Thursday, May 7, 2009

John Knocks Whyte Promoting Blimp Rapid Transit


I just read a newspaper story in the McAfee Stadium Office Park Tribune that exposes the machinations of a certain John Knocks Whyte who is demanding Hydrogen powered "Rapid Blimp Transit" from the Coliseum BART Station to the Oakland Municipal Airfield:

"You can provide the same public benefit for far less money with blimp rapid transit," said John Knocks Whyte, the travel choice program director for TransFormers, a nonprofit public transit advocate. "BART has never really looked at blimp rapid transit as an alternative, yet here they are two weeks away from deciding whether to commit half a billion dollars in tax dollars to a rail extension.

Under TransFormers' vision for express blimp service, sleek, quiet vehicles 60 to 80 feet long could unload passengers quickly through four slides. The blimps would run a clean alternative fuel, possibly hydrogen, Knocks Whyte said.
I am absolutely outraged. This is nothing more than a sham of a travesty of a sham. We already have enough Zeppelins destroying our quality of life in Alameda. We don't need any more Nazi Gasbags fouling our skies. John Knocks Whyte is a mere errand boy, advancing this zany nefarious proposal at behest of our Robot Mayor and her rich developer cronies. Plus, that mooring mast will be the biggest eyesore since the construction of that Giant Parking Garage That Everybody Hates. If constructed, it will further shade our glorious Twin Towers Church. InAction Alameda will not rest until this obvious crooked scheme is stopped. Furthermore, I have uncovered a secret City Attorney opinion from 1975 regarding an interpretation of Measure Acorn that clearly forbids the conveyance of more than a duplex full of persons or goods via airships, blimps or zeppelins.

Yours in Outrage,
Howard David

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were taken aback by this missive from a source we did not immediately recognize, but once we calmed down, we realized that the author must be one of the thousands of Right-Thinking members of Inaction Alameda who toil in anonymity under our good friend Dave Williamson, the tireless Editor-in-Chief, Ace Reporter, President, Vice-President, Chairman, and Publisher of Inaction Alameda News.

The Alameda Daily Noose and I still don't know who this John Knocks Whyte fellow is, but we don't like the sound of his name. Much like our hard-hitting stories on cygnine cleanup, ancient Alamedan cuisine, and hapless visitors to English isles, it reminds us of someone…someone evil.

Furthermore, this "TransFormers" organization certainly sounds like trouble. The Alameda Daily Noose and I aren't sure, but we think that they might well be More Than Meets the Eyes. In fact, we've long suspected that they are Robots in Disguise.


Anonymous said...

Howard David has it all wrong, as usual.

John Knocks Whyte and all the other pointy-headed, bicycle-riding liberals will not use hydrogen in those zeppelins, but fill them with hot air collected from City Council meetings and from street-corner protests mounted by Save Our Squirrels Alameda.

Hot air will be plentiful (some say inexhaustible), sometimes not toxic (depending on the generator involved), and much cheaper than hydrogen.

Anonymous said...

Oh man, don't get me started on the Knocks Whyte character. Where does he get off calling the kettle black. Last time I checked, my kettle was chrome. Knocks-Whyte can't call my kettle black I tell you! Its a travesty! And then the blimps thing. Did he think we invented cars simply to destroy the planet for Knocks-Whyte Junior? Well I contend that, just because I'm mad, that yes, we did. Just to give Knocks some of what he gives me I get into my car in the morning and laugh hysterically at the damage I'm doing to his biased and hateful world.

Man am I pissed!

Yours in tyrannical anger,
-- Coho Jerkins

Anonymous said...

Thank you Coho Jenkins for standing up to these pointy headed bullies who want to force us to commute by rickshaws and blimps. You should drive that blue 80s Pontiac of yours over to John Knocks Whyte's house and pull Donuts on his lawn. That will teach him. Haven't we heard enough about Blimp Rapid Transit already? This whole crooked scheme is being promoted by the McAfee Stadium Parking Lot Office Park Tribune, which is owned by the same company as the Alameda Birdcage liner. Meanwhile, the Alameda Puppy Trainer continues to ignore a story that if published, would blow the doors off City Hall. (Assuming they were storing hydrogen filled Zeppelins in city hall and you were to throw a bundle of burning Alameda Puppy Trainers inside)...Well, Thursday is just a few days away.

Anonymous said...

Now you've really got me steamed. Mostly because it's a 90's blue Pontiac that I drive. How dare you accuse me of driving a car from that era! Leave it to wrong-thinking Alamedans to get these basic facts wrong.

-- Coho Jerkins