Alameda Daily Noose Goes Prime Time

The Alameda Daily Noose and I are proud to announce yet another important milestone in our relentless march to journalistic integrity and beyond. Last night, at 10:56 PM Pacific Daylight Time, we welcomed the 31,033rd visitor* to our soon-to-be-award-winning daily noosepaper, shattering all previous records for the total number of visitors.

Some of our more ignorant readers might find themselves wondering what's so special about the number 31,033…why not celebrate something more logical, like 31,030 or 31,040? Well, let the Alameda Daily Noose and me try to put it in terms you can understand. Just as Alamedans are divided into two groups called "Right-Thinking Alamedans" and "Enemies Within," it turns out that numbers are divided into two groups, which mathematicians call "prime" and "chuck." We're not exactly sure what the difference is, but it has something to do with how easy they are to cut.

According to our extensive research, not only is 31,033 a prime number, it is the 3,343th prime number, and 3,343 itself is also a prime number, which means that the Alameda Daily Noose and I are now officially double prime. Yes, we can now say with absolute mathematical certainty that we are twice as great as all of the other major news media put together. We always suspected as much, but it's nice to have it confirmed by hard science.

Frieda Bellows Is Really, Really, Really Fed Up

Editor,

All right, that does it. It seems like only yesterday when I wrote to tell you that I'm getting more and more fed up lately, and now that's not the half of it. Actually, it's more like a fourth of it, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I mean, I was fed up with Squirrels, Evil Robots, and Safeway to begin with, and what with all of the recent shenanigans—and I will use that word, shenanigans—involving sock puppets run amok, diabolical signature gatherers, vicious youth gangs, the end of the world, chicken, and sharks, it would be perfectly reasonable for you to expect that I'd be really fed up by now.

Well, guess what, Mr. Smarty Pants…you'd be wrong!

I have skipped right over being really fed up, blown way past being really, really fed up, and gone straight to being really, really, really fed up!

Frieda Bellows

Outraged Alamedan Donald Kirkland Says What Really Scares Him Is the "Hammer-Heads" Sitting on Alameda's City Council

Roger,

I was talking to ancient mariner and living Alameda legend Cap'n Everett the other day, and he told me a fish story you wouldn't believe. Apparently, City Hall has been taken over by hammer-heads, by which I can only assume he means the dreaded hammer-head species of land shark. I am absolutely flabbergasted!

What really scares me is the hammer-heads sitting on the City Council.

These ferocious fish can weigh up to 1,000 pounds, which means they could pin the Council down for hours at a time, rendering them completely incapable of making a decision. This is an OUTRAGE. We Right-Thinking Alamedans can only hope that the spineless Council Majority will not buckle under the pressure of Big Shark, which has been plotting for years to flood Alameda and turn it into a giant marine sanctuary!

Donald Kirkland

Verloren, Stewing, Has Beef with Moose over Chicken

Dear Roger,

I have a beef with that blowhard business booster Michael Moose. I have been stewing ever since I read his self-serving letter about the new establishment that will soon be opening up at the corner of Encinal Ave. and Park Ave. Like all Right-Thinking Alamedans, I'm concerned about the surplus of restaurants in this town, so I was delighted to see that old chicken place finally fall to the wrecking ball. Now Mr. Moose tells us that a fancy-schmancy new restaurant will take its place, and I don't like it.

Day after day I've been driving by very slowly, watching those burly young construction workers sweating under the hot sun to make Mr. Moose's dream a reality, but so far it looks more like a nightmare to me. Take the name, for starters: "Kentucky Fried Chic." Obviously, this is going to be another hangout for those mindless yuppies who are trying to turn Alameda into San Francisco, what with their Eye-Phones and their Tweetering and their Thai noodle monarchies.

As bad as that is, take a look at the sign on the door the next time you drive past. It says right on it that it "WILL NOT OPEN." Chic new restaurants with doors that don't even open? At least the greasy old chicken joint had a door that actually worked. I ask you, what is this town coming to?

