An ancient horror has returned to Alameda. Not since our fair island was a colony of England has there been such an outpouring of Puritanical persecution against people who own homes. It is the crazy, stupid, evil-genius, communist renters who are behind this modern witch hunt. They have as good as admitted that they would milk us dry and walk away smiling. They will not be forced to pay higher taxes if the Measure E school tax passes. No doubt, their noble landlords will shoulder the senseless burden alone, not asking so much as an extra penny in rent as compensation.
Those who dare speak against the Measure E parcel tax are being cruelly tormented by those lucky renters, who have been so harsh as to publicly disagree with us! That is exactly what happened to Anne Hutchinson, who can be seen in the attached illustration bravely bearing the Alameda Unified School District's sharp entreaties to her to help them educate children. Note their exaggerated gestures of shock as Anne declares that her daily Frappuccino is more important than the principle of guaranteed education, and that being forced to make her own coffee to save money would be a living death for her. I feel such a kinship with her, as I bought my home after careful calculations of how large a mortgage I could assume while still having just enough money for Frappuccinos.
But now, facing the possible renewal of a tax that I couldn't possibly have anticipated, I feel so helpless. Why, oh, why can we not have a reasoned debate in this town, without people resorting to hyperbole and demonization of their opponents? A curse on all you brainless renters, buying Frappucinos with the money you've cleverly saved by not buying a home! I fear this election may be my last....