Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Answers to Questions That Keep Alamedans Awake at Night


I am generally not a fan of the mayor, but I feel I must write in and give credit where credit is due. In this case, I wish to commend her for proposing that the bridges connecting Alameda to other areas be lifted at night. This is something that for years, many Alamedans have been fighting for.

She claims in public statements that it is to save money. If that's what it takes to achieve approval with the not-so-right-thinking public, then so be it. But we all know the real reason to open the bridges at night is to keep the undesirables outside of Alameda from entering our fair city to rob us of our possessions, kidnap the children, and perform acts of arson.

Over the years, the Alameda Group of Concerned Citizens Demanding that the Bridges be Raised at Night (AGCCDBRN), which I can speak for, has compiled a list of answers to common objections to the notion of nighttime bridge-raising. I hope you will indulge me and print this list for readers of your noosepaper.

Q: What if there are emergencies, what will happen in the bridges are up?
A: If there are any fire emergencies, not to worry - Alameda is surrounded by water. Plenty of water, enough for even the biggest fire. And there will not be any police emergencies since all the criminals will be locked out of Alameda.

Q: What if a criminal tries to cross the estuary by boat?
A: In the short-term, there is some risk, yes. In the long term, we are hoping to establish a perimeter guard for such contingencies.

Q: Will the Posey/Webster Tubes be closed at night as well?
A: Yes and no. It will be closed to automobile traffic to discourage outsiders from merely driving the long way to invade our city. However, we have not been successful in convincing Caltrans to close the two-foot-wide pedestrian/bicycle path in the Posey Tube.

Q: Alameda Hospital recently closed its maternity ward. How will babies be born at night?
A: Expectant mothers are asked not to go into labor at night. Those who insist on nocturnal births can always walk or ride their bicycle through the Posey Tube path mentioned above.

Q: What if an Alamedan has a legitimate need to leave the island at night?
A: There is no legitimate reason for leaving Alameda, day *or* night.

Q: What if an Alameda resident leaves the island during the daytime, and is trying to return home at night?
A: He or she should have thought of that before leaving the island in the first place!

We hope that all ADN readers will call the Mayor's office and thank her for finally coming around to our campaign. We are looking forward to a peaceful night's sleep in the near future!

With warm regards,

Grace Anansi

1 comment:

Anonymous said...


-- Coho Jerkins