Scoop! of Smut: Alameda Free Library Caught Dealing in Pornography

We've long been opposed to the Alameda Free Library because libraries are a waste of taxpayer money to provide books that anybody can just buy from Amazon.com. But today, the Alameda Daily Noose and I stumbled upon the secret of the century: The Alameda Free Library is distributing Pornography.

As this Alameda Daily Noose exclusive photograph clearly shows, the library has a bin specifically earmarked "Adult Books." We all know what that means. Yes, it's a euphemism for Pornography—or at least that's what this friend of ours tells us, because we certainly wouldn't know these kinds of things from personal experience.

These so-called Adult Book Stores, which we Right-Thinking Alamedans have managed to keep away from our bridges, are actually bastions of perverse videotapes, accessories, and who knows what else, or so we are told. To think that this has surreptitiously invaded our city, and that this material is being given away for free, is monstrous.

This is beyond the pale. We should not bother complaining to our city council, because they actually sanctioned the building of this so-called Library. Instead, all right-thinking Alamedans should immediately report this to the Police (conveniently located just across the street from the offending institution) for an immediate raid. Our children and grandchildren are counting on us!