Your readers need to know about the latest government cover-up that I just found out about. I warned people last year about Squirrels infiltrating our banking system, and look what's happened with that. So you'd better listen up when I tell you that Squirrels are also behind the recent epidemic that will soon bring Alameda to its knees if we're not careful.
Yes, I'm talking about Plague. Sure, the Bubonic Plague hasn't been a big problem in Alameda since 1666, when most of the city burned to the ground, saving many deceased taxpayers a fortune on cremation costs, but that just means that we're overdue for a resurgence of bloated lymph nodes.
Well, it turns out that Plague comes from Squirrels. I came across a top-secret government document that proves it. Buried deep within this four-page pile of medical gobbledygook is the shocking revelation that the Plague first passed from ship rats to Ground Squirrels in San Francisco, and then "moved eastward." Well, you know what's east of San Francisco, and that's Alameda! I'm pretty sure that the blacked-out parts of this document are references to Alameda, because of course they wouldn't want us to know that our island is crawling with Plague!
The City of Alameda has knowingly allowed Squirrels to spread all over the island without giving citizens any warnings about this health hazard. Now that I know about it, I'm going to trap a Squirrel in my yard and have it tested for Plague. When it tests positive, I expect the City to come and clean up all of those dangerous Squirrels that have drifted into yards all over Alameda, promising certain death.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009