Yours in disgust,
Marlene Verloren

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Greening Our Whole Planet

This is my favorite time of year, when the daisies are blooming and warm breezes are blowing with just a hint of summer. It's only right that this is when we celebrate a holiday that reminds us all of why green living is so important. Yes, I'm talking about Earth Day, the day when we all renew our promise to save the planet. And when I say save the planet, of course I mean Planet Alameda.

That's right, folks; our island nation is more than just a pretty city. It's also its own planet! Many people don't seem to realize this, which makes them think saving the planet is hard, but it's really pretty easy. All you have to do is take care of your little piece of earth. You might do that by planting it with Kentucky bluegrass, or by paving it over so that it won't erode and wash into the bay, never to return.

There are many other things you can do to protect your environment, too. Over the months, I've given my readers plenty of tips on how to encourage the use of clean coal, how to increase the amount of recycling you do, and all kinds of other things that make Alameda a better planet. One thing that all of these green living tips have in common is that there's no reason to worry about what effect they might have outside Alameda, because we are our own planet. Likewise, it doesn't matter whether anyone outside Alameda follows any of my green living tips since they can't possibly affect us here. They are free to do all of those things we won't do here, because it won't increase our traffic, or worsen our air quality.

So, fellow Alamedans, this is Janet Marchant wishing you a happy, guilt-free Earth Day, from my backyard to yours.

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 7 days, with the most recent shown in green and chartreuse:


Corica Have Mercy:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council April 21, 2009

Editor's Comments:

No Right-Thinking Alamedan should have to be subjected to this kind of blatant toadying to cold-blooded Developers. As we explained yesterday in our hard-hitting exposé, the City Council has finally, publicly, as good as admitted that they are in the pocket of Big Arborist, and in league with the Squirrels. If you must watch the appalling video of this travesty of a "meeting" dealing with plans for the secret Evil Robot Base to be built at Alameda Point, be sure to take your heart medication beforehand.


This Is an Outrage:
WETA Public Hearing April 16, 2009

Editor's Comments:

As the Alameda Daily Noose and I have pointed out on too many occasions to enumerate, the idea of people using boats for transportation is some kind of loony Buck Rogers scheme dreamed up by unscrupulous planners trying to distract us from Alameda's real transportation problems. So, to devote a whole meeting to the subject is the worst waste of the City's nonexistent funding that we have seen in months.


So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:


Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:


Nothing Worth Complaining About:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council April 21, 2009

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I were of two minds on this meeting. On one hand, there's the Evil Robot Base, but on the other hand, there are enough grumpy speakers, with enough choice words for the Council, to keep a Right-Thinking Alamedan chuckling in agreement for a hefty portion of the interwebcast. That is why we decided that this meeting belongs in both the one Golden Acorn and five Golden Acorns categories.

Alamedageddon: This Time, We're Not Just Imagining It!

Sound the alarms! It's official: Squirrels are attempting to undermine Alameda's sacred, tree-limiting Measure Acorn. The Alameda Noose and I have yet to find evidence that Squirrels are the masterminds of this operation, but that is because Squirrels are so notoriously devious and secretive. They often conceal evidence of their activities in hollow trees or buried under garden plants, or in impenetrable 288-page documents that no-one in their Right-Thinking minds would bother to read. As you can see, the Squirrel in the photo above is menacing a collection of potted plants, do doubt attempting to conceal the evidence that potted plants are a sensible alternative to those darned trees that our government keeps trying to force on us.

Yes, there is no doubt in our minds that our so-called City Council was in cahoots with the Squirrels last night when they revealed that plans for the Evil Robot Base at Alameda Point include exempting it from the perfectly sensible restrictions of Measure Acorn! We all know that trees benefit no-one, except for Squirrels. Therefore, last night's announcement is tantamount to a declaration of which side the Council is taking in the Global War on Squirrels!

At this very moment, developer fat cats are at work gathering signatures in an underhanded attempt to put their plans to a vote of the people of Alameda. They know full well that we are all far too easily distracted by glossy mailers to be able to keep straight in our heads that we must support Measure Acorn at all costs! That has been the battle cry of Right-Thinking Alamedans since our treasured Measure was first passed in 1971, and then passed again in 1973.

