Friday, July 4, 2008

Do Your Patriotic Duty—Boycott Today's Charade of a Parade

Editor's Comments:

Apparently, the City is celebrating the first anniversary of our historic 3,000th interweb "hit" with a parade much like last year's. Now that we know the event has been hijacked by Squirrels, however, the Alameda Daily Noose and I have decided to boycott it.

It's not that we're afraid of the Squirrels—although any Right-Thinking Alamedan has cause to be—but rather that we have out-smarted them. In making such a brazen public announcement of their involvement in the parade, they were no doubt hoping to goad us into attending in order to prove our courage. What they failed to realize is that the Alameda Daily Noose and I don't need to prove our courage. Indeed, everyone who reads this soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper is reminded of our courage on a daily basis, thanks to our hard-hitting investigative reporting, ground-breaking photojournalism, and fearless dissemination of press releases.

Today, then, the Alameda Daily Noose and I shall lead by example, publishing this special encore presentation of the Alameda Daily Noose instead of playing along with Sedgwick the Squirrel and his Hideous Henchmen. So, Right-Thinking Alamedans, do you patriotic duty by staying home today and reading—and re-reading—this:

Time to Celebrate a Great Day for America

Strike up the band!

That's right, it's almost time to commemorate a defining event in our nation's history, one that took place nearly a full week ago tomorrow. Yes, I'm talking about Thursday, June 28, 2007, that fateful day on which the 3,000th piece of wretched refuse of the Internets arrived on the gleaming golden shores of the Alameda Daily Noose, yearning to breathe free!

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were delighted to learn that the whole city of Alameda will be celebrating the auspicious occasion of our 3,000th hit—with no errors, mind you!—by staging a huge parade in our honor tomorrow, July 4, 2007! We are so excited about this that we just know we will be unable to catch a wink of sleep tonight. After all, it's not often that we take the time to celebrate what makes this country great: the fierce independence and bulldog-like determination of a News Man in the classic sense, walking hand in hand with his faithful noosepaper.

We're a little concerned that we haven't yet received word about the car in which we will be riding tomorrow, but we imagine this is due to the difficulty of leasing a Rolls Royce Silver Ghost on such short notice. Of course, if our car does not show up (those British cars can be notoriously unreliable), we are prepared to jump into any vacant vehicle we happen to spot in the parade lineup, and we won't shy away from performing a dramatic re-enactment of the event for the potential millions of loyal viewers of our award-eligible community access cable television program.

God bless America, and God bless the Alameda Daily Noose and me!

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