However, as I learned recently, the Interwebs are not all sunshine and candy and flowers and adorable kittens that fall over while sleeping. Have you ever seen such a thing? My word, it's adorable!
Its paws are so big and it...where was I? Oh, right - THE DANGER OF THE INTERWEB!

I was browsing another Interweb newspaper recently, so that I might better appreciate the Noose by comparison, and thus was alerted to a group using our beloved Web for nefarious purposes. I refer, of course, to the
following:

http://news.scotsman.com/latestnews/Piping-centre-bags-new-pupils.4121106.jp

Imagine such a thing! Spreading that infernal racket around the world!
Can't someone do something? Imagine the innocent children in Japan and other countries that do not contain Alameda. It's a good thing we here on the Immaculate Isle had the foresight to protect ourselves via Measure Angus. I pray that other, more vulnerable lands will not fall victim to that Tartan squeezebox of doom!

Very sincerely,
Mrs. Alma Petalsby

Editor's Comments

The above-mentioned article is deeply troubling. At times like these, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are especially thankful that Alameda is separated from countries like Japan and Scotland by a protective barrier of water. But even with Measure Angus to protect us, we are still vulnerable to the effects of high Bagpipe density elsewhere. We must remember that sound carries better over water.

What is particularly worrisome is the ominous warning buried near the end of the article: "We are at the beginning of this. We think there will be an explosion."

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are going to get started on our Bagpipe fallout shelter right away. We recommend that all of our Right-Thinking readers do the same.

Scoop! of Plaid: Is Barack Obama the MacChurian Candidate?

The Alameda Daily Noose and I recently obtained this shocking candid photograph of Senator Barack Obama, presumably relaxing on the back deck of his Chicago home. We already knew that he was Soft on Squirrels, though not to the same extent as his primary opponent, John McCain, but this latest evidence of un-Alamedan leanings makes us even more suspicious of him. Could Obama be, as suggested in the numerous interweb rumors that we are about to spread, a Secret Scotsman?

Now, some of you Bagpipe-huggers out there are probably muttering to yourselves in that thick, unintelligible accent of yours, "Ach, one wee photo of Obama in a kilt proves naught! Perhaps he was merely visiting the home of some Scottish friends and dressed in their native garb out of courtesy and respect." Sadly for Alameda, this damning photo is no isolated incident.

The connection between Obama and kilts dates all the way back to April 25, when a Scottish propaganda rag called, appropriately enough, The Bagpiper endorsed Barack Obama for President. The ugly association resurfaced on June 20, when an Australian newspaper revealed his connection to the "kilt-clad lawyer, Montgomery Blair Sibley."

Viewed alone, each piece of evidence might appear inconclusive; however, if one connects these three dots, one is confronted with a Triangle of Absolute Proof that Obama is a Secret Scotsman who is only pretending to have the best interests of Alameda at heart, but who will seek to overturn our beloved Tartan-Limiting Measure Angus, colloquially known as "Measure Angus," as soon as he takes the oath of office, which will undoubtedly be sworn on a book of Robert Burns' favorite haggis recipes instead of the Bible.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have shown you the havoc that Bagpipes, once unleashed, can wreak on an unsuspecting Alameda. Is Barack Obama some kind of MacChurian Candidate, secretly taking orders from his kilt-clad Scottish handlers? Possibly. And that's a risk we can't afford to take. Write in Mike Huckleberry for President and Heidi Wilson for Vice President!

Paper nobody reads offers cautionary tale for Alameda

Editor,

I opened up this Sunday's San Francisco Chronicle, and I just had to share what I saw with the readers of your noosepaper, the circulation of which I'm sure is a hundred times larger than that of the so-called Chronicle. (I know you must have had some technical problems over the weekend, because it's not possible that the quote-unquote Chronicle scooped you on this story.)

Anyway, this Sunday's shocking exposé documented the sub-human conditions that have resulted from an overpopulation of Scotsmen in San Francisco. The overcrowding is so severe that it has forced elderly Scotsmen to practice their bagpipes in the dank, haggis-infested cellars of local businesses!

These horrible scenes, many of which stretch the boundaries of what is printable in a family noosepaper, take place every day on what most people agree is a peninsula. Alameda, on the other hand, is an island! Can you imagine what the situation would be with our limited ingress and egress of Scotsmen? I'll spare you the gory details, but let's just say it involves bumper-to-bumper bagpipes backed up all the way to Buena Vista. Think of The Children!

