Coho Jenkins Just Can't Wait for Alameda Daily Noose Election Guide

The Alameda Daily Noose and I have been told that a certain Mr. Jenkins has been making noises about not having enough information for the June primary (he also seems a little confused about the election date, much as Brenda Snook was). We certainly understand that all of those candidates and propositions can be confusing if you don't have a firm grasp on the Right-Thinking way to make voting choices. That's why the Alameda Daily Noose Generic election guide is indispensible for just about any election. We were going to wait until closer to election day to re-publish our famous guide, but since there is such a demand for it, here it is now:

Governor

Vote for the fresh-thinking outsider who will root out the rampant fraud, waste and abuse in government, solving our budget problems once and for all. Look for the man (or woman) of action, who won't just think outside the box, but will blow up all of the boxes, making it impossible for anyone to think inside them again, and leaving other politicians blinking in the unaccustomed light of day. If we could only just once elect such a governor, we'd be out of this mess in no time.

Lieutenant Governor

Just vote randomly on this one. Nobody even knows what the Lieutenant Governor does, so it can't make any difference who we choose.

U.S. Representative

Vote for the candidate who is not a fruitcake.

State Senate/State Assembly

Vote for the noble, brave challenger who runs against the corrupt, incompetent incumbent. If all goes well, the noble, brave challenger will win, and you can look forward to voting his or her corrupt, incompetent butt out of Sacramento in the next election!

Judicial

Vote for the candidate with the least so-called legal experience. A judge is just someone who gives opinions all day, and what makes a judge's opinion any more valuable than that of, say, a Noose man in the classic sense? Never give one of those elitist types your vote.

School

Education is supposed to be about The Children, not quote-unquote teachers or so-called administrators. That's why you should not vote for anyone older than age 17 for a school-related office.

County Supervisor

Vote for the candidate who is not an evil robot. If all of the candidates are evil robots, vote for the one who is a good evil robot.

State Propositions

Vote NO on everything except propositions that:
Promote puppies, rainbows, and kittens.
Tie the hands of those know-it-all elitist judges.
Stick it to the bums in Sacramento.

Local Measures

Vote NO on anything that:
Raises taxes.
Sounds harmless (it's a trick).
Sounds suspicious (it is).
Secretly reroutes all Alameda bus lines onto Grand St.
Claims it will not raise taxes (only a measure that secretly raises your taxes would claim not to raise your taxes).

Vote yes on everything else.