It won't be easy, but we will have to try to remember that fundamental principle, even in the face of glossy, expensive mailers still redolent with the alluring smell of fresh ink. Be strong, Alamedans, and if the worst comes to pass, refuse to vote! We know that nothing good can come of direct democracy.

Lon Geddoff Wants to Trade Newfangled Ballyhoo for Classic Grump

Editor,

Why don't you reprint your past stories more often? I'd rather read about the grump and heartaches of yesteryear than all of this recent ballyhoo about Evil Robots, exploding Squirrels, and deadly peanut butter.

Lon Geddoff

Editor's Comments:

Reprinting past Noose items is a great idea, and one that the Alameda Daily Noose and I have had many times. Although we tend to save such rare treats for special occasions, we are pleased that our readers crave more repeats. We will look through our secret archives to see if some of the older, dustier Noose stories might be suitable for reprinting.

Dave Williamson Traumatized by Assault

Rog,

Rumors are flooding into our news desk that small gangs of aggressive youths all over town are accosting Right-Thinking Alamedans as they attempt to go about their daily business. Your correspondent has suffered physical intimidation himself—by the menacing young woman in the attached photo—on Sunday, April 19th in front of That Yuppie Coffee Shop.

We were just walking by when she began to personally mock us, calling us names which aren't re-printable in this soon-to-award-winning daily noosepaper, including what must have been some kind of gang slang: "Dulce de Leche," "Samosa," and "Do-Si-Do." She stood up out of her chair and walked toward us to physically intimidate us as we stood frozen with fear, glancing nervously at an array of suspicious-looking boxes she had spread out on her table.

She was so physically imposing that we felt it would be pointless to run, so we held our ground and reluctantly accepted the "free sample" that she forced upon us. In the process of handing it over, she bumped our hand with the serving plate. We were about to hurry off and throw the sample away when we realized that it smelled like peanut butter. Was she trying to kill us? Everyone knows that our nation's entire peanut butter supply is simply crawling with Salmonella!

As we were taking a box of the offending merchandise away to be analyzed for tainted peanuts, the same young woman shouted after us about "paying" for it, and when we tried to escape, she ran after us and rudely snatched the box from our hands, scratching our left thumb slightly in the process. We told her that we intended to charge her with assault and peanut-butter battery, and secretly took the above photo to prove that she was employing menacing techniques in her efforts to push tainted foodstuffs on other innocent people.

Your correspondent is still traumatized and psychologically scarred after being man-handled by this little girl. She may think nothing can stop her peanut-buttery reign of terror, but we have five brave words for her: We'll see you in court.

Dave Williamson

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Bringing Your Easter Leftovers Back to Life

Some Spring holidays have always put greenness front and center, as illustrated by the photo below, and last week I gave you what I hope were helpful pointers on how to make your Easter green, too!


Now that all of the organic chocolate bunnies have been eaten, and your children have broken or swallowed all of the wee plastic toys that were cunningly concealed inside their plastic Easter eggs, there's nothing left to do but clean up. What is one to do with those empty plastic eggshells and plastic Easter grass? Obviously, using them again next year is out of the question. Your children need fresh, clean, Easter eggs with their antimicrobial coating still intact. Besides, how would you store all those eggs and grass in a place where you could be sure of finding them a year from now?


Fortunately, there's a simple solution to these problems. It turns out that grass decomposes quickly, releasing helpful nitrogen into the soil, so you can just take that Easter grass and sprinkle it on your lawn or compost heap. If you are new to this composting idea, remember that worms are essential for creating good soil. That's why you should save a few Easter gummi worms to add to your backyard Easter grass pile. Be sure to match the color of the worms to the color of your Easter grass to provide the natural camouflage that is essential to successful gummivermiculture. Otherwise, the gummi worms might be devoured by the petrified marshmallow Peeps on the pile before they can do their wormy composting business.


I'm not sure if there is anything that is naturally inclined to eat marshmallow Peeps, but at least they'll be out of your house if you put them on the compost pile. Apparently, they can become violent if confined indoors for too long, and no chocolate candy will be safe if that happens.


If I ever find out more about useful backyard Peep predators, I'll be sure to fill you in on that in a future column. Meanwhile, enjoy your Spring greening!