San Francisco doesn't have Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus," and look what a God-forsaken Hell-hole it has become. Everybody needs to remember that Alameda is not San Francisco. Keep "Measure Angus"!

Jack Delinger

Dave Williamson tears Roy Avery a rhetorical new one

Rog,

There he goes again. Roy Avery tries to play sweet and innocent, claiming that he only wants a "wee" modification to Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus," just for Alameda Point. Well, that is just the camel's nose under the kilt! Make one "wee" exception and pretty soon every Scotsman in Alameda will be asking for his own peat bog, and taking it all the way the Supreme Court!

Furthermore, I just snapped a picture that proves that so-called Tartan-oriented development is nothing but a pipe dream...a bagpipe dream, that is! Sure, Roy Avery would have us believe that Scotsmen are going to leave their bagpipes at home and take public transit, but he neglects to mention that only 30% of Scotsmen will ever take quote-unquote transit. That means 70% will drive their cars, and, as my photo clearly shows, they will all demand special bagpiper parking places! And I don't even have to tell you what kind of horrible effect a drive-by piping can have on The Children.


You know what? I would not be surprised at all if the white car in the photo belonged to none other than Roy Avery! Yes, he claims to be a big so-called transit advocate, but then he puts his bagpipes in the trunk of his automobile, which I'm 100% certain he drives to work every day! You don't see him trying to fit those bagpipes into the basket of his bicycle, do you? Roy Avery is just like all of the other people who are out to destroy "Measure Angus." What a bunch of hypocrites!

Oh, and did I mention that Alameda is an island? Study after study, including an extensive survey conducted by the prestigious Royal Board of Ordnance, has shown that Scotland is most certainly not an island. That means quote-unquote Tartan-oriented can never work here. I rest my case.

Dave Williamson

"Measure Acorn" Rivals to Face Off in Squirrel Cage Smackdown

Wednesday! Wednesday! Wednesday! July 11, at 7:00 p.m. in the old gymnasium at Alameda Hospital, the City of Alameda Democratic Wrestling Federation (C.A.D.W.F.) will present a no-holds-barred steel cage match that is being internationally promoted as the "Fray by the Bay." Frustrated with years of so-called community meetings and quote-unquote public forums that have decided nothing, the C.A.D.W.F. plans to settle the long-running debate over Alameda's Squirrel-limiting "Measure Acorn" the American way: with good old-fashioned, red-blooded violence.

Proudly representing the views of right-thinking Alamedans everywhere will be former councilmember Brenda Karl, who is fiercely independent and is not, repeat, not wrestling on behalf of the community group "Save Quiet, Unspoiled Islands from Rapacious Rodent Evildoing Limb-Hoppers Attacking, Terrorizing, and Endangering Residents: Squirrels!" (S.Q.U.I.R.R.E.L.-H.A.T.E.R.S.!). Karl will face off against the reviled Squirrel-hugger Elaine Hollandaise, founding member and co-chair of "Delightful Acrobatic Rodents Living In Neighborhood Greenery" (D.A.R.L.I.N.G.), paid shill of Big Arborist, and all-around nasty person. The outcome of the match will determine whether "Measure Acorn" is upheld or rejected, thanks to a little-known provision in the City Charter that has not been invoked since 1894, when Thurston Wainwright defeated Fergus Avery in a thrilling match that upheld Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus," which had been enacted just one year earlier.

Tickets will go on sale today, Friday, July 5 at 10:00 a.m. at the C.A.D.W.F. box office and ticketmaster.com. Ticket prices are $15 for the bleachers, $20 for floor seats, $25 for ringside seating, and special V.I.P. passes for $50. Bell time is 7:00 p.m. and the doors open at 6:30 p.m. Parents who see this be warned, this match is going to be violent and bloody and may contain foul language, twisted logic, and explicit discussion of Squirrels.

Voters Demand Answers…and Questions to Match!

Every election year, the Alameda Daily Noose and I provide a valuable service to our readers by endorsing an eclectic array of candidates, from the most seasoned veterans of battles over Measure Acorn to the freshest, most puzzling young faces on the political scene. We do not make these decisions lightly, although we reserve the right to suddenly switch our endorsements without explanation. Indeed, so swift and silent are we in this process of course correction that many Right-Thinking Noose fans fail to notice that anthing has changed, and assume that our final endorsement is the one and only version that has ever existed.

