I just read a newspaper story in the McAfee Stadium Office Park Tribune that exposes the machinations of a certain John Knocks Whyte who is demanding Hydrogen powered "Rapid Blimp Transit" from the Coliseum BART Station to the Oakland Municipal Airfield:
"You can provide the same public benefit for far less money with blimp rapid transit," said John Knocks Whyte, the travel choice program director for TransFormers, a nonprofit public transit advocate. "BART has never really looked at blimp rapid transit as an alternative, yet here they are two weeks away from deciding whether to commit half a billion dollars in tax dollars to a rail extension.I am absolutely outraged. This is nothing more than a sham of a travesty of a sham. We already have enough Zeppelins destroying our quality of life in Alameda. We don't need any more Nazi Gasbags fouling our skies. John Knocks Whyte is a mere errand boy, advancing this zany nefarious proposal at behest of our Robot Mayor and her rich developer cronies. Plus, that mooring mast will be the biggest eyesore since the construction of that Giant Parking Garage That Everybody Hates. If constructed, it will further shade our glorious Twin Towers Church. InAction Alameda will not rest until this obvious crooked scheme is stopped. Furthermore, I have uncovered a secret City Attorney opinion from 1975 regarding an interpretation of Measure Acorn that clearly forbids the conveyance of more than a duplex full of persons or goods via airships, blimps or zeppelins.
Under TransFormers' vision for express blimp service, sleek, quiet vehicles 60 to 80 feet long could unload passengers quickly through four slides. The blimps would run a clean alternative fuel, possibly hydrogen, Knocks Whyte said.
Yours in Outrage,
The Alameda Daily Noose and I were taken aback by this missive from a source we did not immediately recognize, but once we calmed down, we realized that the author must be one of the thousands of Right-Thinking members of Inaction Alameda who toil in anonymity under our good friend Dave Williamson, the tireless Editor-in-Chief, Ace Reporter, President, Vice-President, Chairman, and Publisher of Inaction Alameda News.
The Alameda Daily Noose and I still don't know who this John Knocks Whyte fellow is, but we don't like the sound of his name. Much like our hard-hitting stories on cygnine cleanup, ancient Alamedan cuisine, and hapless visitors to English isles, it reminds us of someone…someone evil.
Furthermore, this "TransFormers" organization certainly sounds like trouble. The Alameda Daily Noose and I aren't sure, but we think that they might well be More Than Meets the Eyes. In fact, we've long suspected that they are Robots in Disguise.