Roger Rates Recent Interwebcasts

Roger's ratings of meetings initially interwebcast in the past 21 days, with the most recent shown in green:


Corica Have Mercy:


This Is an Outrage:
Regular Meeting of the Alameda City Council, April 7, 2009
Yet again, our Mayor has made a proclamation in support of Squirrels taking over the Earth. This betrayal is hidden in vague language about "activities to involve the broadest possible cross section of society," by which she can only mean Squirrels and those who shill for them. They are poised to "raise awareness, mobilize action, and facilitate implementation of programs" that are no doubt intended to force upon us an unbearable burden of excessive tree growth in Alameda and beyond. Last year, there was an entire day devoted to celebration of Sciurine efforts to take over the Earth, but that wasn't enough. Now, the mayor has declared an entire week. At this rate of Earth Day inflation, we'll be enduring Earth Month next year, and Earth Decade not long after.


So Many Things to Get Annoyed About:
Regular ARRA Meeting, April 1, 2009
The Alameda Daily Noose and I haven't actually watched this meeting, but we have it on good authority that the whole thing was a joke.


Run-of-the-Mill Shenanigans:
Regular Meeting of the Planning Board, April 13, 2009


Nothing Worth Complaining About:

Squirrel Action Well Taken!

Dear Sir,

For many years, the residents of Alameda have had to look within for inspiration, as the world outside the island so rarely offers heroes and role models. There is Heidi Wilson, sure, but after her, who? The Parks & Recreation Department of Spokane, that's who! Our northerly brothers in the fight against the Furry-Tailed Menace have finally hit on the solution: Squirrel detonation!

I'm not sure why no one in Alameda noticed that Squirrels were explosive, but now that we do, the tables surely will turn! I call on our Evil Robot Mayor to convert the military whoositz everyone's clattering on about into a Squirrel detonation supply manufacturing center. The mining of propane, the harvesting of oxygen, all can be done on-island. Perhaps we could lure the makers of the Rodenator to set up shop here, where we need them most!

Let us be sure not to tell the Squirrels about our plans, though. If they ever realized they could explode, well, there's no telling where and when they'd do it, just for spite! Let us just be thankful we are not plagued by the "saber-toothed gopher." Heaven knows what that is!

Yours in Alameda,
Bennifrond Appherton

Editor's Note:

Although the Alameda Daily Noose and I appreciate Mr. Appleton's correspondence and are very excited about the potential application of the Rodenator Pro system in Alameda, we beg to differ with the completely unfounded claim that "no one in Alameda noticed that Squirrels were explosive." The Alameda Daily Noose and I have sounded this warning not once, but twice! All we can say is that we're thrilled that somebody has finally figured out a way to turn this unusual property of Squirrels against them.

Can We Interest the Alameda Community Theater in This Play?

Dear Mr. Grumbel,

Any review entitled "Panties, Squirrels and Lots of Ammo" has to provide some grist for your mill. Perhaps if this play were to move west, it could be re-titled "Why Development is wrong, and the people who love them."

THEATER REVIEW | 'WHY TORTURE IS WRONG, AND THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE THEM'
Panties, Squirrels and Lots of Ammo
…
Imagine the relief when the action switches to the cozy New Jersey living room of Felicity’s mother, Luella (Kristine Nielsen), first seen raptly contemplating a flower arrangement. Of course that relief evaporates when Felicity’s dad, Leonard (Richard Poe, deliciously channeling George C. Scott in highest dudgeon), strides in to explain that that burning smell is not French toast, but some Squirrels he incinerated with a napalm blaster.

Editor's Comments:

Although the letter above was not signed, The Alameda Daily Noose and I were able to do a little gee-mail sleuthing, which convinced us that it came from none other than the famous President and CEO of Alameda's foremost business magazine, Steve Forbes. We usually don't waste any print on what's happening in overcrowded, Zeppelin-ridden cities like New York, but it's clear that the play described above is sounding a dramatic call to audiences to join in the Global War on Squirrels. Mr. Forbes makes his case well, and we are inclined to agree that if this play were to be performed in Alameda, it would be an unprecedented example of our city benefitting from something that came from Manhattan. Given the somewhat lackluster programming choices at our local dramatic venues lately, this Squirrel-incineration-themed play could only be an improvement.