In order to make our well-considered and influential decisions on this year's races, we require a certain amount of effort from those who are running. If you wish to obtain or keep a political office in the city of Alameda, you will need to provide us with the answers to certain hard-hitting questions. Of course, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are a bit short of time, what with it being so close to election day, and our life-sized lawn sculpture tribute to Miss Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin still being far from completion. So, although we will read your responses with our usual thoroughness and keen understanding, we will need you all to provide the actual questions as well. We like to deliver some real zingers in our interviews of candidates, and who could be more qualified to identify your weakest points than yourselves? The Alameda Daily Noose and I have thoughtfully provided this clip-'n'-complete form for your convenience:



Potentially self-incriminating topics that you may wish to ask yourself about include Measure Acorn, Measure Angus, people parking in front of each other's houses, John Knox White, morons, bosons, and the Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates. Please structure your questions to yourselves such that in trying to answer them, you will find yourselves backed into a corner, at which point the Alameda Daily Noose and I will be able to point out, triumphantly, that despite your feeble protestations to the contrary, you are really not a strong supporter of Measure Acorn.

Mail your completed questions and answers to the Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters, or type them into a gee-mail letter to rogergrumbel@gmail.com. Be sure to spell your name correctly, and identify which position you hope to win, and which, if any, you currently occupy. The Alameda Daily Noose will not be responsible for any misidentifications of School Board members or other such trivial errors.

Alamedan Danielle MacSteele Writes Yet Another Book

Alameda author Danielle MacSteele has written yet another book, Devil in a Kilt, a historical romance novel taking us back to Alameda during the century before last. It is the story of three college friends and their families, well educated, well to do, and loyal to the City Council. Delighted, they see conservative Heinrich Weichhart win the mayoral election. But within months, the reins of government tighten. Weichhart's new vice-mayor, Angus Horsburgh, asserts more power daily. Blinded by his promises in their hour of need, the people rejoice; little do they know that he will lead them into tyranny and doom.

Why did the people fall under his spell and worship him? The author gives compelling answers by reaching behind the mystique that shrouded Horsburgh's persona, the man who called himself the Kilted Savior sent by God. Her characters struggle between Right Thinking and the temptation of Tartan and Bagpipes.

Alameda is at a crossroads: a city of splendor amidst the abject poverty of new Scottish immigrants; Horsburgh as choirboy, his stormy love affair with a niece half his age whose obsession with Squirrels caused many rumors. It is the story of people coping with adversity, of their fear of informers lurking everywhere, of human ingenuity to make do and survive when everything is lost and nothing can be bought. It is the account of a people saved by Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus" that helped them, and their Treasured Island, back to their feet in 1893.

All in all, it is an inspiring chronicle of the resilience of the Alamedan spirit. The author is a seventh-generation Alamedan, which makes her books at least seven times better. Her family's experiences and those of their friends give a panoramic view of all aspects of life during that tempestuous time. In 1998, she published her first book, A Whiff of Whiskey. Ms. MacSteele's subsequent works included Love Among the Walnuts, Sporran in the Grass, Squirrel o' My Dreams, Wuthering Haggis, and Love's Caber's Toss'd. Her previous book, 2004's critically acclaimed Clash of the Tartans, recently received Alameda's highest literary honor: having a copy donated to the library by the community group Unaction Alameda. (The Alameda Daily Noose and I kindly ask our readers not to inform Miss MacSteele that the library already had a copy; she would undoubtedly be devastated.)

How Right Is Your Thinking? Take the Alameda Daily Noosiversary Quiz!

Today, the celebration of the beginning of our Interweb archiving continues with our Alameda Daily Noosiversary quiz. A special prize will go to the Right-Thinking Alamedan with the highest score. Of course, all of our loyal readers should be able to answer the following questions with perfect accuracy, so we will draw a random name from among those whose answers are 100% correct.

1. The best restaurant in town is:

a. Ole's Gruel and Hardtack Hovel
b. Gym's Coffee Clutch
c. either of the Wienerschnitzel fine German dining establishments
d. the Rusty Scupper Family Seafood Restaurant on the Alameda Riviera

2. The one thing that protects our high quality of life in Alameda is:

a. Measure Acorn
b. Measure Angus
c. the Alameda Daily Noose and I
d. all of the above

3. Anyone who manages to get elected to public office in this town must, by definition, be:

a. an idiot
b. too clever to be trusted
c. in the Developer's Pocket
d. all of the above

4. The only place to buy groceries in Alameda is:

a. the enormous new Safeway
b. Lucky, which the Alameda Daily Noose and I never called "Albertson's"
c. that hippie grocery store where you can buy prunes in bulk
d. Dusty Shelves Market