C.O.S.-P.U.I.I.!S.O.S.!F.A.B.A. Presents a Fair and Balanced Look at Competing Plans for Alameda Point

Rog,

There's been a lot of talk about our Evil Robot Mayor's diabolical plan for Alameda Point, but how many of your readers are aware that the Coalition Of Sock-Puppets United In Inaction! Saving Our Sandwiches! For A Better Alameda (C.O.S.-P.U.I.I.!S.O.S.!F.A.B.A.) has put together a competing plan of its own?

We here at C.O.S.-P.U.I.I.!S.O.S.!F.A.B.A. realize that even Right-Thinking Alamedans may have questions about our alternative plan. That's why we stuffed a new video into the U-Tubes, one that finally goes beyond all the smooth talk and glossy brochures in order to offer a fair and balanced look at these two competing plans:



Dave Williamson

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Can You Trust the Easter Bunny with Your Children's Health?

Once again, it's nearly the first Sunday after the first full moon after the vernal equinox, and you know what that means: Yes, soon the Easter Bunny will be hip-hip-hopping his way into households all over Alameda. But have you environmentally conscious parents ever stopped to think that death might be lurking in that cute little basket of his?

Many people don't realize that eggs aren't naturally available in colors like hot pink, aquamarine, and chartreuse. These colors are produced by chemicals added by the Easter Bunny, and we all know how dangerous chemicals are to our children's health. Even one drop of chemicals can be deadly, so imagine how harmful a whole basket full of chemically altered eggs could be to an innocent child!

Fortunately, there is a "green" alternative to those chemically modified eggs the Easter Bunny is pushing. I'm talking about a miracle material that, unlike eggs, can be found in every color of the rainbow, and then some! It's called "plastic," and you know it's 100% safe, because practically everything we give our children these days is made of it. It can be produced without placing any burden on overworked hens. It is even available in egg-like shapes, making it the perfect substitute for those dangerous chemical-coated Easter eggs.

But wait, it gets better! Unlike regular eggs, which are filled with white and yellow stuff that many kids don't even like to eat, these plastic Easter egg substitutes are hollow, which means you can fill them with things kids really enjoy, like candy or colorful little toys made out of…you guessed it…plastic! Thanks to this miracle material, you can have the best Easter ever, keeping your children safe, happy, and hepped up on sugar. This year, let's send that fuzzy shill for the chemical industry known as the Easter Bunny packing!

Brenda Snook Asks, "Didn’t We Learn Anything from 'The Love Boat'?"

Editor:

The town has been simply abuzz with talk of petitions and big plans for that long-abandoned military base you reported on. I heard that a group of Right-Thinking Alamedans has come up with an alternative to our Evil Robot Mayor's plan for a Secret Robot Base, and I finally got a hold of a copy. It's about twenty of those fancy Powder-Point slides with nice pretty color pictures, all stapled to some musty old book from the nineties that was well over 100 pages long. I even tried to read the book, but let me tell you, it wasn't nearly as interesting as the pictures.

Now this is where I get a little confused. The old book that was stapled to the Right-Thinking alternative plan talks about building a "Cruise Boat Home Port." No matter how hard they try to make it safe, there is always going to be some risk that a cruise boat is going to take a wrong turn and wind up sailing right up that boat ramp and onto Grand St., wrecking even more havoc than that John Knox White fellow could in his wildest dreams.

Didn't we learn anything from "The Love Boat" back in the seventies? That so-called Captain Stubing was always so busy schmoozing the pretty ladies on the boat that half the time he wasn't paying any attention to where he was going. I swear, it's a wonder that none of those Caribbean cruises ended in tragedy, with the Pacific Princess crashing head-long into an iceberg, just like the big boat in that movie with Kate Winslet. Only problem is, Alameda isn't the movies. If we build a Cruise Boat Home Port in Alameda, Leonardo DiCaprio won't be around to save us from a nightmare of runaway boats stuffed to the gunnels with washed-up sixties celebrities and terrible jokes!

And speaking of boats, the Cruise Boat Home Port isn't the only odd thing in the Right-Thinking alternative plan. There was also something about "High speed Ferries," which confused me because you've reported many times that nobody would ever take a boat to work. Stranger still, it says these Ferries might be paid for with "tax increment financing." Now, I have no idea what that is, but I've been told that it's terrible…terrible! Nothing but a multi-million-dollar "bail-out" for Big Boat! In fact, I could have sworn that one of those Powder-Point slides stapled to the book said so, but maybe I was distracted by a pretty picture.

I know I'm probably the one that's confused here. I must have missed something, because a bunch of things in the Right-Thinking alternative plan sound more like something I'd expect from our Evil Robot Mayor and her Evil Developer friends: a Cruise Boat Home Port, High speed Ferries, tax increment financing, industrial clusters, trucking services, hotels, conference centers, a theme park, and "Diverse, Affordable Housing," including…if you can believe this…apartments and lofts. I thought this exactly was the kind of thing we Right-Thinking Alamedans are trying to stop. I hope that young, up-and-coming genius of the East Bay, Mr. Dave Williamson, will be able to explain to me exactly where I went wrong. I feel like such a silly goose!

Brenda Snook

Jean Kerkwilligers Wants to Withdraw Her Signature from Stan's Petition

Dear Rog,

As I was coming out of the Dusty Shelves Market a few days ago, there was a young man asking people to sign something. Of course, I didn't have time to read what I was signing at the time, but yesterday my bridge partner told me there's a petition going around that none of us Right-Thinking Alamedans should be signing. When I heard that, I took out the copy that young man gave me, and darned if it wasn't something completely different than what I'd imagined!

Today I went back to confront this signature-gathering fellow, but he seems to have vanished without a trace! Oh, but he was such a smooth-talking and persuasive gentleman. I can't for the life of me remember his name, but I think it was "Stan." Anyway, he sure knew how to sweet-talk a Right-Thinking Alamedan gal. He promised that if I'd just sign his little petition, he would put Chuck Corica back in the mayor's office where he belongs, get that loveable cartoon kid into Congress, and personally guarantee that no-one would ever, ever park in front of my house again.

I was just about to sign on the dotted line when I caught a whiff of something that reminded me of the time the market's egg cooler went on the fritz back in '98. I was distracted by something swishing behind his back, and then I glanced down and noticed something funny about his feet. I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Something about this doesn't seem right. It's almost too good to be true. What's the catch?"

He just smiled and said something about my sole. You see, I had just been to the fish counter, and he could probably smell those freshly thawed filets through the wrapper. While I was trying to explain to him that I wasn't asking about the catch of the day, I suddenly found myself swapping Cajun seafood recipes with him. He seemed to know a lot about the proper temperature for really blackening a sole to perfection.

Somehow, I guess I must have signed the petition while we were chatting. He was just so charming, and his knowledge of cooking was so extensive, that I couldn't concentrate. Now that I look at it again, though, I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have made the bargain I did. How does one withdraw a signature they were duped into giving?

Jean Kerkwilligers

Huge Demonstration Shuts Down Alameda's Sock Drawers

Yesterday, a demonstration against our Evil Robot Mayor's diabolical plans to enslave the human race was held. There were over 100 sock-puppets mouthing in unison, "Don't Enslave the Human Race, Just Say No to the Robot Base." There were almost half as many puppeteers as sock-puppets.