5. Traffic in Alameda is:

a. as bad as it was when the base was open
b. worse than Manhattan, Mexico City, and Bangkok combined
c. not my fault, because I have to drive
d. all of the above

6. The only good Bagpipe is:

a. one fighting with a Squirrel
b. locked safely in a closet thanks to school funding cuts
c. close to convenient mass transit in a Tartan-Oriented Development "node" with a large concentration of other Bagpipes
d. a dead Bagpipe

7. The Super-Mega-Monster-Plex That Everyone Hates is all the fault of:

a. Squirrels
b. people who don't even live in Alameda
c. the Mayor
d. all of the above

8. The Alameda Daily Noose's 2,000th interweb visitor resides in:

a. Alameda
b. Brazil
c. China
d. definitely China; the Alameda Daily Noose and I know this for a fact

9. Next to Squirrels and Bagpipes, the greatest threat known to Alameda is:

a. John Knox White
b. so-called traffic calming devices
c. people regularly parking in front of my house
d. all of the above

10. The best number of questions to ask in a soon-to-be-award-winning quiz is:

a. 165
b. 9
c. 26
d. 10

Submit your Right-Thinking answers by jotting them on an otherwise useless issue of the Alameda Fish Wrap "newspaper" and slipping it under the door of Alameda Daily Noose World Headquarters. Or, for the technolo-savvy reader, type your answers into a gee-whiz mail message addressed to rogergrumbel@gmail.com and hit the "send" dingus. All answers must be received by 5:00 p.m. on March 31st, 2008, in order to qualify.

5:27 a.m.: Plaid Flag Warning Update: No Bagpipe News Stories for Last 12 Days in "Alameda" Fly-Swatter

On Friday, August 31, 2007, the Alameda Fly-Swatter published one news story about Bagpipes. During the subsequent 14 days, the Fly-Swatter has published no news stories about Bagpipes. Any Alameda daily news publication that downplays the Bagpipe threat and fails to lavish sufficient praise on Alameda's Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus" has not earned the right to use the word "Alameda" in its name. Tch, tch, tch!

5:51 a.m.: Plaid Flag Warning: No Bagpipe News Stories for Last 3 Days in Alameda Fly-Swatter

Editor's Comments:

On Friday, August 31, 2007, the Alameda Fly-Swatter published one news story about Bagpipes. During the subsequent 3 days, the Fly-Swatter has published no news stories about Bagpipes. Subscribers and daily purchasers of the Alameda Fly-Swatter are not getting their money's worth and are being bamboozled into purchasing the paper by its title of Alameda Fly-Swatter, mistakenly believing that they will be able to read news stories about Bagpipes and other menaces kept in check Alameda's all-important Tartan-limiting "Measure Angus." Shame on the Alameda Fly-Swatter for shirking its responsibility to report news stories about the ominously inflated threat that Bagpipes pose to our Treasured Island. The misleading title Alameda Fly-Swatter should be changed to what it actually is - the Oakland Cage Liner - or, if there were any truth in advertising, the Not-from-Alameda Peace-and-Quiet-Destroying Bagpipe-Hugger!

Roger Grumbel

Alameda Daily Noose Acquires SunCal Plans for Alameda Point

Thanks to a Right-Thinking employee of SunCal who leaked some documents to us, the Alameda Daily Noose and I are ready to expose the latest shocker in the nefarious plans to develop Alameda Point.

We have been worried about the overdevelopment—by which we mean "development" of anything "over" what is there today—of Alameda Point, and concerned that SunCal would be creating Tartan-Oriented Development that would be in violation of Measure Angus. It turns out that their plans are even more troublesome. As the smuggled blueprints show (click the image to enlarge), the plans are to build what can only be described as an enormous peat bog, possibly combined with a Communist Squirrel Refuge, over most of the area now known as Alameda Point.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I will keep you posted as further developments come to light. And if any readers have an inkling of what happened to the area just to the East of Webster Street, please let us know. It is very disturbing to the Alameda Daily Noose and me to see a big empty space where the Rusty Scupper and its surroundings should be! What will become of Cap'n Everett's Yard Sail? Is nothing sacred, not even our precious swaths of free parking?! Be warned, Squirrel Coddlers and Bagpipe Huggers: We are watching you! One false move, and you will be in for a tch-tch-tch-ing you'll never forget. Right-Thinking Alamedans are nothing if not scrupulous in our demonization of those who disagree with us.