Following is a flyer from the newly formed Coalition of Sock-Puppets United In Inaction! Saving Our Sandwiches! for a Better Alameda (C.O.S.-P.U.I.I.!S.O.S.!F.A.B.A.), which was passed out at the protest:

• We, the members of C.O.S.-P.U.I.I.!S.O.S.!F.A.B.A., a huge community organization that has been serving Alameda for days and is completely distinct from unrelated groups like Inaction Alameda (I.A.), Save Our Sandwiches! Alameda (S.O.S.!.A), and Save Our Sock-Puppets! Alameda (S.O.S.-P.!A.), hereby DEMAND that our Evil Robot Mayor withdraw her Support of her Human-Race-Enslaving Robot Base Development Proposal.
• Alameda's Evil Robot Mayor campaigned on her trustworthiness and humanity. Her campaign signs, which are featured here today, clearly state, "Trust Me, I'm Not an Evil Robot." Now she has been exposed as a Robot, and she is backing a plan for a secret base at Alameda Point, complete with force fields. We DEMAND that this flip-flop represents a significant 'watering down' of her campaign pledge.
• ALAMEDA CITIZENS DEMAND MAYOR'S WITHDRAWAL OF SUPPORT FOR CURRENT PROPOSED SECRET ROBOT BASE AT ALAMEDA POINT!

Contact: Coalition of Sock-Puppets United In Inaction! Saving Our Sandwiches! for a Better Alameda (C.O.S.-P.U.I.I.!S.O.S.!F.A.B.A.): Klondike 5-3226.

Frieda Bellows Is Fed Up with Squirrels, Robots, and Safeway

Editor,

I'm getting more and more fed up lately. The final straw was that story you ran about feeding Squirrels to themselves, not that it's a bad idea, mind you, but the mere thought of Squirrels eating anything makes my blood boil!

It's obvious that Squirrels and City officials are all feeding at the trough of Big Acorn. Besides, when it comes to our mayor, in particular, I always knew she was an Evil Robot, which is why I didn't vote for her, along with her unreasonable attitudes on Golf. Her campaign slogan, "Trust me, I'm not an Evil Robot," wasn't fooling anybody, and everybody who was fooled by it is outraged to discover now that she is an Evil Robot. The proof is right there in black and yellow in your completely accurate and wonderfully imaginative documentary on her phone call.

How can my friends who foolishly voted for the mayor take back the votes that they were duped into casting? I tried asking the staff at the Super-Mega-Monster Safeway That Everyone Hates, but they claimed with haughty apparatchik condescension that they didn't have any control over who I voted for. Horse puckey! If those slugabeds at Safeway don't do something soon, our town is going to be completely overrun with Squirrels and Evil Robots.

Frieda Bellows

Green Living by Janet Marchant: Saving Water When You Shower

Wow! I'm hot on the trail of a new eco-friendly tip today. Someone just told me that you can save water by putting a bucket in the shower before you start running the water. I'm not sure how this works, but it must be something like those plastic laundry balls. When the bucket is in the shower, you probably don't need to use as much soap to get clean, and so don't need to rinse as long. I'll let you know as soon as I find out more. Meanwhile, don't forget to take that bucket into the shower with you, because it doesn't hurt to be on the safe side!

Finally, a Snack We Can All Enjoy

Mr. Grumbel,

There are many reasons to feel warmly toward our English neighbors to the East. They keep the Tartans in line. They have those adorable accents I can't understand when watching AMERICAN IDOL. They always seem to be getting into scrapes involving detachable undergarments and lines of people chasing them to wacky saxophone music. Now here's another: Squirrel-flavored potato chips.

As this article explains, a British company has released upon the world Squirrel-flavored "crisps" (whatever! ;) ), finally priming people's taste buds for the real thing. All the extra "u"s in the world can't hide the heroism! Once people have a taste for Squirrels in a conveniently snackable form, they'll run to their yards and pull them from the trees, having a nibble on the way back to the front door. Heidi Wilson herself would be proud! (Maybe she can get an endorsement deal...)

The only down side is that there were apparently no Squirrels harmed in the development of the chips, but I'm sure they can put that right during the manufacturing process. One small step for crispiness, one giant leap for mankind!

—
Jehoshaphat Malone
Founder, Jumpin' Jehoshaphat's Café

Editor's Comments:

The Alameda Daily Noose and I don't quite understand Mr. Malone's obsession with semicolons, parentheses, and the 21st letter of the alphabet, but when it comes to the Sciurine Menace, his opinions are spot-on. We can only hope Mr. Malone will be inspired to put some Squirrel-flavored items on the menu at his popular café soon, only without that tongue-burning "spice" for which British cuisine is renowned. We're sorry, but that's just not Alameda.